Back again after many years…unfortunately

[vwbeetle]

I find myself back here and I never wanted to be back again; but here I am. I last posted around 2011 when my then husband had an affair/relationship with one of my friends. Well, it happened again. The first affair, I tried to heal our marriage… in that first year after that affair he wasn’t emotionally invested in it but we went through the motions anyway. I wasn’t allowed to bring up the affair or to talk about it, because I think he was still mourning the loss of the relationship, so i bottled it up and swallowed my sorrow. We continued on for a few years, and his ambition for his career sacrificed time with us and our child. It took a toll. I tried to do everything for him, never denied him physically, supported him through his promotions, etc…Fast forward 7 years, and my husband fell for a very young co worker and they pursued each other from the very beginning. She was newly divorced with a couple of young kids in tow, and ready to jump onto anything that moved at that point, and he fell for her hard. 
They created a relationship for the next year (clueless me, but not really… he treated me like complete and utter poo poo and denied anything was wrong ,) and then I got informed that he was having an affair and he loves her. Ok, great, cue my emotional destruction. He left us and moved in with her immediately . After many, many, MANY break ups and verbal fights, etc on their end and him telling me he wanted to come back, but he never wanted to break off his relationship with her.. I found him at her house after he and I tried reconciling - (he came back and left us three times before this,) a big argument ensued and I filed for divorce. He told me he made his choice so I wanted to gift him his freedom. Anyway, I’m having a really hard time moving on from my marriage- as much as he hurt me emotionally , and took everything from me financially , I will always love him. (Because I’m stupid.)I found out they bought  a big house recently; My dream home, essentially. He willingly gave to her. I live in a home that isn’t mine yet, is falling apart, and I have no financial means to make repairs. I’m educated with three degrees but my job doesn’t pay that well. My child is away at college so all of the expenses of that falls solely on me . He has never contributed any money to her education or has ever offered. Their relationship is non-existent because his girlfriend thought he spent too much of his time with our child, so to keep her happy, he stopped coming around to see her. He doesn’t ask about her and I really don’t have contact with him anymore. 
He used to confuse me and play head games with me telling me that he regrets what he did and he still loves me, and he doesn’t really love her, and that he wanted to come back to his family many times. But I know all of that isn’t true at all… so why would he tell me these things?  It keeps me in an unhealthy place mentally, and all I want is to be happy again and to have someone to love and to care for , and for someone to do the same for me. I held up my end of the bargain in this marriage, and I loved him unconditionally and forgave time and time again, and I was actually prepared to forgive this long term affair/relationship if he was certain he could cut all contact with her- I was ready to do the work to save our marriage. I’m just trying to figure out how to move on and heal, but it’s difficult when I see them together locally or her with her kids, or him in places driving around the area.I avoid most places , hide when I see them, have a hard time breathing when I see their cars, and every other panic response you can think of. I forgot to mention that we were supposed to celebrate our 25th anniversary this past year….<sigh>. 
I know he’s happy despite what he tells me (his version of the truth,) and I need Help or suggestions coping and accepting. I lose sleep and look at photos, trying to comfort myself with memories. 
Friends tell me he moved on a long time ago, and I think their buying a home together gave me the closure I needed. But is it ok to mourn my present and future that I thought was supposed to be mine and my child and not hers? Friends make me feel bad for being sad about all of this. Advice?
I sincerely apologize for the length of this; so much for trying to be succinct :)

Please be kind; I beat myself up a lot concerning this. Thank you. 

 

[FMW]

22 minutes ago, vwbeetle said:

But is it ok to mourn my present and future that I thought was supposed to be mine and my child and not hers? Friends make me feel bad for being sad about all of this.

Of course it's ok, and normal, to mourn what you tried so hard to have with him. You need to mourn the loss, accepting that it's over and done with.  Doing that is the only way you can eventually move forward.  

I wanted my divorce, and it still made me sad.  Still does sometimes.  The problem is not that you feel sad, but that you haven't been able to really close the door on him.  

