What the heck was this?

[Lookingforlasting]

I got asked out by a considerably younger man (17 years younger). He is also from a culture that marriage is sometimes arrainged.  I had just dated a guy prior from the same culture who after 3 months told me he was being set up for an arranged marriage  It was quite devastating because I really liked him. So before I even went out with the new guy I asked him if he was in similar situaton and if he could ever introduce me to his family  things ever got serious between us (I hated asking this as I'm not one to talk about something so serious before even meeting but giving the circumstances).  He told me his family was very educated and progressive and not backward like some in the country and he would have no problem introducing me to his family if it got to that level.

The 1st time we slept together we texted a lot the next few days. I asked when I could see him again and he said "We can meet some weekend".  I was disappointed with the answer bcuz I feel when a man is really interested he wants to see you again soon so I told him I was going to move on and look for someone else.  He asked why and then said it was just a miscommunication he had meant some day this weekend but if I wanted to move on that was OK too and he just didnt want to hurt me.

I was so confused at this point I called him and ranted on for a minute about how men suck today etc. I expected he would just hang up or say something insulting back but after I stopped I heard him sort of crying on the other end of the phone. I felt bad and apologized and asked him if he was OK.  I explained that I just want to have normal dating for a change and not friends with benefits, booty s*** or vague dating. He agreed to see me again and we continued dating.

Things were great for several months. We started seeing each other every weekend and did a lot of different fun things and had a lot of laughs and sweet moments and were very supportive of what was going on in each of our lives and after several months we exchanged I love yous.  He also used an app to see what our kids would look like if we had any. A few months later I asked again about meeting his family but this time he told me he could never introduce me due to our age difference. I was very sad to hear this and started to walk but he said it didn't matter and we could still live together someday.

He went overseas for the holidays to see his family for a month and a 1/2. When he came back he was very critical of me the next 2 weeks so much so that I said to him "You sound like youre miserable so why don't you leave?" But he didnt leave. By this time he knew about the tragedies in my life and had cried with me through a couple I had conveyed.

A few months later he told me he had to move across the country for his work. Legit/confirmed but he had known this all along but only informed me now. I was quite devastated and kind of pissed he'd known all along and didn't tell me.  We cried for hours before he left.  In text days later I mentioned we could see each other once a month. He said it would be too much money every month (he makes good $ btw). I pointed out it would actually cost less monthly than we used to spend seeing each other every weekend (we ate out often etc). He  didn't sound enthused and said he didn't want it to feel forced or stressed and we could just see each other on holidays. I visited him about a month after that for a few days. 

After I got back I asked about seeing each other for the upcoming holidays.  He must have told me no because we got into an argument and he told me I should find someone else.  As the argument continued he told me he had wanted the relationship to be over even the 1st month but I always bullied/manipulated him to stay.  I was floored.  I've never been referred to as a bully and I never ever begged him to stay.. quite the opposite. I reminded him I had told him to leave several times if he wasn't happy. He said he also felt bad about my tragedies which caused him to not be able to leave. I reminded him how I had told him he was not responsible for me in any way the time he expressed that.  On the flip he also said in a text shortly after "Threatening the existence of us being together doesnt work well with me" and "You always pressured me to leave then tortured and abused so much that i was forced to stay." The torture and abuse he is referring to is me crying/being sad when I would tell him to leave if he wasn't happy.

It was heartbreaking enough him breaking up with me but now him saying he wanted it over the 1st month and felt he could never leave...I told him it made me feel nauseous every time he said that. And yet he also had asked me one day before he moved what was my best relationship in my life. I told him it was him and he told me I was his and he feared he would never meet someone like me again.

Wth?? What was this? My head is spinning.

Edited December 26, 2022 by Lookingforlasting

[BrinnM]

It’s a breakup. So sorry!

[Lookingforlasting]

1 minute ago, BrinnM said:

It’s a breakup. So sorry!

I mean what was this relationship? Did this guy only date me because he felt bad for me or manipulated into the relationship and couldnt leave it either as he claims now?

[BrinnM]

Probably conflict avoidant. Didn’t want confrontation and played along, because he knew he was moving anyways. Easy way out. 

[NuevoYorko]

In the future you might want to choose guys that don't have so many extreme strikes against them:  17 years younger,  from a culture of arranged marriages, and all the rough patches throughout.   I'm sorry that you're going through a tough breakup.

