Back again after many years…unfortunately

[Acacia98]

On 12/24/2022 at 7:25 AM, vwbeetle said:

He left us and moved in with her immediately . After many, many, MANY break ups and verbal fights, etc on their end and him telling me he wanted to come back, but he never wanted to break off his relationship with her.. I found him at her house after he and I tried reconciling - (he came back and left us three times before this,) a big argument ensued and I filed for divorce. He told me he made his choice so I wanted to gift him his freedom.

(...)

I found out they bought  a big house recently; My dream home, essentially. He willingly gave to her. I live in a home that isn’t mine yet, is falling apart, and I have no financial means to make repairs. I’m educated with three degrees but my job doesn’t pay that well. My child is away at college so all of the expenses of that falls solely on me . He has never contributed any money to her education or has ever offered. Their relationship is non-existent because his girlfriend thought he spent too much of his time with our child, so to keep her happy, he stopped coming around to see her. He doesn’t ask about her and I really don’t have contact with him anymore. 

He used to confuse me and play head games with me telling me that he regrets what he did and he still loves me, and he doesn’t really love her, and that he wanted to come back to his family many times. But I know all of that isn’t true at all… so why would he tell me these things?  It keeps me in an unhealthy place mentally, and all I want is to be happy again and to have someone to love and to care for , and for someone to do the same for me. I 

Based on the quote above, it doesn't sound like they have a healthy relationship. So there's nothing for you to envy. Really. His exit from your life in a humiliating and chaotic manner has hurt you deeply, but I believe that, when you heal, you will start to feel relieved that you're no longer together. Your ex must have held you back from achieving your full potential. You seem to have devoted your entire marriage to doing for him and being for him. He was basically the sun you revolved around. So it's perfectly understandable that you're having difficulty adjusting to being single. It will take time, but if you allow yourself to get to the point where you can start to redefine your life and find new meaning in your own achievements and your own passions, you will regain a sense of completeness and stability.

You know, I understand that people fall out of love. However, a decent person who falls out of love ends the relationship with his significant other in as transparent and respectful a manner as possible. He doesn't have an affair for a long time while still in the first relationship. He doesn't gaslight his significant other. The fact that he did all these things to you tells us that he isn't the greatest catch in the universe. Yes, you may miss him, but you deserve much better. When you choose to date again, you must aspire for more, for better. Surely, you should want to be with someone who is as devoted to you as you are to him? You should want someone who is honest and forthcoming. You should want someone who would value what you shared enough to end things in a way that preserved your dignity if you broke up. And you should want to be with someone who would not discard his own child like yesterday's rubbish. This man is deeply flawed. He may seem happy to you from the outside looking in. But he has made a lot of stupid and unnecessary mistakes for the sake of keeping the new relationship going, and he is going to regret them one day.

The mind games he played with you were all about keeping you in his life as a plan B in case his affair didn't work out. It's that simple. That's what people who use other people do.

On 12/24/2022 at 11:18 AM, vwbeetle said:

I'm just so sad that he’s so angry at her for being angry at him, so he cut her out of his life to concentrate on her kids, and providing them with a comfortable life that I was never able to enjoy because we were so busy living paycheck to paycheck all those years. His successes have afforded them an amazing financial life and she knew that going into the affair. She’s not stupid by any means, and knew to aim for the fruit at the top of the tree; despite him being married with a family. 

Actually, his new partner is not the sharpest tool in the shed. Pushing a man to stop supporting his kid or accepting it when he makes that decision on his own is not an intelligent thing to do. They may not see it now, but they eventually will.

On 12/25/2022 at 12:47 AM, vwbeetle said:

I do agree and think the sporadic communication we have/had is hurting me and keeping me stuck. 

(...)

I stopped going to church because I would just cry when I stepped into one, and people began to avoid me. I would pray silently or listen to the message, and I would feel all the emotions and sadness. So I sat alone in the back row and no one spoke to me after services. Plus, my church is around the corner from where they live , and I can’t bring myself to be within two streets of where they live. 

(...)
I used to go to therapy but I can’t afford it anymore. After the discovery of the current affair, My ex promised that he would pay for it because he caused my pain, but told the therapist he didn’t want to anymore (after one payment ) , so that was that. 
I hope things get better - that’s really the only thing keeping me optimistic.. I’m at rock bottom and there’s no where to go buy up, right? 

