What the heck was this?

[Lookingforlasting]

59 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Starting right off, when he said something you didn't like and you told him you'd find someone else, and (in the same exchange or close) you went off on a rant about how "guys today suck" - those are examples of you bullying and manipulating to get him to do what you wanted.  Your thread is full of similar examples, including you sharing your "tragedies" at times when he was probably trying to move on.

Regardless of what you did - HE is responsible for HIS choices and behavior.   But had you refrained from this stuff, things would have played out differently.  He would have left a long time sooner.  

No way was this guy a match for you in any sense.  

My rant was not an attempt to make him continue to date me.... it was just telling him off before I dumped him...but I did not expect the crying nor him telling me his text "we can meet some weekend" should have come out as "some day this weekend" nor him asking to meet that day to Straighten things out.

  As far as revealing our past life histories... that was natural over the course of the relationship it wasn't when he was trying to break things off with me.

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, Lookingforlasting said:

My rant was not an attempt to make him continue to date me.... it was just telling him off before I dumped him...but I did not expect the crying nor him telling me his text "we can meet some weekend" should have come out as "some day this weekend" nor him asking to meet that day to Straighten things out.

It would help if you would stop being so defensive and listen, we are all here trying to help you. 

Your rant was out of line, period.

Best to stop expecting to people to communicate exactly as you do, the written word is ambiguous, open to different interpretations.

As stated in my previous, manage your emotions and seek clarification before preemptively dumping. 

Good luck. 

[Lookingforlasting]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It would help if you would stop being so defensive and listen, we are all here trying to help you. 

Your rant was out of line, period.

Best to stop expecting to people to communicate exactly as you do, the written word is ambiguous, open to different interpretations.

As stated in my previous, manage your emotions and seek clarification before preemptively dumping. 

Good luck. 

Totally did not post my rant response with a defensive attitude, I was just stating the facts about it but I can see re-reading it that some may take it as having a defensive tone.

[Beachead]

@Lookingforlasting

Quote

Wth?? What was this? My head is spinning.

Sorry this happened to you.

The answer is really there in the final act; you dated a guy who led you on because he was too afraid to do the right thing.   

Regardless of what you did and what he blames you for, if one feels it isn't working out, one should end it.  He didn't do that.  He led you on.  Very weak and immature.

The good thing is you are no longer being misled, building your life on a lie.   It'll take time to recover from this.  Be patient with yourself.

- Feather

Edited December 26, 2022 by MisterFeather

[Lookingforlasting]

2 hours ago, Alvi said:

OP, you are around 47, right? What was your dating life like before meeting these two guys? I would suggest that you date guys around your age. Also, try not to force things. If you see that it is not working, don't tell a guy that he is free to leave. Tell him that this is not working for you and leave him instead.

I actually dated older men when I was younger. When I turned 35 younger men started asking me out and after having had my heart broke by so many older cheating lying guys I decided to try dating younger men. It appears it's nothing to do with age...almost every guy I have met in my life didnt have their s*** together or had someone else in the wings etc. I think this is why I finally unfortunately lost my s*** on this guy....so sick of scumbag guys.

Edited December 26, 2022 by Lookingforlasting

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said:

almost every guy I have met in my life didnt have their s*** together or had someone else in the wings etc. I think this is why I finally unfortunately lost my s*** on this guy....so sick of scumbag guys.

Dating, interacting and developing relationships aren't about one person being a scumbag or one person being anything.

It's about how both people interact and vibe together. 

Cause and effect.

Every action triggers a reaction which in turn causes another reaction, lather, rinse, repeat. 

It's about how both people act and react to and with each other. 

That same guy who is a scumbag with you might be completely different with another woman (i.e. a great guy), depending on her responses and reactions and how they interact/vibe together.

Look within.

Reflect on your own behavior, actions and reactions to determine how you might be contributing to the very thing that hurts you the most - attracting men who don't treat you well.

Not all men are scumbags, in fact most are not.  The men I attracted and dated were not and I recently got married to a great guy!

[ ] 

 

Edited December 26, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[Lookingforlasting]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Dating, interacting and developing relationships aren't about one person being a scumbag or one person being anything.

It's about how both people interact and vibe together. 