[stillafool]

It did sound like you at first pressured him to continue to see you and he just went along with it in order to not hurt you.  Maybe where he's from men don't like to make women cry and that is why he was sad and stayed.  I can't understand why after your first bad experience with a guy of his culture you went for another one 17 years younger.  He feels you're too old for a long term partner/wife so you should just move on and let him go.

[La.Primavera]

Truthfully, I found that a bit uncomfortable to read, particularly the part where you got angry at him for not making definitive plans with you after you had sex the first time.  You had him in tears, which is not okay.  That should have been a huge wakeup call that you were taking it too far.  When you push someone to that point of distress, anything they agree to is the result of your manipulation, not their own desire. That holds true, regardless of gender.

His age and lack of experience could absolutely have played a factor in his inability to assert himself more and express how uncomfortable he was with aspects of your relationship.  It probably wasn't all bad, but that doesn't mean it was a healthy relationship from his perspective.  Certainly, there was enough of a control and power imbalance that it took him time to figure out a way of ending it permanently.  That makes be believe that he was telling you the truth about why he ended the relationship. 

He sounds a bit weak willed and too inexperienced and young to know how to deal with a situation like this.  As someone older and more experienced, I would have ended things as soon as you started unloading your baggage from past experiences on the phone.  No one should be made to take on responsibility for something they didn't cause.   I get your need to control situations comes out of fear of being hurt, but as the end of relationship has shown, it comes at a cost.

How much you choose to take that on board and reflect on yourself is up to you.

[glows]

I think some of it was lack of experience and maturity and also complete deception and disregard for you. 

I’d find his inexperience more believable and find sympathy for this man if he had not omitted he was leaving early on and withholding that from you.

He made the choice to move early on knowing it wouldn’t work. I don’t agree with that and he could have ended it earlier. It doesn’t take 40-50+ years of lived experience to know that hiding major decisions like that will affect and hurt others. Feeling sad and torn? Yes. Completely ignoring the major issue of moving across the country for almost the entirety of the relationship? No. That is not acceptable. Maybe you have further details on this.

[NuevoYorko]

I think it was hard for him to make this break and so he did what he felt he needed to do.  It was a weak move. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said:

I got asked out by a considerably younger man (17 years younger). He is also from a culture that marriage is sometimes arrainged. 

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. He was just sowing wild oats. 

[basil67]

17 years younger? Chances are it will be a few month fling. And I’d say that no matter what the gender.  If you want a serious relationship, make sensible decisions. 

[Calmandfocused]

Agree 100% with above posters. 
 

When you were ranting with him on the phone and made him cry I felt really sorry for him. I fully understand why he felt pressured. He probably felt overwhelmed, intimidated and highly anxious too. 
 

I would have felt exactly like him too if I had someone 17 years older acting authoritative with me and laying the law down with me. It’s like being disciplined by a parent. 
 

I’m picturing him being in his late teens/ early 20s and you being in your late 30s/ early 40s, is this correct? 
 

If so, how on Earth did you think this was going to work? Forget about meeting the parents for a second… how did you envision such a relationship working? 
 

I’m not saying that relationships with age differences cannot work. They can! However there has to be equality from the offset. There was no equality here. You made the demands, he delivered, and he tiptoed around to avoid upsetting you. Not healthy! 
 

Personally I think that him moving away was his escape plan hence he didn’t tell you in advance. It’s also clear from your Op that he didn’t want to continue the relationship with you after he moved but you pushed and manipulated him into seeing you again. 
 

Look Op it’s clear from your username that you want something long term and meaningful but you made the wrong choice for yourself here. Only date serious, realistic prospects in the future. 
 

And keep your emotions in check. This guy has given you very valid feedback. Use it to your advantage to make sure you don’t make the same mistakes. 
 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you both made mistakes and were incompatible from the start. 

He should have been honest that he wasn’t comfortable with the relationship and felt pressured, while you need to get a better handle on your emotions. You also need to learn to let go when it’s clear a man doesn’t want to continue, rather than trying to force something that just isn’t there (ie trying to convince him to continue long-distance when it was quite obvious that  he didn’t want to) 

 

[Lookingforlasting]

12 hours ago, stillafool said:

It did sound like you at first pressured him to continue to see you and he just went along with it in order to not hurt you.  Maybe where he's from men don't like to make women cry and that is why he was sad and stayed.  I can't understand why after your first bad experience with a guy of his culture you went for another one 17 years younger.  He feels you're too old for a long term partner/wife so you should just move on and let him go.

