Did my gf give me an unreasonable condition?

[ironpony]

On 1/8/2023 at 8:36 PM, CaliforniaGirl said:

It is reasonable of her to expect it of a neurotypical guy. She does not seem to understand the issues you're facing. 

Well I was thinking about it and what would be reasonable position for a girlfriend to put on an autistic guy instead?

[basil67]

4 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh ok I see.  Well my parents say the best thing is to live with them and save as much money as possible.

But if I move out they will be inclined to do not open minded about helping in other ways then.  Or maybe I could hire a paid support.

Yes, this goes back to what I keep saying:  Get an assessment done by an occupational therapist and work out what areas you need support.  Some of these could probably be addressed with training and some may need paid supports.  

Regarding your parents, they seem unaware that by not encouraging you to live as independently as possible, they are preventing you from living a full life.  

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well I was thinking about it and what would be reasonable position for a girlfriend to put on an autistic guy instead?

I think it's perfectly reasonable of her to want a boyfriend who lives independently.   From how you describe your life, it would seem the biggest hurdle you have to overcome is your parents not wanting you to move out.  I would imagine the rest of the issues could be helped with occupational therapy, assistive technology and support workers.  

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well I was thinking about it and what would be reasonable position for a girlfriend to put on an autistic guy instead?

My opinion is that you shouldn't feel she's putting you in any position. You should be doing these things because you want to and are able to.

[basil67]

28 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

My opinion is that you shouldn't feel she's putting you in any position. You should be doing these things because you want to and are able to.

Yes, this too.  A good relationship involved alignment of long term goals

[ironpony]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yes, this goes back to what I keep saying:  Get an assessment done by an occupational therapist and work out what areas you need support.  Some of these could probably be addressed with training and some may need paid supports.  

Regarding your parents, they seem unaware that by not encouraging you to live as independently as possible, they are preventing you from living a full life.  

I think it's perfectly reasonable of her to want a boyfriend who lives independently.   From how you describe your life, it would seem the biggest hurdle you have to overcome is your parents not wanting you to move out.  I would imagine the rest of the issues could be helped with occupational therapy, assistive technology and support workers.  

Oh okay thank you.  Well right now I have a behavorial cognitive therapist from before, if she could help in this area as well.

[ironpony]

3 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

My opinion is that you shouldn't feel she's putting you in any position. You should be doing these things because you want to and are able to.

I would like to do these things either way yes.  But I feel I also have to do it to have a romantic relationship as well.

Edited January 21, 2023 by ironpony

[ironpony]

How can I convince my parents that this is the best thing for me rather than seeing it a her being a bad or risky influenece?  As for the notion before that my parents would not believe that my therapist would tell me it's best for me to move out, she did tell me though now, when I talked to her about it, so can I convince them of it now therefore?

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, ironpony said:

How can I convince my parents that this is the best thing for me rather than seeing it a her being a bad or risky influenece?  As for the notion before that my parents would not believe that my therapist would tell me it's best for me to move out, she did tell me though now, when I talked to her about it, so can I convince them of it now therefore?

@ironpony, I've said this repeatedly:  You tell them that you need to learn to live alone now so that you're not left floundering when they are no longer able to care for you.

Also, I think you'll find the therapist supports your idea of you moving out.  This is a reasonable thing for you to tell your parents.   The thing that we advised you to not do is say it that it's "therapist orders" or that they say you "must move out"

One question for you: you say that you're wanting to move out mostly because of dating and relationships.  If you were to move out and your girlfriend ended up breaking up over some other reason, will you regret having moved out?

Edited January 26, 2023 by basil67

[ironpony]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@ironpony, I've said this repeatedly:  You tell them that you need to learn to live alone now so that you're not left floundering when they are no longer able to care for you.

Also, I think you'll find the therapist supports your idea of you moving out.  This is a reasonable thing for you to tell your parents.   The thing that we advised you to not do is say it that it's "therapist orders" or that they say you "must move out"

One question for you: you say that you're wanting to move out mostly because of dating and relationships.  If you were to move out and your girlfriend ended up breaking up over some other reason, will you regret having moved out?

No I wouldn't regret moving out if she left me, because then later on, I could use that place, if it's my place, to have other dates over in the future and maybe my dating would be more successful as a result, compared to how it's been in the past.

