Was she putting me on the backburner?

[IsItReallyYou]

I recently cut things off with a girl I had been talking to because I got the sense that she was putting me on the backburner and not taking pursuing a relationship seriously, but I'm not sure.

For context, we live in different cities and met through mutual friends when I visited 5 months ago and had been talking ever since. The communication started strong, but there were a few times over the months where I felt her get a bit distant. Before I had enough to say anything, the communication would resume and things were okay again, usually when we FaceTimed every couple of weeks. Eventually, I visited again last month and took her on a date and spent the weekend together with our mutual friends. The date went okay but she seemed uncomfortable with physical contact, not reciprocating my effort to hold hands, go for a kiss, etc. She seemed to warm up to it near the end of the weekend, but by that point I didn't press it due to her hesitancy earlier. There were some points during the weekend where she seemed uncomfortable around me and would check her phone a lot. But then at the end of the weekend over a more casual dinner, she brought up where we were at with this (I was planning to initiate if she didn't). To my surprise, she also said she was excited to explore this further. I then brought up some of the intermittent communication distance I felt from the past few months, and she said she was only that way because she felt I was distant. We then agreed to feel more comfortable communicating candidly and playfully without hesitation.

In the weeks following, the communication had okay warmth and enthusiasm (we called over the phone once a week on two occasions) but that quickly dropped off a couple of weeks in. Her texts became a lot more cold and dry, with her not responding to my attempts at playfulness/banter. I would get left on read more via Snap, and then see her post on her IG story. In her defense, it was med school finals week for her, but I knew she had time because of her posting a lot, sending a lot of snaps that I knew were meant for multiple people but not directly responding to me, and overall my noticing over my visit that she was always checking and responding to her phone. Even with the phone calls we had, it was always impromptu on her schedule and always while she was doing something else (way different from the intentional FaceTimes we had before). From a little after the time we started talking, I always had this underlying feeling that she wasn't fully invested in this, and it dawned on me that perhaps she was just putting me on the backburner; as in, she would have told me that she doesn't want to pursue a relationship right now, but didn't because she enjoys the validation too much. This theory seemed to explain well a lot of the distance I had felt from her then and in the past, better than my old theory that she was just busy and trying to get to know me better slowly.

I wanted to talk to her to see where she was at and make it clearer what we were both looking for, but twice over the course of a week I got hit with the "can't call today, maybe another day?" - declining without proposing a time that worked for her, which is the tell-tale sign of "not interested". I tried to nail down a time to call, but no response. A day later, I sent the "this isn't working for me" text because I didn't want to chase her down at that point and the signs of disinterest (distant communication, brushing off my calls) just became too much to bear.

We texted after the fact and she said she wished I had told her how I was feeling earlier, but in my view I did do that during my visit when I brought up the distance I felt in the months prior. She also said she was really busy, but is that enough to override declining a call without proposing a follow-up time? Also, her idea of what dating meant seemed off to me and kind of confirmed my suspicions: she said she "only wanted to get to know me better, and if something comes out of that, great", but to me that sounds like it lacks the active intention necessary for actually pursuing something; I feel like after 5 months you should know someone well enough to know whether you want to pursue a relationship or not.

I'm left now with doubts over if I overreacted or if I accurately cut off a backburner situation. Which is the better explanation? That she was genuinely busy and trying her best with this? Or that she was withholding effort, either due to hesitation over distance or just loss of interest, and putting me on the backburner? My gut feeling said the latter throughout the majority of this process because she never seemed that interested and enthusiastic, but I don't know if I can trust my gut feeling. Insight appreciated!

Edited December 24, 2022 by IsItReallyYou
Minor detail added

[salparadise]

23 minutes ago, IsItReallyYou said:

Or that she was withholding effort, either due to hesitation over distance or just loss of interest, and putting me on the backburner? My gut feeling said the latter throughout the majority of this process because she never seemed that interested and enthusiastic

^ This. She may have liked the idea of having someone pursuing, but she wasn't reciprocating the attention or intention. Therefore I think dropping out was the right decision. Even if she had been local it would've been. Dating and relationships are a two-way thing, and if it's not then you need to just cut your losses. Why would anyone want to continue with someone who showed no enthusiasm and gave nothing back? As a man you're usually expected to initiate, but if after a short time she's not inclined toward mutuality... buzzt, curb.

