Flirting or not?

[Curiousgrl]

I’m a female who has a female friend I’ve known for about a decade.  We’ve only ever talked through text or social media even though we live nearby each other.  

Probably life 5 years ago I asked her to lunch.  She said that would be great she got me down and then she never followed back up.  I assumed I was blown off and decided to not talk to her because I like direct people and I would have preferred a “no” rather than being lied to. I stopped acknowledging her.  She occasionally text me and about 2 years after this was all over my social media.  I posted some pictures and she went and liked all of them and made several comments and told me I have nice legs.  I told her thanks and don’t put a lot of effort into it because I was really busy at the time.  

We kinda worked at the same place.  She had the opportunity to acknowledge me but never did.  We were in the same place once but I was there for work and she had to be there so I didn’t acknowledge her outside of saying hi because I didn’t want to be weird.  We kinda stopped talking and I sort of regretted not trying a little harder or thought maybe there could be another explanation because her personality is a direct one generally.  I tried talking to her.  I asked why we never went to lunch because it’s really easy for us to talk to each other.  Like we’ve been close for years kinda thing… and she said she didn’t know and we should go to lunch.  She really wanted to go, but said she had a lot going on.  She never gave a solid date.  She just kept saying how busy she was.  Then after about 8 months she gave me a month… which came and went.  She would talk about personal stuff with me and then abruptly end the conversation.  Then she would say stuff like she gave me bad advice and we couldn’t be friends because it would be detrimental to me, which was not true.  Then she’d say other stuff like she was pushing me away because she’s bad for me for this reason or that reason.  

Then she stopped talking to me altogether.  I felt like the legs comment could hade been flirting.  I asked her if she was flirting and told her although I’ve never been attracted to another female before I really enjoyed talking to her and find her to be attractive as well.  She never answered my question.  Then I kinda pushed the issues because I was tried of being blown off… this is after a year of excuses and she said she want blowing me off nor was she flirting.  She said her nickname in school was legs… she’s literally 5ft with no legs so I didn’t really buy that. She told me I was annoying and then basically ignored me.  

I asked why she lied to me as I told her after the first 2 times she changed the date because of before and her doing the same thing I felt blown off.  She reassured me she was not blowing me off and really wanted to get together.  She used her adult kid as an excuse.  But she gets online and uses conversations we had flirting back and forth and does the same with guys but uses my words, phrases, jokes, etc… at first I thought It was because she liked me but I kinda wonder if she wasn’t having luck with her personality so she decided she would talk to me to act like me kinda thing… I don’t know.  

I was genuine in my intention and with my feelings.  I’m not really sure what happened.  This was a really bad year for me too.  I kinda feel hurt knowing all I had going on and the level of loss I experienced that she seen no issue and continuing to hurt me. I just wanted to be friends and see where things went.  I really enjoyed talking to her.  She made some comment about she invested time in the wrong place and I needed to get away from her because she didn’t want anything bad to happen to me.  It just seemed like dramatics.  Why not hade a conversation.  You lied to me for a year… why not take 5 minutes and be real.  I’m so confused and it’s kinda hard to get over because I felt really close to her.

Edited December 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[smackie9]

I have come across people like her...in actuality you are only hurting yourself by trying to make something happen whether it be friendship or other wise. She has given you plenty of red flags. This type of person is a compulsive liar, and lies to pacify people when requests or demands are made on them. They are so scared of any kind of confrontation, or meeting up. They find interacting with people exhausting if there is any kind of expectation. It's possible she has some personality disorder and you can't take it personally....this is the way she is and there is no way she will ever be "real" with you or anybody. Sorry but you need to write this person off for your own sake.

[Curiousgrl]

She kinda has that reputation, but she’s very outspoken and I thought it was more so because of that and she tends to say things people don’t like with good intention.  She has a habit of kinda bullying online and I saw her making some pointless argument and just being kinda mean and asked her about it.  It was on Valentine’s Day so I thought maybe she was butt hurt she was alone or something.  And I told her to stop it’s not classy.  Then she just went on another site and acted stupid.  I told her she’s trolling so now she calls other people trolls.  I think I just felt bad.  She has some traumatic childhood experiences and I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and I feel like she kinda sucked me in. I started getting the feeling that once I had interest she lost all interest and like I was maybe something for her to gossip about.  Like she likes to play things up as if it’s an issue when it really isn’t.  I kinda felt like I was the topic of her and her subdivision grls.  I don’t even like girls like that so I was curious wtf it was about her I liked so much.  I’ve always stuck up for her and people are like if she’s being nice she’s using you… because she’s not nice.  I felt like it was kinda a front and she’s not really that shitty, just had a rough life and kinda wanted to her work though it, but I prob just got played.  I was going to delete her off social media but it’s hard.  I actually liked her. I think you hit it in the head tho.  She always says how exhausting everything is and she has so much going on.  She BARELY has a real job… so it’s like really?  She make a point to hold everyone else accountable.

