Hpchic Posted December 28, 2022 Posted December 28, 2022 So have been having a casual/booty call thing with a guy for the past few months. We went two dates in the beginning and then it just turned into a booty call which I’m totally cool with because I’m not looking for anything serious with this guy. We were at his place last night and several times through out the evening he said it doesn’t just have to be about sex, and that he likes hanging out with me and we can do things together other than sex. To be honest I don’t think he means this and I actually would rather keep it to just sec so that neither of us catches feelings. I didn’t tell him this because like I said I don’t think he actually means what he’s saying. The sex is amazing and I think he might just be saying this to keep the sex going because he thinks that what I want to hear. I just find it odd that he said more than once, he said it once at his place and then again when he drove me home. Then again I haven’t been in many booth call situations but I don’t think this is what guys typically say, or is it?
stillafool Posted December 28, 2022 Posted December 28, 2022 If you think he only said it to keep the sex coming then definitely tell him that's just fine with you that you aren't looking for anything serious. He wil appreciate your openess and honesty. It's best to make things clear from the beginning. 1
ShyViolet Posted December 28, 2022 Posted December 28, 2022 It's really important that you be honest and up front with him. Don't assume that he doesn't mean what he is saying, or assume that he already knows how you feel. That is how problems start. Just be open with him that you're not looking for a relationship and you are only interested in keeping it to sex. If you two are not on the same page then you shouldn't continue this. 2
NuevoYorko Posted December 28, 2022 Posted December 28, 2022 Just deal with him in a straightforward way. If you're not interested in hanging out with him, tell him no thanks, you like things the way they are. If you want him to reassure you that he really does want to hang out with you, ask him, or go ahead and agree to hang out, since you apparently are preoccupied with this suggestion. Refusing to believe him, second guessing what he says, etc. are all recipes for big messes between people. If you're seriously worried about "catching feelings" you're more at risk for this by carrying on with the amazing sex than by "hanging out." What is with this preoccupation with looking for secret, hidden meanings within simple and basic interactions?
basil67 Posted December 28, 2022 Posted December 28, 2022 2 hours ago, Hpchic said: several times through out the evening he said it doesn’t just have to be about sex, and that he likes hanging out with me and we can do things together other than sex. To be honest I don’t think he means this .... I think this says loud and clear that he enjoys your company and wants to spend more time with you. However, whether that be in a romantic sense or friends, I could only speculate. To be frank, I don't understand why you think he doesn't mean what he says. Does he have a history of lying to you?
ccas93 Posted December 28, 2022 Posted December 28, 2022 (edited) he probably isn't just saying that. I will only say this to a booty call if I actually do like her as a person. Last year I had a similar situation where I actually liked the girl I was hooking up with, but she thought my nice words and hang out suggestions were exactly what you said - what I thought she wanted to hear and that I didn't actually like her as a person. I just knew we weren't compatible for a serious relationship for other reasons. I did really enjoy spending time with her though. I also really wouldn't want a booty call who I wasn't into outside of the bedroom to get the wrong idea. Edited December 28, 2022 by ccas93
Alpacalia Posted December 28, 2022 Posted December 28, 2022 It doesn't sound like you're open to hanging out outside of the bedroom so it's probably best just to politely decline. It's fine to keep it casual, if that's what you prefer. Make your denials clear and don’t go into complicated details.
basil67 Posted December 28, 2022 Posted December 28, 2022 If he wants more than you, are you prepared that this may signal the end of your arrangement? It's a very common outcome for casual sex arrangements
Wiseman2 Posted December 28, 2022 Posted December 28, 2022 9 hours ago, Hpchic said: he said it doesn’t just have to be about sex, and that he likes hanging out with me and we can do things together other than sex. It seems like he wants FWB. That's ok you can still be casual and do stuff in addition to sex. 1
FMW Posted December 28, 2022 Posted December 28, 2022 If he said it several times then believe it. Are you playing hard to get as far as sex goes, meaning does he have to work at getting you to say yes? If not, then why would he feel the need to lie to keep it going? Some people can have sex with someone and also enjoy hanging out with them or even going out with them without wanting a full blown relationship. As others have advised, if you don't want to see him other than just for sex, let him know that. If it's because you are afraid of catching feelings for him, then you probably aren't cut out for an ongoing booty call situation. As NuevoYorko said, repeated sex is more likely to bring up feelings than non-sexual time together.
