Did my gf give me an unreasonable condition?

[basil67]

15 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well another reason why I haven't tried getting my own place, is because people keep telling me to wait for housing to go down because then I can use my savings to buy a house.  But I've been told this for quite a few years now, that housing is going to go down, but so far the opposite has happened and it's just gone up.  So I guess most people cannot predict the stock market, and if people tell me one thing is going to likely happen, I should just expect the opposite.

Also, why is it more risky if my gf is younger when it comes to our finances, as does that mean she may not be as good as planning with them you mean?  But if I need therapists, lawyers, accountants, etc, how do other people who are autistic live on their own?  Exactly with all that help?

Aside from all the other responsibilities as a home owner, have you ever been assessed as to whether you'd qualify for a loan?   Being on minimum wage may mean that you don't earn enough to qualify.  

Other people who are autistic and live on their own would have different levels of assistance depending on their needs.  And it would also depend how much or little government support is available for them.   With the assistance of your parents and/or social worker, you need to figure out what assistance you need, what supports are available and how to access them.  

I will also second @BaileyB's comment about Occupational Therapy.  The OT we had for our son to support him learning life skills (including giving us as parents and his workplace the knowledge to support those skills) was nothing short of lifechanging.   I know I keep going on about getting an OT, but from what I read, it would help you enormously.   

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Aside from all the other responsibilities as a home owner, have you ever been assessed as to whether you'd qualify for a loan?   Being on minimum wage may mean that you don't earn enough to qualify.  

Other people who are autistic and live on their own would have different levels of assistance depending on their needs.  And it would also depend how much or little government support is available for them.   With the assistance of your parents and/or social worker, you need to figure out what assistance you need, what supports are available and how to access them.  

I will also second @BaileyB's comment about Occupational Therapy.  The OT we had for our son to support him learning life skills (including giving us as parents and his workplace the knowledge to support those skills) was nothing short of lifechanging.   I know I keep going on about getting an OT, but from what I read, it would help you enormously.   

Oh okay thanks. Right now I am in behavioral cognitive therapy but I can ask the therapist about occupational therapy. Yes that's true I would need a higher paying job first before buying the house if I were to go that route

[ironpony]

Well I will just move out and do it in spite of my job paying a low wage, but how do other people do this and just say screw it and not care, or how do other people let the ends justify the means?

Edited January 5, 2023 by ironpony

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

Well I will just move out and do it in spite of my job paying a low wage, but how do other people do this and just say screw it and not care, or how do other people let the ends justify the means?

Other people do not "just say screw it and not care".   Or at least, they don't do it if they don't want to end up risking being homeless or unable to feed themselves. 

Instead, they look at their income and savings and figure out what kind of living situation they can afford. (buy, rent alone, rent with flatmate)  They do this by making a budget to ensure they can afford the essentials: rent, food, clothing, utilities, medical bills and activities.  If they realise that they can't afford to move out of home, they may find a different job or stay with parents for longer. 

If you find this daunting, you need to ask for help from someone who knows your local area and cost of living.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well I will just move out and do it in spite of my job paying a low wage

Responsible adults don’t say - “screw it! I can’t afford to live here but I want to do it anyway.” If they do, they end up bankrupt, homeless, and/or back home living with this parents. 

Edited January 6, 2023 by BaileyB

[ironpony]

That makes sense.  Well I was told I cannot afford rent on a minimum wage job but does this mean that everyone that works minimum wage does not live on their own then?

I guess I am just at the point where I will say fine I will move out, because at least that way people hopefully have confidence in me if I do, and I may more in myself if that's better?

Edited January 6, 2023 by ironpony

[basil67]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

That makes sense.  Well I was told I cannot afford rent on a minimum wage job but does this mean that everyone that works minimum wage does not live on their own then?

It all depends on the cost of housing where they live.  If housing is cheap, rent will be affordable.  If housing is expensive, they will not be able to afford it and as such, will have to share with someone. 

Quote

I guess I am just at the point where I will say fine I will move out, because at least that way people hopefully have confidence in me if I do, and I may more in myself if that's better?

Moving out with no plan and no budget is a very high risk proposition and likely to fail, particularly if housing is expensive where you plan to live.  Setting yourself up for something which has a high risk of failure will not inspire confidence in anyone.   YOU NEED A BUDGET AND A PLAN

Edited January 6, 2023 by basil67

[ironpony]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It all depends on the cost of housing where you live.  

Moving out with no plan and no budget is a very high risk proposition and likely to fail, particularly if housing is expensive where you plan to live.   YOU NEED A BUDGET AND A PLAN

I can try to do that.  However, it seems that if I want a gf in life or a wife, etc, I have to move out and there is no way around that.  Want an SO, move out and that is what I have to do in order to achieve the goal of keeping an SO, if that is understandable for on my part?

Edited January 6, 2023 by ironpony

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

That makes sense.  Well I was told I cannot afford rent on a minimum wage job but does this mean that everyone that works minimum wage does not live on their own then?

Who said you can't?

You certainly cannot rent a 2 bedroom apartment but you could rent a room and give a try at managing yourself on your own. 

