Vforr847 Posted December 21, 2022 Posted December 21, 2022 I(20) have been dating this amazing guy(23) for 5 months and I really like him. We are not exclusive right now but it is quickly going in that direction. A friend of mine rented a cabin last weekend. I invited the guy I have been seeing, but he couldn't come so I went by myself. There is a guy(27) who came who is friends with my friend's bf. He has always liked me but I never had any romantic interest in him. We are friends but that is it and he has always got on my nerves tbh. That Saturday when we got back to the cabin we all started drinking. A few of us took pills that another friend had brought. None of us are addicts or anything but occasionally do something. Past a certain point I don't remember a lot. I have like 2 blurry memories of that night. It was obvious we hooked up. He tried to talk to me about it in the morning and I pretty much told him that I don't want to know. Friends asked me what happened and I told them nothing happened. I feel really guilty and feel awful about the situation. Should I tell him or keep it to myself? The only reason this happened was alcohol.
basil67 Posted December 21, 2022 Posted December 21, 2022 You're not exclusive with the guy you're seeing, so the only reason he'd need to know would be if your actions would put him at risk of an STD.
Wiseman2 Posted December 21, 2022 Posted December 21, 2022 5 minutes ago, Vforr847 said: we got back to the cabin we all started drinking. A few of us took pills. It was obvious we hooked up. Since you are not exclusive, keep it to yourself. No good comes of these types of confessions. Feeling bad about a hookup under the influence is not uncommon. While regrettable, there's nothing to do now to undo it. So let the dust settle. You may want to have the exclusive talk if you have been seeing each other 5 mos. Unless you want to pursue things with cabin guy. Then rethink things. 2
poppyfields Posted December 21, 2022 Posted December 21, 2022 (edited) What reason would you have for telling him? You are not exclusive, so there is no reason to tell him, other than perhaps you want to stir some jealousy and/or push him towards asking you to be exclusive? You would not be the first woman to do this. It's likely to backfire though so I vote for NOT telling him. Going forward, if you feel this badly or guilty, don't drink or take pills and place yourself in situations like this. Behave responsibly and with integrity and have respect for the man you're dating and your relationship. Edited December 21, 2022 by poppyfields 3
Author Vforr847 Posted December 21, 2022 Author Posted December 21, 2022 5 minutes ago, poppyfields said: What reason would you have for telling him? You are not exclusive, so there is no reason to tell him, other than perhaps you want to stir some jealousy and/or push him towards asking you to be exclusive? You would not be the first woman to do this. It's likely to backfire though so I vote for NOT telling him. Going forward, if you feel this badly or guilty, don't drink or take pills and place yourself in situations like this. Behave responsibly and with integrity and have respect for the man you're dating and your relationship. No it is nothing like that. I just feel horrible about the whole thing and we are going in a serious direction so I really regret what happened.
basil67 Posted December 21, 2022 Posted December 21, 2022 Telling your (not quite) boyfriend will only serve to make him feel horrible too. This thing about feeling horrible, it's how we learn from our mistakes. So keep it to yourself, but don't forget the learning experience 2
poppyfields Posted December 21, 2022 Posted December 21, 2022 8 minutes ago, Vforr847 said: I just feel horrible about the whole thing and we are going in a serious direction so I really regret what happened. Okay, so what purpose would telling him serve? Make you feel less guilty? Less horrible? If so, I have never understood that mindset. Telling him won't alleviate your guilt or how horrible you're feeling. The only thing telling him will accomplish is now you have succeeded in hurting him, possibly losing his trust and making HIM feel horrible too. There is a lesson to be learned from this, THAT is the takeaway. 2
glows Posted December 21, 2022 Posted December 21, 2022 It’s fine to keep it to yourself. Do you worry he’ll find out later and become bitter or upset? It’s generally understood that unless a couple are exclusively dating there’s no obligation to remain monogamous. Is there some other context missing here? 2
Author Vforr847 Posted December 21, 2022 Author Posted December 21, 2022 4 minutes ago, glows said: It’s fine to keep it to yourself. Do you worry he’ll find out later and become bitter or upset? It’s generally understood that unless a couple are exclusively dating there’s no obligation to remain monogamous. Is there some other context missing here? I do slightly worry he could find out later since this guy is in my circle of friends. I feel like I have broken some unspoken rule between the 2 of us even though we aren't official. It would probably be a bad idea to tell him though, you guys are right. I also intend to watch my alcohol intake closer. It is not worth it at all.
