Did my gf give me an unreasonable condition?

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, ironpony said:

I can try to do that. what do other people who have challenges living on their own because of disabilities due? just bite the bullet and move out with the help of social workers? I can try that.

There are various governmental programs (free of charge) that train those with mental disabilities to live on their own.  Google is your friend here, you can research those programs in your area.

Or you can contact any local mental health group in your area and they can direct you to your local services. 

I am curious what you think you could not handle living on your own?   

Pay the rent

Grocery shop

Pay bills

Doing laundry

Clean and cook

These are essential life skills, and not that difficult to learn.  I am a bit surprised that at 38 you are not doing at least some of these things while living at home.  Specifically paying your bills such as your phone bill, going grocery shopping, doing laundry, keeping your room clean.

If you can get up and go to work everyday on time, and function at your job, you can do these things.

My sense is one of your biggest obstacles is fear.  Fear you can't do it.   

Well you can do it, again it's not difficult @ironpony.

 

[ironpony]

Oh well since my memory has been poor I thought pay the rent and bills would the main one.  I feel I could do the rest, as I will notice when I am running out of stuff.  But even if I put stuff on a calendar, I keep forgetting to look at the calendar.  Plus I just don't understand certain things about banking and finances.

I do my laundry and cook and clean at home as well as a good portion of the groceries.

Edited December 22, 2022 by ironpony

[poppyfields]

On 12/22/2022 at 1:57 PM, ironpony said:

well since my memory has been poor I thought pay the rent and bills would the main one.  I feel I could do the rest, as I will notice when I am running out of stuff.  But even if I put stuff on a calendar, I keep forgetting to look at the calendar.

How do you function at your job?  How do you remember what tasks to do and when to do them?

 

[ ] 

Edited December 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
assumption

[ironpony]

Oh well in my job, I am given a new task about every four hours or less, so I do not have to remember for that long, compared to other things in my life, if that makes sense?

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh well in my job, I am given a new task about every four hours or less, so I do not have to remember for that long, compared to other things in my life, if that makes sense?

Very good.  They know you have additional needs and cater to that.  

Having some strengths and some challenges is really normal for someone who's autistic.  I hope you know this.  My son is a walking encyclopedia, but doesn't understand the concept of money, let alone bill paying or how much he has in his bank account.  A young teenage girl I follow on FB is an incredible advocate for kids with autism and is invited to present at autism expos, but she too has a terrible memory...and even the reminders don't always work.  Having strengths in some areas and deficits in others is very normal for ASD.  The trick is getting advice on the best way you can work with those issues.  I won't repeat the options because I've already mentioned them numerous times, but the help is there if you look.  Or if someone helps you to look.  

But don't ever let the fact that you struggle in some areas stop you from living a full life.  You've just got to find ways to work with those problems.  

 

 

Edited December 24, 2022 by basil67

[smackie9]

Your GF obviously loves you very much so why not involve her more in what you could need help with. If there is therapy for you to improve life skills, maybe have her involved with that too. 2 years is long enough, you need to really get your arse in gear.

[ironpony]

12 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Your GF obviously loves you very much so why not involve her more in what you could need help with. If there is therapy for you to improve life skills, maybe have her involved with that too. 2 years is long enough, you need to really get your arse in gear.

Oh you mean two years of dating is long enough, and should move in with her?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

, and should move in with her?

You don't have to move in with her if you are not ready, willing or able to, but you should be helping out more financially and otherwise if you spend a lot of time at her place. 

[BrinnM]

What is it about (your) autism that is limiting your abilities to live away from your parents? I apologize, I don’t know enough about this condition, and I’m assuming there are hundreds of “variations”, but I do think autistic doesn’t mean disabled, and many (like you) can hold a job, and live alone/with a spouse or partner? Some even have their own kids & families. I do see you’re forgetful, I’ve read that in this thread somewhere, but I mean, that alone can’t be it, right? And there are ways to help with that, too, especially nowadays, with millions of planning apps & reminder apps where you can set alarms and stuff.

Can you just try to live with her most of the time (not part-time, but like almost full-time), just to make sure it works? You’ll still have the studio at your parents’ place, so you can go there to do your projects, and spend the night, if you need space? Just an idea. 
As far as finances, I’m sure that can be worked out as well, based on income, hers and yours.

[smackie9]

14 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh you mean two years of dating is long enough, and should move in with her?

No that is not what I mean. You had two years to work to the goal of being independent enough to move in with her. Now get your arse in gear and get your issues worked out so you can.