Your friends probably just want you to see that you are well rid of him and to be ready to put him behind you.  

[vwbeetle]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

Of course it's ok, and normal, to mourn what you tried so hard to have with him. You need to mourn the loss, accepting that it's over and done with.  Doing that is the only way you can eventually move forward.  

I wanted my divorce, and it still made me sad.  Still does sometimes.  The problem is not that you feel sad, but that you haven't been able to really close the door on him.  

Your friends probably just want you to see that you are well rid of him and to be ready to put him behind you.  

FMW, 

Thank you so much for this; I did try so hard to make the marriage work- especially after the first affair. But, it doesn’t work if only half of the partnership is invested in saving it. You are right about not being able to have closure for so long, and now that I have it, I think I can begin healing. He was my first love (college sweethearts,) and I’m afraid of not finding someone and being alone for the rest of my life because I loved him so much and with everything I had. I was so young and dumb to believe that a lifelong love existed for us.. he found his forever and I’m all alone. 
I smile at the past and am grateful we created an amazing daughter - I’m just so sad that he’s so angry at her for being angry at him, so he cut her out of his life to concentrate on her kids, and providing them with a comfortable life that I was never able to enjoy because we were so busy living paycheck to paycheck all those years. His successes have afforded them an amazing financial life and she knew that going into the affair. She’s not stupid by any means, and knew to aim for the fruit at the top of the tree; despite him being married with a family. 
I think you can tell from this reply that I have a lot of pain and hurt from their decisions. I just wish I could heal my child with a magic wand and let her have the daddy she had when she was little. He doesn’t want that role anymore, and it’s hard for me to accept.

I’m so sorry about your divorce and the sadness that you carry with it- it’s like a death. Except the person is still around living their best life in front of you , and you miss them from afar and wish to be a part of it all again. 
My friends tell me my problem is that I never got angry at him but I don’t know how to. Sounds dumb, but the overwhelming sadness trumps any anger. I don’t know what getting angry would do anyway- it’ll never turn back time and erase her from his path. 
I have over twenty years of marriage to mourn and I’m afraid I won’t ever be happy again. I’m trying. 
 

[glows]

The most important part is that you are accepting this marriage doesn’t work. How long ago did he move out and how long have you been divorced? 

Anger usually comes back and does more damage than healing. It’s not anger but acceptance that is needed realizing that this is over. 

There’s a strong shift in the event of a divorce where a person realizes the reasons they may have existed are no longer in place. He is not your sole focus anymore. You and your daughter are.

Are you able to go back to school or take night courses and upgrade your skills building on your existing degrees or education? Start working on your financial stability. You don’t need a husband at the top of a fruit tree. You become the tree. Find your passions and go pursue them.  

[vwbeetle]

4 hours ago, glows said:

The most important part is that you are accepting this marriage doesn’t work. How long ago did he move out and how long have you been divorced? 

Anger usually comes back and does more damage than healing. It’s not anger but acceptance that is needed realizing that this is over. 

There’s a strong shift in the event of a divorce where a person realizes the reasons they may have existed are no longer in place. He is not your sole focus anymore. You and your daughter are.

Are you able to go back to school or take night courses and upgrade your skills building on your existing degrees or education? Start working on your financial stability. You don’t need a husband at the top of a fruit tree. You become the tree. Find your passions and go pursue them.  

Hi glows, thank you for your insight and advice.. reading it made me cry….

I am accepting that it’s over, I think I’m just so envious that he started his life one day after leaving us. And he’s so happy and gives her all the things he said were too expensive for us to buy. 
I filed for divorce in 2020, and due to backups in the courts, the final paperwork hasn’t been signed yet. So, technically, still legally married. He’s been gone since 2019, so you can see that I’ve been suffering on my own for quite some time. When he left, he left me with all the bills, etc and nothing was in my name so it was a nightmare. He didn’t start paying child support until 2021, so I had no money coming from him for two years - except for the occasional 1-200$ he would give me sporadically. He was living with her off and on, and he got his own apartment that was supposed to be a chance for him to be alone and really decide what / who he wanted.