(...)
I always wondered if karma is real , if what goes around really comes around , or is that just something people say to others to give them hope.

It is understandable that your communication with him hurts you and sets you back. If it is possible, please eliminate any and all communication with him. Or keep it to the bare minimum: official stuff. You're not going to be able to move on if this guy keeps popping out of the woodwork to let you know about all the "wonderful" things he's doing with the other woman. As sad as it is, the fact that he has removed himself from your daughter's life makes it easier to shut the door on him. If he decides down the road that he wants to rebuild a relationship with your daughter and she's open to that, they can do it without involving you. So do what you can to shut the door completely to communication with him.

On 12/25/2022 at 2:34 PM, vwbeetle said:

I don’t know how to forgive myself. Maybe it’s because he’s never given me any solid reasons why he wanted her so badly . He has told me time and time again that I never did anything to cause this, and that we had a good marriage before he decided to pursue it. But I don’t believe that either …happy content  people don’t just cheat on their spouses , right? 

People cheat on their spouses for all sorts of reasons. Some may actually be happy and content but let their guard down at the wrong time. Some may never have been committed to the idea of monogamy in the first place. Some may be unhappy in their marriages. Some may be unhappy about other aspects of their lives but unable/unwilling to engage in the self-reflection that would help them identify the problem; they may find it easier to blame their spouses for their unhappiness. 

On 12/25/2022 at 11:49 PM, vwbeetle said:

True; I don’t know what type of relationship they have, but I can imagine it’s good and solid now that he’s committed the next 30 years with her by taking on a new house and mortgage. Why would he keep himself stuck in a toxic relationship- I think they’ve worked out their issues and found happiness. 

It doesn't sound good and solid to me. It sounds like an unhealthy relationship that they have complicated by making these financial decisions together. Your ex has a track record of making not-so-wise decisions where you and your daughter are concerned. So this could easily be another unwise decision.

Why would he keep himself stuck in a toxic relationship? Well, as far as I can tell, that's part of his MO. He doesn't seem to have well-developed relationship problem-solving skills. 

On 12/26/2022 at 7:21 AM, vwbeetle said:

Oh, Our relationship wasn’t toxic; the one he had with her was. They had constant fights and break ups and he moved out several times and even stayed with his various work friends when he had no place to go. What’s weird is that we rarely fought and saw eye to eye on many things… our marriage didn’t have arguments until after this affair. 
I wonder if she trusts him completely since the way they got together was questionable. Also I wonder if he trusts her since during some of their breakups, she slept with other men. But he said he was ok with it. I don’t think he will cheat on her because of this huge commitment he just made and he’s almost 15 years older than she is and knows she’s probably his last chance at not being alone.

Yes, you rarely fought, but it sounds like you suppressed your own needs and gave in to him even when his actions were harmful to your relationship. So the toxic aspects of your relationship were hidden but present.

On 12/26/2022 at 3:50 PM, vwbeetle said:

He chose to not communicate often and I wasn’t allowed to bring up things from the past because he said it wasn’t healthy to dwell on the first affair. He said I was obsessed with thinking about that other woman , but how could I not. Again, we tried counseling but when the therapist essentially blamed me because I was not a fighter I was done seeking out help. 

Sounds like your husband didn't like being held accountable by you or by his daughter. It seems he wanted the freedom to do absolutely anything he wanted and expected everyone to just get along with it and not feel or express their perfectly justified anger. Did you ever feel angry or upset about this? Did you ever get tired of living with an adult who was essentially an overgrown baby in this particular sense? Beyond what it did to you, think about what your daughter could have learnt from observing that: that her feelings didn't matter and that that was the way to be in a relationship. So she potentially faces the risk of applying that model to her own relationship(s) as an adult. If she can access affordable or free counselling at university, you should encourage her to take advantage of it. You really need to shift the focus from wondering what your husband and his new partner are doing to examining the toll his actions have taken on your life and your daughter's and seeing what can be done to fix it. You prioritized him at great cost to yourself during your marriage. It's time to prioritize yourself now. 

On 12/26/2022 at 3:56 PM, vwbeetle said:

I had to make choices and the easiest was to just let it go … my attorney asked me if that was something I wanted to do and I just didn’t have it in me to stretch this out any longer than we already had. He and his attorney delayed so much in what was supposed to be a simple divorce (ha), I think now he was stalling for time to hide things from me. Which he already was, but again , I didn’t have the money to hire a financial attorney to do a deep dig into his finances. He hid a lot from me and had accounts I didn’t know of. 