[smackie9]

6 minutes ago, Curiousgrl said:

She kinda has that reputation, but she’s very outspoken and I thought it was more so because of that and she tends to say things people don’t like with good intention.  She has a habit of kinda bullying online and I saw her making some pointless argument and just being kinda mean and asked her about it.  It was on Valentine’s Day so I thought maybe she was butt hurt she was alone or something.  And I told her to stop it’s not classy.  Then she just went on another site and acted stupid.  I told her she’s trolling so now she calls other people trolls.  I think I just felt bad.  She has some traumatic childhood experiences and I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and I feel like she kinda sucked me in. I started getting the feeling that once I had interest she lost all interest and like I was maybe something for her to gossip about.  Like she likes to play things up as if it’s an issue when it really isn’t.  I kinda felt like I was the topic of her and her subdivision grls.  I don’t even like girls like that so I was curious wtf it was about her I liked so much.  I’ve always stuck up for her and people are like if she’s being nice she’s using you… because she’s not nice.  I felt like it was kinda a front and she’s not really that shitty, just had a rough life and kinda wanted to her work though it, but I prob just got played.  I was going to delete her off social media but it’s hard.  I actually liked her. I think you hit it in the head tho.  She always says how exhausting everything is and she has so much going on.  She BARELY has a real job… so it’s like really?  She make a point to hold everyone else accountable.

She's a narcissist. There are 4 types known so far. I would say she's a covert narcissist.

[glows]

Not sure why you kept pressuring her to be friends with you. She seemed to be trying to get the point across to stop without having to be so direct that it’s insulting. Would you have taken that well? Or would you have kept pursuing this? I get it that you wanted her attention and to have lunch but when someone doesn’t follow through you have to read actions not simply words. She was never that interested and was just being polite - the words were empty and meaningless. 

Do you have friends you can spend time with in person? Since this person and you may share work circles or mutual colleagues just stay professional.
 

[NuevoYorko]

I think that a lot of these online-only friendships and other types of relationships never make it to real life interactions.  In most cases, both parties contribute to this.  

You put a lot of responsibility on her for not going to lunch but from your description of events, you didn't do much more than she did to drive this contact into a real face to face type of thing.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Curiousgrl said:

we couldn’t be friends because it would be detrimental to me, which was not true.  Then she’d say other stuff like she was pushing me away because she’s bad for me for this reason or that reason.  

Whenever someone tells you who they are, believe them.

[Curiousgrl]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

Not sure why you kept pressuring her to be friends with you. She seemed to be trying to get the point across to stop without having to be so direct that it’s insulting. Would you have taken that well? Or would you have kept pursuing this? I get it that you wanted her attention and to have lunch but when someone doesn’t follow through you have to read actions not simply words. She was never that interested and was just being polite - the words were empty and meaningless. 

Do you have friends you can spend time with in person? Since this person and you may share work circles or mutual colleagues just stay professional.
 

She blew me off the first time.  I assumed she didn’t want to be friends.  She started up the connection again not me and brought up lunch the second time.  After she blew me off twice I was really polite and told her I felt blown off and it didn’t seem that she wanted to go to lunch  and I was fine with this.  We just had a lot in common and talked for so long it seemed like we should have lunch together.  I had no issue with her saying she wasn’t interested, but she never did.  When I nicely said hey I get it I’m being blown off she went out of her way to assure me she really wanted to go to lunch and get together and she was just really busy and if I kept waiting we would go.  Then she’d set a new time and have a million excuses. So I tried to be supportive that maybe she just had too much going on but when I wanted more of a conversation she just would say she wanted to get together but couldn’t and she wasn’t blowing me off and there where it was left.  I had a lot of respect for her and just didn’t want to be lied to. I kept putting in the effort because I thought maybe she needed the support or something.

[Curiousgrl]

17 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I think that a lot of these online-only friendships and other types of relationships never make it to real life interactions.  In most cases, both parties contribute to this.  