It is a big shift in roles for me, because I always took care of him, cooked, cleaned, ironed his clothes, etc., because that’s the way I expressed to him I loved him. I worked full time and took care of our child because he worked night shifts, so our lives were very opposite. I took it all on. But that was part of my joy. When he left, it left a big void and of course I put all my energies into my child, who excelled academically in high school and graduated at the top of her class and is now thriving in college. 
Part of my purpose in life was gone, and that was to care for my spouse… he was a part of my identity because of who he is and what he does for a living. 
Im successful in my career as well, but even with a masters degree, I don’t get paid enough for what I do, and I barely have enough at the end of each month to even have 200$ left to put into savings or pay off the credit card debt I have from when he left. Going from two incomes to one small income was very financially devastating- I’m trying to get help for that now, but on top of working a full time job I’ve had to get a part time job waiting tables . 
The comment that you made about being the tree is what made me cry- it made an impact and I’m trying to be the tree… I just don’t know how to mourn the loss of the marriage properly or how to get a better feeling of acceptance. Maybe someone slapping me and telling me “he’s moved on and he started a new life without you.” Or, maybe I need for him to tell me…he has never said that to me, I just realized that. 
I did join a divorce support group at a local church but it eventually ended and I was abandoned again. I was seeing a therapist and he moved, so I got left again, but I couldn’t afford it anymore anyway, and I exhausted the free sessions offered by my employer. So I pray a lot, keep myself busy with work, and purge items from my house that doesn’t give me joy. 
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me- I really do appreciate it so much. 

[stillafool]

You are allowed to grieve at your own pace.  You've been through a lot and I'm sorry for what your ex has done to you and your daughter.  Social media can be the devil when you're trying to get over someone.  You know it's unhealthy to look at what they're up to; but because it's there you look anyway which keeps you in pain and won't let you move forward.  If you can try to reframe from looking at them and stop talking to him.  There's no reason to anymore. Talking to him will keep you stuck.  You need to stop hiding and get out of the house and live your life.  You haven't done anything wrong so don't hide.  Get together with your friends, volunteer your time, attend church and meet new people.  You will be surprised how quickly your life will start coming together.  Have you been to therapy?  You have a good education so perhaps you can find a higher paying job.

Edited December 24, 2022 by stillafool

[glows]

1 hour ago, vwbeetle said:

Hi glows, thank you for your insight and advice.. reading it made me cry….

I am accepting that it’s over, I think I’m just so envious that he started his life one day after leaving us. And he’s so happy and gives her all the things he said were too expensive for us to buy. 
I filed for divorce in 2020, and due to backups in the courts, the final paperwork hasn’t been signed yet. So, technically, still legally married. He’s been gone since 2019, so you can see that I’ve been suffering on my own for quite some time. When he left, he left me with all the bills, etc and nothing was in my name so it was a nightmare. He didn’t start paying child support until 2021, so I had no money coming from him for two years - except for the occasional 1-200$ he would give me sporadically. He was living with her off and on, and he got his own apartment that was supposed to be a chance for him to be alone and really decide what / who he wanted.