Edited January 26, 2023 by ironpony

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

How can I convince my parents that this is the best thing for me rather than seeing it a her being a bad or risky influenece?  As for the notion before that my parents would not believe that my therapist would tell me it's best for me to move out, she did tell me though now, when I talked to her about it, so can I convince them of it now therefore?

You getting to a point where you can live on your own should NOT be about your girlfriend or your relationship.  It should be about the fact that you are almost 40 years old and you need to learn to be an independent adult and not live with your parents forever.  Even if you were single, you should be working towards learning how to live on your own as an independent adult.  It should absolutely not be just because your gf wants you to.

[ironpony]

7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You getting to a point where you can live on your own should NOT be about your girlfriend or your relationship.  It should be about the fact that you are almost 40 years old and you need to learn to be an independent adult and not live with your parents forever.  Even if you were single, you should be working towards learning how to live on your own as an independent adult.  It should absolutely not be just because your gf wants you to.

I see your point there for sure.  But I feel like she could help me though so it it bad to accept help?

[ShyViolet]

15 hours ago, ironpony said:

I see your point there for sure.  But I feel like she could help me though so it it bad to accept help?

If she is there and helping you in some way, then sure that is fine and you can accept help from her.  But that still doesn't change what I said above.... she should not be the *reason* you are trying to learn to take care of yourself and be an independent adult.  You need to do that just because it's way past time to do that.

[ironpony]

That makes sense.  I want to take care of myself for sure.  I will move out.  But when I told my parents I was moving out they made it about her and her influence though, rather than about it being how it should be learning to live on my own.

[Lotsgoingon]

What do YOU feel about your gf?

It's OK to take some help from her. She's going to be able to do certain things more easily than you. That's fine. All you need is for her to talk to you with contempt. 

And if gf does a lot in the beginning, over time you want to take on more tasks or hire someone as earlier said!!!!

Ironypony, there will be some awkward and frustrating moments if you move in with her. There will! That's OK. As long as you know your project is a long term project of getting and better at being able to thrive in the world.  Sounds to me like gf sees your strengths and likes your strengths enough that any extra work she will have to do--especially at the start most likely--hopefully she has already faced that or thought about that.

So do your parents dislike your gf?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

 when I told my parents I was moving out they made it about her and her influence.

You mentioned she gave you an ultimatum. So maybe that's why they think that.

[ironpony]

51 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

What do YOU feel about your gf?

It's OK to take some help from her. She's going to be able to do certain things more easily than you. That's fine. All you need is for her to talk to you with contempt. 

And if gf does a lot in the beginning, over time you want to take on more tasks or hire someone as earlier said!!!!

Ironypony, there will be some awkward and frustrating moments if you move in with her. There will! That's OK. As long as you know your project is a long term project of getting and better at being able to thrive in the world.  Sounds to me like gf sees your strengths and likes your strengths enough that any extra work she will have to do--especially at the start most likely--hopefully she has already faced that or thought about that.

So do your parents dislike your gf?

Oh yes, I know that will be okay.  Did I give any indication that was weary about that though?

Well my parents think I am only moving out for her, but I want to do it for myself as well.  My parents like my gf but they seem weary of her influence though. 

Edited January 26, 2023 by ironpony

[ironpony]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You mentioned she gave you an ultimatum. So maybe that's why they think that.

Yeah but I have had previous gfs give this ultimatum as well, so it's starting to strike me that maybe this ultimate is normal, if other gfs have done it?

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

But when I told my parents I was moving out they made it about her and her influence though, rather than about it being how it should be learning to live on my own.

I think they are rightfully concerned about the influence of your much younger, also autistic, girlfriend.

Does your girlfriend live on her own and is she living life independently from her parents?

What the others have said is very true, you need to work toward moving out and living independently because it is in your best interest - not because your girlfriend has influenced you in any way. Note, I said “work toward” because most people don’t just decide one day to leave home. Most people learn how to manage their own finances, the learn how to cook and maintain a residence, they save money and buy the things they will need, they look for affordable housing, etc… do you see what I’m saying? It’s time for you to develop some of these things because the day will come when your parents are no longer able to support you - it is in your best interest to learn how to live independently while they are still here to offer guidance and support. 

[ironpony]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I think they are rightfully concerned about the influence of your much younger, also autistic, girlfriend.

