Over 2 months and not sure if it's progressing?

[sushiandtacos]

Hey guys!

Still seeing that same guy I posted about last time, the one with the bad texting lol.

He's still bad at texting lmao but we're still seeing each other. It hasn't been as often the last few weeks because of the holidays and both of us being out of town. He's still reaching out to set things up but rarely to check in or see how things are going from me. I've almost gotten used to his style of communicating albeit not being a fan of it still. Because of this texting incompatibility tho, I'm not sure if things are progressing towards a relationship territory. I still have that one adamant friend that is saying how texting/frequency doesn't indicate how he feels about us, but I'm still stuck in my head that if someone wants to progress with me, wouldn't they want to check in? Because of this mismatch in communication, I'm not sure if I want to be exclusive just yet. But because I'm not ready for exclusivity, I don't think it's fair for me to bring this up with him in terms of texting preferences right? 

The last time I saw him was last week when he asked me to go to a Christmas market and I think we're doing something this weekend. He just boggles my mind because he doesn't keep in touch in between not seeing each other so it makes me confused where he's at, making me harder for me to also reach out or ask him to do something myself. He also never fails to mention how busy he is when we do text. My friend thinks he's playing this defensive game dating strategy where he's holding his cards close to his chest and wanting to show me how busy he is, IDK if I believe this. An example, a while back when we planned to do something he sent me a confirmation text twice the day of. I missed the first one because of work but when I saw the second one, I apologized I didn't see the earlier one and he responded along the lines of no worries he was also busy as well, not sure why he had to include that. Like even last week when I told him I had a great time when he asked to go to the market, he said something along the lines of "Of course, had some free time tonight so thought it would be fun"  Why can't he just say he also had a fun time with me or be more open with his feelings. Or when I ask to hangout he says tells me how busy he is but that he might be free on a certain day or a time (lol I can't). I just don't know if this is progressing at a snail pace since we're only still at 2 months or if this is stagnant. 

Okay sorry for me blabbing, but just wanted to know ya'lls thoughts. Also, I am still talking to some other guys right now since we aren't exclusive and because I'm not certain how this is going to play out. Some guys are asking me out as well, haven't gone out with them yet. Just not sure if I want to keep my options open.

Thanks guys  

Also sorry for the grammar mistakes, so tired from work lol

Edited December 16, 2022 by sushiandtacos

[Alpacalia]

He's not a texter. Either let it go or learn to accept it.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

  I am still talking to some other guys right now since we aren't exclusive and because I'm not certain how this is going to play out. 

That's fine but it's also not "progressing" the relationship. You're probably both still talking to and meeting others. Texting doesn't progress a relationship as much as exclusive dating would.

[sushiandtacos]

37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's fine but it's also not "progressing" the relationship. You're probably both still talking to and meeting others. Texting doesn't progress a relationship as much as exclusive dating would.

But in order for me to want to be exclusive, I'd want to make sure we're in the same wavelength about communication. But I don't want to bring it up with him if we're not exclusive yet, I know doesn't make much sense lol

[Gaeta]

We are Friday night and *you think* you have plans with him this weekend?

To me, this man is only interested in CASUAL dating, he's not really interested in sharing himself with you. 

Sure texting doesn't make a relationship but texting isn't the only mean of sharing, he could call a few minutes. 

I've never dated texters, men in my life have called. They wanted to hear my voice, they wanted to hear me laugh, they wanted to tell me something funny that happenned to them.....meaning they wanted some sort of sharing. If this man has 0 desire to share who he is with you, or hear you share who you are between dates, at 2 months in, he's not interested in escalating this relationship. I'm not talking texting all day, I am talking a 5 minute call a few times between dates.

This man has not 'connected'. I had fwb in my life that contacted me more often than the man you're dating. 

See, attraction is something very strong in men. Read threads on here written by men that are going on their first couple of dates. They want communication, they make date plans ahead of time, they'll jump on any opportunity to grab a coffee with you mid-week. 

You and him are intimate?

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, sushiandtacos said:

But in order for me to want to be exclusive, I'd want to make sure we're in the same wavelength about communication. 

But you already know that you're not on the same wavelength about communication.   

[sushiandtacos]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

But you already know that you're not on the same wavelength about communication.   

I would want to confirm by asking what his preferences are

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

I would want to confirm by asking what his preferences are

People can say all kinds of things, but it's their actions which show the truth

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

I would want to confirm by asking what his preferences are

He's showing you his preference.

You think deep down he wished to talk to you every day but he's holding back?

[sushiandtacos]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He's showing you his preference.

You think deep down he wished to talk to you every day but he's holding back?

dam @Gaeta 

[sushiandtacos]

So I guess I should keep my options open and go on other dates with other guys from what it looks like 

 

[Gaeta]

Just now, sushiandtacos said:

So I guess I should keep my options open and go on other dates with other guys from what it looks like 

 

Well, I personally don't think it's a good idea. Multi-dating for 2-3 dates is ok but multi-dating when you've been seeing someone regularly for 2 months and being intimate with them, that's something else. At some point we need to let someone go. If you always split your attention amoung many men, none of them will appear special to you.