[poppyfields]

@ironponythis is what I and would gather some others find confusing about your situation.

At your current job, apparently you were/are such a high achiever, you were offered a promotion.  This was stated in one your previous threads. 

Recently you posted what's quoted below re another job you are hoping to secure. 

>>saw a job posting for a job that I really want, involving audio mixing and editing, full time, and since I have experience in that, and went to school for it, I feel I could do it.<<

Perhaps it would be helpful to explain with all these great skills which require a relatively high level of intelligence, combined with your schooling and ability to learn new skills, what you find so daunting about living on your own?  

I understand there are various levels of autism but by all appearances you appear be high functioning.

I am thinking what is lacking here is not that you're unable to take care of yourself on your own but rather you lack the self-confidence that you can. 

As stated previously I think your parents did and are still doing you a great disservice by continuing to encourage your dependence on them.

As such, perhaps it's time to take matters into your own hands and take the necessary steps to become self-sufficient?

I am not suggesting this to hurt you, I think it's important.

I wish you all the best. 

 

 

 

Edited December 25, 2022 by poppyfields

[ironpony]

[ ] If it's just a self-confidence thing, I can try moving out then and see how it goes.  I thought my weaknesses were in the math and money management as well.  I just thought I could use a higher paying job first if possible, since mine is almost minimum wage pay.

[ ] 

Edited December 26, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[basil67]

22 hours ago, ironpony said:

[ ] If it's just a self-confidence thing, I can try moving out then and see how it goes.  I thought my weaknesses were in the math and money management as well.  I just thought I could use a higher paying job first if possible, since mine is almost minimum wage pay.

[ ] 

Self confidence comes with experience, or at least, knowing that you have the skills to do a certain thing.   So with bank accounts, would I be right in guessing that your parents manage your bank accounts?  At this point, I'd start by leaving them in charge of your savings, but have them support you to learn how to manage your everyday account.  Makes sure you can budget the money you receive vs the money you spend, including paying for your personal costs such as your phone.   If you can do that, then you're more likely to succeed with your money when you move out.  

But even if you can't manage your money, there is still no reason you can't live independently.  Perhaps your parents could help with with it? 

A higher paying job is always helpful for a better standard of living.  But a higher paying job also comes with higher responsibilities.  For example, I'm sure you'd have to juggle deadlines with the film job.  Is this something you can do?  

 

[Lauriebell82]

On 12/21/2022 at 5:32 PM, ironpony said:

I can try to do that. what do other people who have challenges living on their own because of disabilities due? just bite the bullet and move out with the help of social workers? I can try that.

I'm a therapist and know quite a bit about Autism spectrum disorders. It's not as simple as just "living on your own" or "biting the bullet." It's also not quite the same as some other mental health diagnosis such as Bipolar. Even with medication the condition can cause significant impairment in the way of daily living skills and social skills. I know several adults on the spectrum who live in assisted living faciilties once they move out of their parents homes. Adults with higher functioning Autism may or may not be able to live independently or live with a partner depending on where they fall on the spectrum and how significant their impairment is...plus how much support their partner is willing to provide.

One suggestion I have is to come up with a list of the things that your parents assist you with (perhaps with the help of your parents?) that may be difficult for you to meet independently and provide them to your girlfriend. Ask her if she is willing to assist you with these, as these are things you would currently need in order to function living with her. Providing your girlfriend with this very realistic information could give her a better idea of what she wants out of your relationship.

Edited December 27, 2022 by Lauriebell82

[Lauriebell82]

On 12/25/2022 at 6:24 PM, poppyfields said:

@ironponythis is what I and would gather some others find confusing about your situation.

At your current job, apparently you were/are such a high achiever, you were offered a promotion.  This was stated in one your previous threads. 

Recently you posted what's quoted below re another job you are hoping to secure. 

>>saw a job posting for a job that I really want, involving audio mixing and editing, full time, and since I have experience in that, and went to school for it, I feel I could do it.<<

Perhaps it would be helpful to explain with all these great skills which require a relatively high level of intelligence, combined with your schooling and ability to learn new skills, what you find so daunting about living on your own?  

I understand there are various levels of autism but by all appearances you appear be high functioning.

I am thinking what is lacking here is not that you're unable to take care of yourself on your own but rather you lack the self-confidence that you can. 

As stated previously I think your parents did and are still doing you a great disservice by continuing to encourage your dependence on them.

As such, perhaps it's time to take matters into your own hands and take the necessary steps to become self-sufficient?