Cause and effect.

Every action triggers a reaction which in turn causes another reaction, lather, rinse, repeat. 

It's about how both people act and react to and with each other. 

That same guy who is a scumbag with you might be completely different with another woman, depending on her responses and reactions and how they interact/vibe together.

Look within. Reflect on your own behavior, actions and reactions to determine how you might be contributing to the very thing that hurts you the most - men who don't treat you well.

Not all men are scumbags, in fact most are not.  The men I attracted and dated were not and I recently got married to a great guy!

Why?  Who knows but I tend to think it's because I like men, I trust until they give me reason not to and always tried to see the positive in what they had to offer versus the negative.

Virtually all my boyfriends and now husband told me they found this so refreshing and it was one reason why they fell in love with me.

Not saying this to root my own horn, but think about it. 

Your energy comes off quite bitter and negative and men can sense this and it has the tendency to repel them.

 

In my cases I am saying most had gfs or wives already in the picture (one I found on the 3rd date had one of each :roll eyes:)... or they were not looking for a serious relationship  (and I dont mean not with just me....found out they went on to date other women casually) or as the case with the previous was practically engaged already. Two asked me to date them when their wives were nearby :roll eyes: One of whom I always thought their marriage was so good and first told me a story of a prior infidelity and asked me to never tell her about it just before hitting on me.

Edited December 26, 2022 by Lookingforlasting

[Wiseman2]

Consider better screening when dating. Avoid red flags and cut your losses early as soon as you spot them.

[mark clemson]

54 minutes ago, Lookingforlasting said:

When I turned 35 younger men started asking me out and after having had my heart broke by so many older cheating lying guys I decided to try dating younger men. It appears it's nothing to do with age...almost every guy I have met in my life didnt have their s*** together or had someone else in the wings etc. I think this is why I finally unfortunately lost my s*** on this guy....so sick of scumbag guys.

Since this is a consistent pattern, and from some of the things you've mentioned in this thread - you might seriously consider whether the phrase "broken attracts broken" might apply to your relationships.

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Dating, interacting and developing relationships aren't about one person being a scumbag or one person being anything.

It's about how both people interact and vibe together. 

Cause and effect.

Every action triggers a reaction which in turn causes another reaction, lather, rinse, repeat. 

It's about how both people act and react to and with each other. 

That same guy who is a scumbag with you might be completely different with another woman (i.e. a great guy), depending on her responses and reactions and how they interact/vibe together.

Look within.

Reflect on your own behavior, actions and reactions to determine how you might be contributing to the very thing that hurts you the most - attracting men who don't treat you well.

Not all men are scumbags, in fact most are not.  The men I attracted and dated were not and I recently got married to a great guy!

Why?  Who knows but I tend to think it's because I like men, I trust until they give me reason not to and always tried to see the positive in what they had to offer versus the negative.

Virtually all my boyfriends and now husband told me they found this so refreshing and it was one reason why they fell in love with me.

Not saying this to toot my own horn, but think about it. 

Your energy comes off quite bitter and negative and men can sense this and it has the tendency to repel them and thus treat you poorly, become "scumbags."

 

To add, it might benefit you to take a break from dating for awhile, change your mindset and frame from negative to positive. 

Could make a big difference in the type of men you attract and your overall interactions with them. 

Agree with mark, broken people attract broken people, like attracts like, water seeks its own level. 

Edited December 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[Lookingforlasting]

17 hours ago, glows said:

 Yes. Completely ignoring the major issue of moving across the country for almost the entirety of the relationship? No. That is not acceptable. Maybe you have further details on this.

He knew when he met me he was either going to have to move to the other side of the US or go back to his home country but he didn't spell this out fir me he only told me when we met he was here on a work Visa for past 5 years. I thought that meant he had pretty good odds of staying here eventually but things have changed in the process sonce I was last aware of it. Regardless, moving across the country didn't have to be a death sentence for two people who supposedly love one another as we could still afford to see each othrr once a month and maybe eventually I would decide to move there also.

When I told him I wasn't aware that being on a work Visa meant he would  eventually have to move across the country or go back to his home country he nastily responded "Well maybe you should learn to ask more questions".  I reminded him I did ask him a question before we even met ...one which was actually more important to me and he had lied about it.

