christmas eve with ex - normal?

[Lorenza]

The guy I´m dating has a 6 year old son and a co-parenting schedule together with his ex. They live nearby and take turns each week to take care of their son. They also have an amicable relationship and he calls her "a friend". But it was mainly her who initiated the separation after many failed attempts to mend their relationship. They were never married which is common in this country - people often have cohabitation contracts which are lawful here. I don´t mind him having a good relationship with his ex and I understand that it´s good for the mental health of their child, but they have this "tradition" to go to another city all together and spend Christmas eve at a common friend´s place. This is their plan for this year as well. He says that they´re doing this for the sake of their son, so that he has some kind of stable Christmas tradition, but what I don´t like is that they are still acting like a family - taking the train together, visiting the common friend and sleeping over at her place together. They´re gonna part ways the next day though. I can´t have a say in this yet since we are still fairly new to each other, but I´m not sure if I should be ok with such arrangement. I´m not a fan of it and wouldn´t like to find that next year it will be the same. At the same time, I can´t really ask if he would be willing to include me next year or change the tradition, because it´s too early to talk about such things. The ex knows about me and is dating someone as well. We have a bit of a distance and I´m spending Christmas with my family, but we have plans to meet after the New Year and we just spent a week together. 

I know that the dynamics are completely different when a child is involved. That´s why I wonder if this isn´t a big deal after all. I have no children and not planning to have and I´m willing to compromise, but I´m just not a fan of them doing things that makes it look like they´re still a family, a whole unit. Makes me think I might be cast out as a third wheel and them deciding to give their relationship another go for the sake of their son as well, although there are no indications of that in his behavior - he´s been very consistent and treats me really well. So I don´t know. Also, these kind of things are really common in this country, they even have a name for it and I know of other people mashing their kids, exes and new partners all together for the holidays. Opinions? 

 

[Wiseman2]

It's not all that common but it does happen particularly with younger children who may believe in Santa, etc.

How long have they been living apart? 

All you can do is observe and see if single dads in general or this man in particular are a good fit for you.

See what happens after New Year's. Take your time. 

Edited December 20, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Lorenza]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's not all that common but it does happen particularly with younger children who may believe in Santa, etc.

How long have they been living apart? 

All you can do is observe and see if single dads in general or this man in particular are a good fit for you.

See what happens after New Year's. Take your time. 

They have ended their relationship around two years ago, but he fully moved out 1,5 years ago. It´s difficult for someone like me to find single childless men that don´t want to have children. Single dads are more open to it. The particular guy I´m dating is 100% sure he doesn´t want to have more children so in that regard he´s a good fit. But I´m a bit worried that it´s gonna be messy due to his ex being so closely involved. But you´re right that all I can do is observe now  

[BaileyB]

Growing up, my beat friend’s parents were divorced. He lived with another woman who had children of her own (still does) - but, on Christmas morning, he came over to my best friends’s mother’s home and they spent Christmas morning together as a family. I thought it was amazing! My friend looks back now and says, “that must have been so hard for my mom,” but she has wonderful Christmas memories with her parents. So, I guess I have seen it done…

I’m not saying that I would be thrilled about this arrangement, looking ahead to the future I wouldn’t really want to be alone on Christmas. But, if you have family you will spend the holidays with - it could work. Six months is too soon obviously to really make a big deal out of this, but I suppose you need to decide how YOU want to spend your holiday next year and talk with your boyfriend closer to the holidays next year. 

Edited December 20, 2022 by BaileyB

[Lorenza]

48 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Growing up, my beat friend’s parents were divorced. He lived with another woman who had children of her own (still does) - but, on Christmas morning, he came over to my best friends’s mother’s home and they spent Christmas morning together as a family. I thought it was amazing! My friend looks back now and says, “that must have been so hard for my mom,” but she has wonderful Christmas memories with her parents. So, I guess I have seen it done…

I’m not saying that I would be thrilled about this arrangement, looking ahead to the future I wouldn’t really want to be alone on Christmas. But, if you have family you will spend the holidays with - it could work. Six months is too soon obviously to really make a big deal out of this, but I suppose you need to decide how YOU want to spend your holiday next year and talk with your boyfriend closer to the holidays next year. 

I'm hopeful about being involved in this tradition and not left alone for Christmas in the future! The guy is very reassuring and inclusive otherwise. I just find it a bit scary that I will only find it out the next year. That is, if we still date by next Christmas. I must learn to let go and observe things unfold naturally, but I do tend to have some anxiety in the beginning of a new relationship, because I want to be ahead of things and end them if there are any red flags. 

Your example did make me feel a bit better! And I actually do also know some examples like that irl. But yeah, if it would continue, it's not an ideal thing to go along with.

Edited December 20, 2022 by EternalClarity

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, EternalClarity said:

I do tend to have some anxiety in the beginning of a new relationship, because I want to be ahead of things and end them if there are any red flags. 

