Abused, lonely, stuck in a rut. Is there a way for me to build a good life?

[Beachead]

@Cute-Frog339

Quote

 

I'm more socially capable and confident. I have further developed my skills / talents. I'm better educated / more knowledgeable.

Yes.

 

Exactly.

So wouldn't be possible that some of these women who wouldn't have noticed you in their 20's, would notice you in their 30's because they're also better educated, more knowledgeable, more experienced, more self-aware?  And could that growth and maturation translate to a better decision in partner for their life and a better relationship for you?  

Isn't it also possible that a woman who is showing you interest now, would have shown you interest in your 20's but just didn't have the opportunity to meet you because they lived elsewhere or just didn't know you?

Your social and charming nature is a facade to protect yourself.  Inside, you're scared and in pain from past experiences and generalizing women because said pain and that's already 1 foot out the door, because you're actually not open to giving anyone a fair chance.  That's also why you 100% believe if a woman showed you interest, it wouldn't be because they like you for you.  If you want to maximize your chance at a partner, which I can see you want, then you have to consider what you're doing here and you have to change it.

And besides that, the 20's are usually a formative time for most people anyway.  Dating around this age is therefore a rollercoaster.  People have less life experience so perspective is typically limited and that might mean choosing the wrong partners.  The wrong friends.   We don't know ourselves as well.  We don't know what we want for ourselves.  From a partner.  From life.  We're all just trying to figure it out.  Our social life, career, living situation, personality, ideas, thoughts change rapidly and that means we change.  But from all that trial and error and failure and mistakes, we start to become more grounded.  More rooted.  More humble.  And that can translate to better decisions.  Usually happens when we cross into our 30's.

And that's the demographic you're crossing into now.  I wouldn't view it as a bad thing. 

Finally, know your success with women isn't just up to you.   You don't know why these women didn't pick you.  Sure, it could something you did or didn't do.  But could also just as likely be something to do with them.    I've seen and heard stories about people being great partners and still being cheated on and broken up with.   These women have their own problems as well.   They have baggage, pasts, trauma etc.  Just as you do.  And it's not just about that either.  Economic factors, Geographical factors, Cultural factors, all of which affect the dating culture you are participating in can play a role in your success as well.  

I hope this helps

- Feather

[Cute-Frog339]

20 minutes ago, Atwood said:

Thank you for listing your red flags. They all sound very interrelated to other people and how you respond to them. 
 

Basil has provided you with some very direct, explicit and constructive feedback about something specific you have said. 
 

Do you think it’s worth being introspective about these comments and considering if they apply to you? It’s interesting that you’ve taken negative feedback and started listing all your positive attributes again. Do you find it difficult to be criticised in any way? 

I'd like to think I'm an introspective person, but I haven't read anything here so far that's been particularly useful (which is not to dismiss anyone's time and effort spent typing responses to me). My listing of positive attributes was to articulate why I shouldn't be "lowest of the low".

- I've had people ask me how I interact with women, even though I have stated multiple times that I'm unable to for varying reasons.

- I've been told to move out of my house, which is something I already said I intend to do.

- I've been told I'm too negative, for having what I consider basic respect for myself not wanting a partner who truly doesn't want me.

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

No you're following it you just don't like answering direct questions.  The only suggestion I have for you at this poing is to maybe hire a "Dating Coach" to show you how it's done.

I am genuinely confused. I answered your question, directly.

[Atwood]

Just now, Cute-Frog339 said:

I'd like to think I'm an introspective person, but I haven't read anything here so far that's been particularly useful (which is not to dismiss anyone's time and effort spent typing responses to me). My listing of positive attributes was to articulate why I shouldn't be "lowest of the low".

- I've had people ask me how I interact with women, even though I have stated multiple times that I'm unable to for varying reasons.

- I've been told to move out of my house, which is something I already said I intend to do.

- I've been told I'm too negative, for having what I consider basic respect for myself not wanting a partner who truly doesn't want me.

I am genuinely confused. I answered your question, directly.

Your comments were also described as misogynistic and rude. Don’t you think those are relevant criticisms if you’re confused about your lack of success with women? 
 

Introspection is supposed to be a difficult look in the mirror. 

