How did I end up here?

[Jaynie07]

51 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This is the end result of choosing to get involved with a married person.  They rarely if ever leave their spouse for the affair partner.  Yours has the easiest way out of his marriage but yet says it's hard to leave.  He has no kids, mortgage or anything tied to her except his heart.  If he doesn't leave now it's never going to happen.  Hopefully it won't be years before you realize that while watching your chances for marriage and a family pass by that would have been with someone else.  I'm curious what do you want from LoveShack since you're intent on staying in this affair?

I just wanted to air my thoughts really and discuss it with people who are or have been in a similar situation, as it’s not the type of topic that I can discuss with people close to me.

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, Jaynie07 said:

 I wish I could stop

If this is genuinely true, then you can indeed stop and you know what to do.

IF you have limerence (see link below) for him, then it will a lot tougher and possibly very psychologically stressful. Nonetheless it's possible to end things with him sooner or later. Limerence eventually fades, although it will typically take at least several months.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

Walking away can indeed be easier said than done. Nevertheless, ultimately it's you keeping you in this.

Edited December 22, 2022 by mark clemson

[NuevoYorko]

13 hours ago, stillafool said:

 I'm not sure how you become friends with a random MM who hits on you at a bar.

Right.  That's not actually something that happens in real life.  I mean,  the word "friend" has a definition and this isn't it.

[NuevoYorko]

8 hours ago, Jaynie07 said:

I’d just be comparing everyone else to him.

I doubt it.  You've actually seen this fellow a maximum of 7 times.  You'll be surprised how quickly you'd get over it if you chose to move on.  There's not much binding the two of you together.  

Edited December 22, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[BaileyB]

40 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I doubt it.  You've actually seen this fellow a maximum of 7 times.  You'll be surprised how quickly you'd get over it if you chose to move on.  There's not much binding the two of you together.  

No, there is not much binding them together but most women get really attached to the fantasy they have created about the man/the relationship. It’s like one poster says - MM doesn’t have to do much, express interest, offer a few compliments and some validation, maybe whisper a few I love you’s and I want to be with you forever’s… and the women tend to take it from there - building a fantasy that for many is really difficult to let go. 

I sense this is what’s happened here, there is a lot of “fantasy talk.” Ie. I have never had this connection with another man, I can’t end it because I’m already “too in love with him,” I will compare everyone else to this man. The reality is, he was a newly MM who picked up a woman in a bar. Most women would have told him to keep walking, but for some reason OP developed a friendship with this guy… and now, he is lying to both his wife and OP. If this affair was to end tomorrow, highly likely that he would be picking up another woman at another bar before too long… why do I say that? Because, a man of strong character does not pick up another woman at a bar before he even receives and hangs the photos from his wedding. 

 

Edited December 22, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

17 hours ago, Jaynie07 said:

I wish I’d never gotten into this situation.

The good news Jaynie - you can get yourself out of this situation anytime… tomorrow, if you decide to end it. 

But don’t do it without support. Get yourself some counselling if you can. You will need to find a way to cope when you end contact with this man. You will need to have a plan, because you will have time on your hands if you are not texting. You will need to redirect your mental energy, such that you don’t ruminate and romanticize the relationship.  You will want to explore boundaries, and how to deal with the loneliness, and figure out what kind is things you want/values are important to you as you search for another relationship and look toward the future… Counselling would be the single best thing you could do for yourself right now.

Edited December 22, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Jaynie07 said:

 it’s not the type of topic that I can discuss with people close to me.

Exactly. And sadly, this type of isolation and shame further the loneliness that led you down this dark path initially.

What you could do is get an evaluation of your physical and mental health, get some tests done and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. 

This way, if there is underlying depression, anxiety or other issues,it can be treated and you can confide in a therapist who could help you find a way out of this dark lonely place.

[glows]

He says he wants to be with you but lives 3 hours away. I mean.. really. 

I understand you’re both caught up in an exciting fantasy long distance romance and no one knows. It’s sparky and fun and he and you can have secret conversations but when all is said and done this just seems like a pen pal situation. 

