Did my gf give me an unreasonable condition?

[ironpony]

I and my gf have been dating for a couple of years now.  One thing I have struggled with is my autism but I mostly get by here and there.  I'm 38, and live with my parents because of it and feel I would struggle to live on my own.  However, she says that she really loves me, but if the relationship were to continue and function, she wants me to move out this year, either on my own, or in with her, otherwise she does not know if it's going to work.

Do you think she has given me a reasonable condition and I should see this as a positive and go for it?  Or is this something to be concerned and worried about?

[basil67]

Yes, it's perfectly reasonable for her to want you to move in together - it's a fairly normal relationship progression.

However, from the sounds of things, your parents do a lot for you and haven't set you up with the skills and assistance required for living alone.   We recently discussed that your memory isn't great -  did you look at any options which may help?   Or have you asked your parents to set you up with a consultant/occupational therapist who could assist you with ways to help you become more independent?  

And what about your girlfriend's lost sex drive?  Do you really want to move in with someone who doesn't want much sex with you?

[ironpony]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, it's perfectly reasonable for her to want you to move in together - it's a fairly normal relationship progression.

However, from the sounds of things, your parents do a lot for you and haven't set you up with the skills and assistance required for living alone.   We recently discussed that your memory isn't great -  did you look at any options which may help?   Or have you asked your parents to set you up with a consultant/occupational therapist who could assist you with ways to help you become more independent?  

And what about your girlfriend's lost sex drive?  Do you really want to move in with someone who doesn't want much sex with you?

Oh well, I could ask a therapist if they can help with memory and become more independent.  I am seeing a therapist now about some career things, and can ask her about that as well.  My doctor told me the memory problems are from sleeping issues, and once I can get that under control, the memory problems should improve.  My test results for sleep apnea finally came back this week, so I am going to see a doctor about that now to see what can be done.

Her sex drive is back and really good the last few weeks and has been wanting to have it a lot more, and she has been really passionate in bed lately, so so far that is going much better lately.

 

[BaileyB]

While it is a natural progression in any relationship, I would be very concerned if you moved out of your parents home because your girlfriend told you to do it. 

If you want to move out, as basil said there are things you can do to prepare and protect yourself. Your parents can help you with this - I’m curious to know what they think of this idea? Is this something you have discussed previously? 

[ironpony]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

While it is a natural progression in any relationship, I would be very concerned if you moved out of your parents home because your girlfriend told you to do it. 

If you want to move out, as basil said there are things you can do to prepare and protect yourself. Your parents can help you with this - I’m curious to know what they think of this idea? Is this something you have discussed previously? 

I did not discuss it with them yet no.  They would probably give a surprised and concerning reaction when I bring it up.  But a friend of mine also told me that any gf is going to want a guy to live on his own or with them, so if I don't do it with her, I am just going to have to do it with any other one in the future, so I might as well do it now with the one I am in love with, if he has a point?

[Gaeta]

Does your gf fully understand your limitations?

Have you tried staying at her place let's say 1 month and see how it goes?

[ironpony]

I haven't done that yet.  Mainly I have a studio at my parents place, for filmmaking projects I have been working on, and it's hard to just move the studio into her much smaller place.

Edited December 21, 2022 by ironpony

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I haven't done that yet.  Mainly I have a studio at my parents place, for filmmaking projects I have been working on, and it's hard to just move the studio into her much smaller place.

Has she got space for your filmmaking studio?   Can you afford half the rent/food/utilities at her place?  

[ironpony]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Has she got space for your filmmaking studio?   Can you afford half the rent/food/utilities at her place?  

She does not have space for that in her place right now, no.  I am not sure if I could afford it on my salary in my day job which is barely over minimum wage, compared to her higher paying job.  I would probably need to make just as much as her to split the bills evenly?

Edited December 21, 2022 by ironpony

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

She does not have space for that in her place right now, no.  I am not sure if I could afford it on my salary in my day job which is barely over minimum wage, compared to her higher paying job.  I would probably need to make just as much as her to split the bills evenly?

OK, so you need to figure out the logistics and how you'll manage living out of home before deciding whether or not to do it.   

[glows]

It would be a concern if you both haven’t talked about these logistics together. The lack of information and feeling like you don’t know what you’re getting into is your gut feeling telling you you need to figure things out a bit more realistically together as a couple. 

Talk with her about the expenses, the studio and anything important that you need. You don’t want to get there and then find out you’re miserable because you’re not able to live freely, feel confident about yourself or feel hindered in any way by the living situation. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Her request is not unreasonable. Any adult woman is going to want a boyfriend who doesn't live with his parents. 

However, your circumstances are also unique. I can understand why you're still living at home. You should have a talk with your therapist and your parents about your real preparedness to live on your own. Talk with your girlfriend about what the living space and costs would be like. Then make an assessment about whether your're truly ready for this. It's a huge responsibility and one to take very seriously, even apart from the commitment you'd be making to her by living together. 

[basil67]

I have to reiterate previous comments I've made on your independence and living situation: You should expect to outlive your parents.  What is the plan for when they are no longer able to care for you?    Honestly, you should be setting up this plan now

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, ironpony said:

  I'm 38, and live with my parents because of it and feel I would struggle to live on my own.  