You put a lot of responsibility on her for not going to lunch but from your description of events, you didn't do much more than she did to drive this contact into a real face to face type of thing.

I guess I didn’t discuss that because it seemed like a lot.  I was just supportive in case she was being real and just too busy.  Eventually, when she’s say she was too busy I’d offer to help her with what she was busy with. Offered to fix broken things to save her time or help her with errands. I offered to bring her lunch. I told her it didn’t need to be lunch and I’d come to her and it could be casual or a walk.  We both like to workout so I suggested we do that together.  She passively told me where her gym was but I told her like I wasn’t going there unless we had plans together because not really knowing what her deal is makes me worried I’m getting played. I even offered to help her catch up work around her house and help her with outside things.. but she declined and hurt herself in the process of doing things alone… it’s just been bizarre.

[NuevoYorko]

Well, if you don't like this online-only friendship, I'm surprised that you've maintained it for a decade.  Your "friend" seems comfortable with things this way.

[Curiousgrl]

Just now, NuevoYorko said:

Well, if you don't like this online-only friendship, I'm surprised that you've maintained it for a decade.  Your "friend" seems comfortable with things this way.

I was fine with it I guess, but I think I just got to a place I only want to invest in people that are real and I’m surprised she wasn’t I guess.  Like we were pretty personal so I guess I just feel played

[basil67]

I can't figure out why you kept chasing her when she was blowing you off all the time.   And for what it's worth, people (particularly women) make excuses to not meet up because we are socialised to not be rude to people.   I know you appreciate honesty, but there's no nice way to deliver "I'd prefer that we don't meet up".  

Also, I don't see the 'legs' comment as flirting.  I would have just read it as a compliment.  

[Curiousgrl]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I can't figure out why you kept chasing her when she was blowing you off all the time.   And for what it's worth, people (particularly women) make excuses to not meet up because we are socialised to not be rude to people.   I know you appreciate honesty, but there's no nice way to deliver "I'd prefer that we don't meet up".  

Also, I don't see the 'legs' comment as flirting.  I would have just read it as a compliment.  

I guess because she kept telling me she wasn’t blowing me off and she wanted to and she was just busy.  I was like ok… and when I told her she was totally blowing me off and it’s all good we don’t have to go to lunch she was like oh no I want to go to lunch and we will totally go.  I couldn’t figure out why when I was like it’s all good she kept saying she wasn’t blowing me off.  Why not just be like ya I don’t want to. Or why keep stuff going.  I didn’t take the legs comment as flirting at first.  I just thought it was a compliment.  But she blew me off the first time and when I stopped talking to her she made a bunch of effort and then when she blew me off again I kinda wondered if she was afraid to because maybe it was flirty and I missed something.  So I guess I kept trying because I thought maybe she was afraid to be honest with me or was flirting but not sure how I felt so I told her.  And it was just still we will get together I promise I just have a lot going on.  So I let it go.  I guess I wanted to believe her and I know in general girls are nice etc but not here… her entire personality is being blunt and and she doesn’t really care about being nice.  Most find her kinda mean because she just says things as a matter of fact without concern for emotion so I guess it was safe to believe her as her whole persona is really forthcoming.  Also, we’ve always been very forthcoming with our thoughts.  We’ve had some difficult circumstances that were similar we both went though and discussing those things we are just matter of fact with each other.  I guess I expected this to be the same. I guess I was just trying to be supportive by not making a big deal but then I realized I’m pretty sure I got played for years and maybe she was just using me because she benefits from our friendship so I felt kinda like a pawn she kept sitting around incase she needs something from me.  

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Curiousgrl said:

 I’m so confused and it’s kinda hard to get over because I felt really close to her.

I can't figure out why you thought you felt so close to her when you guys never even went to lunch.  I've told other women they have pretty legs and I'm a straight woman.  I wasn't flirting, just stating a fact.

[Curiousgrl]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I have come across people like her...in actuality you are only hurting yourself by trying to make something happen whether it be friendship or other wise. She has given you plenty of red flags. This type of person is a compulsive liar, and lies to pacify people when requests or demands are made on them. They are so scared of any kind of confrontation, or meeting up. They find interacting with people exhausting if there is any kind of expectation. It's possible she has some personality disorder and you can't take it personally....this is the way she is and there is no way she will ever be "real" with you or anybody. Sorry but you need to write this person off for your own sake.

How would you move forward?