Alpacalia Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 Do you want to be exclusive? The danger I see with keeping it secret is that if your relationship does get serious after a while and you stop contact with your other love interests or if this should happen again , your boyfriend might still find out accidentally that while he was busy falling in love with you, you were busy snogging other men. That will irreparably destroy the trust he has for you. Why build a relationship on a weak foundation? It's really not worth the trouble. If you are heading into a long-term relationship with him it is essential for you to be able to talk to him about your relationship and what the rules and boundaries will be for you two if you want to have a mature relationship that is built on trust and communication rather than assumption and misunderstandings. 1
BaileyB Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 (edited) 7 hours ago, Vforr847 said: I feel like I have broken some unspoken rule between the 2 of us even though we aren't official. Most people who are not official but want to build a relationship with another do not generally have sex with other people. There is a high probability that this kind of behavior would be frowned upon by the guy with whom you are hoping to be in a relationship - That said, I’m concerned about the fact that you are accepting responsibility for hooking up with another man when you were highly inebriated and not able to consent. You are responsible for the fact that you made decisions that put you in a highly vulnerable situation, and that is all. I hope you never do that again. Edited December 22, 2022 by BaileyB 2
glows Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 10 hours ago, Vforr847 said: I do slightly worry he could find out later since this guy is in my circle of friends. I feel like I have broken some unspoken rule between the 2 of us even though we aren't official. It would probably be a bad idea to tell him though, you guys are right. I also intend to watch my alcohol intake closer. It is not worth it at all. Is there any reason why you’re not exclusive by now in the first place? Is it moving at a snail’s pace or are there any other issues? Do you really not remember anything or is it a case of selective memory and denial (ie you know what happened and just don’t want to talk about it with your friend)? 3
Weezy1973 Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 28 minutes ago, glows said: Is there any reason why you’re not exclusive by now in the first place? Is it moving at a snail’s pace or are there any other issues? Yeah this stood out to me too. Five months is a long time to head in the direction of getting serious without being exclusive. 5
stillafool Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 You don't have to tell your bf but do get tested before you have sex with him again. It would be horrible for him to find out about this through some nasty STD. 5
Author Vforr847 Posted December 22, 2022 Author Posted December 22, 2022 I don’t remember the sexual stuff at all I just know it happened. So I just don’t know how it happened. I could have been into it or not, idk. I would rather not know the details though. we are moving in the direction of being exclusive. He was gone for 2 months during our 5 months of dating so it just hasn’t happened yet. I will get tested.