It is a big shift in roles for me, because I always took care of him, cooked, cleaned, ironed his clothes, etc., because that’s the way I expressed to him I loved him. I worked full time and took care of our child because he worked night shifts, so our lives were very opposite. I took it all on. But that was part of my joy. When he left, it left a big void and of course I put all my energies into my child, who excelled academically in high school and graduated at the top of her class and is now thriving in college. 
Part of my purpose in life was gone, and that was to care for my spouse… he was a part of my identity because of who he is and what he does for a living. 
Im successful in my career as well, but even with a masters degree, I don’t get paid enough for what I do, and I barely have enough at the end of each month to even have 200$ left to put into savings or pay off the credit card debt I have from when he left. Going from two incomes to one small income was very financially devastating- I’m trying to get help for that now, but on top of working a full time job I’ve had to get a part time job waiting tables . 
The comment that you made about being the tree is what made me cry- it made an impact and I’m trying to be the tree… I just don’t know how to mourn the loss of the marriage properly or how to get a better feeling of acceptance. Maybe someone slapping me and telling me “he’s moved on and he started a new life without you.” Or, maybe I need for him to tell me…he has never said that to me, I just realized that. 
I did join a divorce support group at a local church but it eventually ended and I was abandoned again. I was seeing a therapist and he moved, so I got left again, but I couldn’t afford it anymore anyway, and I exhausted the free sessions offered by my employer. So I pray a lot, keep myself busy with work, and purge items from my house that doesn’t give me joy. 
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me- I really do appreciate it so much. 

I relate to a lot of this but it’s also time to let go. The ongoing divorce was a pain to go through. I remember the waiting period as well. You can check your file number in the court registry yourself or call them for an update if you didn’t go through a lawyer. Talk to your lawyer and see what they say.

I’d find a way to downsize or minimize your costs of living, save and start making a plan. Maybe you’re focusing too much on one part of your career field and there are other opportunities or lateral moves that may not seem related at first but springboard you into other roles. It’s extremely frustrating constantly feeling like you don’t have enough money to pay for things you need. I worked three jobs at one point and also struggled to make ends meet. Look after your mental health too. Too many fall into depression like this. Keep talking and approaching people if you’re curious about learning something new. Don’t give up. If something hasn’t been working for awhile, change.

 

Edited December 24, 2022 by glows

[vwbeetle]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

You are allowed to grieve at your own pace.  You've been through a lot and I'm sorry for what your ex has done to you and your daughter.  Social media can be the devil when you're trying to get over someone.  You know it's unhealthy to look at what they're up to; but because it's there you look anyway which keeps you in pain and won't let you move forward.  If you can try to reframe from looking at them and stop talking to him.  There's no reason to anymore. Talking to him will keep you stuck.  You need to stop hiding and get out of the house and live your life.  You haven't done anything wrong so don't hide.  Get together with your friends, volunteer your time, attend church and meet new people.  You will be surprised how quickly your life will start coming together.  Have you been to therapy?  You have a good education so perhaps you can find a higher paying job.

Hi stillafool,

Thank you so much; I’ve felt so much grief and sadness, and knowing he’s happiest is what make it even worse. Luckily , I don’t have any social media at all-  after his first affair, I took myself off of everything completely and never looked back. Even when we were married , I never knew what his username for FB was because he used it to communicate with his AP. 
I do agree and think the sporadic communication we have/had is hurting me and keeping me stuck. How do people do this? This grief and pain is so different from when I lost my mom to cancer; still deep and it never goes away, but I know that she’s gone and can’t comeback. I wish that she was around right now because I really need her. 
I can’t stop hiding … I have a lot of anxiety now being in public , for fear that I’ll see him, them again and again. It’s like a soul punch each time and it starts me back at square one in my healing. 
I stopped going to church because I would just cry when I stepped into one, and people began to avoid me. I would pray silently or listen to the message, and I would feel all the emotions and sadness. So I sat alone in the back row and no one spoke to me after services. Plus, my church is around the corner from where they live , and I can’t bring myself to be within two streets of where they live. 
Ill take your advice and see if I can volunteer somewhere, but with the 50-60 hour weeks I work and my weekends filled with waiting tables (so glad my masters degree qualifies me for that lol) I barely have time to sleep- which averages 3-4 hours a night. I’m a hot mess. 
Getting a higher paying job is probably the best thing and I’m thinking of hiring someone to help me find a job and help write a new CV. But I can’t leave my current position because I’m under contract and I have to see it through. 
I used to go to therapy but I can’t afford it anymore. After the discovery of the current affair, My ex promised that he would pay for it because he caused my pain, but told the therapist he didn’t want to anymore (after one payment ) , so that was that. 
I hope things get better - that’s really the only thing keeping me optimistic.. I’m at rock bottom and there’s no where to go buy up, right? 
I always wondered if karma is real , if what goes around really comes around , or is that just something people say to others to give them hope. I don’t think I’ve ever seen karma actually affect anyone. 
I don’t know, but like you told me, I have to stop being stuck and stop being informed of their lives. Because it isn’t mine to want. 
Thank you (hugs) 