[Beachead]

@Lookingforlasting

2 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said:

I actually dated older men when I was younger. When I turned 35 younger men started asking me out and after having had my heart broke by so many older cheating lying guys I decided to try dating younger men. It appears it's nothing to do with age...almost every guy I have met in my life didnt have their s*** together or had someone else in the wings etc. I think this is why I finally unfortunately lost my s*** on this guy....so sick of scumbag guys.

Who wouldn't feel like that.  [I believe] lot of people would feel as you do if they went through that.  

I went through a lot of bad situations with females.   I made some bad choices and definitely contributed to my own problems but there were also many situations where it had to do with their lives. Some people can unintentionally (Or intentionally) obscure their insincerity behind their bs that they've learned to believe, because they haven't done the necessary internal work to figure out and squash the contributing personal demons.

And when you go through these things over and over again, it drains you.  You lose patience.  You lose compassion.  You lost trust.  Then you burn out.   That's where you're at.

Age has something to do with it but it most certainly isn't the only factor in the equation of why people do the stupid things they do.  I've seen a lot of older people do some very crappy things to people.  I've seen a lot of younger people do it as well.    Upbringing, past relationships, past trauma, support structure, financial class, culture, geography, health etc. all contribute to how people view themselves and the world which flows into the choices they make.  Sometimes you alone could have triggered a particular behavior, but most often than not, exogenous factors contribute.

Edited December 26, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to other posters

[NuevoYorko]

He's 30 and you're 47, right?   Don't you think that's an extreme age gap for a "serious" relationship?  I mean the times of life are absolutely at odds with each other - he'd be about ready to start a family, and you are probably past childbearing years.  But you were looking at what your potential kids would look like on an app ... 

Were you being realistic?

[BaileyB]

This relationship was mismatched from the very start and your (both partners) poor communication and unrealistic expectations did you in.

I’m your age OP and if I’m looking for a serious relationship, I’m not going to be trying to build a relationship with a thirty year old man…

I hope you are able to let this go and move on. Best wishes. 

Edited December 26, 2022 by BaileyB

[Lookingforlasting]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

He's 30 and you're 47, right?   Don't you think that's an extreme age gap for a "serious" relationship?  I mean the times of life are absolutely at odds with each other - he'd be about ready to start a family, and you are probably past childbearing years.  But you were looking at what your potential kids would look like on an app ... 

Were you being realistic?

He says he doesn't want kids...but then again he lies...let alone if he doesn't want them why did he even mention the app?

[Lookingforlasting]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

To add, it might benefit you to take a break from dating for awhile, change your mindset and frame from negative to positive. 

Could make a big difference in the type of men you attract and your overall interactions with them. 

Agree with mark, broken people attract broken people, like attracts like, water seeks its own level. 

I  Don't know if that's the issue but I always seem to get in the middle of other people's s***. Here's another example…. a few years ago I was alone on Valentine's Day so I went to a club that was hosting a party. Ironically again a younger guy asked me to dance. I danced with him and all of a sudden a woman comes over and starts yelling at him... it was his girlfriend and they were having issues that night. I immediately removed myself from them and sat back down where I would been sitting all night long. He came over to me and she followed and says "what are you going to go home with her tonight??"

This also happened with a lesbian couple I was working for at a function.... I was explaining to one of them a process and the other 1 drunk came over and said similar thing as the previous example.

 I  actually feel quite whole in myself but I often get dragged into other people's bullshit.

 

 

Edited December 26, 2022 by Lookingforlasting

[basil67]

24 minutes ago, Lookingforlasting said:

I  Don't know if that's the issue but I always seem to get in the middle of other people's s***. Here's another example…. a few years ago I was alone on Valentine's Day so I went to a club that was hosting a party. Ironically again a younger guy asked me to dance. I danced with him and all of a sudden a woman comes over and starts yelling at him... it was his girlfriend and they were having issues that night. I immediately removed myself from them and sat back down where I would been sitting all night long. He came over to me and she followed and says "what are you going to go home with her tonight??"

