Some suggestions for a slow moving relationship

[introverted1]

Is there a reason you can't ask her what she is feeling and why her communication has dropped?  It seems to me that if you are at the point of discussing marriage and engagement, you should be able to openly discuss her shift in attitude/communication. More to the point, a partner with whom you are so significantly (apparently) invested would want to assuage concerns and speak openly about their feelings.  This applies to you both.

I don't know if you two are compatible or not but it strikes me that your interactions remain on the surface without any deep knowing of each other.

[Alpacalia]

Why do you need to have guns in the house? Are you really going to use them for self-defense? I understand you may want to have them for recreational purposes, but she's worried about the safety risks of having guns in the house.

[BaileyB]

I have several friends who wanted to wait until marriage to have sex - but they had very intimate relationships with their boyfriends prior to marriage. I’m talking about kissing, cuddling, going camping together, and even oral sex. 

This woman is especially guarded and you really have to wonder why - and will this change after marriage? 

[Gaeta]

She's a doctor, she is devoted to saving lives of course she's against guns. 

Get rid of the guns. Why are you even hesitating. On one hand a loving woman who'll build you a home and fill it with your children, on the other hand a collection of guns. Really you need time to think about it!

Show her you are sensitive to her feelings by telling her you"ve noticed all these changes and you want to talk about it. Don't pretend all is dandy.

[basil67]

On 5/27/2023 at 12:50 PM, dragonwalker said:

Anyway, while we were together last weekend the random topic of secrets came up and I didn’t plan it and I was feeling comfortable, and I let her know about my guns.

So where's this situation at now?   Has she gone back to normal since your disclosure?

I suspect her being weird with you is more related to your lack of disclosure about the guns than anything work related.

[dragonwalker]

On 5/27/2023 at 12:51 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Definitely firm up your plans and enjoy her visit and be a good host. It's good you brought up the gun thing, unfortunately you're hoping she'll accept this but you seem unwilling to compromise.

If you two do continue and marry, you'll have to find a secure place for your gun collection out of the house. Please don't let a hobby or political stance ruin your relationship. Or accept that you'll have to find someone else who's comfortable with firearms in the house. Unfortunately you two still seem considerably incompatible.

 

I met up with her this past weekend and everything seemed normal. We didn’t even mention the issue of guns. Even from the last interaction I did agree that for sure if we got married than I would sell all the guns. My initial interest in them was due to a combination with my fascination with the military, history, and practical applicability. I have 4 pieces and 2 are old and more historical examples and 2 more are more modern. It has been years since I used them and was never an issue living alone or with adults in the household. I was speaking to her and I totally understand her perspective, the dangers, and the more likely possibility weapons may be used for their unintended purpose.

 

The issue before with the guns also brought about another question and that was about trust since she had also mentioned she wasn’t comfortable with the firearms in the room if she were to come over even though they were there without her knowledge. Ofcourse being the person I am I basically asked her why and the conclusion is she says she has a difficult time trusting people to the point that she doesn’t “entirely” trust her own mother or myself. This was difficult to hear but I soon begun to realize when talking about complete trust she was taking it quite literally to mean trust in a way that is completely 100% in every way. Her take on this doesn’t come from some large betrayal in her past but she cited examples of her patients who she thinks regularly are dishonest with her eroding her trust in people. We talked about how we agreed that there is a lower expectation of trust from anyone not family or loved ones. It’s interesting to hear and essentially I have a higher degree of trust but even myself I’m always to trust but verify type of person.

 

Now, as far as intimacy is concerned. When I have been going over to her place we are quite close. Hug, cuddle, kiss for hours sometimes and we are sometimes naked. This last time I went she actually gave me a hand job and she wasn’t surprised it seemed at all by it and everything went quite naturally. I think that has been a substantial escalation.

 

She has made it clear though that sex is off the table until I make a commitment and she jokingly said until “I sign those papers.” I have to admit when we are together we use the baby talk a lot. She is open to me spending more time with her, even perhaps working from home at her place. She has said she wants a kid within the next 2 years and we both want 2.