You never lived on your own,  you don't know if you can make it work so you should not sign a lease. 

Like everyone said make a budget.

Your rent should not exceed 30% of your monthly income. That's where you start.

[ironpony]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Who said you can't?

You certainly cannot rent a 2 bedroom apartment but you could rent a room and give a try at managing yourself on your own. 

You never lived on your own,  you don't know if you can make it work so you should not sign a lease. 

Like everyone said make a budget.

Your rent should not exceed 30% of your monthly income. That's where you start.

Oh okay, well you say I should not sign a lease, but at the same time, you said I could give it a try.  But how can I give it a try if I do not sign a lease?

Edited January 6, 2023 by ironpony

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

I can try to do that.  However, it seems that if I want a gf in life or a wife, etc, I have to move out and there is no way around that.  Want an SO, move out and that is what I have to do in order to achieve the goal of keeping an SO, if that is understandable for on my part?

Of course it is understandable that you want to move out.  But first you have to budget and plan how you'll make it work.  Figure out where and how you'll live and how you afford it

[ironpony]

I can do that.  But even if I budget, my parents do not seem to understand that price I have to pay if I want an SO, since it means taking a risk.  Is there anything I can to do convince my parents, approach wise?

Or, if I cannot live on my own, the only option to have an SO is to date women who can also not live on their own, and need care, so they won't require me to do so, if that is better?

Edited January 6, 2023 by ironpony

[ironpony]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

 

I can also ask my therapist if I should move out also, and if she says yes, I could tell my parents that it's 'doctor's orders', if that makes them feel any better about it likely.

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well I will just move out and do it in spite of my job paying a low wage, but how do other people do this and just say screw it and not care, or how do other people let the ends justify the means?

Before you move out you need to be able to sit down and figure out exactly what your expenses will be each month and whether you will be able to afford it on your salary.  If you don't do that, if you think you can just "say screw it and do it anyway", this is going to be a disaster.  And no, I don't think you will be able to afford getting your own place on a minimum wage job.  You need to get a higher paying job and you also need to understand budgeting and be able to PLAN out what your expenses will be before you get your own place.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

I can do that.  But even if I budget, my parents do not seem to understand that price I have to pay if I want an SO, since it means taking a risk.  Is there anything I can to do convince my parents, approach wise?

Or, if I cannot live on my own, the only option to have an SO is to date women who can also not live on their own, and need care, so they won't require me to do so, if that is better?

This isn't just about having a partner, it's about learning to live independently.  And it won't be a risk if you have adequate supports to help you figure out where you can live and to assist whatever needs you have.   To be horribly blunt, your parents aren't going to live forever, so I'd ask them where you're going to live when they can no longer support you.   This conversation could then be directed into them helping you live on your own, but with the supports you need.

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

I can also ask my therapist if I should move out also, and if she says yes, I could tell my parents that it's 'doctor's orders', if that makes them feel any better about it likely.

Your parents aren't going to fall for that.

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay, well you say I should not sign a lease, but at the same time, you said I could give it a try.  But how can I give it a try if I do not sign a lease?

You need to search what's out there. Usually renting a room is a month to month lease. What I mean is don't get in a 12 month long lease. 

How about you start looking what are your renting options & make a budget before saying you're moving out.

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

Your parents aren't going to fall for that.

No. And considering that lack of planning here, I would say that they have a valid concern. 

[Alvi]

You should look into subsidized housing. You might qualify for that. The drawback probably would be you waiting a long time for something to be available, as I am sure they have a long list of applicants. 

[ironpony]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

No. And considering that lack of planning here, I would say that they have a valid concern. 

That makes sense but I could plan it out and then let them know if that's better.

[Gaeta]

30 minutes ago, ironpony said:

That makes sense but I could plan it out and then let them know if that's better.

Why hide it from them. Getting their guidance will be important. Start communicating to them your desire to try living on your own. 

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, ironpony said:

That makes sense but I could plan it out and then let them know if that's better.

Let’s just say, if I was your parent I would feel much more confident if you came to be with a reasonably well thought out plan and asked for my opinion/assistance…

Edited January 6, 2023 by BaileyB

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Why hide it from them. Getting their guidance will be important. Start communicating to them your desire to try living on your own. 

Oh well it's just I will be met with a lot of resistance so I just thought that if I could not talk to them the least amount as possible and maybe save it for closer to moving it would not be as much to deal with, drama wise.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh well it's just I will be met with a lot of resistance so I just thought that if I could not talk to them the least amount as possible and maybe save it for closer to moving it would not be as much to deal with, drama wise.

Then listen to them. They may have good points that need to be considered.

[Alvi]

Do you have any other relatives besides your parents? 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/20/2022 at 9:04 PM, ironpony said:

 if the relationship were to continue and function, she wants me to move out this year, either on my own, or in with her, otherwise she does not know if it's going to work.

While what she says is reasonable in the sense of her wanting a life with someone one day, it's not a realistic ultimatum in this situation. She seems to be a bit naive about the reality of things. Have your parents made arrangements for you to live independently once they can no longer help you?