This also happened with a lesbian couple I was working for at a function.... I was explaining to one of them a process and the other 1 drunk came over and said similar thing as the previous example.

 I  actually feel quite whole in myself but I often get dragged into other people's bullshit.

The more we interact with other people, the more we find ourselves in weird situations such as this.   You sound like you get yourself out and about (and good on you) but it just means that you will have more experience with the odd crazy than those of us who are less social.   It's unpleasant, but quite normal

Keep being social, but don't go getting caught up in situations which are unlikely to work (like this huge age difference) and expect a positive outcome. 

Edited December 26, 2022 by basil67

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said:

I  Don't know if that's the issue but I always seem to get in the middle of other people's s***. Here's another example…. a few years ago I was alone on Valentine's Day so I went to a club that was hosting a party. Ironically again a younger guy asked me to dance. I danced with him and all of a sudden a woman comes over and starts yelling at him... it was his girlfriend and they were having issues that night. I immediately removed myself from them and sat back down where I would been sitting all night long. He came over to me and she followed and says "what are you going to go home with her tonight??"

Actually, this is hilarious. What a funny story to tell, lol. But ask yourself, would you rather be single or be this guy's girlfriend? Sure, she can tell people that she has a BF, but it's not likely going to last or that he is going to be faithful to her. 

Anyway, yeah, there are lots of "winners" out there. I hear you. Putting yourself out there and hoping to find the right one is definitely not easy. I can be very draining and soul sucking. I've been single for four years till I found the guy that I've been dating for a few months now. Before I met him, I was so jaded and almost lost all of my self worth due to the way that I was treated by the guys out there. I wish I could tell you it is going to get easier, but no, it is not going to. All you can do is filter better and definitely disqualify guys that don't meet your criteria. Don't waste your time on the unsuitable guys if you are looking for a serious relationship. I've lost count how many 30-years-old have been hitting on me. My answer is always the same "No way in hell." I don't give it any chance  at all because I don't want to have a heartbreak when they leave down the road. Yeah, this guys is way too young and it seems like he made you a scapegoat for his problems. 

Keep going, keep meeting guys, there are definitely good men out there. Maybe write  couple of  lists. One  list of what you are looking for in a guy. Things like qualities, looks, hobbies, etc... And another one of what you are not looking for in a guy. That may give you a clearer picture of what kind of guy you want in your life.

[BrinnM]

7 minutes ago, Alvi said:

I've lost count how many 30-years-old have been hitting on me. My answer is always the same "No way in hell." I don't give it any chance  at all because I don't want to have a heartbreak when they leave down the road.

Same! I used to be flattered but I have come to the conclusion that it’s not about me it’s about them.

[glows]

6 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said:

He knew when he met me he was either going to have to move to the other side of the US or go back to his home country but he didn't spell this out fir me he only told me when we met he was here on a work Visa for past 5 years. I thought that meant he had pretty good odds of staying here eventually but things have changed in the process sonce I was last aware of it. Regardless, moving across the country didn't have to be a death sentence for two people who supposedly love one another as we could still afford to see each othrr once a month and maybe eventually I would decide to move there also.

When I told him I wasn't aware that being on a work Visa meant he would  eventually have to move across the country or go back to his home country he nastily responded "Well maybe you should learn to ask more questions".  I reminded him I did ask him a question before we even met ...one which was actually more important to me and he had lied about it.

The gist of what I’m understanding is that there was a lot of confusion and too many moving parts. You took a lot of risks picking an individual who was too unsettled to begin with. Age may be a factor but he sounds all over the place. First, the work visa, second, the moving, third, the issue of family acceptance or being rejected.  None of these even have anything to do with his age and they’re all red flags for a number of issues and incompatibilities. 

Someone who isn’t honest with you about their goals or intentions early on is already starting off on a different wavelength. Him being short with you may be for any reason. He might have felt exasperated and on a short fuse with you because he felt trapped or pushed too much. Slow down next time and let a person show you and open up to you a bit more. Pick someone more on your wavelength. 

I don’t actually believe you lost anyone worth knowing as he showed his character in the way he wasn’t honest with you. One may argue that he felt his arm was being twisted and felt so manipulated that he lost his voice for whatever reason. I think children less than 1/3 of his age have better conscience. 

