Shoud I tell this guy I have been dating that I hooked up with someone else?

[Allupinnit]

If you tell him, it's going to be pretty much over.  What if you found out he did the same thing?  You'd be crushed, thinking you meant more to him than that after five months of an intimate r'ship.  Especially a trip you invited him on initially!  OUCH.  Most people I know tend to only want sex with one person at a time.  You cannot blame the alcohol, that excuse doesn't fly with anyone when it comes to matters of the heart and loyalty - "I was drunk" doesn't absolve you of responsibility to yourself and your loved ones.

But, he will probably find out through mutual friends anyway.  People love to talk.  Honesty IMHO is always the best policy.  It's just whether or not you want him to find out from you or your friends.

You're only 20 and are prone to doing stupid things like this in your youth.  It's a learning opportunity, if you can't control yourself under the influence then you need to re-examine your r'ship with drugs and alcohol or stay single.  

[Lisa]

Ongoing debate about matters pertaining to consent have been removed as they are starting to derail the thread, while the OP is not concerned about this aspect of the situation.

The topic is whether the OP should tell the man she’s dating that she had sex with someone else.  

Edited December 23, 2022 by Lisa

[glows]

6 hours ago, Vforr847 said:

We just haven’t gotten there yet especially since he was gone for 2 months. I do feel like I broke an unspoken rule even though he isn’t my boyfriend and he would be upset.

Would you rather know if the tables were turned and he slept with someone else? I’m curious what your thoughts are.

Considering you have a strong feeling he will be upset, then omitting this seems fairly disingenuous.

I had the impression at first you both were casually here nor there and on the fence about each other, on/off or fwb or just not that connected.

Also, I’d like to check what this 2 months away is about.

5 months is a long time to go in limbo. Did he insist on being single when he went away for 2 months? How do you he hasn’t slept with others himself? Your situation reminds me of someone who posted earlier this year about her boyfriend traveling for some time and him wanting to be single or not in a relationship. She was quite broken and upset by that.

I’m looking for a bit more context here. 

Edited December 23, 2022 by glows

[Vforr847]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

Would you rather know if the tables were turned and he slept with someone else? I’m curious what your thoughts are.

Considering you have a strong feeling he will be upset, then omitting this seems fairly disingenuous.

I had the impression at first you both were casually here nor there and on the fence about each other, on/off or fwb or just not that connected.

Also, I’d like to check what this 2 months away is about.

5 months is a long time to go in limbo. Did he insist on being single when he went away for 2 months? How do you how he hasn’t slept with others himself? Your situation reminds me of someone who posted earlier this year about her boyfriend traveling for some time and him wanting to be single or not in a relationship. She was quite broken and upset by that.

I’m looking for a bit more context here. 

It is so hard to say one way or the other, but yes I think I would want to know rather then be kept in the dark probably.

We hang out all of the time, are close, and stay with each other a lot. We have just never really had the talk. The other person who commented that maybe it was implied so now I’m thinking about that but I really don’t know and clearly need to talk to him.

He had an internship a few hours away and it complicated things. We talked all of the time but it put the brakes on our relationship at the time. He didn’t insist on being single. I don’t think he has/is sleeping with anyone else.

 

[glows]

I wouldn’t assume anything. I’m referring to him not being with anyone else. If this isn’t something you feel comfortable about then discuss it with him but avoid doing the self guilt trip. You’re talking to clarify and inform one another, not live the rest of the relationship in remorse or guilt. 

If he doesn’t accept what happened, you need to accept that also. And don’t hang around someone who wants to make you feel bad about this. Pick up and move on.

[Alpacalia]

It's why you knew he'd be upset. This is why you choose to keep him in the dark. Also, it enables you to hold onto him at any cost.

Have you been feeling low about yourself because he didn't accompany you on this trip and succumbed to the attention of another guy?

[ ]  Hopefully he will figure it out on his own and be able to decide what type of relationship he is possibly choosing for himself.

There is no need to stay with him if you are not satisfied with his level of commitment. I would also consider whether the man you're dating is someone you respect.

Edited December 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[understand50]

Vforr847 ,

In a word yes, you should tell the guy you are dating that you did hook up with someone else.  Guys, tend to not buy the whole, we were not exclusive thing, unless you told him up front that you were open to sleeping with other guys while dating.  I can tell you that things like this have a way of coming out when you least expect and can and do cause great damage.  