My questions are - wouldn’t you get bored eventually? There isn’t any sex or too little in an ldr? Would you ever know who he is living so far away? How do you vet what he says if you can’t see him in person or meet him where he works regularly or where he lives? He could be a total scam. Who even is this guy? Consider that it’s exciting and fun because you may not know too much about him.

Edited December 22, 2022 by glows

[Jaynie07]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. And sadly, this type of isolation and shame further the loneliness that led you down this dark path initially.

What you could do is get an evaluation of your physical and mental health, get some tests done and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. 

This way, if there is underlying depression, anxiety or other issues,it can be treated and you can confide in a therapist who could help you find a way out of this dark lonely place.

Thank you, that’s really good advice, I really appreciate that x

[Jaynie07]

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The good news Jaynie - you can get yourself out of this situation anytime… tomorrow, if you decide to end it. 

But don’t do it without support. Get yourself some counselling if you can. You will need to find a way to cope when you end contact with this man. You will need to have a plan, because you will have time on your hands if you are not texting. You will need to redirect your mental energy, such that you don’t ruminate and romanticize the relationship.  You will want to explore boundaries, and how to deal with the loneliness, and figure out what kind is things you want/values are important to you as you search for another relationship and look toward the future… Counselling would be the single best thing you could do for yourself right now.

Thank you, I’m taking all of these constructive comments on board, they’re so helpful, I appreciate it x

[Jaynie07]

14 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I doubt it.  You've actually seen this fellow a maximum of 7 times.  You'll be surprised how quickly you'd get over it if you chose to move on.  There's not much binding the two of you together.  

But we spend around 4 to 5 days and nights together each time. And spend hours on FaceTime every day, so it’s deeper than it seems.

[Jaynie07]

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

No, there is not much binding them together but most women get really attached to the fantasy they have created about the man/the relationship. It’s like one poster says - MM doesn’t have to do much, express interest, offer a few compliments and some validation, maybe whisper a few I love you’s and I want to be with you forever’s… and the women tend to take it from there - building a fantasy that for many is really difficult to let go. 

I sense this is what’s happened here, there is a lot of “fantasy talk.” Ie. I have never had this connection with another man, I can’t end it because I’m already “too in love with him,” I will compare everyone else to this man. The reality is, he was a newly MM who picked up a woman in a bar. Most women would have told him to keep walking, but for some reason OP developed a friendship with this guy… and now, he is lying to both his wife and OP. If this affair was to end tomorrow, highly likely that he would be picking up another woman at another bar before too long… why do I say that? Because, a man of strong character does not pick up another woman at a bar before he even receives and hangs the photos from his wedding. 

 

It wasn’t in a bar, I can’t say too much because it’s a very specific situation and easily identified but there’s a lot more to it than I can write on here. But thank you for your kind words, you’re the first person who has at least tried to see it from my point of view x

[NuevoYorko]

I'm not getting your point in posting this.  "Any advice?"  I'm pretty sure you can easily predict the advice you'd receive.  You're clearly not interested in it. You're doing what you feel like doing; if you want things to be different, you'd have to behave differently.  But you've been going to quite a bit of trouble to have this affair with an obvious creep.  It's actually rather outstanding that you met in a bar remote from where you live,  he told you he was married, and from there you went into a full blown affair.  Clearly you had a plan here, and your executing it.  So ... enjoy.  I guess.

[BaileyB]

People do understand your perspective Jaynie, we just have a very different perspective because we are obviously not emotionally involved.

If this was your sister or your daughter who was involved in this relationship, what would you advise her - knowing that he is married and that he is cheating on his new bride? Would you support the relationship? Would you tell them that this is a safe or healthy relationship for them? 

