NuevoYorko Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 9 hours ago, Curiousgrl said: She plays sportsand hosts all the subdivision parties… I don’t feel like social anxiety is the issue… Sometimes it's bridging the gap between an online friendship and what that would look like in real life. Often online people share a lot of things and reveal themselves in ways that they might not ever do face to face. It's sometimes called "false intimacy," though I'm not sure it's necessarily false. But it might not hold up "in person."
Alpacalia Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 Quite simply, ask yourself if there is a mutual affinity, a mutual respect, and a reciprocity between you. In the most ideal of circumstances, friendships provide support, just as family relationships do. Friendships are unique because they are uncompelled. You cannot compel her to like you or to want to interact socially with you if she is not interested in doing so. There are few of us that will actually meet up with online friends/strangers in real life, so there is less concern about the "impression you have of her" than about who they truly are. Sorry to hear you're upset. A friendship is a voluntary relationship, and as much as we might like to be able to "force friend" someone, we can't.
glows Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 9 hours ago, Curiousgrl said: I feel upset because we’ve shared so much and been friends for so long it just seems odd she wouldn’t want to continue that in person. Or at least tell me why. Or maybe give some explanation. That’s why I’m upset. Eh.. people don’t owe you any explanation if they don’t want to hang out or talk to you about a certain topic. I’d explore this a bit more because it’s something you feel owed. Remember when I said in a previous post that all the things you listed were too much? You have to learn to dial it back and not overextend yourself to the point where you feel people owe you something for it later. That may be heavily contributing to this feeling of being owed - she owes you this or that or some explanation.
Wiseman2 Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 On 12/20/2022 at 3:14 PM, Curiousgrl said: . You lied to me for a year… why not take 5 minutes and be real. Sometimes to avoid confrontation, people say they're busy. That's ok. You'll have to let go of the idea that she's a close friend.
Wiseman2 Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 On 12/20/2022 at 3:14 PM, Curiousgrl said: . I asked her if she was flirting. She never answered my question. Then I kinda pushed the issues . She told me I was annoying and then basically ignored me. Were either of you interested in a same sex situation at that time? It's possible the "flirting" was off-putting, so let this situation die out and put it in the past.
Author Curiousgrl Posted December 22, 2022 Author Posted December 22, 2022 12 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Sometimes it's bridging the gap between an online friendship and what that would look like in real life. Often online people share a lot of things and reveal themselves in ways that they might not ever do face to face. It's sometimes called "false intimacy," though I'm not sure it's necessarily false. But it might not hold up "in person." Thanks that makes sense. So the in person is over before it starts because of that intimacy vs me thinking the intimacy makes the in person a no brainer. For her it maybe too much. The intimacy not translating over is what made me feel upset. But maybe I shouldn’t be. She had issues being direct anyways and anything with emotion.
Author Curiousgrl Posted December 22, 2022 Author Posted December 22, 2022 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Were either of you interested in a same sex situation at that time? It's possible the "flirting" was off-putting, so let this situation die out and put it in the past. She flirted all of the time… idk
poppyfields Posted December 22, 2022 Posted December 22, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, Curiousgrl said: She flirted all of the time… idk I have this one friend and if anyone were to see us together and how we interact and talk to each other, they would think we were in a romantic relationship. That's how women friends are sometimes, women in general are very affectionate, we love to give each other compliments, build each other up. One time I recall us telling each other when we were single how we would like to find the male version of each other, because we got on so well but are both VERY straight. My take is YOU were very attracted to her, you wanted more than "friendship" and were projecting your feelings on to her and assuming things she said to you meant more than they actually meant. Which NO DOUBT made her uncomfortable, hence her distance, telling you she found you "annoying," etc. That was YOUR cue to back off, not continue pressuring her to go to lunch. In any event, this is over and done, you've said your piece, time to move on. Enjoy the holidays and hopefully 2023 will be a better year for you. Edited December 22, 2022 by poppyfields 1
