MM is ex of 20+ years

[Changeme]

Hi,

Finally, maybe I’m in a place where people won’t judge me. I think I just want to talk about it because I’m thinking about him a lot recently.

I started dating my ex (now MM) after a drunken one-night stand in December 2000, and we dated until May 2001 when he broke up with me. He told me much much later (like, a couple of years ago) that it was because I was basically a hot mess — and I was, trust me.

We proceeded to be drunken fwb for 7+ years until 2008 when I really dove down the bottle and stopped calling him for hookups. Then in 2009, I got sober from alcohol and drugs and we lost touch until… I dunno, 2018? when he reached out on FB.

I don’t know what prompted the initial outreach, but I don’t think it was with the intention of having an affair. Maybe he wanted to show me his life, which involved him getting married to a girl he’d been seeing for 10 years.

Let me sidestep for a second, and discuss the reasons I never pursued him for marriage in our 20s. First, he broke up with me, and if he’d wanted to date me again, it was up to him to initiate it, and he never did. Second, the only times we talked for 7 years were when I called him drunk. Third, there was him telling me really early on that he wanted a wedding with his 9 best friends in the wedding party. I had no friends, I was embarrassed, so I bowed out. I know, to an extent it’s ridiculous, but that wedding was really just a badge for the things he wanted that I didn’t. Fourth, I moved to the city in 2001 and I knew he’d never leave the suburbs so I was also never interested in pursuing him. The few times I thought about him over the 11 years were, “I hope he got his wife and 2.5 kids in the suburbs.”

After we'd been bantering a bit over Signal (messaging app with disappearing messages which he readily moved to when I requested), in June 2019, I got super drunk one night and told him that I was starting to have thoughts about him, and he said he was too. He told me just a few weeks ago that he was in an airport when we had that conversation, and that’s when he started to come to grips with “us.” Basically, he knew he was going to have an affair — he had told me in the previous weeks that he never enjoyed sex with his wife, and that he brought condoms in his trip — and that was the night I basically told him I was ready whenever he was. A couple of weeks later, we hooked up for the first time in 11 years.

We hooked up twice, then he kind of strayed out of messaging me. He signed back on in July to tell me his wife was pregnant, to which I responded, “Well, I guess you get to have that experience!” and that was it until 2021.

I don’t remember exactly when we got back in touch, but he said that he wanted to tell me something funny: I was the last person he had sex with. His wife had gotten pregnant before we hooked up in June 2019, and they never had sex after.

Things get a little fuzzy but in November 2021 he said that he had a trip to the beach coming up for work and that he was scheming to take me with him. I did end up going and it was… probably one of the best trips that I’ve had or ever will have (minus losing internet the last day when I was supposed to be working). He came over again that month, then we went to a hotel with a hot tub in January 2022 — and in February he wrote me an email breaking up with me. Said he didn’t like who he was, he couldn’t think about himself. There were a few more emails exchanged but basically I told him to do what he needed to do and went on my way.

In July, he reached back out and we got back together for a night. We’ve been in touch on and off since then but we haven’t gotten really serious about getting together again until the past couple of weeks.

I can’t stop thinking about him. I was at a museum at the beginning of December and there were all these families there. I’ve been childfree since my 20s — and if we’d gotten together he likely would have been snipped, no oops babies for us — but it twinged me. The only other time I’d been in a museum in 20 years I saw a family with a kid reaching out towards some gems in a display and — well, I thought about if it had happened for me, it would have been with him.

What else can I tell you? Emotions. I only told him I loved him once when we were together in 2001 and he never responded (said in later years that he’d probably passed out). I just… kind of don’t do emotions in terms of dating. I never really have, it’s probably another reason I didn’t pursue him for a long term relationship — I didn’t have the feelings for him, he was a consistent drunken lay until I stopped calling him. Through my 30s I wasn’t interested in a relationship, but now that I’m in my 40s — I’m starting to worry a bit about being alone in retirement.

I… did do a thing though. When he broke up with me in February of this year, I wrote an impassioned email to him telling him that I’m willing to play a long game here. That right now he needs his wife to live in the suburbs but that when his kid is grown (or can at least drive) I want to be with him.

In internet searching around about OW advice, it's all, “Get out, he's unhappy in his marriage and what do you expect, he's been with her longer and he won't commit.” This is a bit different. I knew him and was with him for 8 years before they hooked up.

I guess it's the holidays, the fact that my Discord server is dead so I don't have the social outlet to distract me from thinking about him. I've been frantically swiping on bumble and am talking to a guy in another state I met on reddit — but I know with just about anyone, if my ex comes calling, I will go.

We have to end up together. We just will. But will he leave someone he raised a child with? Wouldn't he feel obligated to her? But couples do get divorced when the kids graduate high school, I've seen it happen. And we're a special case, aren't we?

Our time to talk on Signal (just text) is about 11-midnight and the time always goes so fast. I almost emailed him this past weekend but held off, and here's why: I don't want to cause him anguish by him thinking about me. I don't want to encroach on his regular life to the point where it's not worth keeping me around. But when I talked to him Christmas Eve about emailing he said it was fine.