Honestly, in your shoes, I would have done the same thing. I wouldn't want to continue being subjected to the manipulations and the power play. I strongly encourage you to let go in senses other than the financial one by completely shutting the door on this man.

You spent your adult life investing in the family you built with him. And instead of ending things fairly in recognition of that, he hid his assets and lengthened the divorce process to punish you financially and emotionally. I suspect that deep down inside, you may believe you deserved this mistreatment. But you didn't. This is where I point out that, if your ex were a reasonable and remotely respectful man, he would have treated you with greater kindness at the end even if he was no longer in love with you. An emotionally mature man would have respected the fact of what you had shared and the fact that you had a child together.

On 12/26/2022 at 4:14 PM, vwbeetle said:

He wasn’t exactly transparent in his financial history at discovery and he had means to shuffle things around to where I wasn’t able to touch it or claim it. It’s very complex and would have been very expensive for me to try to fight for anything. I discovered that he wasn’t the man I thought I knew. 
Im was already wiped out financially and at the time of filing I had almost nothing- the house wasn’t even in my name. That’s a long story but just chalk it up to lack of knowledge at a young age and being stupid in love. 

(...)
I’m Just very sad and what hurts most is he doesn’t think about what he left behind. Maybe that’s what affects me most, I don’t know. My feelings are all over the place. 
I loved him so much and I still do despite all the pain and suffering he caused and I know it’s stupid and wrong to still have those feelings but it just doesn’t disappear overnight. 25 years is a long time . 

You're waking up to the fact that this is a tremendously selfish man. He has always been selfish. There are indications of that in your descriptions of his past actions. I think you spent most of your marriage looking at him through rose-coloured lenses. It will take a while, but you will eventually get to the point where you see him for who he was, not who you imagined him to be. I'm sure he had positive traits. I'm not saying you should ignore those. I'm saying you should acknowledge his negative traits instead of explaining them away or somehow blaming yourself for them (because there is a hint that that's what you're doing deep down inside).

On 12/26/2022 at 4:30 PM, vwbeetle said:

We did have things we would discuss but we were never the yelling shouting screaming type. It was always just frenzied conversation and most of the time he would just shut down and refuse to talk to me for hours at a time. That’s how he would punish me. 
He was emotionally distant a lot of the time and if you asked most people we were a very odd mix for a couple. He was always perceived to be standoffish, unapproachable, angry looking - and I’m very friendly , open , smiley type person .

Did you ever get tired of this? Did you ever want a partner who was more emotionally grown up?

23 hours ago, vwbeetle said:

Wow- that must have taken a lot to come to that epiphany and leave someone you love. My ex chose someone 15 years his junior, so I wonder if that’s a common thing among MM who are looking for another person? 

I think some men and women have a hard time dealing with the fact that they're aging and facing their mortality. That might explain the investment in starting again with significantly younger partners.

Edited December 28, 2022 by Acacia98

[vwbeetle]

22 hours ago, stillafool said:

No surprise here, he just wants a younger woman.  He will always go for younger women and you can't compete with that nor should you try to.

Are you saying you never filed for child support and made him pay his daughter what she's owed?  This isn't her fault that he decided to stop seeing his daughter and not paying child support.  I hope you've filed for back child support by now, have you?

 

Yes, he was always scared of getting older, and being alone. I think that having a younger AP definitely made him feel younger, and frankly I think he likes the way new relationships feel. 
As far as the child support was concerned, he was always stringing me along, promising to reconcile and he would appease me by “trying.” Which he later admitted that he wasn’t invested in trying and didn’t want to. I think his attorney made great efforts to protect his assets. There’s a lot of complex things that happened for financial compensation and was very difficult to figure out and still is .

[vwbeetle]

15 hours ago, Will am I said:

And it is very flattering. My mistake going into the affair was that I had my heart way too open. In retrospect I say I wasn't actively looking, but I did have my guards down and I wa svery much open to the possibility of something romantic developing. When xOW made a move on me I was shocked but at the same time I did enjoy it an awful lot. My reaction based on the shock should have been "I can't believe you would approach a married man like that". But  when you mix in the open heart and the flattered feeling, it was more like "wow, I can't believe you would look at me like that". 
 