Author Curiousgrl Posted December 22, 2022 Author Posted December 22, 2022 4 hours ago, poppyfields said: I have this one friend and if anyone were to see us together and how we interact and talk to each other, they would think we were in a romantic relationship. That's how women friends are sometimes, women in general are very affectionate, we love to give each other compliments, build each other up. One time I recall us telling each other when we were single how we would like to find the male version of each other, because we got on so well but are both VERY straight. My take is YOU were very attracted to her, you wanted more than "friendship" and were projecting your feelings on to her and assuming things she said to you meant more than they actually meant. Which NO DOUBT made her uncomfortable, hence her distance, telling you she found you "annoying," etc. That was YOUR cue to back off, not continue pressuring her to go to lunch. In any event, this is over and done, you've said your piece, time to move on. Enjoy the holidays and hopefully 2023 will be a better year for you. I thought I missed something and that was why we were not having lunch because she was flirting and I missed it. I just wanted to be friends. We had what would have made a good friendship and I was very happy with that. I was just open to more if that’s what she was getting at because I figured why not. I just wanted to be friends. I was more perplexed as to why she kept bailing. She kept saying she wanted to… I think the person that said sharing via text is one thing vs in person. She has trouble connecting with others and it’s possible I picked up on her not telling me something and took it personal when it wasn’t personal at all. She was just insecure about something that had nothing to do with me. The first time she didn’t follow through I kinda wondered if I should have brought it back up. She kinda made it like she forgot and wished I had so I thought maybe it was like a test or something. It was literally nothing more than that. I did feel kind hurt and wanted her to be honest because for me that’s important. I’m pretty easy going and always happy so I doubt I put her off. When I told her I was ok with it if she was flirting she kept it up and made reasons for us to talk. It was just a really complicated situation. I decided to post and look for other perspectives because I wanted to make sure I was being a good friend and supporting her properly. I didn’t want to give up if she expected me to prove I’d be there for her. Which is kinda what I felt like she wanted. She’s kinda up and down and trying to find herself right now so my timing was prob off. For me it’s hard to not be there, but I’ve done what I can and I think there isn’t anything I can do to help her. The ball is in her court and she needs to decide what the future looks like to her. I did unfairly switch things up as someone pointed out above. Our friendships was one particular way for years and I got different expectations based on changes and experiences that happened this year in life for me. It’s not a biggie. Just end of the year and deciding rather to fill on block her and move on or leave the door open… it just is what it is and no one has the answer. I appreciate everyone’s help as it did make me look at some things differently. I was being a bit selfish in placing expectations on her. It was never about lunch. I just wanted her to be upfront and forthcoming with me. It’s important for me in someone I’m friends with. I totally appreciate the time I had with her if that was it. She made me think about a lot of things.
NuevoYorko Posted December 23, 2022 Posted December 23, 2022 You need to let this go. You've had an "online friend" for years. You have all the information you need to know it's not going any further. You've had the info for a while. Frankly you seem obsessed. Either lighten up or if you can't, cease contact with her.
glows Posted December 24, 2022 Posted December 24, 2022 On 12/22/2022 at 3:52 PM, Curiousgrl said: I decided to post and look for other perspectives because I wanted to make sure I was being a good friend and supporting her properly. I didn’t want to give up if she expected me to prove I’d be there for her. Which is kinda what I felt like she wanted. She’s kinda up and down and trying to find herself right now That’s some very twisted dynamics right there. It probably goes to show that she has issues that are likely too far out of your depth to help her with. Either she needs professional help to work through whatever problems are going on or you have got to stop creating these imaginary scenarios in your head or thinking she needs you. From her actions she’s showing you she doesn’t want to spend time with you and she doesn’t need you. She’d rather take care of herself. Go by someone’s actions if you’re confused. You deserve to be around people who don’t waste your time like this either and want to actually spend time with you.
Author Curiousgrl Posted December 25, 2022 Author Posted December 25, 2022 On 12/23/2022 at 11:54 AM, NuevoYorko said: You need to let this go. You've had an "online friend" for years. You have all the information you need to know it's not going any further. You've had the info for a while. Frankly you seem obsessed. Either lighten up or if you can't, cease contact with her. I only pushed the issue because I wanted her to own up to lying to me. I called her out right off the bat. I just had a lot of respect for her and we talked for so long. I felt like the dishonesty kinda ruins things. It was more about her being honest so if she just wanted to keep it to text then fine. But be honest ya know. So the more I pushed the more she lied and the more I think I realized it kinda isn’t for me. I think I was worried about the same chance there was a reasonable explanation. It just played out and I was looking for advice as to maybe looking at things another way. I stay away from people who feel they can’t be honest. I think putting her into that category was difficult because she generally isn’t that way and then maybe she was trying to spare my feelings but I would have rather had honesty. I was over it a while ago, just trying to see if I missed anything. Normally, I would not talk to anyone else if they did what she did. I guess she is no expedition. Some people had helpful advice. Like maybe sharing via text made her not want to meet as it’s not things she would share in person. And there could be some reasoning like that. Idk but kinda over it. If she wants to be friends she can work through whatever the deal is I’m really just over it. I have too many other things to deal with. I just wanted to close it up kinda thing.