It's not whether it's reasonable or not, it's whether you can function independently enough at this time.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks for the advice everyone! I guess I should just bite the bullet and just move out and do it if that's the best way to do it as I will have to do it soon anyway?

[ironpony]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

I have to reiterate previous comments I've made on your independence and living situation: You should expect to outlive your parents.  What is the plan for when they are no longer able to care for you?    Honestly, you should be setting up this plan now

That's true. I am not sure. I'll just move been with her or get my own place which she can move into, and see how it goes if that's best.

[Gaeta]

8 hours ago, ironpony said:

  I am not sure if I could afford it on my salary in my day job which is barely over minimum wage, compared to her higher paying job.  I would probably need to make just as much as her to split the bills evenly?

No, I think bills should be split proportionally to our revenue. If she makes twice your salary and you split everything evenly at the end of the month you'll have nothing left while she has plenty left. It's not fair. 

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

No, I think bills should be split proportionally to our revenue. If she makes twice your salary and you split everything evenly at the end of the month you'll have nothing left while she has plenty left. It's not fair. 

This makes sense.  So should I try to get a job where I make at least as much as her therefore?

[ShyViolet]

The fact that you are 38 and still living with your parents, and don't even think you'd be able to live on your own is a major issue that you need to figure out.  What are you going to do if something happens to one or both of your parents and they are no longer able to care for you?  This is something you are going to have to face eventually.

Your gf's concerns are not at all unreasonable.  Most women would not want to date a 38 year old man who still lives with his parents and who doesn't even have a plan or the ability to separate from their parents.  However, the *reason* that you move out of your parent's house should not be simply because your gf said to.  If you move in with your gf when deep down you know you are not ready, it will be a disaster and you'll probably end up just moving back to your parents' place at some point.

You need to figure out your own life first, figure out what is stopping you from separating from your parents, and develop life skills to be able to take care of yourself.  This shouldn't be all about your gf.  

[Els]

16 hours ago, ironpony said:

she wants me to move out this year, either on my own, or in with her, otherwise she does not know if it's going to work.

I would like to highlight the bolded, which she mentioned as an option, and which I think is the better option of the two by far. I don't think you two are ready to live together, based on all of your previous posts about the state of your relationship... however, you need to start taking concrete steps towards moving out on your own. If you feel that your disability would make that difficult, then you need to start discussing your options with a medical or social care professional.

[Lotsgoingon]

Do you WANT to move out and move in with her? 

If the answer is yes, then you can put in place a process, and that process will be you learning to live away from home. That process might also be going to therapy, hiring a coach-therapist who visits you at the new location. You probably have to bring gf in on meetings with therapists because she needs to know EXACTLY your level of functioning.

Is gf aware of how you depend on your parents? 

Is she offering to step in and provide that support that your parents now provide? 

You guys probably need to try out spending a day or two days together every now and then  so you can see how you both would react. 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, ironpony said:

This makes sense.  So should I try to get a job where I make at least as much as her therefore?

We can't answer this.   You need to make short term and medium term plans with the assistance of a professional and/or your parents.  People who know your income, the cost of living in your area, your capabilities and the areas you need assistance. 

And this isn't just about living with your girlfriend - you will likely outlive your parents and you should be working towards being able to live away from them with whatever assistance you require. 

[poppyfields]

I would highly HIGHLY recommend living on your own, learning and developing essential life skills. 

This is something that should have happened ten years ago (or sooner) and I think your parents did (and are continuing to do) you a great disservice by not providing the proper training for you to do just that and allowing you to live with them and remaining dependent on them.

If you move in with your gf, you'd be replacing your parents with your girlfriend and as such would become as dependent on her as you are on them.

This would be a huge recipe for disaster and I don't envision your relationship being able to withstand that type of dynamic.

@ironponyI know people who have much worse disabilities than you, [intellectual disability] or even schizophrenia or bipolar who are able to function independently and live on their own.

My nephew is one such person.

With respect to your girlfriend's condition (ultimatum?), it's more than reasonable except to say again, please consider learning the essential life skills and living on your own.  It's necessary and it's time.

Good luck.

 

Edited December 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
offensive term

[ironpony]

I can try to do that. what do other people who have challenges living on their own because of disabilities due? just bite the bullet and move out with the help of social workers? I can try that.

Edited December 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[ironpony]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Do you WANT to move out and move in with her? 

If the answer is yes, then you can put in place a process, and that process will be you learning to live away from home. That process might also be going to therapy, hiring a coach-therapist who visits you at the new location. You probably have to bring gf in on meetings with therapists because she needs to know EXACTLY your level of functioning.

Is gf aware of how you depend on your parents? 

Is she offering to step in and provide that support that your parents now provide? 

You guys probably need to try out spending a day or two days together every now and then  so you can see how you both would react. 

I think it would be easier to move in with her sinceI would have someone to split the duties with, but I would probably be more ready to live on my own at first, but don't think I can do it as competently as with somewhere else though.