- ****This makes sense .. my ex is/was very obsessed with physical appearances, and that’s why I always made it a point to tell him how handsome and sexy he was all the time. Bad thing is, when he first met his AP, and he told me about this new girl at work, my radar went off immediately .. especially when he told me that the first time she said anything to him, it was “I like to see you in charge of everyone and your Arms are so big and thick, I wonder if your D*** is the same” I told him I didn’t want her around him anymore, and he laughed it off saying she was just joking around. Even the people around him warned him to stay away, that she was trouble and he would ruin everything with his family. Of course he didn’t listen ….

 

15 hours ago, Will am I said:

This part is complex and difficult to respond to. I think it's kind of universal that men want to be desired. I think what that appeals to on a deeper level is a hunger for social status. When women want you, it puts you up higher on the social ladder. The sense of affirmation is a strong driver. There's something profoundly hurtful about the feeling that you're merely tolerated, accepted, but never really desired sexually (the image of an obedient but uninterested wife).

** I understand this as well- but men also have to remember that we want to be complimented and admired too..it is hurtful to just be present in your partners life . When children are still in the home, wives become mothers and husbands forget that they were wives first, and neglect that partnership. My ex wasn’t willing to take me on dates because of the money it costs to go out, or he was tired from work, etc. I asked and begged to go out but it was always a no. I just wasn’t worth it. 

15 hours ago, Will am I said:

So you made a conscious effort to help your ex-husband on that level. Yet he didn't respond. It leaves me to wonder why. I can only guess that by that time his desire for sexual validation had already left the marriage and he was either unwilling or unable to reprogram himself and focus on you again. From personal experience I have to admit that this knd of refocusing does take an ongoing, conscious effort. I feel I'm only able to do that because I have accepted the consequence that it will be either change or divorce. In that sense I needed to step closer to divorce before finding the strength to really make an effort. It may sound paradoxal but the comfort zone of dragging on on the old foot can be a blocker for real progress. 

*****I believe that he was truly unwilling to refocus his attention to me and his daughter. I think he had this idea in his head that everything would work out just fine if he chose to continue his affair. When the first affair happened, she was not a real option because she was married also, and he couldn’t just move in with her like he did with his current AP. This affair was way different, as I believe he fell for her so hard and really truly found what he missed out on the first time around . He could pursue his obsession. 

I would recommend that you don't spend too much of your energy on his affair partners. The affairs caused conflict in your marriage, but that's between you and your husband. Sometimes people tend to get angry with their spouses' lovers but they're no direct party in the conflict.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be angry at the AP’s. I think that people are responsible and aware of their own actions- especially adults. How would the AP feel if their lover was seeing another person romantically behind their back? Is the AP ok with knowing that their man is actively sleeping with his wife on a regular basis? (And lying about it.) Would they not be angry at that person too, especially if they are aware that they are in a relationship with someone else? They are a direct party in the conflict and they made a conscious decision to be a direct part by inserting themselves into a married couples life. Being married is a sacred union, and things should only be between that couple… I know that info about the marriage is shared with the AP, but the wife never gets any info or insight into the AP’s relationship because that’s “none of the wife’s business.” 

15 hours ago, Will am I said:

Of course you'd be curious why a woman in her sound mind would do something like this. 

Essentially two possible answers. Since you don't know OW personally, you won't have the real answer, so pick the one you like most.

Either the OW does not share your moral values and doesn't give an eff about the marriage she wrecks.

Or she's just drawn to him because she's a hurt and troubled person who feels that he could be her saviour.

I think it’s both with this one- I think at the beginning she was feeling guilty about it, but the more she realized how much she could get out of being his new partner the less that guilt played a part. Like I mentioned before, my ex is a “knight in shining armor” type of man, saw a struggling single mother who had some addictions to alcohol and went through a divorce and wanted to save her. Unfortunately, he saved one single mother and made me a struggling single mother — even trade, right? 

15 hours ago, Will am I said:

 

Eventually he will probably regret this, but affairs can cloud a person's judgement like drugs.

I remember when I first came into this forum. By that time I in the affair but I was feeling conflicted about it so I had made the very first step in turning around. It took all my strength to get my thoughts straight and I needed for several people to call me out on my motives. I really feel that my clarity was gone at the time.