I don't know how to play this, and I guess this is why I'm asking for advice. This could be a tremendous opportunity here. We could start another dialogue and connect in another way — provided it doesn't backfire as described above. I want to slowly introduce topics where we can really get to know each other. We didn't get that chance in our 20s, we were drunk. In our 30s we didn't talk and in our 40s we are a perfect fit. He tells me this, that it's like I'm made for him.

I want to get to know him, I want him to fall with and be with me but I don't want to cause him to be anymore conflicted than he is for fear of losing what we've got.

I'll leave this long post with this question: Do you think I have a chance to get what I want? Should I try to connect with him or leave it to what it is?

Thanks. Glad to be here.

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, Changeme said:

Should I try to connect with him or leave it to what it is?

I would leave it where it is. There is no opportunity for you here, he has moved on.

You’ve had 20 years together and it hasn’t happened. What you have is a very unhealthy history with this man…

I think you are seeing time march on and you are clearly lonely, which is causing you to romanticize this relationship. If I was you, I would try to find something to do - find some people to spend time with this week, and look to the new year for a new opportunity. 

My humble opinion, look forward in life, not backward. Good luck.

[Changeme]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I would leave it where it is. There is no opportunity for you here, he has moved on.

He hasn’t moved on though? We talk a bit on Signal, and we’re planning to get together next month.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Changeme said:

He hasn’t moved on though? We talk a bit on Signal, and we’re planning to get together next month.

He is married and he has a child. He has moved on - regardless of whether he continues to contact you for sex. In the ways that matter, he has moved on…

The fact that he continues to hookup with you would be reason enough for me to walk away. I don’t want a man in my life would would do this - it’s not “fated in the stars, we are destined to be together…” It’s a sign that he is not a man on whom I would trust and depend. 

But, if you chose to waste more years of your life waiting for him to leave his wife and going through the process of divorce if/when he files - that’s your decision. I wouldn’t waste another day here myself…

Edited December 26, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Changeme said:

He hasn’t moved on though? We talk a bit on Signal, and we’re planning to get together next month.

He has completely moved on.  He may want a bit of extra sex on the side at this point but that's as far as he will take it.  He probably enjoyed the drunken sex with you and that's what prompted him to reach out.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Changeme said:

I almost emailed him this past weekend but held off, and here's why: I don't want to cause him anguish by him thinking about me. I don't want to encroach on his regular life to the point where it's not worth keeping me around.

Then don't.  It's that simple.

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Then don't.  It's that simple.

You stand on a precipice OP - you can either walk away and go in search of your own life or you can intrude in this marriage/this family. Simple as that.

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, Changeme said:

 Do you think I have a chance to get what I want? Should I try to connect with him or leave it to what it is?

Thanks. Glad to be here.

IMO, despite the history, your odds are quite slim. When the kids are grown, he will still stand to lose likely a lot of money (depending on his specific situation) AND the "stability" of the life he has built with his life.

Some people are ok with an OW/OM role/situation. However, one irony of being that is that it often makes the (often but not alwasy) bad or lukewarm marriage of the married AP more tolerable to them, by being an "outlet"/"escape", etc. So it can make the married AP more likely to stay put.

Despite your feelings, you had your opportunity with this guy and it didn't happen. If you're looking for a "happily ever after" I suspect you'll be MUCH better off (particularly statistically speaking) putting this behind you and finding and fully committing to a new partner. If you do this, I think you need to resolve to be fully done with him, in order to be a "safe" and genuinely committed partner to whomever would come next.

[basil67]

Sorry, you're not a special case.  It's just another sordid affair with his wife as an innocent victim.  And he's probably lying about not having sex.   

What his actions show you is that he's happy to have a bit of sex with you, but he's certainly not going to leave his home life, wife and child for you. 

 

[Weezy1973]

If he wanted to be with you, he would be. Actions speak louder than words. You need to move on from him if you want to be happy. As long as your fantasy relationship with him exists, no other (available) guy has a chance. And perhaps that’s by design on your part. I suspect you being a “hot mess” was due to a difficult childhood and your non emotional dating is a defense mechanism. Choosing a married man as your one and only is also a defense mechanism. 

[Starswillshine]

45 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

If he wanted to be with you, he would be. Actions speak louder than words. You need to move on from him if you want to be happy. As long as your fantasy relationship with him exists, no other (available) guy has a chance. And perhaps that’s by design on your part. I suspect you being a “hot mess” was due to a difficult childhood and your non emotional dating is a defense mechanism. Choosing a married man as your one and only is also a defense mechanism. 

I, too, wonder if there was something in childhood to lead to  being detached from emotions.

OP, I don't see anything special here. Hooking up here and there over a 20 year span does not equal emotional connection and that to which to huild a life together. I would not hold my future waiting for a guy who has a whole life out there- a wife and child. He will just be a reason why you stay emotionally detached from everyone. 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Changeme said:

 We talk a bit on Signal, and we’re planning to get together next month.

It depends on what you want. If a part-time relationship works for you, that is what is being offered. At some level you know you're unavailable so chose someone equally unavailable for the occasional chat or tryst.