I was telling him off... I honestly thought he would either tell me off back or hang up on me.  Keep in mind... he also lied prior to meeting when he responded that he would have no problem introducing me to his family if things ever got to a serious level... I would not have even met with him had he been honest. 

 

[Lookingforlasting]

12 hours ago, La.Primavera said:

Truthfully, I found that a bit uncomfortable to read, particularly the part where you got angry at him for not making definitive plans with you after you had sex the first time.  You had him in tears, which is not okay.  That should have been a huge wakeup call that you were taking it too far.  When you push someone to that point of distress, anything they agree to is the result of your manipulation, not their own desire. That holds true, regardless of gender.

His age and lack of experience could absolutely have played a factor in his inability to assert himself more and express how uncomfortable he was with aspects of your relationship.  It probably wasn't all bad, but that doesn't mean it was a healthy relationship from his perspective.  Certainly, there was enough of a control and power imbalance that it took him time to figure out a way of ending it permanently.  That makes be believe that he was telling you the truth about why he ended the relationship. 

He sounds a bit weak willed and too inexperienced and young to know how to deal with a situation like this.  As someone older and more experienced, I would have ended things as soon as you started unloading your baggage from past experiences on the phone.  No one should be made to take on responsibility for something they didn't cause.   I get your need to control situations comes out of fear of being hurt, but as the end of relationship has shown, it comes at a cost.

How much you choose to take that on board and reflect on yourself is up to you.

I was telling him off and did not expect him to even stay on the phone. I was concerned by his reaction but we talked and he said he was interested to see me again and we ended up dating me for over a year.  I would not have even gone out with him except he lied prior to meeting about being able to introduce me to his family someday. 

[Lookingforlasting]

12 hours ago, glows said:

I think some of it was lack of experience and maturity and also complete deception and disregard for you. 

I’d find his inexperience more believable and find sympathy for this man if he had not omitted he was leaving early on and withholding that from you.

He made the choice to move early on knowing it wouldn’t work. I don’t agree with that and he could have ended it earlier. It doesn’t take 40-50+ years of lived experience to know that hiding major decisions like that will affect and hurt others. Feeling sad and torn? Yes. Completely ignoring the major issue of moving across the country for almost the entirety of the relationship? No. That is not acceptable. Maybe you have further details on this.

He didnt tell me he was moving until about 2 months before he did.... we had been dating for about a year at that point.

[Lookingforlasting]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

Agree 100% with above posters.  When you were ranting with him on the phone and made him cry I felt really sorry for him. I fully understand why he felt pressured. He probably felt overwhelmed, intimidated and highly anxious too. I would have felt exactly like him too if I had someone 17 years older acting authoritative with me and laying the law down with me. It’s like being disciplined by a parent. I’m picturing him being in his late teens/ early 20s and you being in your late 30s/ early 40s, is this correct?  If so, how on Earth did you think this was going to work? Forget about meeting the parents for a second… how did you envision such a relationship working? I’m not saying that relationships with age differences cannot work. They can! However there has to be equality from the offset. There was no equality here. You made the demands, he delivered, and he tiptoed around to avoid upsetting you. Not healthy! 
 

Personally I think that him moving away was his escape plan hence he didn’t tell you in advance. It’s also clear from your Op that he didn’t want to continue the relationship with you after he moved but you pushed and manipulated him into seeing you again.  Look Op it’s clear from your username that you want something long term and meaningful but you made the wrong choice for yourself here. Only date serious, realistic prospects in the future.  And keep your emotions in check. This guy has given you very valid feedback. Use it to your advantage to make sure you don’t make the same mistakes. 
 

 

He was 29 when I met him...now 30.  What I dont get.... we hardly knew each other... we went out 3xs.  He could have said bye... most guys do from my and other's experience that early on if they aren't really interested.

[Lookingforlasting]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you both made mistakes and were incompatible from the start. 

He should have been honest that he wasn’t comfortable with the relationship and felt pressured, while you need to get a better handle on your emotions. You also need to learn to let go when it’s clear a man doesn’t want to continue, rather than trying to force something that just isn’t there (ie trying to convince him to continue long-distance when it was quite obvious that  he didn’t want to) 

 

I totally was ready to let go right in the beginning....I told him I was going to move on and then he was all concerned and even said "I would like to meet today to clear things up".  He also said recently in an argument "threatening the existence of us being together doesn't work well with me" in response to me reminding him I had told him several times if he wasn't happy he could leave.  I gave him so many chances to leave.. and one time I really wanted him to because I was so tired of all his constant criticism and he just sat on my bed and wouldnt leave.