Does your girlfriend live on her own and is she living life independently from her parents?

What the others have said is very true, you need to work toward moving out and living independently because it is in your best interest - not because your girlfriend has influenced you in any way. Note, I said “work toward” because most people don’t just decide one day to leave home. Most people learn how to manage their own finances, the learn how to cook and maintain a residence, they save money and buy the things they will need, they look for affordable housing, etc… do you see what I’m saying? It’s time for you to develop some of these things because the day will come when your parents are no longer able to support you - it is in your best interest to learn how to live independently while they are still here to offer guidance and support. 

Oh okay.   I can try to learn to manage finances more but I thought I was good at cooking though, unless I gave an indication that I am not perhaps though?  My friends and gf are always complimenting my cooking skills.  And I thought I was good at saving money as well.

My gf lives with a roommate currently.  But I don't see why my parents have to be concerned about her being autistic.  I mean dating is hard for me, so I thought my parents would understand that I probably would do better with an autistic woman compared to an NT one in comparison.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

I thought I was good at cooking though, unless I gave an indication that I am not perhaps though?  My friends and gf are always complimenting my cooking skills.  And I thought I was good at saving money as well.

Iron pony, I don’t know you at all. Those were just examples of things people need to learn before they move out - not intended to be specific suggestion for you. 

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

I don't see why my parents have to be concerned about her being autistic.  I mean dating is hard for me, so I thought my parents would understand that I probably would do better with an autistic woman compared to an NT one in comparison.

I agree. Again, I don’t know her circumstances, I didn’t know if she was living independently or anything about her strengths/skills. She is young and if she was not speaking from experience, having lived independently by herself, there would be reason to be concerned that she is not being realistic in her expectations. 

[ironpony]

23 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Iron pony, I don’t know you at all. Those were just examples of things people need to learn before they move out - not intended to be specific suggestion for you. 

I agree. Again, I don’t know her circumstances, I didn’t know if she was living independently or anything about her strengths/skills. She is young and if she was not speaking from experience, having lived independently by herself, there would be reason to be concerned that she is not being realistic in her expectations. 

Oh okay I see.  That makes sense.  Well my parents are also concerned about her age, but I guess there had to be a snag in the sense, that I met a woman who I have had much better chemistry with because she is austistic as well, the only snag is the age is quite different, but I guess my parents want me to have a perfect NT woman my own age, that will accept an autistic guy.  I guess I am kind of going onto a tangent, but just also trying to understand why parents think there is not going to be anything 'imperfect' about a gf.

Edited January 27, 2023 by ironpony

[kleaners]

I don't think it's an unreasonable next step in the progression of your relationship. However, it has to be something you want and are comfortable doing.

[ironpony]

Oh okay.  I am comfortable doing it, but then when people I know discourage me out of doing it, it tends to get me less comfortable, but I feel comfortable and want to otherwise.

Edited January 27, 2023 by ironpony

[spiritedaway2003]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay.  I am comfortable doing it, but then when people I know discourage me out of doing it, it tends to get me less comfortable, but I feel comfortable and want to otherwise.

Make sure you plan your budget.  Have emergency savings.  Start searching for a place that fits with your budget and give it a shot!  You won't know if you'll fail or succeed until you try. 

Only do it for yourself and when you're ready.  Don't move yet if you're not and you're pretty pressured just because your girlfriend asks.  Her request is not unreasonable.  It's a natural progression of your relationship, but most importantly,  just make sure it's what you want and that you're equipped for this change and that you're doing it for you.  Good luck!

[ironpony]

42 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

Make sure you plan your budget.  Have emergency savings.  Start searching for a place that fits with your budget and give it a shot!  You won't know if you'll fail or succeed until you try. 

Only do it for yourself and when you're ready.  Don't move yet if you're not and you're pretty pressured just because your girlfriend asks.  Her request is not unreasonable.  It's a natural progression of your relationship, but most importantly,  just make sure it's what you want and that you're equipped for this change and that you're doing it for you.  Good luck!

I think I can do it, it's just the timing of it which seems kind of soon for me.  Like I could use a little more time to look for places, rather than the condition she said, but maybe she will be okay with me taking more time to look, as long as I am looking.  However, others say I should live on my own first, before moving in with a gf.  But I thought living with an SO would be easier at least it seems to be for other people I know.