Now, if the guy you are dating is not marriage material, or you are not in to the marriage thing, keep it to yourself, as  in that case all your relationships are temporary so why bother being honest.  Harsh, I know, sorry.  On the other hand, if this guy is someone you see building a marriage or long term relationship with, He deserves to know.  I speak from long experience.  The pain now, will be a lot less then if he finds out later and believes you were not honest with him.  If you have the "talk" where you tell each other your sexual, financial, and social past, you really should be honest and tell him everything, as he should be with you.   It is the only way in a marriage.  Start out right.

My two cents, and I wish you the best of luck....

 

[Beachead]

@Vforr847

16 hours ago, Vforr847 said:

The other person who commented that maybe it was implied so now I’m thinking about that but I really don’t know and clearly need to talk to him.

 

Whoever said that was only thinking about how they would see it.  But people in general go into relationships with different levels of relationship experience, different levels of life experience, different ideas, different feelings or thoughts, motivations and approaches from one another.  That conversation needs to be had so that you both know what's what and get on the same page.  Without that conversation, you run into scenarios where you may have to introduce one another to an acquaintance, a friend or family member and this happens:

You: "This is my..ughh.. ummm..ahhh..ughhh..."

Him: 

You: 

OR

You: "This is my boyfriend"

Him: 

..and vice versa.

OR

You both don't have the conversation and then somebody ends up meeting someone else and the other gets their heart  broken because no one broached the topic.

Talk it out and avoid getting yourself into those kinds of stupid sitcom situations.

- Feather

Edited December 23, 2022 by MisterFeather

[Vforr847]

2 hours ago, MisterFeather said:

@Vforr847

 

Whoever said that was only thinking about how they would see it.  But people in general go into relationships with different levels of relationship experience, different levels of life experience, different ideas, different feelings or thoughts, motivations and approaches from one another.  That conversation needs to be had so that you both know what's what and get on the same page.  Without that conversation, you run into scenarios where you may have to introduce one another to an acquaintance, a friend or family member and this happens:

You: "This is my..ughh.. ummm..ahhh..ughhh..."

Him: 

You: 

OR

You: "This is my boyfriend"

Him: 

..and vice versa.

OR

You both don't have the conversation and then somebody ends up meeting someone else and the other gets their heart  broken because no one broached the topic.

Talk it out and avoid getting yourself into those kinds of stupid sitcom situations.

- Feather

lol. I’m going to talk to him tonight. Thank y’all.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/22/2022 at 11:15 PM, Vforr847 said:

He had an internship a few hours away and it complicated things. 

Unfortunately  this relationship may not work out because of other obstacles and incompatibilities.

So you could blow it up now or wait for it to phase out naturally. Sadly either way won't be easy. If you try to stay, you may be dogged with guilt and if you tell him now he may assume you want things to be over anyway.

[salparadise]

On 12/23/2022 at 3:15 PM, Vforr847 said:

We hang out all of the time, are close, and stay with each other a lot. We have just never really had the talk. The other person who commented that maybe it was implied so now I’m thinking about that but I really don’t know and clearly need to talk to him.

I'm a bit perplexed that the nature of the R isn't clear after five months. I do believe that implicit agreements exist and are quite valid, contrary those who claim that unspoken equals no agreement at all. I've had two longer term relationships in recent years, and in both cases it was implicit, and no less certain than if it had been spoken. 

I will add that men generally (I'd guess 99.999 percent) are just not going to invest with a woman whom they know to be sleeping around. They might take a turn with her but they are not going to let it develop. So if your guy is investing –– treating you well, like a girlfriend, and becoming emotionally attached –– it's a near certainty that he believes there is an implicit agreement. My guess is that if you tell him he's going to be gone, and even if he stays the magic will be gone. 

It's a complex equation to decide whether to tell or not. [ ]  I don't think hardly anything is actually b&w, esp. in this situation. If you know it's going to get back to him via the other people there, then probably best he hears it from you instead. But I also think that it would be preferable that he not have to suffer it.

Edited December 24, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
argumentative

[poppyfields]

18 hours ago, Vforr847 said:

lol. I’m going to talk to him tonight. Thank y’all.

Good luck, I hope you will post an update. 

I for one am interested in what his response will be. 

[Vforr847]

Well we talked. I told him everything. He was upset at me and my friends but then he seemed fine and is sleeping next to me. I think that is a good sign but we will see.

[glows]

How are you feeling after you told him?