[vwbeetle]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I relate to a lot of this but it’s also time to let go. The ongoing divorce was a pain to go through. I remember the waiting period as well. You can check your file number in the court registry yourself or call them for an update if you didn’t go through a lawyer. Talk to your lawyer and see what they say.

I’d find a way to downsize or minimize your costs of living, save and start making a plan. Maybe you’re focusing too much on one part of your career field and there are other opportunities or lateral moves that may not seem related at first but springboard you into other roles. It’s extremely frustrating constantly feeling like you don’t have enough money to pay for things you need. I worked three jobs at one point and also struggled to make ends meet. Look after your mental health too. Too many fall into depression like this. Keep talking and approaching people if you’re curious about learning something new. Don’t give up. If something hasn’t been working for awhile, change.

 

I know you’re right; it is time for me to let go but the problem is, I don’t know how to. My daughter has seen me cry on several occasions and I hate doing that to her because she worries about me, and I don’t want to put that on her. I just tell her it’s because I loved her father very much and I’m just grieving. 
I hate this waiting period and I won’t get complete closure until those papers are signed, I think. I keep checking but there’s no movement in my paperwork. I’m also planning on going back to my maiden name so maybe that will help me move on. I’ve gone by my married name longer than I had my maiden name … a new name is a new identity and I don’t know who I need to be. Everyone recognizes  me and him by our last names so severing that tie— that’s severing a part of who I am professionally and personally. It’s going to be a long journey and I fear being too old to start over. 
I’ve pared down everything I can financially, but I’m putting my daughter through college and I’m thinking of selling my car to help with costs, and use my dads old car in the meantime. 
I don’t do Starbucks or eating out- in fact I meal prep so my lunches and breakfasts I take to work cost me less than 10$ a week. 
I’m trying really hard to save, but emergency expenses came up (the joys of having a house), and wiped me out of those savings. 
If I have 200$ at the end of the month, I’m grateful. 
I think you’re right and I need to look outside of my current field and find something else that provides more for me so I don’t have to struggle month to month. I’ve been looking but I may need to enlist some outside help. 
How are you healing from your divorce? 

[glows]

Why can’t you downsize to an apartment if it’s just your daughter and you or just you seeing as your daughter is going to college? 

There are bursaries and scholarships she should also be applying for. She can also look into working part time. You have to learn to stop taking on more than you can handle. You did that with your ex making life way too easy for him. 

I moved on from the divorce before the final papers came in. The marriage slowed me down. The divorce ended up boosting everything else I had been working on and was exactly what I needed. Much happier now.

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

I moved on from the divorce before the final papers came in. The marriage slowed me down.

So did I.  Once the divorce papers were filed I pretty much considered it done and we both moved on.  Don't let waiting on a piece of paper hold you back because you are divorced the paperwork is just still moving through the system.

[vwbeetle]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Why can’t you downsize to an apartment if it’s just your daughter and you or just you seeing as your daughter is going to college? 

There are bursaries and scholarships she should also be applying for. She can also look into working part time. You have to learn to stop taking on more than you can handle. You did that with your ex making life way too easy for him. 

I moved on from the divorce before the final papers came in. The marriage slowed me down. The divorce ended up boosting everything else I had been working on and was exactly what I needed. Much happier now.

