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Shoud I tell this guy I have been dating that I hooked up with someone else?

Vforr847

By Vforr847
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
34 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If you don't remember how do you know it happened at all?

That was my question too!   

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

What also might be an issue is that you were drinking and taking pills, then lost all control. This guy would never trust you when you go out with your friends for fear this would happen again. This type of risk taking, even if you are not a regular user is dangerous, and there can be consequences.

OP, this is one of those unfortunate situations where you're damned if you do (tell him) and damned if don't (not tell him).

I mean if you DO tell him, I refer to the bolded.  The RL is DONE.  Regardless of whether you had "the talk" or not.  We're talking about emotions here, not a business contract.  I am sure he presumed you were not having sex with others, it was a "tacit" agreement, tacit being defined as:

1. Unspoken, silent

2. not expressed or declared openly, but implied or understood

If you don't tell him, he may possibly find out later after which your RL is done.

Either way your RL is done.

BIG lesson learning going forward.

Get a handle on drinking and pill popping and equally as important, do NOT go sleeping in the same bed with a man other than your boyfriend!

Take responsibility for what happens to you in life is my advice.   Behave responsibly, with integrity and have respect for your boyfriend and your RL.

G'luck.

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Get a handle of drinking and pill popping and equally as important, and do NOT go sleeping in the same bed with a man other than your boyfriend.

^^^This is the major lesson you need to take away from this whether you and your bf work out or not.

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

^^^This is the major lesson you need to take away from this whether you and your bf work out or not.

Major lesson - this is bad enough but next time, it could end very, very differently. 

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Cute-Frog339 Member

Cute-Frog339

Posted
Posted

You owe it to this guy to end all things with him. You may not have been exclusive, but it would absolutely floor him if he found out.

You didn't care about this guy as much as you claim you do. He deserve someone who actually wants to be with him.

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Vforr847 Member

Vforr847

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Posted (edited)

I’m not mixing alcohol and pills ever again. Not worth it. And going to stay away from drugs.

Edited by Vforr847
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Vforr847 Member

Vforr847

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22 minutes ago, Cute-Frog339 said:

You owe it to this guy to end all things with him. You may not have been exclusive, but it would absolutely floor him if he found out.

You didn't care about this guy as much as you claim you do. He deserve someone who actually wants to be with him.

I very much do care about him and want to be with him. This was just a stupid mistake that never should have happened and would not have without alcohol.

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
41 minutes ago, Vforr847 said:

. This was just a stupid mistake that never should have happened and would not have without alcohol.

Forgive yourself and forever hold your peace.  The alcohol and drug mix can have amnesic and euphoric effects, so while not date assault per se, you may never know exactly what happened and perhaps you'd rather not know.

The important thing is that you wish to move forward with the man you're seeing. If you feel uneasy about it, it may be best to confide in some trusted people. Have you seen each other since the cabin situation?  

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Vforr847 Member

Vforr847

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12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Forgive yourself and forever hold your peace.  The alcohol and drug mix can have amnesic and euphoric effects, so while not date assault per se, you may never know exactly what happened and perhaps you'd rather not know.

The important thing is that you wish to move forward with the man you're seeing. If you feel uneasy about it, it may be best to confide in some trusted people. Have you seen each other since the cabin situation?  

Yes we have seen each other twice.

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted

Did you use protection OP?  I hope you're not pregnant.  I would suggest getting tested for STDs, lord forbid you transmit something to your boyfriend.

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Vforr847 Member

Vforr847

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5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Did you use protection OP?  I hope you're not pregnant.  I would suggest getting tested for STDs, lord forbid you transmit something to your boyfriend.

I am on birth control. Highly doubt he used a condom but I am going to get tested, doubt I have anything to worry about in that area.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, Vforr847 said:

 Highly doubt he used a condom but I am going to get tested, doubt I have anything to worry about in that area.

Why is that? What do you know about his own sexual history? 

You wouldn't want to wind up with something that cannot be cured, so yes, get tested immediately. And don't have sex with the guy you are seeing in the meantime. You don't know what you have now been exposed to and could unknowingly pass on to him. 

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Vforr847 Member

Vforr847

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7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why is that? What do you know about his own sexual history? 

You wouldn't want to wind up with something that cannot be cured, so yes, get tested immediately. And don't have sex with the guy you are seeing in the meantime. You don't know what you have now been exposed to and could unknowingly pass on to him. 

I just don’t think he has anything but I could be wrong of course. Going to go tomorrow. 

Cute-Frog339 Member

Cute-Frog339

Posted
Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Vforr847 said:

I very much do care about him and want to be with him. This was just a stupid mistake that never should have happened and would not have without alcohol.

[ ] 

You don't have any respect for this guy you are dating. If you did, then you would have considered your actions (IE. Putting yourself into a compromising position). Whilst this man was hoping to build something meaningful, you opted for having someone else inside you.

We all make mistakes. I get it. For your sake, I wish it had never happened. But it has, and there's consequences.

The only way this -could- work, is if you were honest with him and he still choose to be with you.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

Posted
Posted
11 minutes ago, Vforr847 said:

I just don’t think he has anything but I could be wrong of course. Going to go tomorrow. 