Edited December 24, 2022 by salparadise

[glows]

You’re living in different cities. How often did you meet for dates in person?

[IsItReallyYou]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

You’re living in different cities. How often did you meet for dates in person?

Just the one time last month. We had been in relatively consistent contact beforehand and having mutual friends who knew us both well helped foster connection.

[glows]

I understand this is upsetting but this wasn’t really dating if you’re not actively going out on dates. And mind you, different people have varying degrees of open mindedness to long distance dating. 

Some even try it and realize it’s not for them. There may be any reason why she lost interest but it’s is clear she’s not as interested as you are. It’s ok to let this one go. 

Another thing to note is not everyone is quick to physical advances or physical intimacy right off the bat. I’m not a hugger and usually don’t kiss on the first date, never been an issue. In the end you pick people who are compatible with you. I don’t think you both were as compatible as it might have seemed in the beginning. Are you also in school?

[IsItReallyYou]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

I understand this is upsetting but this wasn’t really dating if you’re not actively going out on dates. And mind you, different people have varying degrees of open mindedness to long distance dating. 

Some even try it and realize it’s not for them. There may be any reason why she lost interest but it’s is clear she’s not as interested as you are. It’s ok to let this one go. 

Another thing to note is not everyone is quick to physical advances or physical intimacy right off the bat. I’m not a hugger and usually don’t kiss on the first date, never been an issue. In the end you pick people who are compatible with you. I don’t think you both were as compatible as it might have seemed in the beginning. Are you also in school?

I work full time and am not in school.

Yeah I just wish she would have been more up front about her not feeling this rather than letting it drag out, because it came at my expense. I feel like if I didn’t say anything she would have let it continue.

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, IsItReallyYou said:

Also, her idea of what dating meant seemed off to me and kind of confirmed my suspicions: she said she "only wanted to get to know me better, and if something comes out of that, great", but to me that sounds like it lacks the active intention

 

44 minutes ago, IsItReallyYou said:

I feel like if I didn’t say anything she would have let it continue.

Of course she would've. There was nothing there for you in the first place. She was willing to let you spin your wheels indefinitely, but she was only going to soak up attention, never giving anything. IOW, a time waster extraordinaire. See the bolded part of the top quote –– that pretty much says everything. You need to expect more. You deserve to get needs met as much as they do.

[glows]

1 hour ago, IsItReallyYou said:

I work full time and am not in school.

Yeah I just wish she would have been more up front about her not feeling this rather than letting it drag out, because it came at my expense. I feel like if I didn’t say anything she would have let it continue.

Your failsafe is always you. You are your own back up. When I say this I’m referring to paying more attention to her drop in communication and step back in future. She left you on read and was posting on social media suggesting she was busy and it wasn’t with you. She wasn’t interested. Pay more attention here next time, don’t struggle and just drop the pursuit. 

Ideally we do hope our partners and potential partners are communicative and honest. It’s usually not the case and we need to read between the lines and look at a person’s actions. 

Given that you’ve only met once I would strongly suggest putting this in perspective. Don’t take this too personally because the both of you were virtually complete strangers. That you know mutual friends is besides the point and created a false sense of intimacy. Some may argue she owes you no explanation or further discussion. 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, IsItReallyYou said:

I then brought up some of the intermittent communication distance I felt from the past few months, and she said she was only that way because she felt I was distant. 

This (specifically what's bolded) stood out to me in a big way.  It's called "flipping the script" and making it your fault. 

Translation: She expected you to pursue (chase) her a certain way (hard), break down her walls and since that wasn't/isn't you, she concluded you weren't into it or her, OR playing a game, and her response was to withdraw and essentially punish you for not playing HER game or acquiescing to HER frame. 

In short, she sounds extremely entitled, she's probably used to men chasing her hard, doing back flips trying to break down her walls and obvious resistance.