smackie9 Posted December 28, 2022 Posted December 28, 2022 Men can get attached when the sex is amazing. 2
Author Hpchic Posted December 28, 2022 Author Posted December 28, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, FMW said: If he said it several times then believe it. Are you playing hard to get as far as sex goes, meaning does he have to work at getting you to say yes? If not, then why would he feel the need to lie to keep it going? Some people can have sex with someone and also enjoy hanging out with them or even going out with them without wanting a full blown relationship. As others have advised, if you don't want to see him other than just for sex, let him know that. If it's because you are afraid of catching feelings for him, then you probably aren't cut out for an ongoing booty call situation. As NuevoYorko said, repeated sex is more likely to bring up feelings than non-sexual time together. No not playing hard to get with sex at all lol. Yes, I’m aware the sex can make me catch feelings too that’s why I try not to see him often. Prior to Monday last time I saw him was on Thanksgiving, we did try to get together before Monday but it just didn’t work out due to our schedules. Also, he lives very close by but will me moving across town next month so I imagine we’ll be seeing each other even less. I get what you are saying, but in my mind if I’m hanging out with him and having sex with him I think the chances of catching feelings increase. I also know he has another woman that is currently a FWB as well, so I think that’s just his MO. He’s a nice/sweet guy so my best friend said he probably just said that so he doesn’t feel like a d*ck, but I don’t see why he would feel that way I’m a willing participant lol. Edited December 28, 2022 by Hpchic
Alpacalia Posted December 28, 2022 Posted December 28, 2022 1 hour ago, Hpchic said: I get what you are saying, but in my mind if I’m hanging out with him and having sex with him I think the chances of catching feelings increase. If your fear of catching feelings is what keeps you from hanging out with him, perhaps this is not the ideal situation for you. Most of the time, these interactions are between individuals who have no expectation of a romantic relationship developing in the future.
Author Hpchic Posted December 28, 2022 Author Posted December 28, 2022 6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: If your fear of catching feelings is what keeps you from hanging out with him, perhaps this is not the ideal situation for you. Most of the time, these interactions are between individuals who have no expectation of a romantic relationship developing in the future. I don’t expect a romantic relationship to develop but I don’t think catching feelings has anything to do with expectations 1
Alpacalia Posted December 28, 2022 Posted December 28, 2022 7 minutes ago, Hpchic said: I don’t expect a romantic relationship to develop but I don’t think catching feelings has anything to do with expectations I am not suggesting that the two are related. However, you're writing that you don't want to spend time with him one-on-one because you don't want to worry about catching feelings from him, and you're also asking on here what his desire to spend time with you could possibly mean to him if he does indeed want to do so. If this was strictly casual for you, then it wouldn't matter.
smackie9 Posted December 28, 2022 Posted December 28, 2022 You can tell him you don't need the intimate talk. The agreement is just meeting up for sex and lets keep it that way.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 28, 2022 Posted December 28, 2022 Are you telling yourself he doesn't mean these things in order to protect yourself from getting hurt? Sometimes we manage down our expectations as a means of avoiding pain. Maybe if you convince yourself he doesn't want more than sex, it will be less painful in case you realize you are right. I would be careful here. You say you went on a couple dates and then it just devolved into sex. How did that happen? Did he stop asking you out? He might be perfectly fine with a FWB arrangement, but without any commitment to you. Would you be fine with that? Or would you get too attached?