I think the beginning of any new relationship is anxiety provoking for most people, myself included. 

[smackie9]

I doubt this will be a permanent situation. You can always work out a compromise when the relationship gets more serious. He can spend Christmas morning with his kid, then go celebrate with you for Christmas dinner, or he can visit Christmas eve when the kid gets older. Plus you never know when the ex will find a new man she wants to be serious with. Things will adjust as things change in their lives.

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, EternalClarity said:

 so that he has some kind of stable Christmas tradition, but what I don´t like is that they are still acting like a family - taking the train together, visiting the common friend and sleeping over at her place together. 
 

How long have you been dating?

Stable Xmas tradition? So he means they will continue this till when? 

I am divorced and our daughter had a great Xmas tradition. She spent Xmas Eve with me, then Xmas day with her Dad. The year after we switched. And it was like that till the day he died. My daughter never suffered of having 2 Xmasses. 

I accept being 'friendly' with a ex but 'friends'? No. I would even say that this type of dynamics between exs (traveling togehter, sleeping over, leaving gf behinds during holidays to be with ex) confuses children. 

On a more personal note I am dating a man who spent his Xmas with his child at the ex up to now. He told me about his Xmas arrangements when we met and I was not in a position to demand anything so early in our relationship. Now heading to our 4 months dating, he came to me on his own and he said it was time he stopped spending his Xmas with his ex. To him it felt disrespectful toward me and he said it's time his kiddo understand. 

[ShyViolet]

You're perfectly within your rights to not be OK with it, but if you're not OK with it then you need to not date this guy.  You knew he had all this baggage when you started the relationship with him.  It's probably not going to change, and it would be unreasonable for you to expect him to prioritize you over a tradition he has for the sake of his child.

[Lorenza]

13 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You're perfectly within your rights to not be OK with it, but if you're not OK with it then you need to not date this guy.  You knew he had all this baggage when you started the relationship with him.  It's probably not going to change, and it would be unreasonable for you to expect him to prioritize you over a tradition he has for the sake of his child.

I think everyone around this age (mid 30s - early 40s) has baggage, my change to find someone without it is gone with my 20s  From what I see while dating this man, he´s very willing to compromise in most aspects and goes out of his way to accommodate me, so I am hopeful about this tradition being updated. I think I would be ok to just be included and go along with them. But we´re not in the same country for Christmas and are still too early into the relationship to even ask about it. 

[Lorenza]

On 12/21/2022 at 3:55 AM, Gaeta said:

How long have you been dating?

Stable Xmas tradition? So he means they will continue this till when? 

I am divorced and our daughter had a great Xmas tradition. She spent Xmas Eve with me, then Xmas day with her Dad. The year after we switched. And it was like that till the day he died. My daughter never suffered of having 2 Xmasses. 

I accept being 'friendly' with a ex but 'friends'? No. I would even say that this type of dynamics between exs (traveling togehter, sleeping over, leaving gf behinds during holidays to be with ex) confuses children. 

On a more personal note I am dating a man who spent his Xmas with his child at the ex up to now. He told me about his Xmas arrangements when we met and I was not in a position to demand anything so early in our relationship. Now heading to our 4 months dating, he came to me on his own and he said it was time he stopped spending his Xmas with his ex. To him it felt disrespectful toward me and he said it's time his kiddo understand. 

That´s nice of him! We´ll see if the man I´m dating will come to such conclusion on his own. I would also prefer seeing how he would handle it naturally without me saying anything. But that will be next year! 

[Weezy1973]

Have you met his kid yet? I know some folks who won’t even introduce their young kid to a new romantic partner for at least a year. I understand the anxiety though. I suspect if you’re still together next you’ll be included in the plans - that would make sense and at that point definitely something you should be able to communicate with him. And since you don’t want kids, there’s really no rush to end things prematurely. It’s not like your bio clock is ticking or anything. 

[Lorenza]

4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Have you met his kid yet? I know some folks who won’t even introduce their young kid to a new romantic partner for at least a year. I understand the anxiety though. I suspect if you’re still together next you’ll be included in the plans - that would make sense and at that point definitely something you should be able to communicate with him. And since you don’t want kids, there’s really no rush to end things prematurely. It’s not like your bio clock is ticking or anything. 

I haven´t met him yet, but we talked about it and it should happen around spring time if everything goes well between us. As I understood I would be the first one to be introduced to his son after the separation, so it´s best to take it slow. And yes, that´s the good thing about not wanting to have children of my own - I feel like I can take it easy and see things through with a guy I like. But at the same time I want to make wise decisions for myself

[Weezy1973]

I think it really is just about waiting and seeing right now. Considering you’re not at a stage yet where you’re meeting his kid, him spending Christmas with his kid and ex makes sense. It doesn’t strike me as a flag. If you were left out of the decision making next year, then I’d consider it a flag. 

[Lorenza]

So apparently I misunderstood and they´re not sleeping in the same place! That feels a bit more ok