[Vforr847]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

How are you feeling after you told him?

I don’t think our relationship is destroyed but feel like s*** about myself. 

[glows]

On 12/25/2022 at 9:06 PM, Vforr847 said:

I don’t think our relationship is destroyed but feel like s*** about myself. 

Did you both discuss your relationship or clarify exclusivity? 

[Vforr847]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

Did you both discuss your relationship or clarify exclusivity? 

I brought up that we had never talked about it and although this wasn’t something I intentionally did at all that he wasn’t my boyfriend. He said he wants to be exclusive and he wasn’t as upset as I thought he would be. Things have been kind of weird though so I’m not sure how it will play out. He has obviously lost some trust in me and hates that it happened.

[glows]

I’m sorry to hear that but good for you for having the courage to tell him the truth. 

As an aside and sharing a few thoughts outloud - what does bother me is seeing couples stay together dysfunctionally with one person hoping and pleading with the other for forgiveness and the other struggling with trust, all of it turning into a large mess and both utterly miserable. I wouldn’t like to see anyone live that. Cut your losses if this isn’t for you. Not everyone is mature enough to walk away from someone they no longer trust. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Vforr847 said:

 this wasn’t something I intentionally did at all that he wasn’t my boyfriend. 

Agree. I doubt this will bring you closer together. Maybe for a while but be prepared for the writing on the wall.

[salparadise]

6 hours ago, glows said:

Cut your losses if this isn’t for you.

Or redouble your effort to make him feel appreciated, promise that this will never happen again, say no to drug and alcohol abuse... and demonstrate that you are worthy of his trust and dedication. 

No relationship is perfect, and they all have ups and downs. It's those who are able to handle the ups and downs that have long-term relationships. Everything else's  just a dating episode, flings basically. If you throw away everyone and every relationship that isn't perfect, it's going to be a long, lonely life. Sincere people are valuable and at least deserve respect.

Edited December 27, 2022 by salparadise

[poppyfields]

16 hours ago, Vforr847 said:

I brought up that we had never talked about it and although this wasn’t something I intentionally did at all that he wasn’t my boyfriend. He said he wants to be exclusive and he wasn’t as upset as I thought he would be. 

So if I'm reading this^ correctly, after five months of consistent dating and having sex with only each other, you got drunk and stoned and had sex with another man and your boyfriend's response was to ask you to be exclusive?

OK, something's not jiving, I don't think your boyfriend is thinking clearly.  Or he has extremely low self-esteem and standards. 

I mean no disrespect towards you but come on, you basically cheated on him and he rewards that behavior with exclusivity?

[ ] 

I think your boyfriend may be in denial, not uncommon in situations like this. 

In any event, I think in time when he does begin thinking clearly, the * is going to hit the fan culminating in the end of your relationship, I'm sorry. 

EDIT:  These early stages are for observing and determining if someone is right for us long term.

If this had been a long term relationship wherein a strong bond had already been established, you can weather the storms, overcome obstacles, work though it together and come out stronger. 

But here?  Very early stages?  I dunno, I don't see it, but hope I am wrong assuming this is something you'd like to become serious and long-term. 

 

Edited December 27, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
inviting commentary on own post

[Gaeta]

On 12/22/2022 at 4:07 PM, Vforr847 said:

I just don’t think he has anything but I could be wrong of course. Going to go tomorrow. 

No point of getting tested within 3 months. Most STI won't show a positive before that incubation time. 

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

No point of getting tested within 3 months. Most STI won't show a positive before that incubation time. 

Agree. That said, that’s a long time to be abstinent with a boyfriend who just decided to commit to an exclusive relationship. Especially because they’ve previously had a sexual relationship… that’s going to be hard.

Edited December 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[bee]

I think unless you know that the guy you’ve been seeing KNOWS this guy you hooked up with and could find out easily from someone else, you definitely shouldn’t tell him/don’t need to. It would be hurting him for no reason, especially since you aren’t yet officially exclusive. 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Agree. That said, that’s a long time to be abstinent with a boyfriend who just decided to commit to an exclusive relationship. Especially because they’ve previously had a sexual relationship… that’s going to be hard.

That would be a good opportunity to learn from this and both of them get tested. 

Him and her should use protection if they have sex until they get tested. 

I think boyfriend acted ok when he got the news but I would not count on that relationship to even make it to another 3 months. This will be playing in his head and impact their 'fairly new' relationship.