 

We’ve known each other for about 10 months now so not a ton of time and I am feeling a bit like it’s a lot of things to consider. I’m normally a rational and considerate person but even still the future and time seem to be weighing on my mind a lot. I want to do things the sensible way but ofcourse I know every situation is different.  Neither one of us have lived with a partner before so I think it would be a big adjustment.  I’d also like to move forward but wanted to ask what are some other things to think about and consider at this point?

[Gaeta]

Quick question: is the no-sex expediting the process here?

You want to move forward to what?

Would an engagement be a commitment to her?

[dragonwalker]

I don't think the no sex is expediting the process as it is the realization of our own age. More so for her I think than even for me.  I want to move forward to an engagement/marriage and we've even chatted about something like by end of year and yes she would consider that a commitment. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, dragonwalker said:

 . She is open to me spending more time with her, even perhaps working from home at her place. 

We’ve known each other for about 10 months 

Are you from the same religious, cultural and socioeconomic background? You seem to be on different pages on just about everything.

You may have to work all that out first. So far even after 10 mos dating, all you've worked out is that she doesn't believe in intercourse before marriage and her timeline for children is within the next 2 years.

Do not hang out at her place to "work from home". That's not quality time. It's seems rather pointless if you have your own place and she lives in a house full of relatives.

Try to get to know each other better as far as lifestyles, living arrangements, etc.

 

[Weezy1973]

9 hours ago, dragonwalker said:

 I’d also like to move forward but wanted to ask what are some other things to think about and consider at this point?

In my view there are two major jumps in a relationship that change thing’s significantly. One is living together and the second is having kids. If you can live together without a ton of friction (there will be some because you’re two different people) that’s  a great sign. Is she open to living together before marriage? Having kids makes marriage harder, so if there are problems already, kids will just exasperate them. 

[Gaeta]

It just seems to me  you don't know each other enough to jump into a marriage. You need to spend a lot more time together. A weekend together here and there is not enough to witness what a person is truly made of. 

Also, you need to know everything about each other's finances. You mentioned once that she had huge student loans? how much she owes on that house? will you be moving in with her? what would be the arrangement? How you feel about living with your new wife, and her family? Do you have the same view on how to raise children, will she want to become an at-home-mom? You mentioned she's not too happy in her current job, how is she going to solve that. 

[dragonwalker]

@wiseman2 we are from the same religious (non-religious), cultural, and essentially the same socioeconomic background. Despite my long posts most of what happens in our interactions is not posted and as you might know there are so many subtleties that are lost in words and ofcourse when I post about questions it tends to be about the things that come up and not the things that don’t.   

Do you have a more casual understanding of the situation? I ask this because when you say things like all I know about her are details from my recent post it sounds like you are trying to persuade me into thinking I don’t know her well. Is that what you are trying to do?   

I am asking about being with her during the week and working from her home because it was her idea at her request as a way to continue to get to know each other.

@weezy1973 thanks for that info, I think she’s open to the idea. In your experience and from what people have shared online, does living together always impart some benefit as far as learning more about each other, habits, idiosyncrasies, etc? We would not have kids until marriage.

@Gaeta that is kind of my thought as well. Ironically, we’re both financially minded and on the same page as far as being rather on the frugal side with spending habits but I wonder at this stage does it make sense to ask her about her finances and share my own? I did speak to my mother about this and at least in her opinion it should be after the point we decide on marriage/engagement. The idea being we wouldn’t want money to decide whether we go forward with marriage.

I am aware that there is almost certainly to be an income imbalance between us but probably on the whole I’ll have more assets as I was fortunate enough over the past 10 years to make some good decisions on the market.

We have talked about how future living arrangements might look like. For instance, in the long term it looks like I will probably be moving over to her home as it’s larger, she has her own family nearby and I have no real connection to anything at my place. I’ve thought about work and ultimately because of a work from home policy it would appear I could take advantage of a 3 days work from home arrangement. I would like to stay a few more years at least in my current place to finish school that work is helping to pay for and also not be required to pay it back by staying 2 years beyond that.