Did my gf give me an unreasonable condition?

January 7, 2023

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

While what she says is reasonable in the sense of her wanting a life with someone one day, it's not a realistic ultimatum in this situation. She seems to be a bit naive about the reality of things. Have your parents made arrangements for you to live independently once they can no longer help you?

Not when it comes to living arrangements that I'm aware of. They set up these retirement funds in banking arrangements for me though.

Edited January 7, 2023 by ironpony

January 7, 2023

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Then listen to them. They may have good points that need to be considered.

That's true but at the same time I was told before that if I wanted to have an SO, that no woman is going to accept me living with my parents, and that's the price.

I think that's why my last girlfriend 3 years ago broke up with me as well.

January 7, 2023

4 hours ago, ironpony said:

That's true but at the same time I was told before that if I wanted to have an SO, that no woman is going to accept me living with my parents, and that's the price.

I think that's why my last girlfriend 3 years ago broke up with me as well.

You have to respect your "reality" and not pretend it doesn't exist. Your reality is you need assistance, that will not go away. Your 22 year old girfriend has to be reminded of that. And i'm mentionning her age because l think she is too young to fully understand the situation. Her ultimatum shows that.

I'm not saying you cannot live on your own, i'm saying respect the fact you will need assistance to accomplish that , and your first line of assistance is your parents.

January 7, 2023

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

You have to respect your "reality" and not pretend it doesn't exist. Your reality is you need assistance, that will not go away. Your 22 year old girfriend has to be reminded of that. And i'm mentionning her age because l think she is too young to fully understand the situation. Her ultimatum shows that.

I'm not saying you cannot live on your own, i'm saying respect the fact you will need assistance to accomplish that , and your first line of assistance is your parents.

That makes sense but the last girlfriend I had that also had a problem with me needing assistance was close to my age so I don't know if it gets any better if they get older, or at least other people told me women my age would react the same way.

Edited January 7, 2023 by ironpony

January 8, 2023

On 1/7/2023 at 9:47 AM, ironpony said:

Oh well it's just I will be met with a lot of resistance so I just thought that if I could not talk to them the least amount as possible and maybe save it for closer to moving it would not be as much to deal with, drama wise.

This perplexes me. Have you asked them what they intend to happen when they pass away and you are left to fend for yourself?

January 8, 2023

On 1/6/2023 at 10:44 PM, ironpony said:

Not when it comes to living arrangements that I'm aware of. They set up these retirement funds in banking arrangements for me though.

It’s better to have some input from your parents about living arrangements and talk with them about moving out and gaining that independence. Do they support that or have they been reluctant to talk about it? How do they expect you to suddenly know how to care for yourself or live after they’re gone? Wouldn’t you want to know?

It seems a lot of the unknowns are contributing to feeling unsure and needing to create solutions for yourself like moving in with your girlfriend. Ironically you’re isolated even though you’re living with family. If things don’t work out with your girlfriend, do you expect to live with your parents again? Do you have any backup plans for yourself should things fall through?

January 8, 2023

On 1/6/2023 at 10:47 PM, ironpony said:

That's true but at the same time I was told before that if I wanted to have an SO, that no woman is going to accept me living with my parents, and that's the price.

I think that's why my last girlfriend 3 years ago broke up with me as well.

Unless you happen upon someone else with additional needs. That person would understand.

Meanwhile, if you're unable to live on your own then it seems risky for you to move out now. What if you just can't handle it but you're locked into a lease?

Do you receive SSDI? If not, apply for it. My son is autistic and intellectually delayed (I know you're not the latter) and so far our In Case We Both Die (husband and I) measures have included:

1. Applying for SSDI for him. Still has not gone through. It has been 1.5 years since we applied. It takes a while. Don't delay this. Get the ball rolling now.

2. Checking out assisted or joint living possibilities for people with similar abilities. Call your county. (Our son is a lifetime Regional Center client so we already have this on the agenda with his caseworker. It can take years to get a placement.)