He told me in the past that he sincerely regretted hurting me and my daughter , but time and time again when I gave him chances to come back, and my only condition was that he had to cut it off completely with his AP, he couldn’t do it. He told me that he was in a toxic and limerant relationship, and he thrives on the high highs they had and liked the drama and conflict because it made him feel more passionate.. he told me that they broke up more times than he’s told me, and that even her kids said they didn’t like him because he made her cry all the time. What woman would allow that? I feel like their relationship has changed for the better now that she has legal ties with him , and knows not to rock the boat or else she risks losing what she gained from him. 
I’m so glad that you decided to turn yourself around and choose your wife; as difficult as that was, I think your future is better off for it. 

15 hours ago, Will am I said:

 

I think you're right on this. She was not trying to take advantage of me though. Would barely allow me to buy her even a small gift. I think she genuinely felt she needed someone older, more stable, to navigate through this period in her life. The emotional connection was real and strong.

There's a good and recognizable point. Somehow the younger affair partner triggers the "hero instinct" more than the wife of many years. It triggers my curiosity: why is that?

I think my ex ‘s AP WAS looking for that life raft after getting out of a divorce. When he met her, she was already dating some other men and when they broke up a few times, she already had another man in her bed after two weeks from their breakup. I think she was really looking for something . She hit the jackpot when she found my ex. 
you mention that your emotional connection was real and strong - I don’t understand how that happens . I still very deeply love my ex, and I can’t imagine even finding someone else attractive much less starting something with someone else while I was married . Even when he treated me like complete garbage during his affair, I still only had eyes for him .. maybe there’s something broken in me? 
I don’t know why my ex also felt the need to rescue these women. You would think that a man who created a family would want to defend his family and protect them? My ex’s protective instincts didn’t exist for his family and he liked saving strangers and another man’s children instead. 

15 hours ago, Will am I said:

Maybe it's the age gap? Maybe the fact that these OW get involved in affairs when they are in a vulnerable positions?

I think that has a lot to do with it as well. 

15 hours ago, Will am I said:

 

Personal thought: my wife is my equal. She's proven herself to be very capable to take care of herself, run a family and a household. How does she even need me to rescue her? Introspection: is that me being respectful or is that me being avoidant?

if your wife was in distress, would you allow her to figure it out on her own, or would you be open to helping her in that situation? I think that once we are put in a wifey position, we take over as the role of wife and take care of all that needs to be taken care of. We are put into these positions because the men In our lives expect it of us. Or else things won’t be run or get done.. sounds sexist but I think this dynamic exists in all relationships , regardless of gender. And then men turn around and say well she doesn’t need rescuing because she’s a strong person who can handle it all. But we don’t want to all of the time. Sometimes we like to be reminded that we have a papa bear to take care of us, to nurture us, and we like to be helpless in somethings sometimes because we enjoy that feeling of being cared for and protected . 

15 hours ago, Will am I said:

Another personal thought: I did go through a lengthy period of feeling isolated and rejected. Maybe resentment stands in the way of wanting to be the rescuer.

I could understand that; from my own experience as the one who was isolated and rejected, I craved rescuing and attention but also felt that I had to do everything for my ex in order for him to see my worth . Even though I had none, and still don’t. 

15 hours ago, Will am I said:

Maybe that's TMI because this is your topic and not mine. But then, maybe to provide you with some insight with what may have been going on in the head of your ex-husband.

 

A word of comfort.

I guess that real healing can only start when you accepted and embraced your decision to move on and leave the hurt-inflicting situation behind you. The fact that you're still feeling devastated after all these years does not have to mean that healing is such a slow process. Because your choice to leave the marriage was only made recently. Hopefully it will be a fast process that sets in real soon.

I hope so- I just want to be happy again. Thank you so much for your response… you have no idea how much this helps me get more closure and acceptance in my situation. It’s nice to know that not everyone out there is in a Cinderella marriage and I’m not the only one to go through this. 

[Will am I]

18 hours ago, vwbeetle said:

 

** I understand this as well- but men also have to remember that we want to be complimented and admired too..it is hurtful to just be present in your partners life . When children are still in the home, wives become mothers and husbands forget that they were wives first, and neglect that partnership.

From a stereotypical male perspective it's the women who change and become moms first and wives second (and subsequently, causing their husbands to feel rejected).

I think the reality is a bit more complex. To express this thought I want to start with an simple and arbitrary analogy.