Why would you think this?  He's a guy who does what he did with you.  This is how STD's are spread. 

Why have you been dating for 5 months without being "exclusive"?  Is your relationship sexual?   To me,  if I were dating someone that long & we were having sex, I would assume we were exclusive UNLESS it was understood that we both were seeing other people.   For the record, that is not something I would ever do.  I am not a multi-dater type, and 5 months is way long enough to know whether it's working or not.

Are you and this guy openly multi-dating?

 

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Vforr847 Member

Vforr847

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4 hours ago, Cute-Frog339 said:

[ ] 

You don't have any respect for this guy you are dating. If you did, then you would have considered your actions (IE. Putting yourself into a compromising position). Whilst this man was hoping to build something meaningful, you opted for having someone else inside you.

We all make mistakes. I get it. For your sake, I wish it had never happened. But it has, and there's consequences.

The only way this -could- work, is if you were honest with him and he still choose to be with you.

I understand why you would say that but this is not the norm for me and I’m not going to let it happen again. It was a horrible mistake. I have never cheated on anyone and I wouldn’t. I do respect and care about him which is why I feel so terrible about the situation.

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NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

Posted
Posted

It makes a difference WHY you aren't exclusive now, and whether you have talked about that.  

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Vforr847 Member

Vforr847

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7 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why would you think this?  He's a guy who does what he did with you.  This is how STD's are spread. 

Why have you been dating for 5 months without being "exclusive"?  Is your relationship sexual?   To me,  if I were dating someone that long & we were having sex, I would assume we were exclusive UNLESS it was understood that we both were seeing other people.   For the record, that is not something I would ever do.  I am not a multi-dater type, and 5 months is way long enough to know whether it's working or not.

Are you and this guy openly multi-dating?

 

We have a sexual relationship yes. We haven’t talked about seeing other people in a while. He was gone for 2 months and I didn’t see him in that period at all but we talked a lot, but things were kind of on hold. My feeling is that we are going to be official very soon (not considering what just happened) 

I just really doubt he has anything but I could be dead wrong and am going to get tested asap

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
34 minutes ago, Vforr847 said:

I just don’t think he has anything but I could be wrong of course. Going to go tomorrow. 

You can’t say that with any certainty. I bet you thought before the other night that he was a friend who respected you and wouldn’t hurt you - guess again. 

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
11 minutes ago, Vforr847 said:

We have a sexual relationship yes. We haven’t talked about seeing other people in a while. He was gone for 2 months and I didn’t see him in that period at all but we talked a lot, but things were kind of on hold. My feeling is that we are going to be official very soon (not considering what just happened) 

I just really doubt he has anything but I could be dead wrong and am going to get tested asap

Given that you were having sex, was there a reason you hadn't established exclusivity within five months?   

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Vforr847 Member

Vforr847

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1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Given that you were having sex, was there a reason you hadn't established exclusivity within five months?   

We just haven’t gotten there yet especially since he was gone for 2 months. I do feel like I broke an unspoken rule even though he isn’t my boyfriend and he would be upset.

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
46 minutes ago, Vforr847 said:

I just don’t think he has anything but I could be wrong of course. Going to go tomorrow. 

That is an extremely naïve attitude.  Many stds are symptom free, but yet they can be passed along.

This did happen to a friend of mine years ago, she cheated on her boyfriend and picked up an std (I think it was gonorrhea).

She had stinging itching and a yeast infection from it whereas the guy had no symptoms.  She passed it to her boyfriend who diagnosed positive but had no symptoms.

Better safe than sorry.

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Vforr847 Member

Vforr847

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4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

That is an extremely naïve attitude.  Many stds are symptom free, but yet they can be passed along.

This did happen to a friend of mine years ago, she cheated on her boyfriend and picked up an std (I think it was gonorrhea).

She had stinging itching and a yeast infection from it whereas the guy had no symptoms.  She passed it to her boyfriend who diagnosed positive but had no symptoms.

Better safe than sorry.

I am 100% going to get tested

Cute-Frog339 Member

Cute-Frog339

Posted
Posted (edited)

[ ] 

Do the right thing, and tell him the truth.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted

In your gut, you know what to do.

Having feelings of guilt and awful, that's already a potential secret wall that's built up between you and the one person in the world with whom you want to be a true closest friend. 

While some men won't care, the man you have been dating for several months might not be one of them.

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NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

Posted
Posted

I would tell the guy if and when an exclusivity talk comes up.   There are often threads around these boards where someone discovers that their partner was with someone in their early dating days and it usually is a huge bombshell.

I'm afraid though if you haven't "got there yet" after 5 months,  there are reasons ...  I try not to project too much but I've been around a long time and lots of relationships including a marriage.  I can't really even wrap my mind around not knowing whether I wanted a committed relationship with a person far before 5 months in.  

Also, "back in the day," there wasn't necessarily going to be an "exclusivity talk."  It was generally assume that after a certain amount of time had passed and milestones reached, it either was, or was not.   

Anyway I don't want you to feel worse than you do.  I don't think you did anything horrible but there may be consequences.  

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