Author Curiousgrl Posted December 25, 2022 Author Posted December 25, 2022 On 12/23/2022 at 7:38 PM, glows said: That’s some very twisted dynamics right there. It probably goes to show that she has issues that are likely too far out of your depth to help her with. Either she needs professional help to work through whatever problems are going on or you have got to stop creating these imaginary scenarios in your head or thinking she needs you. From her actions she’s showing you she doesn’t want to spend time with you and she doesn’t need you. She’d rather take care of herself. Go by someone’s actions if you’re confused. You deserve to be around people who don’t waste your time like this either and want to actually spend time with you. She’s had a lot of friends who become her friend and use her for status or to pin her for info to help others working against her. A lot of people have burned her. Or they get to know her to make problems for her. She has a strong personality. She’s had people destroy her property etc… and do some really awful things to her. She sometimes then doubts everyone around her. The last few years I think she’s kinda cut off everyone and just stays to herself. She either thinks she no good for anyone or people are out together.. it sounds crazy but people really did mess with her. They bullied her pretty bad. I guess I felt bad and felt like I wanted her to know I get it. I get the distrust I get her apprehension. People will go out of there way to do really shitty stuff. I’ve always had her back and I think she knows that. I think some of her resistance is her not wanting to make me a target by us associating so she maintains a distance. Which makes me feel Like s*** for pushing her. I can handle myself and am fully aware of the consequences. I really enjoy talking to her and it just seems dumb to not be friends because of external things that are really pointless. It’s something she needs to figure out. So I tried and I was genuine in my intentions and that’s all I can be. She wants to be friends it’s on her now. I think she does have issues and she has to worn through them so regardless it’s best for me to just be like whatever. I was just trying to see if there is another perspective I should be acknowledging. I really enjoyed talking to her, but dishonesty is kinda hard for me. Maybe she wasn’t dishonest and was perfectly honest but because of things she needed to work though couldn’t follow through. Regardless ball is in her court and I’m done investing time.
stillafool Posted December 25, 2022 Posted December 25, 2022 17 minutes ago, Curiousgrl said: Regardless ball is in her court and I’m done investing time. Yes it is and she's made it clear she's not interested in being friends or anything else. Who she allows in her life whether you feel they are good for her or not is her business and her choice. She choses those friends for a reason and it's best not to try to figure out what's going on in her head but to leave her alone.
Author Curiousgrl Posted May 6, 2023 Author Posted May 6, 2023 In case anyone is curious… what home girl was not telling me was that she decided to get back with her ex. Looks like he bought her a car and she didn’t have to work because he pays the bills… so the I’m bad for you and other comments like this were because he was there the entire time we talked… although she told me she was divorced…. She left out they had shacked back up together. Funny story… since this post she convinced me I was selfish and a bad person because she lied to me but swore she was not. So I actually went to apologize her because she was avoiding talking and something in my gut said just go confront her, because that’s how I handle s***. I don’t do games and she wants to pretend to want to talk to me but not follow through…. Something didn’t add up. As soon as I pulled into her house her and ex were both there. Instead of answering the door she sent her ex… he left with her dogs so I knocked on her door and she literally stood in her window refusing to acknowledge me. So I left. She couldn’t follow through because had we talked more and had we gone to lunch I would find out as she is telling me how abusive her husband was and how hard it was to get away and how glad she was and how hard it is doing everything on her own and how she’s trying to piece her life back together and encouraging me to leave my husband (who she contacted and flirted with as well… idk if she was that kinky or what ), but all makes sense now… So anyone that said she was being dishonest was correct. I guess removing myself from the equation… I’d assume she used me to boost her ego… or maybe she was interested but she’s really logical and would go where she knows for sure her bills will get paid. I don’t think she ever had a real job. She did 2 part time things that equate to 16 hours a month. I figured maybe she was insecure about her situation, but she was secure… very secure…. Having the ex move back to pay the Billys. I’d say I think she actually liked me and that is why she never said she didn’t… because she did, but saying so would have lead me on more than she already did… maybe she was testing the water to see… her husband know who I was. She told him I liked her and I could hear them talking about me as I walked up…. clearly she didn’t tell him everything What got me was she goes around fronting other people out for not being honest or accountable, so You’d think she’d want to be honest and accountable. She couldn’t even say s*** to my face. I told her I think it’s bull shif she goes around literally ruining peoples careers, reputation, etc slamming them for not being honest when she legit lied about something so stupid for soo long and it was very clear now she lied. I kinda think maybe she thought things with her ex wouldn’t work out so she kept me on reserve… which is why she couldn’t give me a date… but he’s not going if to show his true colors again until she lets down her guard. She talks to other guys too tho and you can tell she eludes to things and is flirty and leads them on…. so maybe it’s just what she does. Maybe she is just nuts. I wish I would have just stayed true to me and confronted her long ago. I felt weird so I avoided it, but it was the best decision I ever made. It frees me if her bull s*** lies and now I know the truth. just thought I’d share. Thanks for all of the advice.
stillafool Posted May 7, 2023 Posted May 7, 2023 Well good you've found out the truth that she's back with her ex. It may not be just to get the bills paid. Couples break up all the time and get back together. It's good that you can now move on from this obsession.
