Author Weezy1973 Posted December 30, 2022 Author Share Posted December 30, 2022 4 hours ago, basil67 said: She doesn’t want to spend another 40yrs with someone who doesn’t let her in Why would she marry him in the first place? Again this wasn’t an impulsive decision. She was upset recently when his mom died and he didn’t cry. He took care of all the practical matters and loose ends. He went home to support his dad. But he didn’t fall apart. She couldn’t understand that. She thinks it’s some character flaw he has. According to her, what she learned in counseling was that she put 100% effort into the kids and no effort into the marriage. Before they had kids they were great. They have similar interests, spent tons of time together, went on adventures, but then kids came and she wasn’t interested in date nights or getting a sitter and going ln the occasional weekend getaway. She caused the connection to fade, and now instead of working on it, she’s decided to leave. All types of counseling are the same in the end. The people going to counseling at some point have to change what they’re doing if the want different results. At this point, she’s not willing to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Weezy1973 Posted December 30, 2022 Author Share Posted December 30, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: To me, it takes great strength for her to make this decision and file for divorce. And to me it’s a sign of weakness. Happiness comes from within - a common refrain that I truly believe. Her thoughts have convinced her there’s a problem where there isn’t one. The only difference now is she thinks there’s a problem. Part of being married is accepting our partners idiosyncrasies and differences from ourselves. Edited December 30, 2022 by Weezy1973 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 30, 2022 Share Posted December 30, 2022 58 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: And to me it’s a sign of weakness. Happiness comes from within - a common refrain that I truly believe. Her thoughts have convinced her there’s a problem where there isn’t one. The only difference now is she thinks there’s a problem. Part of being married is accepting our partners idiosyncrasies and differences from ourselves. I don’t disagree, but at the end of the day it is her decision whether she wants to put the effort in and stay married or not. Her reasons are her reasons, the fact that you disagree does not invalidate them. This is a decision and a discussion to be made by your sister and her husband. I feel your struggle, I would feel similarly if it was sibling… it’s hard to see a family divided. But, it is their decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 30, 2022 Share Posted December 30, 2022 1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said: Why would she marry him in the first place? There was obviously an attraction and something that drew her to him - but, people change and people’s feelings change over time… It could be that when they were dating/before kids, they were both more invested in the relationship/more communicative and demonstrative - but with time, they have gone back to their normal. For example, she put the effort into dating and sex prior to kids but now, she is not interested in doing the same. He was perhaps more engaging and more communicative when they were newly together/building a life together, but his true personality is showing now and he is more introverted/less demonstrative than he was when he was trying to build the relationship. Who can explain these things - people and relationships evolve and change over time… 1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said: According to her, what she learned in counseling was that she put 100% effort into the kids and no effort into the marriage. Before they had kids they were great. They have similar interests, spent tons of time together, went on adventures, but then kids came and she wasn’t interested in date nights or getting a sitter and going ln the occasional weekend getaway. She caused the connection to fade Again, not uncommon for many women - sadly. We tend to invest heavily in the kids at the expense of the marriage sometimes, which is why when the kids grow older and leave home… there is nothing left between the spouses. People then have a decision to make - invest and reconnect or let go. And perhaps, twenty years later down the road of life… people have grown and changed in such a way as they are no longer compatible. It happens. Perimenopause/menopause will also affect many women, lots of stories on this board of women (and men) who lose interest in sex and check out of their marriages. It’s unfortunate that it’s not uncommon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 30, 2022 Share Posted December 30, 2022 Weezy, if I may add, this happened with my best friend and her husband. She checked out of the marriage, said “what is wrong with me, he is such a great guy…” but, she was done. They have three kids. At the time, I thought she was crazy and I was so frustrated and disappointed in her. I grieved the loss of that marriage - we all did. It was hard! But, they are now in new relationships and very happy. In many ways, they have become “one big family” - they recently all attended a pre-Christmas gathering with kids, new spouses, old and new spouses extended families. It was amazing!! I hear what you are saying, I don’t mean to invalidate your feelings and your