Imagine you have two people in a home and a coffee table cluttered with empty soda cans. One of the two people can't stand the clutter at all and gets stressed out as soon as there's one empty soda can on the table. The other doesn't care as lang as he/she can find the TV remote between the clutter. Guess who will be the one who's cleaning up all the time: the one who gets stressed first.

I see some similarity with this analogy when it comes to parenting styles. Moms are often more protective around their children, making sure the kids are safe and well down to every little detail.  Dads are often more laissez-faire. I've seen this in how parents react to their children's safety around playgrounds but also in very different areas such as stoicking up baby supplies (mom wants to have everything on the shelve, dad wants to get it at the store when it runs out). So when it's mom who gets stressed first, she's automatically becoming the primary caretaker.

I believe that changing this pattern requires change from both sides. He needs to become more protective, she needs to relax more, they end up in the middle and everything balances out better. I do think some women suffer because they want to rebalance their respoinsibilities but do not want to move an inch when it comes to parenting style. I think that pattern is called "gatekeeping".

 

18 hours ago, vwbeetle said:

My ex wasn’t willing to take me on dates because of the money it costs to go out, or he was tired from work, etc. I asked and begged to go out but it was always a no. I just wasn’t worth it. 

I'm sorry this is what you experienced in your marriage.

I think there is another perspective.

Going on dates when you have kids brings much more of a logistics challenge. Take a dinner date for example. Instead of simply getting dressed up and driving to a restaurant, you need to arrange a babysitter, maybe pick up the babysitter, make sure the kids have eaten before leaving, go on your date, watch the time, get back home, pay the babysitter and make sure the babysitter gets home. The cost doubles, the effort triples, you're on a schedule getting ready for the date, you're on a time limit during the date, there's less room to be spontaneous etc. One might ask, "where's the fun in that?".

Probably both perspectives have some truth in them.

Your perspective of hurt ("I wasn't worth it") is a very realistic complaint in your case. Because for years your husband had played all the "fun" cards in his relationship with his OW and kept you around for the family and mom duties. When you express that you felt worthless in the relationship it's really based on something. But the side that 

 

My wife and I went years without many dates too. Two things changed. On a practical level, our daughter is a teenager and can be trusted alone for a few hours with her younger brother (they're nine years apart and he has always looked up to her like a second mommy). And on a relational level, I expressed that I needed a stronger romantic bond for this marriage to work. Now we go on dates again. Sometimes lunch is easier to arrange than dinner. But we're igniting the spark. Different than the first time around, now it is a gradual process that builds on the conscious choice of devotion. I think that because your ex-husband would never really cut ties with "his" OW, he could not make such a commitment anymore. She was pulling on his heart even when she was not there.

 

18 hours ago, vwbeetle said:

[...] Unfortunately, he saved one single mother and made me a struggling single mother — even trade, right? 

The bitterness and hurt resound so strongly through these words. I really hope that you will find healing.

And for the record: you were indeed mistreated in your marriage. You are a valuable person and you deserve a lot better than you got. Now this is so obvious that I should not even have to write it. The reason to write this explicitely is that sometimes the victims of bad treatment start to internalize the message of low esteem and it becomes low self-esteem. Leave that behind you, be assured that you can find a future where you are valued. If you find yourself struggling, seek help from a counselor.

 

18 hours ago, vwbeetle said:

He told me in the past that he sincerely regretted hurting me and my daughter , but time and time again when I gave him chances to come back, and my only condition was that he had to cut it off completely with his AP, he couldn’t do it. He told me that he was in a toxic and limerant relationship, and he thrives on the high highs they had and liked the drama and conflict because it made him feel more passionate.. he told me that they broke up more times than he’s told me, and that even her kids said they didn’t like him because he made her cry all the time. What woman would allow that? I feel like their relationship has changed for the better now that she has legal ties with him , and knows not to rock the boat or else she risks losing what she gained from him. 

Well, she did marry a man with a history of infidelity. I like to quote Dr. Phil: "if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you". Because the tendency to cheat is his problem, and not something that comes forward out of the marriage. So his new wife married a man who's inclinded to cheat on his wife. Good luck with that, right?

18 hours ago, vwbeetle said:

I’m so glad that you decided to turn yourself around and choose your wife; as difficult as that was, I think your future is better off for it. 