I am not suggesting this to hurt you, I think it's important.

I wish you all the best. 

 

 

 

I can help with this. Individuals who have Autism have higher levels of intellectual functioning. It's a social/anxiety related disability, not an intellectual one. If OP is able to sustain a job and was able to complete school, then yes he is considered higher functioning. Some higher functioning Autistic individuals can live independently, some can't. It just depends on where they fall on the spectrum, and what exactly their condition is like. This is not to say that OP cannot live independently, it's just very difficult due to the nature of this disorder. 

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, Lauriebell82 said:

I can help with this. Individuals who have Autism have higher levels of intellectual functioning. It's a social/anxiety related disability, not an intellectual one. If OP is able to sustain a job and was able to complete school, then yes he is considered higher functioning. Some higher functioning Autistic individuals can live independently, some can't. It just depends on where they fall on the spectrum, and what exactly their condition is like. This is not to say that OP cannot live independently, it's just very difficult due to the nature of this disorder. 

I have a form of aspergers which falls under ASD.  I’ve lived on my own most of my post college life. I’ve been married before.

 

a big issue is how much have his parents tried to get him to do these things himself.since he’s bern living with them, he probably haven’t learned. Does he have the confidence to do this.

 

nowadays things like paying bills can be done via autopay systems. With smartphone you have easy access to calendar reminders.

[poppyfields]

30 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

nowadays things like paying bills can be done via autopay systems.

That is an excellent point!  

 

[BaileyB]

19 hours ago, Lauriebell82 said:

I'm a therapist and know quite a bit about Autism spectrum disorders. It's not as simple as just "living on your own" or "biting the bullet." It's also not quite the same as some other mental health diagnosis such as Bipolar. Even with medication the condition can cause significant impairment in the way of daily living skills and social skills. I know several adults on the spectrum who live in assisted living faciilties once they move out of their parents homes. Adults with higher functioning Autism may or may not be able to live independently or live with a partner depending on where they fall on the spectrum and how significant their impairment is...plus how much support their partner is willing to provide.

I am an OT and I agree with this. Individuals with Autism have many different strengths and weaknesses. One can perform brilliantly at work in a specialized field with/without support but still have difficulty with the social skills and life skills to live independently. 

There are a myriad of options to support individuals to live independently - ranging from group homes to an assigned trustee to assist with money management. Personally, I would be leery of having a girlfriend - particularly one as young as this woman - take over finances. That, to me, places OP at risk and I would strongly advise that you/your parents explore all options. Perhaps there is a way that you can live together and your parents set up a stipend that you will receive for bills and other living expenses? Lots to think about here, lots of planning to do and there are therapists, independent/community living associations, accountants, lawyers who could all be of assistance. It’s not as simple as - you have a job, you should be able to live independently. And it’s not as simple as - my girlfriend says we should live together, so I’m going to move out of my parent’s home.

Edited December 28, 2022 by BaileyB

[ironpony]

Well another reason why I haven't tried getting my own place, is because people keep telling me to wait for housing to go down because then I can use my savings to buy a house.  But I've been told this for quite a few years now, that housing is going to go down, but so far the opposite has happened and it's just gone up.  So I guess most people cannot predict the stock market, and if people tell me one thing is going to likely happen, I should just expect the opposite.

Also, why is it more risky if my gf is younger when it comes to our finances, as does that mean she may not be as good as planning with them you mean?  But if I need therapists, lawyers, accountants, etc, how do other people who are autistic live on their own?  Exactly with all that help?

[ironpony]

On 12/27/2022 at 2:31 PM, Lauriebell82 said:

I'm a therapist and know quite a bit about Autism spectrum disorders. It's not as simple as just "living on your own" or "biting the bullet." It's also not quite the same as some other mental health diagnosis such as Bipolar. Even with medication the condition can cause significant impairment in the way of daily living skills and social skills. I know several adults on the spectrum who live in assisted living faciilties once they move out of their parents homes. Adults with higher functioning Autism may or may not be able to live independently or live with a partner depending on where they fall on the spectrum and how significant their impairment is...plus how much support their partner is willing to provide.

One suggestion I have is to come up with a list of the things that your parents assist you with (perhaps with the help of your parents?) that may be difficult for you to meet independently and provide them to your girlfriend. Ask her if she is willing to assist you with these, as these are things you would currently need in order to function living with her. Providing your girlfriend with this very realistic information could give her a better idea of what she wants out of your relationship.