[basil67]

17 minutes ago, Cute-Frog339 said:

...what has that got to do with anything? Sadly, I've known a few - the downside of getting involved with the wrong people during my lifetime.

I was curious to see if you were exaggerating.  But as you're not, then also consider that the women who will go for a guy who's got a reputation for hurting women are likely to be damaged themselves.   Assuming that you want a woman who's got her s*** together, you haven't actually missed out on anything.   Rather, you're using the fact that you've missed out on women who likely wouldn't have been a good choice anyway as part of the pity party.  

You mentioned earlier that you also have few friends.   Have you considered that the lack of both girlfriends and regular friends is linked?  

[Cute-Frog339]

8 minutes ago, MisterFeather said:

@Cute-Frog339

Exactly.

So wouldn't be possible that some of these women who wouldn't have noticed you in their 20's, would notice you in their 30's because they're also better educated, more knowledgeable, more experienced, more self-aware?  And could that growth and maturation translate to a better decision in partner for their life and a better relationship for you?  

Isn't it also possible that a woman who is showing you interest now, would have shown you interest in your 20's but just didn't have the opportunity to meet you because they lived elsewhere or just didn't know you?

Your social and charming nature is a facade to protect yourself.  Inside, you're scared and in pain from past experiences and generalizing women because said pain and that's already 1 foot out the door, because you're actually not open to giving anyone a fair chance.  That's also why you 100% believe if a woman showed you interest, it wouldn't be because they like you for you.  If you want to maximize your chance at a partner, which I can see you want, then you have to consider what you're doing here and you have to change it.

And besides that, the 20's are usually a formative time for most people anyway.  Dating around this age is therefore a rollercoaster.  People have less life experience so perspective is typically limited and that might mean choosing the wrong partners.  The wrong friends.   We don't know ourselves as well.  We don't know what we want for ourselves.  From a partner.  From life.  We're all just trying to figure it out.  Our social life, career, living situation, personality, ideas, thoughts change rapidly and that means we change.  But from all that trial and error and failure and mistakes, we start to become more grounded.  More rooted.  More humble.  And that can translate to better decisions.  Usually happens when we cross into our 30's.

And that's the demographic you're crossing into now.  I wouldn't view it as a bad thing. 

Finally, know your success with women isn't just up to you.   You don't know why these women didn't pick you.  Sure, it could something you did or didn't do.  But could also just as likely be something to do with them.    I've seen and heard stories about people being great partners and still being cheated on and broken up with.   These women have their own problems as well.   They have baggage, pasts, trauma etc.  Just as you do.  And it's not just about that either.  Economic factors, Geographical factors, Cultural factors, all of which affect the dating culture you are participating in can play a role in your success as well.  

I hope this helps

- Feather

Thanks for the insightful and detailed response.

I recognise that people change with life experience, but in essence, what you're effectively telling me is to be grateful that I -may- be finally given a chance, and that I should be happy that a woman wants to settle with me. "Cute-Frog, never mind about not having any dating or sex in your twenties". I never got to experience the things that you mentioned.

A lot of this is all hypothetical and there's no real way for me to give a direct answer to what you've said. Ultimately, I'm not getting any dates / interest.

1 minute ago, Atwood said:

Your comments were also described as misogynistic and rude. Don’t you think those are relevant criticisms if you’re confused about your lack of success with women? 

Introspection is supposed to be a difficult look in the mirror. 

I can't say I agree with the comments. I don't understand what is "misogynistic and rude" about not wanting to date divorcees or single mothers? I'm not passing judgement on them or their life choices / experience, I'm simply saying I don't want to be involved with that.

[Cute-Frog339]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You mentioned earlier that you also have few friends.   Have you considered that the lack of both girlfriends and regular friends is linked?  

Possibly, but I mentioned my past social experiences earlier in the thread, and I'd like to think you would agree with me that they weren't the best people to be surrounding myself with.

Which ultimately brings me back to the original post - I put myself out there, I get along with people, but I don't connect with anyone. The lack of friends is NOT for lack of trying. If only it were that simple.

[Lisa]

The OP has been given much advice, however it doesn't appear to be what he's looking for.  As such, the thread is not progressing and has been closed.

Thank you for your participation