3. Getting and maintaining a job (within SSDI limits) to see if you can. (My son works an hour a week so far.)

4. Asking your parents what they have for you. You said retirement. As in an IRA, something like that? You won't be able to access those funds without a big financial penalty plus taxes until you're I think 58 or 60. You need to know what funds you have that you could access now. (For our son we have a Special Needs Trust.)

5. Hire a special needs attorney. You NEED an advocate. Full stop. This stuff is complex and you could mess up otherwise. For instance, if certain assets are in your name you will not be able to get SSDI.

Protect yourself.

THEN start worrying about what demands some very young woman who has no clue about any of this feels like making on you.

You're 38. Your parents I imagine are 60+. Get your own ducks in a row first. Before girls, before moving out, before anything. Start right now. Find a FB or other group for autistic adults in your area for ideas on local attorneys, etc. to call. Anything could happen to your parents tomorrow, God forbid. You need a safety net and a way to survive when that sad day comes. And in the meantime, I wouldn't advise such a big risk as moving out just because some girl told you she might stick around if you do. IronPony first, girls second. Good luck!

Edited January 9, 2023 by CaliforniaGirl
Spelling

January 9, 2023

19 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Unless you happen upon someone else with additional needs. That person would understand.

Meanwhile, if you're unable to live on your own then it seems risky for you to move out now. What if you just can't handle it but you're locked into a lease?

Do you receive SSDI? If not, apply for it. My son is autistic and intellectually delayed (I know you're not the latter) and so far our In Case We Both Die (husband and I) measures have included:

1. Applying for SSDI for him. Still has not gone through. It has been 1.5 years since we applied. It takes a while. Don't delay this. Get the ball rolling now.

2. Checking out assisted or joint living possibilities for people with similar abilities. Call your county. (Our son is a lifetime Regional Center client so we already have this on the agenda with his caseworker. It can take years to get a placement.)

3. Getting and maintaining a job (within SSDI limits) to see if you can. (My son works an hour a week so far.)

4. Asking your parents what they have for you. You said retirement. As in an IRA, something like that? You won't be able to access those funds without a big financial penalty plus taxes until you're I think 58 or 60. You need to know what funds you have that you could access now. (For our son we have a Special Needs Trust.)

5. Hire a special needs attorney. You NEED an advocate. Full stop. This stuff is complex and you could mess up otherwise. For instance, if certain assets are in your name you will not be able to get SSDI.

Protect yourself.

THEN start worrying about what demands some very young woman who has no clue about any of this feels like making on you.

You're 38. Your parents I imagine are 60+. Get your own ducks in a row first. Before girls, before moving out, before anything. Start right now. Find a FB or other group for autistic adults in your area for ideas on local attorneys, etc. to call. Anything could happen to your parents tomorrow, God forbid. You need a safety net and a way to survive when that sad day comes. And in the meantime, I wouldn't advise such a big risk as moving out just because some girl told you she might stick around if you do. IronPony first, girls second. Good luck!

Oh, sorry. I didn't see that OP is already working full-time. So SSI isn't an option but the rest applies. Do you know where I would start if I were you? I just read that you have a Behavioral Therapist - is that right? Talk to him. (Or her?) Ask him where he honestly sees you as far as being able to live on your own right now, or in the future. Ask him where you should start with any assistance he recommends. We are reading intelligent words from someone we have never even met. Real life is very different from comments on a message board without face-to-face interaction. IMO, only professionals who have really worked with you are qualified to help you with this. Good luck.

January 9, 2023

Oh okay thanks. Yes I am working full time right now. I had a therapist I was seeing for sleep deprivation issues and I could ask her about moving out.

Well I could make contact with some attorneys on the matter if that is best. However, I did say I would give moving out a try this year, so I thought maybe I should still give it a try. I mean as far as learning how to manage money first before getting girls, I already got a gf, so maybe I am just forced to do these steps in a different order, under life circumstances perhaps?

One situation I can think of that is similar is my sister. She is not autistic, but she got married in her early 20s, while she was still living with our parents, so she had to get married first and then figure out the financial ways of life after, so I guess that's a similar scenario in a sense, even though she is not autistic?