Oh okay thank you very much for your advice.   The only thing I can think of is that I find it difficult to do some of the home duties, since my life is work, sleep, work sleep pretty much.  But my memory problems have made that challening for me to, as I often forget.  Maybe we could arrange something there to make that part easier for us, if we live together.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, ironpony said:

But if I need therapists, lawyers, accountants, etc, how do other people who are autistic live on their own?  Exactly with all that help?

I don’t have autism, I still employ the assistance of an accountant and I employed the assistance to draft a cohabitation agreement with my partner when we moved in together. 

My suggestion was that you and your parents use these professionals to assist you in developing the skills required to live independently and the protections to be sure that you are safe. Occupational therapists and/or your parents can help you to learn certain life skills. Accountants and lawyers can be used to set up a trust if necessary.

Personally, I value my money too much to entrust it to a 20 something woman who I have been dating for two years - she is young and also learning about life. And, you have no legal relationship with the woman. I think it places you at unnecessary risk, if you don’t want your parents to manage your bills I would go about setting up day to withdrawals and figure out some kind of trust. That’s just me. 

[Gaeta]

8 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well another reason why I haven't tried getting my own place, is because people keep telling me to wait for housing to go down because then I can use my savings to buy a house. 

Being a home owner is a huge responsibility. It demands a lot of repair and maintenance & knowledge. It also can be a money pit. Every little repair will be on  you, no landlord to call when the toilet stop working, it'll be a plumber @ $125/hour. You'll have municipal tax, water tax, insurance, electrical bill, oil bill, snow removal bill, it never ends. 

[Els]

On 12/22/2022 at 12:57 PM, ironpony said:

Oh well since my memory has been poor I thought pay the rent and bills would the main one

Not sure if this is an option for you, but our rent and bills are paid through direct debit. Aside from unusual circumstances, I have never had to pay a bill manually for years.

Quote

Well another reason why I haven't tried getting my own place, is because people keep telling me to wait for housing to go down because then I can use my savings to buy a house. 

If you aren't confident enough to rent, you are nowhere NEAR ready to buy. You are going to be taken advantage of at some point by unscrupulous people, and will likely lose a lot of money, including perhaps your life savings.

You need to learn to walk before you learn to run.

Edited December 29, 2022 by Elswyth

[ShyViolet]

12 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well another reason why I haven't tried getting my own place, is because people keep telling me to wait for housing to go down because then I can use my savings to buy a house. 

If you don't have the life skills and independence to be able to live on your own (as a renter) then I don't see how you'd be able to handle buying a house.  Going through the process of buying a house is complicated, takes a lot of financial understanding and responsibility, the closing costs and all the things you have to do, working with a realtor, getting insurance, getting the house inspected/appraised before buying, etc etc.  And then owning a house is a huge responsibility and can be complicated.  You are responsible for all the maintenance, putting the garbage out on the correct schedule, getting insurance, paying all the bills, the real estate taxes, you can get fined or a summons if the outside of your property is a mess or hazardous, and not to mention *cleaning* which you say you "forget" to do.  I have seen people who are lacking in life skills and don't clean their house, and the place turns absolutely disgusting and dysfunctional.

Are you really being realistic?  Buying a house is not something to throw out there casually like "Oh I'll just use my savings to buy a house".

You need to see if you can develop enough life skills to simply live on your own as a renter first, without entering into a life-altering commitment like buying a house.

[ironpony]

19 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

If you don't have the life skills and independence to be able to live on your own (as a renter) then I don't see how you'd be able to handle buying a house.  Going through the process of buying a house is complicated, takes a lot of financial understanding and responsibility, the closing costs and all the things you have to do, working with a realtor, getting insurance, getting the house inspected/appraised before buying, etc etc.  And then owning a house is a huge responsibility and can be complicated.  You are responsible for all the maintenance, putting the garbage out on the correct schedule, getting insurance, paying all the bills, the real estate taxes, you can get fined or a summons if the outside of your property is a mess or hazardous, and not to mention *cleaning* which you say you "forget" to do.  I have seen people who are lacking in life skills and don't clean their house, and the place turns absolutely disgusting and dysfunctional.

Are you really being realistic?  Buying a house is not something to throw out there casually like "Oh I'll just use my savings to buy a house".

You need to see if you can develop enough life skills to simply live on your own as a renter first, without entering into a life-altering commitment like buying a house.

I can try that but I was just going over other people say when they say to buy a house.

I can try renting then for a period of time if that's best.  I just need a higher paying job first so I don't dip into my savings.  Perhaps my girlfriend will be willing to give me an extension until I found a better job.