I think the fact that you can’t discuss this with friends and family tells you all you need to know… if you are ready to be honest with yourself. I don’t think you are there yet - someday, you will look back on this discussion and see things differently than you do now…

Edited December 22, 2022 by BaileyB

[Starswillshine]

Advise: "after darkness comes glorious dawn." End this relationship because it will not serve you in the future. It will hurt like hell, but it is better than dedicating years to a man who puts you in a box on the shelf to only take you down when it benefits you. There is no future in this relationship. Even if all the desires you want right now play out. Many women who have dealt with cheaters can explain the life of anxiety and turmoil you will feel being involved with this man- either in an affair or in a legit relationship. 

Though it seems as if maybe you hoping for advice to get precisely what you think you want right now. But honey, you don't want a cheater. 

Again, my advice is to run. To end this. To walk away. To go through the darkness for a moment in time to see that glorious dawn!

Good luck. 

[Jaynie07]

54 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm not getting your point in posting this.  "Any advice?"  I'm pretty sure you can easily predict the advice you'd receive.  You're clearly not interested in it. You're doing what you feel like doing; if you want things to be different, you'd have to behave differently.  But you've been going to quite a bit of trouble to have this affair with an obvious creep.  It's actually rather outstanding that you met in a bar remote from where you live,  he told you he was married, and from there you went into a full blown affair.  Clearly you had a plan here, and your executing it.  So ... enjoy.  I guess.

We didn’t meet in a bar, and it took a while before it turned into an affair. I fully appreciate everyone’s advice as this is the first time I’ve ever found myself in this situation, and it’s not one I’d choose to be in, I certainly didn’t plan it as you suggest. I did actually come on here for advice, even though some people may think otherwise. No-one could be harder on myself than I am on myself,

[Starswillshine]

46 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

but it is better than dedicating years to a man who puts you in a box on the shelf to only take you down when it benefits you.

Meant to say when it benefits HIM

[NuevoYorko]

4 minutes ago, Jaynie07 said:

We didn’t meet in a bar

OK.  "A night out."  The venue doesn't really matter.

Quote

and it took a while before it turned into an affair 

The man was a stranger, he told you he was married, and you said you started as "friends."  Single people don't generally start pursuing friendships with married ones that they don't know,  over long distance, unless ...

Quote

I did actually come on here for advice, even though some people may think otherwise

What advice though?   I mean you've already given yourself the only advice,  you said you "wish" you could stop.  But you aren't willing to stop.  So there it is.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Jaynie07 said:

This is the first time I’ve ever found myself in this situation, and it’s not one I’d choose to be in, I certainly didn’t plan it as you suggest.

With kindness, you did chose this for yourself. Another woman would have met this man, he would have said “I’m married,” and they would have said - “Enjoy the rest of the evening.”

Affairs don’t “just” happen. Like anything in life, it is a serious of decisions that bring you to the place that you are now. You chose to befriend a MM, you chose to exchange contact information, you chose to text and FaceTime with him every day, you chose to meet up, you chose to have sex, do you see what I’m saying… It’s not even one decision to involve yourself in a relationship with a married man - it’s a hundred different decisions, everyday for the last six months… 

You have chosen time and time again to disrespect his marriage and his wife (not to mention MM and his obligation and responsibility, as that is another discussion entirely). I don’t say this in judgment - only to demonstrate that these things don’t just happen - you have chosen every single time you text, or call, or meet, or have sex with this man - to engage in behavior that if discovered, would be very hurtful to another human being.

1 hour ago, Jaynie07 said:

No-one could be harder on myself than I am on myself,

If that was really true, you would have ended this relationship. The fact that you stay involved shows that the self benefit is worth more than the guilt/pain/remorse you feel. 

 

Edited December 22, 2022 by BaileyB

[Jaynie07]

On 12/22/2022 at 7:23 PM, Starswillshine said:

Advise: "after darkness comes glorious dawn." End this relationship because it will not serve you in the future. It will hurt like hell, but it is better than dedicating years to a man who puts you in a box on the shelf to only take you down when it benefits you. There is no future in this relationship. Even if all the desires you want right now play out. Many women who have dealt with cheaters can explain the life of anxiety and turmoil you will feel being involved with this man- either in an affair or in a legit relationship. 