I did think of that as well but Moving into an apartment would be twice as expensive as what I’m paying now for my mortgage.. apartments in my area are astronomically high. My house expenses were emergency repairs that were unexpected but necessary for me to continue living in it. If I didn’t have this house, I wouldn’t be able to live on my own.. so I’m thankful I have a house …not as nice as the one he has with her, but maybe one day I will. 
My daughter has some scholarships and with her full course load I don’t want her to stress about money- I feel like that’s my job and I want her to concentrate on her studies . This is my burden, and I have to carry it all. I know I should stop but I don’t want my child to suffer any more hardships than she already has.. 

I did a lot for my ex because I loved him so much; I thought that was what I was supposed to do as a wife and mom … I never asked for anything because I didn’t know any better. And he never did anything for me above and beyond the bare minimum. He always told me I was a great wife and that none of this was my fault- but they can’t be true right? If I did it all right then why did he leave… he’s never answers that either , other than he said he was being selfish. 
I’m so happy to hear that you moved on when you filed.. how did you get there? I always felt like I made a mistake and I should have taken him back even after years of cheating, but I know that’s irrational. He never would have stayed at home anyway. 
You said your divorce boosted what you were already working on and you’re happier now. I need to get to where you are, for sure. 
I think I’m also having a difficult time because I went from having a family to being all alone. 
I will make efforts to meet new people… soon. It’ll take me a hot second to get that courage up. 
I’m glad to hear that there is happiness at the end of all of this 🙂

[glows]

One thing that stood out to be in your prior post is about the finalizing of the divorce possibly being the closure you’re looking for. I didn’t know it at the time but it was the case for me. Everyone is different. When I was separating I was devastated and it nearly broke me. I didn’t set out to be happy. I just tried to get through each day.

Whatever you decide or choose for yourself do it with purpose. If you’re still able to maintain the roof over your head and put food on the table you’re not doing too bad. Take it one day at a time and shut the door on this relationship. He has shown you what he wants and what he thinks. It’s time for you to do something else with your life.

[Will am I]

@vwbeetleIt seems to me that you may have crossed your own boundaries when you gave him chance after chance.

From your writings here it reads like you blame yourself. Forgiving and accepting yourself could be very wholesome choices.

[vwbeetle]

12 hours ago, stillafool said:

So did I.  Once the divorce papers were filed I pretty much considered it done and we both moved on.  Don't let waiting on a piece of paper hold you back because you are divorced the paperwork is just still moving through the system.

You’re right; I need to think of myself as being divorced and not just in the pending mode. I need to get to your level of acceptance and freedom/ happiness…
I just wish he valued our marriage as much as I did. I have to start believing he didn’t really love me and that’s why it was so easy for him to move on so quickly. 

Holidays are the worst - sometimes the happy memories cause the most pain . 

[vwbeetle]

3 hours ago, Will am I said:

@vwbeetleIt seems to me that you may have crossed your own boundaries when you gave him chance after chance.

From your writings here it reads like you blame yourself. Forgiving and accepting yourself could be very wholesome choices.

I did cross my own boundaries many times. When we were trying to reconcile or just talk to each other, it would usually end up with both of us in compromising situations and I had to stop several times because I didn’t want to cause him to cheat on his girlfriend … sounds weird, but I didn’t want to make him “ that” man in their relationship, or more importantly, make myself “ that” woman. 

I regret stopping myself because sometimes I think I could have saved it all, but then I think he would have  just been using me for sex outside of his new relationship. 
I don’t know how to forgive myself. Maybe it’s because he’s never given me any solid reasons why he wanted her so badly . He has told me time and time again that I never did anything to cause this, and that we had a good marriage before he decided to pursue it. But I don’t believe that either …happy content  people don’t just cheat on their spouses , right? 

[vwbeetle]

7 hours ago, glows said:

One thing that stood out to be in your prior post is about the finalizing of the divorce possibly being the closure you’re looking for. I didn’t know it at the time but it was the case for me. Everyone is different. When I was separating I was devastated and it nearly broke me. I didn’t set out to be happy. I just tried to get through each day.