It's a very common test some women like to play, I'm very familiar with it.

I'm a woman myself and very familiar with this type.

You did absolutely the right thing by ending it. 

Edited December 24, 2022 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

Talking over FT or text is not dating. Totally friends zoned stuff. Ya maybe she kinda liked you but things got weird because you had way different expectations when you two met up. You were pushing to take things to the next level and she wasn't feeling it, hence looking at her phone to avoid the situation. The communication afterwards was her just being nice and pacifying you/avoiding any confrontation. But your interest didn't wane so she started to give less interest over text hoping you will finally give up. And it worked. You over invested, she made the decision she wasn't really interested for whatever reason. Just learn from this experience. Accept long distance if you BOTH are fully involved and agree to carry on the relationship, but don't try to get anything off the ground long distance. That's a time waster.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, IsItReallyYou said:

I feel like after 5 months you should know someone well enough to know whether you want to pursue a relationship or not.

One meeting in five months? What is the reason for this?

Irrespective. Yes, it seems that she has lost interest. While it would have been nice if she had said she wasn't interested after the first date, she didn't.

Your decision was the right one.

 

Edited December 24, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, IsItReallyYou said:

   : she said she "only wanted to get to know me better, and if something comes out of that, great", 

How far apart were you and how often did you see each other? 

It seems you gave it enough time, but if this is a distance situation with few visits keep in mind not to take it personally because many people simply want local regular dating because of the complications of distance situations.

[IsItReallyYou]

2 hours ago, salparadise said:

 

Of course she would've. There was nothing there for you in the first place. She was willing to let you spin your wheels indefinitely, but she was only going to soak up attention, never giving anything. IOW, a time waster extraordinaire. See the bolded part of the top quote –– that pretty much says everything. You need to expect more. You deserve to get needs met as much as they do.

In general, to what extent should I communicate my needs before ending it? With this girl I kind of touched on it during my visit over our last dinner but perhaps I wasn't clear. I assume I was right to drop it rather than try and be clear again?

[IsItReallyYou]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

How far apart were you and how often did you see each other? 

It seems you gave it enough time, but if this is a distance situation with few visits keep in mind not to take it personally because many people simply want local regular dating because of the complications of distance situations.

Only saw each other twice, the first time being when I met her and the second time months later for a date. We had calls in between and the communication was good in that period. She knew I asked her on a date so there was no ambiguity there. I assumed when she said yes that she acknowledged the distance complication and was ready to explore this in spite of it, but apparently not. I figured eventually that because she wasn't showing enough interest but also not cutting it off, she would pursue local dating primarily and just keep me on the backburner.

[ShyViolet]

You absolutely did the right thing in ending it.  It shouldn't be like pulling teeth to date someone.  She was clearly not that interested in you, which showed in the way her communication became increasingly cold and distant.

And I'm sorry but, you lived in different cities and only met up in person ONCE?  I wouldn't even call this a relationship.  Next time please don't waste your time with a long-distance thing like this.... dating is an in-person activity.  Meet people who are local to you, so that you don't find yourself in a massively time-wasting situation like this again.

[Beachead]

@IsItReallyYou

Quote

"can't call today, maybe another day?  ..tried to nail down a time to call, but no response.

What a crappy response.  

You did the right thing.

My money is on the possibility, she thought she could relegate you to the back while shopping around for new guys to date and eventually would have broken it off with you, once she found someone.  

If you need a reason why she acted this way, then it was likely the lack of physical connection due to distance and the lack of relationship goals.  Seemed like the relationship was just floating around, going nowhere.  Talking this way, only works in a temporary capacity.  Eventually topics dry up and it starts to feel forced or like an obligation.   It would be better to date someone you can see more often if you're able to find that. You want to get to know the person in real life via dates and in an everyday life capacity.  Build a relationship through shared experiences and physical connection, not IM/texts heavy relationships or these LDR's that prevent that.   Don't settle for it.

- Feather

Edited December 24, 2022 by MisterFeather

[salparadise]

13 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

dating is an in-person activity.  Meet people who are local to you, so that you don't find yourself in a massively time-wasting situation like this again.