As far as continuing long-distance... we were crying for hours the day before he left so I couldnt understand why he was hesitant about continuing long distance... actually I think I went into shock when he started not seeming interested in it..so I wasnt trying to force I was just trying to solve what I thought was a distance problem... after a while I understood he wanted to end it.

Edited December 26, 2022 by Lookingforlasting

[Lookingforlasting]

I dont think I mentioned in my original post but in the very beginning after I went off on him he said "I would like to meet today to clear things up".

[Alvi]

I think that he is very emotionally immature. He is at the age, where he is mature enough to get a woman, but not mature enough to express how feelings and expectations.  A mature person would realize that a relationship is not working and would respectfully end things. An immature person stays our of whatever (be it guilt or anything else) and continues dragging this so-called relationship for month and month. And when he finally decides to end things, he starts blaming his partner instead of looking deep within himself and see why he stayed that long if he wasn't happy. He is not able to express his feelings and emotions (without crying) which is a red flag in itself.

I wonder if there is a similar dynamic that is going on between him and his mother. Do you think that she he finds her to be domineering and makes him unable to say her (perhaps she guiltrips him into doing whatever she wants him to do).  Perhaps you have reminded him of his mother and that's what attracted him to you in a first place do you think?

But no, I don't believe that he ever though that this was ever going to be a serious long term relationship resulting in a marriage. I think that he viewed it as a more as a younger men older woman or MILF experience. He always knew that this relationship had an expiration date and sooner or later it would end. Of course, you didn't force him into staying with you. 

OP, you are around 47, right? What was your dating life like before meeting these two guys? I would suggest that you date guys around your age. Also, try not to force things. If you see that it is not working, don't tell a guy that he is free to leave. Tell him that this is not working for you and leave him instead.

[mark clemson]

Quote

What the heck was this?

It was an extended fling that was probably never destined to go anywhere. Unfortunate that you were hoping for more. These things happen, c'est la vie.

[NuevoYorko]

Starting right off, when he said something you didn't like and you told him you'd find someone else, and (in the same exchange or close) you went off on a rant about how "guys today suck" - those are examples of you bullying and manipulating to get him to do what you wanted.  Your thread is full of similar examples, including you sharing your "tragedies" at times when he was probably trying to move on.

Regardless of what you did - HE is responsible for HIS choices and behavior.   But had you refrained from this stuff, things would have played out differently.  He would have left a long time sooner.  

No way was this guy a match for you in any sense.  

[Weezy1973]

He probably wanted to break up with you for awhile, but used the move to do it so it would be easier. It’s kind of irrelevant at this point right? Regardless of what the relationship was, it’s over now. Breakups suck. You don’t need him to provide “closure”. You can do that for yourself. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Lookingforlasting said:

I was telling him off... I honestly thought he would either tell me off back or hang up on me.  Keep in mind... he also lied prior to meeting when he responded that he would have no problem introducing me to his family if things ever got to a serious level... I would not have even met with him had he been honest. 

 

 Young guys lie to get sex.  Maybe date guys of your age.  You already knew his culture didn't work for you so why did you go for another go round with this guy?

[poppyfields]

17 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said:

The 1st time we slept together we texted a lot the next few days. I asked when I could see him again and he said "We can meet some weekend".  I was disappointed with the answer bcuz I feel when a man is really interested he wants to see you again soon so I told him I was going to move on and look for someone else.  He asked why and then said it was just a miscommunication he had meant some day this weekend but if I wanted to move on that was OK too and he just didnt want to hurt me.

I was so confused at this point I called him and ranted on for a minute about how men suck, etc. 

^First paragraph, you really overreacted!  Wow.  Next time try to manage your emotions better before dumping a man you presumably like and just engaged in sexual relations with, because of something he said that confused you. 

Communicate, seek clarification before jumping the gun and dumping a man due to what amounts to your own fears and anxieties about dating, sex and relationships

Second paragraph, even though you patched things up, or appeared to,  a man never forgets these types of "rants."

I believe this was the ultimate downfall once the honeymoon period ended. 

Try as he might he just couldn't shake your harsh words which said so much about your overall feeling towards men and towards him.

Again, it's about learning to manage your emotions to avoid sabotage and ruining something that had the potential to make you both happy. 

Early stages are so important and things said and done tend to stick with people forever. 

I'm sorry it didn't work out; reflect and introspect to determine what you could have done better for next time.  That's how we learn.

HE should do same, 

Edited December 26, 2022 by poppyfields