I can also tell my parents I am thinking of moving out because in reality, like it was said before, women aren't going to accept a guy if he doesn't live on his own, but my parents seem to think there is a something higher to aspire to in life, than having a life partner, but what would that higher thing be that they are thinking, that it would not be worth trying.

Edited January 9, 2023 by ironpony

January 9, 2023

35 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay thanks. Yes I am working full time right now. I had a therapist I was seeing for sleep deprivation issues and I could ask her about moving out.

Well I could make contact with some attorneys on the matter if that is best. However, I did say I would give moving out a try this year, so I thought maybe I should still give it a try. I mean as far as learning how to manage money first before getting girls, I already got a gf, so maybe I am just forced to do these steps in a different order, under life circumstances perhaps?

One situation I can think of that is similar is my sister. She is not autistic, but she got married in her early 20s, while she was still living with our parents, so she had to get married first and then figure out the financial ways of life after, so I guess that's a similar scenario in a sense, even though she is not autistic?

I can also tell my parents I am thinking of moving out because in reality, like it was said before, women aren't going to accept a guy if he doesn't live on his own, but my parents seem to think there is a something higher to aspire to in life, than having a life partner, but what would that higher thing be that they are thinking, that it would not be worth trying.

As far as your sister, is she autistic? Then it's really not the same. And I didn't mean don't have a girlfriend, I meant that this is your entire future you need to think about, so you need to put your meds before considering her demands.

January 9, 2023

1 minute ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

As far as your sister, is she autistic? Then it's really not the same. And I didn't mean don't have a girlfriend, I meant that this is your entire future you need to think about, so you need to put your meds before considering her demands.

I see. Well I guess the first step would be ask my therapist if I am ready and capable of living on my own then, and see what she says first?

But in the end it seems that I have two options here when it comes to a gf.

1. Every gf is going to want a guy to live on their own, so it's something the guy has to do if he wants one.

2. If I cannot live on my own and she leaves me, in the future, try only dating women who are also incapable of living on their own, so I won't have to worry about this being a relationship condition?

Edited January 9, 2023 by ironpony

January 9, 2023

17 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I see. Well I guess the first step would be ask my therapist if I am ready and capable of living on my own then, and see what she says first?

But in the end it seems that I have two options here when it comes to a gf.

1. Every gf is going to want a guy to live on their own, so it's something the guy has to do if he wants one.

2. If I cannot live on my own and she leaves me, in the future, try only dating women who are also incapable of living on their own, so I won't have to worry about this being a relationship condition?

I don't know about every girlfriend. Probably most. Or many. You can't guarantee this being a problem or not being one, so I'd say, just get your life together the best way you can, live happy, and *if* someone breaks up with you because of one condition or another, then so be it, move on.

That may sound simple, but there is no one thing that will make every single woman leave, and there is no one condition that would make every woman stay. Do you see what I mean? Every woman is different. And you have a non-typical situation. If you comply with this condition, before you are prepared, what will be the next condition? And the next?

January 9, 2023

I see what you mean but I am not some casanova that is going to have women at my feet that I can just live with my parents till who knows when, and I am bound to find one that will be fine with it though.

Plus it was also said on here before that her condition was reasonable when I asked though, so it is so bad, if it's reasonable of her to expect that?

Edited January 9, 2023 by ironpony

January 9, 2023

57 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I see what you mean but I am not some casanova that is going to have women at my feet that I can just live with my parents till who knows when, and I am bound to find one that will be fine with it though.

Plus it was also said on here before that her condition was reasonable when I asked though, so it is so bad, if it's reasonable of her to expect that?

It is reasonable of her to expect it of a neurotypical guy. She does not seem to understand the issues you're facing.

January 9, 2023

3 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

It is reasonable of her to expect it of a neurotypical guy. She does not seem to understand the issues you're facing.

That makse sense. Should I try to convince her?

January 9, 2023

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

That makse sense. Should I try to convince her?