So let's talk about this first. 

This man has ever told you he misses you? he's been thinking about you? he can't wait to see you? Does he talk about doing something special together but in a few weeks like a weekend away? 

[Alpacalia]

Letting go when the situation is not right is a difficult skill.

It is only after you have done this that you lament their narcissism and how they would not make good partners for you. Bitterness develops like this.

Your approach to yourself does not seem authentic. What is your reason for dating these other men and are you only doing it because you really want to or because you like them in some way? I think it's possible that you're dating them just to have a backup option in case things don't work out as you expect.

Edited December 17, 2022 by Alpacalia

[FMW]

Everyone is different in texting and communication preferences and habits.  His not texting you frequently, to me, doesn't in and of itself mean he's not interested in you.  What I do see as an issue is that you are not happy about it and unsure of where you stand.  After more than a few months of seeing each other if you are still seeing other people, or at least open to it, then in my opinion no - the relationship is not progressing.

The guy I've been involved with for over 3 years hates texting.  I mean really hates it.  His family and friends regularly contact me to get messages to him because he is bad at staying in contact with everyone to the extent they want.  He has  issues that contribute to that (very significant ADHD primarily, both diagnosed and medicated), but it's also just who he is.  We don't text or even talk to each other on the phone every single day.  My work is very busy and stressful and honestly I am fine to not have to engage in texts or calls just to be doing it.  If anything important happens, we certainly do reach out, but neither of us do it just to say hi or to hear the others' voice every day.  We generally text or call only to set up when we're going to get together (usually at least three times a week, more if our work allows it.)  It works for us because we're both on the same page about it.  Being in love and committed for us doesn't mean spending every moment thinking about the other.    

His telling you that he's busy frequently may be because he really is busy and he's getting the idea that you don't believe him and feel he's putting you off (which it appears is the way you do feel).

I don't know if your guy is being honest and just showing you how he really is OR if he just isn't interested in being exclusive right now.  I'm just saying that not everyone feels the same way about how things SHOULD be.  Not everyone needs to be in frequent contact to be truly interested.  That doesn't mean they have some personality disorder. 

With all of that said, the main issue is what do YOU want, what do you need.  Even if he is truly interested in you, if his needs for togetherness and contact aren't the same as yours, the relationship is going to be difficult.  You deserve to have the kind of relationship you want and need.  But you have to find someone who has the same relationship style.  Neither of you will be happy trying to change if that's the issue here (and not just limited interest on his part). 

 

[sushiandtacos]

26 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Letting go when the situation is not right is a difficult skill.

It is only after you have done this that you lament their narcissism and how they would not make good partners for you. Bitterness develops like this.

Your approach to yourself does not seem authentic. What is your reason for dating these other men and are you only doing it because you really want to or because you like them in some way? I think it's possible that you're dating them just to have a backup option in case things don't work out as you expect.

Thanks @Alpacalia Yeah to a certain extent, I'm still open to seeing others because I'm not genuinely happy with how things are with him right now. You're right, it takes strength to walk away and let go but it's necessary if I'm not happy

[sushiandtacos]

19 minutes ago, FMW said:

Everyone is different in texting and communication preferences and habits.  His not texting you frequently, to me, doesn't in and of itself mean he's not interested in you.  What I do see as an issue is that you are not happy about it and unsure of where you stand.  After more than a few months of seeing each other if you are still seeing other people, or at least open to it, then in my opinion no - the relationship is not progressing.

The guy I've been involved with for over 3 years hates texting.  I mean really hates it.  His family and friends regularly contact me to get messages to him because he is bad at staying in contact with everyone to the extent they want.  He has  issues that contribute to that (very significant ADHD primarily, both diagnosed and medicated), but it's also just who he is.  We don't text or even talk to each other on the phone every single day.  My work is very busy and stressful and honestly I am fine to not have to engage in texts or calls just to be doing it.  If anything important happens, we certainly do reach out, but neither of us do it just to say hi or to hear the others' voice every day.  We generally text or call only to set up when we're going to get together (usually at least three times a week, more if our work allows it.)  It works for us because we're both on the same page about it.  Being in love and committed for us doesn't mean spending every moment thinking about the other.    

His telling you that he's busy frequently may be because he really is busy and he's getting the idea that you don't believe him and feel he's putting you off (which it appears is the way you do feel).

I don't know if your guy is being honest and just showing you how he really is OR if he just isn't interested in being exclusive right now.  I'm just saying that not everyone feels the same way about how things SHOULD be.  Not everyone needs to be in frequent contact to be truly interested.  That doesn't mean they have some personality disorder. 

With all of that said, the main issue is what do YOU want, what do you need.  Even if he is truly interested in you, if his needs for togetherness and contact aren't the same as yours, the relationship is going to be difficult.  You deserve to have the kind of relationship you want and need.  But you have to find someone who has the same relationship style.  Neither of you will be happy trying to change if that's the issue here (and not just limited interest on his part). 