It wasn't only the distance; this woman just didn't want to let him in, but pretended that they had something in another sense. She was unavailable. High walls were a personality feature. It just happens that long-distance suits people like this because logistics reenforce distance naturally. But local people do it too because high walls and unavailability are people traits, and extremely common. So OP, learn to spot this type of personality in locals as well. It's more difficult for men because the usual paradigm has us being the pursuer-initiator, while the woman takes her good ole time deciding whether to let us (or which one of us) inside the hoola hoop. If after a reasonable time she won't turn towards you, metaphorically speaking, then you need to bring it to a head by initiating something that obliterates the boundary (like a romantic weekend away). If she redoubles the effort to keep you around, but at a distance, then it's time to quit and move on. You really do not want to end up with a cold, hard partner or you'll be accepting this struggle as your life's primary challenge. Choose a warm, engaging, accepting type of person (same advice for either gender).

Edited December 25, 2022 by salparadise

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, IsItReallyYou said:

 she would pursue local dating primarily and just keep me on the backburner.

Ok. One long distance date wasn't really that sustainable. It seems like she didn't want to hurt your feelings so just let things fade out.

Since there was no relationship she may have felt that a breakup talk was overkill compared to simply moving on.

It was a good call to cut your losses. There was no obligation to each other so it's best for you to free yourself to date local women you can see on a regular basis.

[glows]

17 hours ago, IsItReallyYou said:

In general, to what extent should I communicate my needs before ending it? With this girl I kind of touched on it during my visit over our last dinner but perhaps I wasn't clear. I assume I was right to drop it rather than try and be clear again?

You already tried after you had sensed a coolness in her communication. She was having med school exams and by the time she responded she was telling you she was busy or not wanting to talk with you. Most people would let it drop, yes. 

No one here can tell you what she’s thinking or WHY she is no longer interested. My guess is something rubbed her the wrong way in the weeks here, bolded below.

 

21 hours ago, IsItReallyYou said:

In the weeks following, the communication had okay warmth and enthusiasm (we called over the phone once a week on two occasions) but that quickly dropped off a couple of weeks in. Her texts became a lot more cold and dry, with her not responding to my attempts at playfulness/banter. I would get left on read more via Snap, and then see her post on her IG story. In her defense, it was med school finals week for her, but I knew she had time because of her posting a lot, sending a lot of snaps that I knew were meant for multiple people but not directly responding to me, and overall my noticing over my visit that she was always checking and responding to her phone. Even with the phone calls we had, it was always impromptu on her schedule and always while she was doing something else (way different from the intentional FaceTimes we had before). From a little after the time we started talking, I always had this underlying feeling that she wasn't fully invested in this, and it dawned on me that perhaps she was just putting me on the backburner; as in, she would have told me that she doesn't want to pursue a relationship right now, but didn't because she enjoys the validation too much. This theory seemed to explain well a lot of the distance I had felt from her then and in the past, better than my old theory that she was just busy and trying to get to know me better slowly.

I wanted to talk to her to see where she was at and make it clearer what we were both looking for, but twice over the course of a week I got hit with the "can't call today, maybe another day?" - declining without proposing a time that worked for her, which is the tell-tale sign of "not interested". I tried to nail down a time to call, but no response.

It may be about validation or it may not be anything to do with validation. My thoughts are she didn’t think you were as compatible as she had thought and the mutual friends makes it tricky. Not wanting to drag things out during exams is another possible factor. In a hot minute she realized you both have radically different priorities. 

Later on she lost interest to the point of her not wanting to speak with you. I wouldn’t pay much attention to her wishing you’d said something. If it was meant honestly she wasn’t paying attention to this like you are and again, difference in priorities. If she is manipulative or gaslighting you, then all the more reason not to have anything to do with her. 

Keep in mind she has to be careful what she says to you as any reasons for her disinterest may be misconstrued and related back to mutual friends. You don’t know one another every well and I suspect she doesn’t trust you either for good reason if she suspects your character or just doesn’t feel good around you. That may be hard to stomach but a possibility. 

 

Edited December 25, 2022 by glows