It’s worth learning from the experience but change how you pick partners in future. You seem open minded with a lot of time and affection to give. Avoid talking about your traumas. Work through them in private as your partner is not your therapist or counsellor. Also know your limits. Maybe you have found new limits in this experience too.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

On 12/25/2022 at 9:41 PM, La.Primavera said:

Truthfully, I found that a bit uncomfortable to read, particularly the part where you got angry at him for not making definitive plans with you after you had sex the first time.  You had him in tears, which is not okay.  That should have been a huge wakeup call that you were taking it too far.  When you push someone to that point of distress, anything they agree to is the result of your manipulation, not their own desire. That holds true, regardless of gender.

His age and lack of experience could absolutely have played a factor in his inability to assert himself more and express how uncomfortable he was with aspects of your relationship.  It probably wasn't all bad, but that doesn't mean it was a healthy relationship from his perspective.  Certainly, there was enough of a control and power imbalance that it took him time to figure out a way of ending it permanently.  That makes be believe that he was telling you the truth about why he ended the relationship. 

He sounds a bit weak willed and too inexperienced and young to know how to deal with a situation like this.  As someone older and more experienced, I would have ended things as soon as you started unloading your baggage from past experiences on the phone.  No one should be made to take on responsibility for something they didn't cause.   I get your need to control situations comes out of fear of being hurt, but as the end of relationship has shown, it comes at a cost.

How much you choose to take that on board and reflect on yourself is up to you.

Yes tbh. You sound very pushy. I would def reflect.  Also your choice of dating someone 17 years younger also indicates you prefer to dominate.

[Weezy1973]

10 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said:

..almost every guy I have met in my life didnt have their s*** together or had someone else in the wings etc.

You keep choosing these guys to date though. Something about them attracts you. This guy was 17 years younger. Some part of you must have known the chances were slim that it was going to turn into something serious. Even dating someone from a very different cultural background is going to be problematic for most relationships as you’ve found out. It’s as if you’re subconsciously picking men that for sure won’t work out - and when it doesn’t work you rant and blame the men (or all men). That way you don’t have to take responsibility for your own choices. 

Edited December 27, 2022 by Weezy1973

[Lookingforlasting]

8 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

Yes tbh. You sound very pushy. I would def reflect.  Also your choice of dating someone 17 years younger also indicates you prefer to dominate.

I have no preference for age and actually a lot of the time I wished that he had been more dominant in the relationship...I mostly made the travel plans and suggestions of things to do.  He is very bright has his Masters and seems very mature and intelligent when you talk to him (my friends agreed).  Also, where he is from parents keep close tabs... he is now almost 30 and still has to talk to the family every day for an hour (I think the previous guy it was the same also).  Needless to say.... I will never date another guy from that country... the culture clash is astounding. Also you cannot say I love you often, really ever after the first time.  Parents and kids do not say it to each other.  He had told me this after I said it again the 2nd time.  I thought he was making it up for some reason but googled it and found out that its true.... he also has to kiss his parents feet when he sees them (no hugging).

[Lookingforlasting]

6 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

You keep choosing these guys to date though. Something about them attracts you. This guy was 17 years younger. Some part of you must have known the chances were slim that it was going to turn into something serious. Even dating someone from a very different cultural background is going to be problematic for most relationships as you’ve found out. It’s as if you’re subconsciously picking men that for sure won’t work out - and when it doesn’t work you rant and blame the men (or all men). That way you don’t have to take responsibility for your own choices. 

I honestly didnt think this would turn into anything.  It was early stages of covid and I was dying to get out and do something.  I told a friend of mine about him and I said "Well at least I will get a night out and do some bowling". We met at Covid's height.  I honestly didnt think I would see him again after that... but we clicked mentally a lot and had great conversations and seemed to share quite a few values and outlooks on life.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said:

I honestly didnt think this would turn into anything. 

I wasn’t talking about this man specifically- only as he was part of your particular pattern of choosing unavailable, incompatible men. In your own words,  almost every man you’ve met doesn’t have his crap together. What is it in you that attracts you to these men? Clearly there are lots of well adjusted, commitment minded men in the world. Why aren’t you choosing them?