Whatever you decide or choose for yourself do it with purpose. If you’re still able to maintain the roof over your head and put food on the table you’re not doing too bad. Take it one day at a time and shut the door on this relationship. He has shown you what he wants and what he thinks. It’s time for you to do something else with your life.

I totally relate to this; this whole waiting period is like purgatory for me. I’m trying to talk myself into believing that once the papers are in my hands and I no longer have his name , then I’ll be done. It’s just very scary to do it all alone and start over after being a partner for so many years. That’s one advantage he has, because he has someone to support and love him through this whole divorce process. I think it makes a world of difference. He always had someone in his arms at the end of the day. 
And I agree, he has shown me what he wants and thinks , and I have to start processing that. 
 

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, vwbeetle said:

 …happy content  people don’t just cheat on their spouses , right? 

Unfortunately that happens all the time. Cheating is a matter of "and" not "or".  It's a matter of self-serving needs. In this case the GF may have threatened to end things.

Don't blame yourself for this. Just follow through with the legal process and perhaps seek the support and guidance from a therapist for help adjusting to everything.

In the long run you may look back and enjoy your freedom from the headaches and heartaches he caused, even though they're familiar to you.

[glows]

2 hours ago, vwbeetle said:

That’s one advantage he has, because he has someone to support and love him through this whole divorce process. I think it makes a world of difference.
 

Slow down here. You don’t know what problems or trials he faces in his so called relationship. It may be a nightmare for all you know. It’s human nature to look over and compare ourselves to others but stop doing this. It’s holding you back from focusing on you.

[Will am I]

3 hours ago, vwbeetle said:

because I didn’t want to cause him to cheat on his girlfriend … sounds weird

You never caused him to cheat, that’s on him.

Your story seems to be a long chain of shiftng boundaries. He got caught up in this vortex of infidelity, remained unwilling to break loose from that for a long time, and in an effort to save what could be saved you got caught up in the dance.

When you (the betrayed wife) write about not wanting to cause him (your unfaithful husband) to cheat on her (the other woman), then I would say things were pretty messed up. I mean, you were always the legitimate partner.

Do not blame yourself for it. You got pulled into a crazy situation but you never wanted that and you never started that.

But you did choose to get a divorce after all, which will probably involve a lot of pain but also mark the return of sanity to your situation. And now the next chapter of your story will be about you reinventing yourself and establishing a new life for yourself. 

 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, vwbeetle said:

That’s one advantage he has, because he has someone to support and love him through this whole divorce process. I think it makes a world of difference. He always had someone in his arms at the end of the day. 
And I agree, he has shown me what he wants and thinks , and I have to start processing that. 
 

You do have your daughter and I'm sure other family to support you through this divorce.  Some use a friend group.  Most people going through divorce do not already have another partner in the wings waiting either.  My friends were a big help for me.

[BrinnM]

I am so proud of you for initiating this divorce. If you hadn’t done this, you wouldn’t be any happier a few months or years down the road, believe me, because, yes, he might have (again!) “come back”, but at what cost? And for how long? You say you posted here 11 years ago, and it was about pretty much the same exact issue. His infidelity. It made you unhappy 11 years ago, and it’s still an ongoing source of your worries and unhappiness. So again: I am proud of you. You put a stop to it. You made a decision, and you’re following through! And in all of this, I am 1000% sure that you have total support from your daughter, you have her respect, and she loves you. This mother-daughter-relationship is priceless, and it is another thing to be proud of!

I agree with your perception of karma, though, I can relate. Many people believe in it, but when we’re in the thick of it, we often don’t experience this “what goes around comes around” thingy, no, we see the mean guys and the perpetrators and the [mean] girls get away with murder. And we see that they live happily ever after. 
But do they? 

First of all, your ex moved in with a woman who has two children that are considerably younger than his own daughter, so he is not only not used to this anymore, but also he is just “mom’s boyfriend”. These kids will be teenagers, they have a biological father who is and will be around, there will be conflicts and arguments where his GF will have to take sides (and she’ll be on her kids’ side on many if not all occasions), etc.etc. Knowing your ex, do you think he’ll be happy there long-term? Or will he look elsewhere soon for some distraction? “Because it’s so difficult to live with them.”