concerns. I too would be frustrated with my sibling and heartbroken at the thought of a pending divorce. You just have to trust that it will be ok, that she knows what she is doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 30, 2022 Share Posted December 30, 2022 Marriage and divorce are very personal. No one knows what her experience has been. Do you really think you know everything about her marriage? Do you really think you know what he is like as a husband? You are on the outside looking in, no matter how much you think you understand. t's very presumptuous for you to say she's convinced herself there's a problem where there isn't one. It's very presumptuous for you to think she's simply not accepting her husband's normal idiosyncrasies and differences. It's very presumptuous for you to think you have a better understanding of what she's dealing with than she herself does. She doesn't owe you an explanation and probably chose to not go into details, chose to only skim over it with you and others. It's likely she understands how strongly you feel about this issue and doesn't want to debate. My experience of divorce after a long marriage is difficult and painful. Having a loved one judge my decision would make it all the more painful and likely damage my relationship with that person. You don't know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Weezy1973 Posted December 30, 2022 Author Share Posted December 30, 2022 1 hour ago, FMW said: You don't know. I know her better than you. Projecting your experience doesn’t offer much. It has literally nothing to do with her marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Weezy1973 Posted December 30, 2022 Author Share Posted December 30, 2022 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: You just have to trust that it will be ok, that she knows what she is doing. I trust she’s doing what she believes is going to make her happy. I don’t think she has a good grasp of the consequences, especially the impact on her kids. Her kids were blindsided by this. Will this create trust issues for their future relationships? The youngest two are still at very impressionable ages, 14 and 16. From speaking with a few adult children of divorce, a common theme is that in retrospect they realized divorce was better because their lives were so toxic. They didn’t realize it when they were kids of course because it’s all they knew, but after the divorce their lives became more stable. That’s not the case here. The family was a very stable, loving family unit. I’ve known my sister all my life and her husband half my life. These are not toxic people. Stable, dependable, reliable - the types of qualities you’re looking for in a coparent. I also worry now as her husband is basically doing a version of the “pick me” dance. Doing whatever she asks him to do seemingly in the hope that she’ll change her mind. I don’t worry about him as much - he’ll be okay, but it doesn’t exactly set a good example for the kids at this impressionable age. And lastly it’s pretty clear my sister took her husband for granted. And still does. She expects him basically to keep doing everything for her that he’s always done. I mean it’s still early stages and they can’t file for divorce for awhile, but at the moment things look really unfair. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 30, 2022 Share Posted December 30, 2022 Weezy, you’ve described your girlfriend as your wife here in this thread yet you don’t seem to be legally married as you’ve described her as a gf elsewhere on other threads. Which is it? What seems strange is that you’re so willing to criticize your sister when you haven’t even been married yourself. You may have personal reasons for that that others find offensive and a “sign of weakness”. Do you see how it’s all a matter of perspective and how all of it is some degree of acceptance and respect for one another? I am pointing this out not to offend or insult but to show you how your methods or approach to living, processing events or situations can also be interpreted with a very much less generous stance. Your views are valid but not if it keeps on putting someone down for personal decisions you haven’t lived through. It suggests so much disrespect for your sister. It’s striking to me how much dissent and almost anger and distrust you have towards her. Is it possible that it’s not your sister who bothers you but your own choices in your life? Why become so involved in someone else’s marriage to this extent or let yourself hold onto this anger? Would you see yourself letting this go or finding peace in someone else’s choices? I realize you may not want to explore this or dismiss it completely. If something bothers me to such a great extent I usually look inwards because the problem is me, not others. She hasn’t insulted you, lashed out at you or burdened you - ie tried contacting you for money or unloading her issues in an inappropriate way. How is it then that anger is the response you have towards her? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 30, 2022 Share Posted December 30, 2022 (edited) 38 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: I trust she’s doing what she believes is going to make her happy. Don’t we all? We do the best with what we have at the time, I have to believe that she is doing the same. 38 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: I don’t think she has a good grasp of the consequences, especially the impact on her kids. She is their mother, she has likely thought about this for the past four years and she likely has a better idea than you think. Regardless, it is her life. It’s her family. It’s her decision. She will deal with the consequences. 