smackie9 Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 I have a feeling the guy your dating is already under the impression you two are exclusively dating. Not everyone has that talk and just assume by your actions and the way things have been going. Telling this guy he would most likely dump you flat....if he finds out, well the same results may apply. Think about it, how would you feel if he slept with someone else? I know everyone stands by this "well were are not official" BUT it does hurt to know that the person you are wanting to be serious with had sex with someone else or with others. Now if you had a discussion before hand stipulating you both are free to sleep with others until it becomes official, that would be a different matter. What also might be an issue is that you were drinking and taking pills, then lost all control. This guy would never trust you when you go out with your friends for fear this would happen again. This type of risk taking, even if you are not a regular user is dangerous, and there can be consequences. Getting an STD would be the least of your problems. 3 1
glows Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 12 minutes ago, Vforr847 said: I don’t remember the sexual stuff at all I just know it happened. So I just don’t know how it happened. I could have been into it or not, idk. I would rather not know the details though. we are moving in the direction of being exclusive. He was gone for 2 months during our 5 months of dating so it just hasn’t happened yet. I will get tested. I think if it continues to bother you then be open about it and prepared that the relationship will end. You can’t have your cake and eat it too - peace of mind if you’re bothered and the relationship as well if it’s his choice to end it. There’s some gray area here. Do what you think is right for you. Perhaps this relationship isn’t what you want or need right now. 1
Beachead Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 (edited) @Vforr847 18 hours ago, Vforr847 said: No it is nothing like that. I just feel horrible about the whole thing and we are going in a serious direction so I really regret what happened. There's no need to volunteer this information if you're not exclusive with the guy you like. If you were exclusive, then that would be a different matter, but right now you are not, so I think you're okay. It's alright. Having said that, it seems like the situation has made you realize that you're ready to talk to the guy you like about exclusivity, so broach the topic with him and see what comes out of it. 5 months is enough time to have a good idea of whether you both want to take it a step further or not. You'll get your answer in the conversation or in the months that follow after the conversation. Goodluck - Feather Edited December 22, 2022 by MisterFeather 1
Author Vforr847 Posted December 22, 2022 Author Posted December 22, 2022 52 minutes ago, MisterFeather said: @Vforr847 There's no need to volunteer this information if you're not exclusive with the guy you like. If you were exclusive, then that would be a different matter, but right now you are not, so I think you're okay. It's alright. Having said that, it seems like the situation has made you realize that you're ready to talk to the guy you like about exclusivity, so broach the topic with him and see what comes out of it. 5 months is enough time to have a good idea of whether you both want to take it a step further or not. You'll get your answer in the conversation or in the months that follow after the conversation. Goodluck - Feather That is probably the best course of action. See where we stand and go from there. getting that messed up was one of the dumbest decisions I have made in a long time
Author Vforr847 Posted December 22, 2022 Author Posted December 22, 2022 22 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I still say, if you were so inebriated that you don’t remember it and you don’t know if you were into it - that is not consent. I’m sorry this happened to you. Do you think I should try to talk to the guy and find out?
hmmhmmm2 Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 (edited) [ ] the vibe I'm getting is that you're not exclusive but you want to be exclusive, because you are more concerned about this one guy. My suggestion would be to bring up your relationship status with the guy you like, and if he says he wants to be exclusive, then I might bring up what happened. If he says he doesn't want to be exclusive, then you pretty much have you answer that he isn't as interested in you as you are in him. Edited December 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Off topic 3
stillafool Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 2 hours ago, Vforr847 said: I don’t remember the sexual stuff at all I just know it happened. If you don't remember how do you know it happened at all? 3
BaileyB Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 (edited) 7 hours ago, Vforr847 said: Do you think I should try to talk to the guy and find out? I wouldn’t. You could possibly file charges. If you intend to do that, you will need to go to emerg and be examined for evidence. You will need to follow up with your physician either way - to ensure that you don’t have an std or you are not pregnant (depending on whatever birth control you may/may not be using). I’m not trying to make this more than it is, but men should not be having sex with women who are too intoxicated to consent. If they are, that is sexual assault by my definition. Whether you want to explore the legal consequences of the situation is your decision. Edited December 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator off topic 2
Author Vforr847 Posted December 22, 2022 Author Posted December 22, 2022 12 minutes ago, stillafool said: If you don't remember how do you know it happened at all? Slept in the same bed, no clothes, and sore
LynneVicious Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 (edited) Op, before you open the can of worms regarding sexual assault, it sounds like you were all drinking and taking pills. Was the friend you slept with drinking and taking pills as well? If you were both intoxicated, then you should chalk this up to poor decision making and put it behind you. Don’t put yourself in that situation again. [ ] In any case, you and the guy you’re dating should talk about where you are in the relationship so the lines aren’t blurred any longer. Edited December 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Clean up as per directive 4
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