Author Curiousgrl Posted May 7, 2023 Author Posted May 7, 2023 2 hours ago, stillafool said: Well good you've found out the truth that she's back with her ex. It may not be just to get the bills paid. Couples break up all the time and get back together. It's good that you can now move on from this obsession. I think it was just that deep down I knew something didn’t add up. I feel so much better just taking the steps to find out, and ya she lied about everything else so maybe he isn’t this abusive person she despises… I mean they are back together… Ive never understand why people lie. I mean, she could have just said so I would have been like cool! Have fun with that!! Honesty just makes things so much easier. I’ve been around a lot of death and I guess I always want to be clear about how I feel and what I believe and make sure people know etc… life is too short. I guess it’s not a perfect world and people have fears, insecurities, and mental issues and that all plays a part. Thanks!
NuevoYorko Posted May 7, 2023 Posted May 7, 2023 TBH I don't remember the whole backstory. It seems like this is a person you met once or twice but mostly interacted with online, though she lives close to you? is that correct?
Author Curiousgrl Posted May 8, 2023 Author Posted May 8, 2023 Basically, but I now know that was because she was back with her ex… had we interacted in person I would have found out because he is with her all the time. She built up this whole story of him being abusive and ruining their kid etc… and her being on her own and it being so hard etc…. If I could do it over, I would have fronted her out sooner. That was the best decision all along.
NuevoYorko Posted May 8, 2023 Posted May 8, 2023 Why don't you delete and block her from everything so you can start to get free from this obsession you have with her? Honestly, what she does with her personal life is not your business at all. Your life will be better once you cut yourself loose from thinking and stalking over it. 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 8, 2023 Posted May 8, 2023 9 hours ago, Curiousgrl said: If I could do it over, I would have fronted her out sooner. That was the best decision all along. Now that you've cleared the air, free yourself from this. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. There's no need to give her access to your life or stay in touch.
stillafool Posted May 8, 2023 Posted May 8, 2023 It reads like you have a romantic interest in her and she is straight. I think that is the reason she lied to you, avoided you, because she realized she had kind of lead you on; but her interest is in men. She was trying to not hurt your feelings but you kept pursuing her which makes her uncomfortable. I'm sure she freaked out when you showed up at her place. 2
Author Curiousgrl Posted May 9, 2023 Author Posted May 9, 2023 On 5/8/2023 at 7:23 AM, stillafool said: It reads like you have a romantic interest in her and she is straight. I think that is the reason she lied to you, avoided you, because she realized she had kind of lead you on; but her interest is in men. She was trying to not hurt your feelings but you kept pursuing her which makes her uncomfortable. I'm sure she freaked out when you showed up at her place. I didn’t block before and she kept telling me same bs… I just wanted to be done so I figured I’d find out. She’s blocked in everything. I don’t know why she’d lie about that because I already eliminated that by telling her it’s all good if that’s the case… and she said now… But she lied… I think it was more about attention… and she just likes attention and is one of those people who will do literally anything to get it… looking back most of what she said to me was manipulation to make me feel bad so I wouldn’t question her… now I know why . I gave her benefit of the doubt that I should have. End of story. Thanks
stillafool Posted May 9, 2023 Posted May 9, 2023 54 minutes ago, Curiousgrl said: I think it was more about attention… and she just likes attention and is one of those people who will do literally anything to get it… looking back most of what she said to me was manipulation to make me feel bad so I wouldn’t question her… now I know why . I gave her benefit of the doubt that I should have. End of story. Thanks I don't. If it were about her getting attention she would gladly go to lunch with you and let you fawn over her. She was avoiding it at every turn trying to stay away from you. Anyway, glad you've finally blocked her and put this behind you. 1
Author Curiousgrl Posted May 9, 2023 Author Posted May 9, 2023 You don’t because you must not have read that I said she was caught lying. Had we had lunch I would have found out she lied and not talked to her… she wouldn’t go to lunch because she would be caught. Why keep things going if you feel bad etc. nothing else makes sense.. it’s as simple as she didn’t want to get caught. And she was caught before I even walked to the door. Which is why she didn’t answer me… no point… I know she was lying. The only reason for her to keep lying to me especially if she didn’t like me was to get attention…. Why else PUT SO MUCH time in lying… also, she continued contacting me which is why I got tired and just went to her house. I didn’t want to be played with… and as I suspected she was lying… it’s pretty clear to me…
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