38 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Will this create trust issues for their future relationships? The youngest two are still at very impressionable ages, 14 and 16. My friends children were the same age. They struggled initially, they did some counselling. Children are resilient. They have a good relationship with their parents, who have a good relationship. They have all done well. They are now young adults, each has established what appear to be healthy relationships for themselves. As have their parents… 3 hours ago, FMW said: She doesn't owe you an explanation and probably chose to not go into details, chose to only skim over it with you and others. It's likely she understands how strongly you feel about this issue and doesn't want to debate. My experience of divorce after a long marriage is difficult and painful. Having a loved one judge my decision would make it all the more painful and likely damage my relationship with that person. For what it’s worth, I think this is very wise advice and likely very true. Dismiss this comment in the same way that you dismiss your sister’s feelings and her ability to make a decision for her own life/family if you so choose… I believe you to be well intended but as was said above, your stubborn insistence that you know better may negatively affect your relationship with your sister and her family. You walk a fine line here… Edited December 30, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 30, 2022 Share Posted December 30, 2022 This is the last I will say, perhaps the best thing you can do right now is put some distance between you for a while. These things challenge us, I have said I was very challenged by my friends decision to leave her marriage - her family was like my extended family at the time, it hurt me terribly to see that marriage end. I found that all I could do was take a step back for my own well-being - and give them the time and space to work through it. best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Weezy1973 Posted December 30, 2022 Author Share Posted December 30, 2022 25 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Regardless, it is her life. It’s her family. It’s her decision. She will deal with the consequences. Indeed. The answer I suppose is that divorce is always justified, no matter the consequences. I spoke of my cousin with the chronic health condition that took a turn for the worse which meant more caregiving duties for her husband. Who I’m sure wasn’t happy with the change in the relationship dynamic, and divorced her. And, to be fair, from all reports, he is indeed happier now. But she’s not. I look at that and think, you married and made vows about in sickness and health etc. and it strikes me as being “wrong”. But I know it’s not really wrong, that’s just my values that I’m imposing onto somebody else. He did what he thought would make him happy. And he was right. My sister is just doing what she thinks will make her happy. And I love her so should support her. I know that’s true. Will take some time to wrap my head around it though. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 30, 2022 Share Posted December 30, 2022 (edited) 24 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: I love her so should support her. I know that’s true. Will take some time to wrap my head around it though. Exactly my thought as it relates to my friend’s divorce. I supported them, it didn’t mean that I needed to involve myself in their family drama. I could love them from afar for a little while… I don’t disagree with your example above weezy, it is a crappy thing to leave a spouse who is sick and suffering. I don’t think that I could do it myself. Sadly, I believe the answer to that question is simply - life isn’t always fair. People don’t always do the right, or the best, or even the kind and fair thing. Such is life. And sometimes, it’s not always clear what the right thing is… people, relationships, life is complicated. As the saying goes, until you’ve walked a mile in someone else’s shoes… Marriage is like that. I was shocked when my friend told me they were having problems, even more shocked when she told me a few months later that she wanted to leave. She said to my shock - you have absolutely no idea what goes on behind closed doors… and she was right. I had no idea. Neither do you. So, just love them and give them the space to sort it out. Your concern will be appreciated, your advice is not likely to be appreciated right now. And that’s ok. It’s their marriage, it’s their lives. They will figure it out. Edited December 30, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted December 30, 2022 Share Posted December 30, 2022 2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: My sister is just doing what she thinks will make her happy. And I love her so should support her. I know that’s true. Will take some time to wrap my head around it though Exactly. You need to be supportive, no matter what, because she’s family. This will be a little bit more difficult, if you’ve got a really close relationship with your brother-in-law, but still … 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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