Though it seems as if maybe you hoping for advice to get precisely what you think you want right now. But honey, you don't want a cheater. 

Again, my advice is to run. To end this. To walk away. To go through the darkness for a moment in time to see that glorious dawn!

Good luck. 

Thank you ❤️

[poppyfields]

On 12/21/2022 at 6:51 AM, Jaynie07 said:

It's a distance thing, he lives 3 hours away. He tells me he loves me all the time, and he says that he wants to leave, but makes no attempt to.

He makes no attempt to leave his marriage because he has no intention of leaving, he's bamboozling you, hello. 

However, IF he does leave to be with you, you can pretty much expect him to do to you exactly what he's doing to wife - chase other women and if they're receptive, cheat. 

Just as he's doing with you. 

I'm sure you're lovely but best to get it in your head that, despite the words (bs imo) he's feeding you, you're really nothing all that special to him, other than a way to create mental space in his marriage.  

The fact he chose you, a woman who lives three hours away, is also quite telling.  

It appears this man is averse to or fearful of commitment, and to alleviate the anxiety that causes, he uses other women to create distance  - mental distance so he doesn't feel so boxed in, suffocated and pressured by that commitment.

I mean isn't it obvious?  One MONTH into his marriage and he's cheating? 

Wouldn't be surprised if you were not the only one he's cheating with either. 

My suggestion is say goodbye to this man, and seek someone better. 

Edited December 24, 2022 by poppyfields

[pepperbird2]

On 12/21/2022 at 7:58 AM, Jaynie07 said:

Quick bg - am divorced woman with 2 grown up kids. Been divorced 8 years, in a very on/off relationship with a man for 5 years. Ended for good a year ago. 
 

Was still coming to terms with all of this when I met MM on a night out, he disclosed his marriage immediately, he had only been married for 1 month at this stage. He pursued me & I refused. Eventually, we started out as friends and became closer and it grew into an affair. This has been going on for 6 months now. They have no children together (2nd marriage).  We only see each other once a month due to distance but message all day every day and talk at length on the phone. He’s told me he loves me and wants to be with me, but I can’t ever see him leaving as he’s a newlywed. I’m not proud of this, I wish I could stop because the feeling of wanting & loving him so much, but also the feeling of being second best is killing me. I wish I’d never gotten into this situation. Any advice?

You wish you could stop? Then stop. You’re assigning far too much meaning and emotional depth to this knob. Think about it for a minute- what kind of man cheats on his brand new wife?

let me guess…he blames it all on her, “ fate “ or some other drivel.

[pepperbird2]

On 12/21/2022 at 10:51 AM, Jaynie07 said:

It’s a distance thing, he lives 3 hours away. He tells me he loves me all the time, and he says that he wants to leave, but makes no attempt to. I can sort of understand a man who has been married for years cheating, but it baffles me how a newlywed would do this. That’s exactly my dilemma, do I wait and see if he does & risk wasting time, or just carry on with him having his cake and eating it. I’ve told him I would never ask him to leave because that decision has to come from him and he says “never say never”

You sound like you’re actually okay with him.

[pepperbird2]

On 12/22/2022 at 3:03 PM, Jaynie07 said:

But we spend around 4 to 5 days and nights together each time. And spend hours on FaceTime every day, so it’s deeper than it seems.

No it’s not. You don’t love “him”. You love the fantasy person you have carefully crafted and cultivated. 
just as a couple of exercises to give you a bit of perspective. First, write down a list of every “good” thing about him you actually know it true.Not just things he’s told you that you want to believe. 
 

The second one ( and I know this may sound like an awful idea, but it can be helpful) is to prepare a letter to his wife informing her he’s with you and why you feel that is okay. Tell her all about your connection,the things you have done, what you’ve said to each other and why that makes you feel so strongly towards him. I’m not asking for you to have any empathy for her ( you don’t, which is understandable given you’re sleeping with her husband)  but to show him for who and what he really is. 

t)