stillafool Posted December 28, 2022 Posted December 28, 2022 2 hours ago, Hpchic said: I don’t spend the night and I don’t cuddle (maybe a quick cuddle right after but that’s it). If you keep it to just strictly sex I think it’s just easier. Also, it helps is if it’s with a person who you are incompatible with for the long term. I think booty calls are a bit easier for people who are very sexual…you’re just scratching an itch lol. Also, no contact in between meeting up. Contact should only be made to meet up. It definitely sounds like you've got the rules for such a relationship down pat, unlike most women who come here, and I commend you for that. 1
Author Hpchic Posted December 28, 2022 Author Posted December 28, 2022 (edited) 53 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Are you telling yourself he doesn't mean these things in order to protect yourself from getting hurt? Sometimes we manage down our expectations as a means of avoiding pain. Maybe if you convince yourself he doesn't want more than sex, it will be less painful in case you realize you are right. I would be careful here. You say you went on a couple dates and then it just devolved into sex. How did that happen? Did he stop asking you out? He might be perfectly fine with a FWB arrangement, but without any commitment to you. Would you be fine with that? Or would you get too attached? Yes we went on a few dates in the beginning. On the first date I realized there was no future with him because there were some dealbreakers for me about him (which I won’t get into). I was physically attracted to him, and it has been a while for me so after our second date we went back to his place (at my urging lol) and had sex. After that we did go on one more date but since then we’ve just met up for sex. One of us will ask to meet up and he’ll usually ask me if I’d like to go out and I say no. I’d say all together we’ve only seen each other 5 times, 3 have been dates and two have just been going over one another’s place and having sex. I don’t want a commitment from him or anything serious. But I’m also aware it is not hard to catch feelings in these type of situations so I’m trying to play it safe. I’m still dating, and actively looking to find someone for the long term. Edited December 28, 2022 by Hpchic
ExpatInItaly Posted December 28, 2022 Posted December 28, 2022 If it's only actually been 2 hook-ups without a date, it's not even really a booty call. Rather than making into a bigger deal than it is, I would be honest with him that you see this as just sex and nothing more. It will then be up to him if he wants to continue or pursue other women who are more compatible with him and would like to date him. He might just opt out and leave you be. Problem solved. 1
Mrin Posted December 29, 2022 Posted December 29, 2022 On whether or not he means it: I don't mean to be too graphic but did he say these things before or after his orgasm? If before, then who knows. If after then he might actually mean it. As to what to do: based on what you have written you really aren't interested in pursuing anything more than a sexual relationship with him. Now, you could have a upfront conversation about this and that might work best. If you don't feel comfortable doing that you can take him more indirect approach. During sex, engage in a little dirty talk. Tell him to use you like a whore he is never going to see again. Or to treat you like a sex toy/object. Stuff like that. It will reprogram his brain to stop looking at you as a potential relationship partner and more like a well whatever you tell him. It will get him out of the "making love" mindset and back into F-ing. Just a thought. Mrin
Author Hpchic Posted December 29, 2022 Author Posted December 29, 2022 6 hours ago, Mrin said: On whether or not he means it: I don't mean to be too graphic but did he say these things before or after his orgasm? If before, then who knows. If after then he might actually mean it. As to what to do: based on what you have written you really aren't interested in pursuing anything more than a sexual relationship with him. Now, you could have a upfront conversation about this and that might work best. If you don't feel comfortable doing that you can take him more indirect approach. During sex, engage in a little dirty talk. Tell him to use you like a whore he is never going to see again. Or to treat you like a sex toy/object. Stuff like that. It will reprogram his brain to stop looking at you as a potential relationship partner and more like a well whatever you tell him. It will get him out of the "making love" mindset and back into F-ing. Just a thought. Mrin He said it after I think next time I see him if he brings it up again I’ll just let him know I’d like to keep things the way they are. This maybe TMI but the sex currently includes a good amount of dirty talk and I’d say we’re f-ing not making love lol. I really doubt he’s looking for a relationship (at least not with me), I think at best he may want a FWB, which I’ve always thought is kinda difficult to have with someone who isn’t already a friend. In my experience a FWB usually happens when you’re already friends and then you start hooking up, not the other way around. Plus like I said, he already has a FWB with another woman.
glows Posted December 29, 2022 Posted December 29, 2022 Yes, just be clear in a gentle way and change the subject - have sex. I also want to mention the thought of catching feelings. Remarkably there are some people you may have sex with many times and you won’t ever have deeper feelings for. On 12/27/2022 at 4:10 PM, Hpchic said: then it just turned into a booty call which I’m totally cool with because I’m not looking for anything serious with this guy. Do you mind me asking why he turned you off of something more serious or committed down the line early on?
Author Hpchic Posted December 29, 2022 Author Posted December 29, 2022 (edited) 41 minutes ago, glows said: Yes, just be clear in a gentle way and change the subject - have sex. I also want to mention the thought of catching feelings. Remarkably there are some people you may have sex with many times and you won’t ever have deeper feelings for. Do you mind me asking why he turned you off of something more serious or committed down the line early on? He has issues (which I won’t get into on here) that would prevent me from considering anything serious with him. Luckily he was honest and upfront about it on our first date so he didn’t keep it from me, which I appreciate. Edited December 29, 2022 by Hpchic
glows Posted December 29, 2022 Posted December 29, 2022 11 minutes ago, Hpchic said: He has issues (which I won’t get into on here) that would prevent me from considering anything serious with him. Luckily he was honest and upfront about it on our first date so he didn’t keep it from me, which I appreciate. That’s wonderful that he was open and honest. See how it goes. I’m guessing there are others you’re dating and meeting also. Eventually this will wane and won’t hold much interest if you can’t see yourself with him. He may choose to stop seeing you too if he’s the one starting to get feelings. I don’t see this continuing for long or at most, an on/off mutually beneficial sort of companion.
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