Hmmm. Well, why not just sit her down, explain what autism is for you, and maybe give her a link or two for more info if she wants it? But I wouldn't try to convince. Just explain that you care about her, you hear her, but this is a disability and you need to move out and be independent when you have all your ducks in a row to do so.

January 9, 2023

5 hours ago, ironpony said:

That makse sense. Should I try to convince her?

Just a few posts back, we were talking with us about getting help to make a plan to move out. Have you changed your mind?

The fact that you have additional needs does not preclude you from independent living - it just means that you'll need a bit of extra help.

Edited January 9, 2023 by basil67

January 9, 2023

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Just a few posts back, we were talking with us about getting help to make a plan to move out. Have you changed your mind?

The fact that you have additional needs does not preclude you from independent living - it just means that you'll need a bit of extra help.

Oh it's just that some people say I can't do it so I didn't think that I could, but I could try.

January 9, 2023

2 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Hmmm. Well, why not just sit her down, explain what autism is for you, and maybe give her a link or two for more info if she wants it? But I wouldn't try to convince. Just explain that you care about her, you hear her, but this is a disability and you need to move out and be independent when you have all your ducks in a row to do so.

I can do that. she's autistic as well so I don't have to explain too much to her I don't think.

January 9, 2023

21 hours ago, ironpony said:

I see. Well I guess the first step would be ask my therapist if I am ready and capable of living on my own then, and see what she says first?

But in the end it seems that I have two options here when it comes to a gf.

1. Every gf is going to want a guy to live on their own, so it's something the guy has to do if he wants one.

2. If I cannot live on my own and she leaves me, in the future, try only dating women who are also incapable of living on their own, so I won't have to worry about this being a relationship condition?

It's not about your gf or dating or even relationships [ ]

It's about gradually finding your feet and learning to live on your own NOW, when you have parents that you can fall back on IF you need, and you are relatively young and healthy. It's about not being completely like a fish out of water when you are 60 and your parents are gone. Independent living skills are not things that you can just snap your fingers and immediately get. They have to be learned, even for those of us who aren't autistic. For you it may take longer, which is why you need to start NOW, with professional assistance if you need it.

Edited January 9, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

January 10, 2023

23 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh it's just that some people say I can't do it so I didn't think that I could, but I could try.

I don't know who these "some people" are, but I'm confident in saying that you can do it with adequate support. Question is, will your parents work with you to help you find the supports you need to become independent from them?

I ask again, what's the plan for when they are too old to care for you?

January 10, 2023

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

I don't know who these "some people" are, but I'm confident in saying that you can do it with adequate support. Question is, will your parents work with you to help you find the supports you need to become independent from them?

I ask again, what's the plan for when they are too old to care for you?

They didn't have much of a plan other than leaving me money and the house. I think they would support me after I move out but will try to stop me during the moving process.

But then later realize that they can't stop me they might as well support me. At least I think that's how it will go.

January 20, 2023

On 1/10/2023 at 1:09 AM, basil67 said:

I don't know who these "some people" are, but I'm confident in saying that you can do it with adequate support. Question is, will your parents work with you to help you find the supports you need to become independent from them?

I ask again, what's the plan for when they are too old to care for you?

when you say you are confident I can do it with adequate support are you saying I will have to rely on money from the government to help with my low paying job, to pay the bills?

January 20, 2023

4 hours ago, ironpony said:

when you say you are confident I can do it with adequate support are you saying I will have to rely on money from the government to help with my low paying job, to pay the bills?

No, I'm talking about having people (either family/friends or paid supports) to assist you in developing skills or helping you with the areas where you struggle

January 20, 2023

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

No, I'm talking about having people (either family/friends or paid supports) to assist you in developing skills or helping you with the areas where you struggle

Oh ok I see. Well my parents say the best thing is to live with them and save as much money as possible.

But if I move out they will be inclined to do not open minded about helping in other ways then. Or maybe I could hire a paid support.

Edited January 20, 2023 by ironpony

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