[Curiousgrl]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I can't figure out why you thought you felt so close to her when you guys never even went to lunch.  I've told other women they have pretty legs and I'm a straight woman.  I wasn't flirting, just stating a fact.

We talked about pretty personal stuff and went through some serious life changes and just kinda always kept contact.  We’ve kinda had each other’s back when it came to stuff… I guess I never got why we couldn’t go to lunch.  And it kinda made everything feel fake.  I had a lot going on I think she just kinda played me.  Like maybe it wasn’t real but more entertainment to her. 

[Lotsgoingon]

The only conclusion is: this woman is thoroughly unreliable. And if you trust her and develop hope for a relationship with her (probably any kind!) you are only going to be disappointed. Her fickle unreliability will show up again. BTW: there are plenty of people like this. Oh God, a confession: I was hot and cold like this with women in my mid 20's. Why? Because I was immature and couldn't figure out whether I really liked someone for romance or not. And I could not have articulated my "problem" at the time. My life was all over the place. I wasn't consistent with myself--how could I be reliable and consistent for another person?

All the confident women I dabbled with, when I did the flakey thing, they just disappeared. And if I went silent for weeks and called one of them, they didn't respond. They wasted no time on me. After flaking on them once, they'd pull back realizing they didn't know exactly what was wrong with me, but they knew SOMETHING was wrong! 

Stay away and trust your instincts. You're doing this great description of what's happening and then ignoring the only conclusion to draw from your summary, which is to stay the heck away from this person. 

 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Curiousgrl said:

How would you move forward?

I think you should just nod hello when you see her and keep it moving.  She's not interested so I wouldn't try to be her friend anymore.  She's not interested but doesn't want to hurt you so she keeps making excuses.  She has not plans to follow through.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Curiousgrl said:

We talked about pretty personal stuff and went through some serious life changes and just kinda always kept contact.  We’ve kinda had each other’s back when it came to stuff… I guess I never got why we couldn’t go to lunch.  And it kinda made everything feel fake.  I had a lot going on I think she just kinda played me.  Like maybe it wasn’t real but more entertainment to her. 

How did you two "have each other's back" if you were never friends?

[glows]

Curious how she benefits from the friendship - do you mean professionally? 

Follow a person’s actions. I can see why you felt frustrated and misled. This isn’t going to end well staying in contact. 

1 hour ago, Curiousgrl said:

Eventually, when she’s say she was too busy I’d offer to help her with what she was busy with. Offered to fix broken things to save her time or help her with errands. I offered to bring her lunch. I told her it didn’t need to be lunch and I’d come to her and it could be casual or a walk.  We both like to workout so I suggested we do that together.  She passively told me where her gym was but I told her like I wasn’t going there unless we had plans together because not really knowing what her deal is makes me worried I’m getting played. I even offered to help her catch up work around her house and help her with outside things.. but she declined and hurt herself in the process of doing things alone… it’s just been bizarre.

It’s too much here. Step back next time and let someone ask you for help. The kinds of things you’re doing and expecting in return are very one sided. She doesn’t seem like she wants your help. She’d rather risk doing it alone or hurting herself than having anything to do with you so while that hurts it’s also a wake up call. She doesn’t want the offer of help.

It’s better to stay away from now on, focus on other friends and let her figure things out on her own.

[Curiousgrl]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

How did you two "have each other's back" if you were never friends?

We were friend for like a decade.  We just haven’t got together in person.  If one of us needed anything the other one was there outside of physical presence.  Work, family, other friend, kid stuff… I guess that’s why it was easy to not really question her and then kinda a shock once I woke up. 

[Curiousgrl]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

Curious how she benefits from the friendship - do you mean professionally? 

Follow a person’s actions. I can see why you felt frustrated and misled. This isn’t going to end well staying in contact. 

It’s too much here. Step back next time and let someone ask you for help. The kinds of things you’re doing and expecting in return are very one sided. She doesn’t seem like she wants your help. She’d rather risk doing it alone or hurting herself than having anything to do with you so while that hurts it’s also a wake up call. She doesn’t want the offer of help.

It’s better to stay away from now on, focus on other friends and let her figure things out on her own.

Yes professionally 

[smackie9]

22 minutes ago, Curiousgrl said:

How would you move forward?

Cut all contact. 

[Curiousgrl]

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Cut all contact. 

Ya.  We talked for so long.  It kinda sucks it was all fake I guess

[basil67]

That she preferred an online friendship doesn't make it fake.  It's simply not the kind of connection you were after.