I think so too. I think this outcome is the best one on every aspect, if we are able to keep making these small steps forward. I'm not against divocre, I've grown a lot more familiar with the thought that I might divorce my wife, it's not so scary anymore. But I also recognize that the future in that scenario is not all bright. There's the asset division, the spousal support payments, etc. It would be like starting from zero when I'm already in my 40s. It will be more difficult to establish strong relationships with my kids as they grow up. Also, a new life partnership may be more superficial relationship than the one I had. So it's not a very desireable scenario.

Which motivates me to invest into the marriage and stay away from other women. I told myself this: "once is a slip, twice is a pattern". If I catch myself with another woman again, I will leave my marriage because apparently it's lost its value to me. 

 

18 hours ago, vwbeetle said:

I think my ex ‘s AP WAS looking for that life raft after getting out of a divorce. When he met her, she was already dating some other men and when they broke up a few times, she already had another man in her bed after two weeks from their breakup. I think she was really looking for something . She hit the jackpot when she found my ex. 

I'll quote Beavis and Butthead on this one. Appartently his new life partner is "a dumbass with a lot of problems". As time goes by your ex husband will probably get tired of her. The good news for you: it's no longer your problem.

 

18 hours ago, vwbeetle said:

you mention that your emotional connection was real and strong - I don’t understand how that happens .

Because she just stole my heart.

I think my feelings started when I saw the vulnerable side. Now my wife has that side too, but she would always toughen up and not show herself too vulnerable. I think it's a coping strategy that she developed as a child or teenager. So in that sense, xOW was opening up to me in a way that my wife would not. Me, I recognize some of your ex-husbands character in myself. 

I also got to see an incredibly smart young woman with top grades in university and amazing cultural baggage. There was some adoration already, it definitely grew because of these factors. When you're in love you see the positive sides. I saw a lot of things in xOW where she could have made a better match than my wife. The other side is that of course I was blind for all the areas where my wife is the better choice. Realistically these outnumber the others by far, but when I was in love I didn't see clearly.

To this day, I really think she's an amazing young woman. And hopefully she will be someone else's amazing wife and she will get the love and devotion that she deserves (and way beyond what I could give her as a married man). I think these feelings are genuine and I have accepted the fact that they will take time to fade. Until them I just put the feelings in cold storage.

18 hours ago, vwbeetle said:

I still very deeply love my ex, and I can’t imagine even finding someone else attractive much less starting something with someone else while I was married . Even when he treated me like complete garbage during his affair, I still only had eyes for him .. maybe there’s something broken in me? 

I think your loyalty and devotion are good and admirable traits.

But when any trait is too strong, it becomes dysfunctional. That even applies to otherwise positive traits. Clinging to a man who treats you so badly is not a bad thing to do, but it is a dysfunctional thing (in the sense that you allow yourself to be broken down way too much).

18 hours ago, vwbeetle said:

I don’t know why my ex also felt the need to rescue these women. You would think that a man who created a family would want to defend his family and protect them? My ex’s protective instincts didn’t exist for his family and he liked saving strangers and another man’s children instead. 

I think that has a lot to do with it as well. 

I think your ex-husbands sense of loyalty was quite the opposite as yours.

18 hours ago, vwbeetle said:

if your wife was in distress, would you allow her to figure it out on her own, or would you be open to helping her in that situation? I think that once we are put in a wifey position, we take over as the role of wife and take care of all that needs to be taken care of.

It's not only about being in distress but also about showing it. 

When a wife is in distress but projecting a strong image like "I'm fine", she is arms-lengthing her husband. Which results in the wife not getting the care and attention that she needs, and the husband feeling rejected. Opening up and showing vulnerability is actually a topic in our couples counseling. 

18 hours ago, vwbeetle said:

We are put into these positions because the men In our lives expect it of us. Or else things won’t be run or get done.. sounds sexist but I think this dynamic exists in all relationships , regardless of gender.

There's two sides to it. What you're expected to do and what you're expecting yourself to do.

18 hours ago, vwbeetle said:

I hope so- I just want to be happy again. Thank you so much for your response… you have no idea how much this helps me get more closure and acceptance in my situation. It’s nice to know that not everyone out there is in a Cinderella marriage and I’m not the only one to go through this. 

I guess you just started your own journey to a happier future when you pulled the plug on a marriage that was continually tearing you down with no realistic hopes of improvement.