Or will he hit on you again, like he did before, while he was already with the new woman? It’s very likely. 

Second, this guy is a philanderer, and I’m sure he’ll find fault with his new woman sooner rather than later, in order to have an excuse for yet another fling. It’s just his pattern. And if he keeps spending at this pace, they’ll probably run out of money at some point, and that’s going to be another source of conflict. If he’s supporting her and her offspring, he’ll notice in his bank account at some point that his money doesn’t last as long as it used to. And she won’t be happy if he tells her that some budget cuts would be in order! 

In the meantime, you enjoy your healthy relationship with your very smart and successful daughter who will grow up to be even smarter and more successful, and he will have very limited access to her. He’ll regret that later, too, for sure. 
You will be fine! He will feel guilty and stupid.

You have so much to be proud of.
Yes - the money situation sucks and being alone in a house that needs a lot of repairs can be daunting especially if you’re not very handy. And it’s expensive if you have to pay for contractors all the time, even for little things. 
Which makes me think - Isn’t your husband still partly responsible for home repairs? You’re not divorced yet after all and aside from apparently no spousal support having been awarded/negotiated (right?), at least as long as he’s still on the title, he will be responsible for stuff to be fixed, no? He should chime in!

Also - you might be entitled to back child support if he didn’t pay for a few months/years while she was still in highschool/living with you (But without a divorce decree, or an official child support order/agreement, which you may not have had back then, that’ll be difficult, I understand that) …… 

But all in all - bravo and kudos! You’re doing great. Just keep on keeping on. One step at a time. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
(And money kind of always works itself out. You have a good education, plus, side gigs seem to be everywhere these days.)

Edited December 27, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
offensive term

[vwbeetle]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately that happens all the time. Cheating is a matter of "and" not "or".  It's a matter of self-serving needs. In this case the GF may have threatened to end things.

Don't blame yourself for this. Just follow through with the legal process and perhaps seek the support and guidance from a therapist for help adjusting to everything.

In the long run you may look back and enjoy your freedom from the headaches and heartaches he caused, even though they're familiar to you.

Thank you so much; I can’t wait to leave this all behind . I need to stop looking in the rear view mirror and just follow straight ahead. 
Im trying not to blame myself, but it’s so hard to stop. My friends tell me that I did more than enough to try to save the marriage and he always had one foot out the door. I never understood the “kick them to the curb” mentality, and always admired those that could. 
One of my resolutions is self care for 2023 and trying to find some professional help.

[vwbeetle]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately that happens all the time. Cheating is a matter of "and" not "or".  It's a matter of self-serving needs. In this case the GF may have threatened to end things.

Don't blame yourself for this. Just follow through with the legal process and perhaps seek the support and guidance from a therapist for help adjusting to everything.

In the long run you may look back and enjoy your freedom from the headaches and heartaches he caused, even though they're familiar to you.

I believe that you are right. He has said to me on occasion that she gave ultimatums and they had a very on again off again relationship … some fights got to the point where he’s moved out from her and went back many times. But I think they both thrive on the intensity of the relationship , and I think now she’s afraid of losing him so she’s very complacent and calmer now. 
I’m hoping my heart and my head heals.. everyone here has been so helpful and I’m one step closer to being happy. 

[vwbeetle]

6 hours ago, glows said:

Slow down here. You don’t know what problems or trials he faces in his so called relationship. It may be a nightmare for all you know. It’s human nature to look over and compare ourselves to others but stop doing this. It’s holding you back from focusing on you.

True; I don’t know what type of relationship they have, but I can imagine it’s good and solid now that he’s committed the next 30 years with her by taking on a new house and mortgage. Why would he keep himself stuck in a toxic relationship- I think they’ve worked out their issues and found happiness. 
I do need to stop comparing my life and theirs .. it is holding me back.