 

I needed to see this, thanks for your post @FMW  

It's true I need to figure out if I can continue seeing him if my needs aren't being met, but do you think I should talk to him about where this is going? I'm just hesitant about doing this because I'm not ready to be exclusive with him myself but I do want to know where he stands with us.

Edited December 17, 2022 by sushiandtacos

[FMW]

If you haven't talked about it before, definitely, sit down and have a discussion when you are both relaxed and not distracted by work, etc.  I don't believe repeated conversations are helpful, more likely they will make things worse.  But certainly let him know what you're feeling and let him tell you his thoughts about it all as well.  You don't have to be ready to make a huge commitment in order to talk about where your relationship stands at the moment.  

[glows]

Your texting and chatting with other guys probably says it all. This person doesn’t interest you and it doesn’t sound like he makes you feel good either when he keeps reminding you how busy he is all the time. 

My read on this is that you aren’t too interested or convinced in this person but wish he were more convincing and someone else. He has to be a different person for you, say different things, communicate in a different way, change to be someone you think you may want to be exclusive with. He even has to tell you where this is going before you may slightly warm up to the idea of being exclusive. It doesn’t feel like there’s any real interest on your part and I can’t tell if you want to be in a relationship for the sake of or whether you actually like this person at all.

Maybe a conversation makes sense before you end it with him as you realize you’re incompatible. It has been two months. That’s helpful too sometimes. 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

Thanks @Alpacalia Yeah to a certain extent, I'm still open to seeing others because I'm not genuinely happy with how things are with him right now. You're right, it takes strength to walk away and let go but it's necessary if I'm not happy

Glad to have helped.

Argh. My apologies. I confused you with another poster.

At any rate. It may never happen for him to be that texting type, that communicating kind.

Keep these things in mind. In response to your interest, he says he is busy, and might be available on certain days. In the aftermath of your dates and your expressions of enjoyment, he  mentions he had some time to spare. He's either being honest or deliberately obtuse.

The last post you made mentioned that you have seen each other once on the weekends since starting dating. That still holds true? Having sleep overs implies some degree of physical intimacy between you. He also doesn't or rarely asks you any questions about you.

I will admit getting past the ego trip, the push-and-pull of dating, the fear of rejection, the hurt, and some inevitable disappointments associated with dating is not easy. But what is being inauthentic costing you?

Here is my suggestion for you. Decide what you want. Know what you deserve. Take some time to think about what you can't live without, how you want to be treated, and who you want to be with. Stand proudly in your own truth, and trust that the right people will adsorb you, while other people will fall away.

Can you let him be him? Can you live with the way he is – and the way he might always be?

Yes, it may be just one area. The most important area for you may only be one area, but if that's all that matters to you, then it might be enough to seal the deal for you.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

I would want to confirm by asking what his preferences are

You already know his preferences. He is not the type of guy who wants to be text-tethered or glued to the phone. That's not going to change by telling him how you want it to be when you're not even his GF.

It seems like you two are incompatible and you're just coasting along until you meet someone else. Unfortunately he's probably doing the same. If he were more interested you would know. Not by quantity and frequency of texts but in general.

[introverted1]

On November 16 it had been 6 weeks, which puts you at 3 1/2 months now. 

My take is that relationships either take off or fade out by the 3 month mark.  Approaching 4 months in, you are no closer to feeling (or being) settled with this guy than you were at the start.  What is so intriguing about him that you want to stick around for this lukewarm non-relationship?

 

[sushiandtacos]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I will admit getting past the ego trip, the push-and-pull of dating, the fear of rejection, the hurt, and some inevitable disappointments associated with dating is not easy. But what is being inauthentic costing you?

Here is my suggestion for you. Decide what you want. Know what you deserve. Take some time to think about what you can't live without, how you want to be treated, and who you want to be with. Stand proudly in your own truth, and trust that the right people will adsorb you, while other people will fall away.

Thanks @Alpacalia  

[sushiandtacos]

9 hours ago, glows said:

Your texting and chatting with other guys probably says it all. This person doesn’t interest you and it doesn’t sound like he makes you feel good either when he keeps reminding you how busy he is all the time. 

My read on this is that you aren’t too interested or convinced in this person but wish he were more convincing and someone else. He has to be a different person for you, say different things, communicate in a different way, change to be someone you think you may want to be exclusive with. He even has to tell you where this is going before you may slightly warm up to the idea of being exclusive. It doesn’t feel like there’s any real interest on your part and I can’t tell if you want to be in a relationship for the sake of or whether you actually like this person at all.

Maybe a conversation makes sense before you end it with him as you realize you’re incompatible. It has been two months. That’s helpful too sometimes. 

This definitely holds some truth, I think reading it made me realize you're right. Am not too happy in this and wishing he'd act/be different, thanks @glows 

[sushiandtacos]

23 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

What is so intriguing about him that you want to stick around for this lukewarm non-relationship?

I ask myself this sometimes lol

There are some moments when we are together that I appreciate about him and things he has done even though it's hard for him to talk about/express any once of feelings. But the question is, is this enough? 

[sushiandtacos]

After ya'lls help and advice, I think I'm getting a clearer idea of what to do. 

Should I see him before we both leave for the holidays to fully decide?