rosany Posted December 13, 2022 Posted December 13, 2022 Hello all, I need some advice. I work as dance Performaner, usually it happens on weekends so I took Saturday off work to spend it with my partner. We had dinner planned with some of his friends. So I found out a day before (Friday) that my daughter had a xmas concert at the church so I would be late for the planned dinner. I didn't know about it because I just came back from Brazil from visiting mom and my daughter stay in Canada with her dad, so he told me about the concert right the day I was going to pick her up. I told my partner about the concert (we live together, and haven't spend any time out together since I came back from Brazil). I was hoping the concert would finish earlier so I would drop my daughter off at home and follow the plan with my partner. The concert got delayed, as soon as my daughter was done we left. Called my partner on my way, it was already late, I shouldn't have time to drop my daughter off, so I asked if I could take her with me, she is almost 13 years old, she never bother anyone when we go out for dinner, he told me to bring her with me. Main while my partner asked his friend, who also have a daughter 5 years old and bring her to dinner when he can not get a nanny, buy he said it was an "adult" dinner so I could not bring my daughter... So I left the parking lot of the golf course/restaurant to go home and my partner stayed for dinner with his friends. I was very disappointed and upset, I didn't go to work to be with him and he ended up lefting me. On my way home I got something to eat, got home changed, received a message from my partner to go back to the restaurant for drinks and desert. I was already upset, said I wouldn't go, first because I already had dinner and second I don't drink. I felt he prioritize his friend over me. Not sure if everyone is going to agree with me but I would had told his friend, I was a unpredictable situation and if I couldn't bring my daughter, we all would not be able to make it. I am sure his friend would had said yes to that, because that was a situation that never happened before, but instead I had a partner who left me even knowing I couldn't change the situation, it was not my fault and I left booked off work to be with me. I feel upset and disappointed now and my partner think he did it right. How would you guys view this situation?
mark clemson Posted December 13, 2022 Posted December 13, 2022 Hmm. It sounds a little convoluted, so it's hard to know "who's right". Certainly your daughter needs to be taken care of properly, as does his, there's no getting around that. I guess you need to think about whether you trust your partner to "do right by you" in the future in fluid situations. If you REALLY don't, then perhaps he's not for you? Not sure this is the case as this is just a dinner party you're talking about. Is this the hill you think your relationship should die on? To last long term, couples need to be able to get past occasional minor disagreements and situations where they may have disappointed each other. However, a consistent pattern of brush offs/inconsiderate behavior/disappointments is of more concern and suggests you might not be compatible long term.
JTSW Posted December 16, 2022 Posted December 16, 2022 You should've just taken your daughter to the restaurant regardless. Who cares what his friend thinks. Your BF was ok with it. You should have a talk with him though about how you feel. That you felt upset because he allowed his friend to make things awkward for you.
Wiseman2 Posted December 16, 2022 Posted December 16, 2022 You did the right thing bringing your child home and attending to that. Sometimes plans get altered and that's ok. Your partner also did the right thing keeping his dinner plans with the friend. It seems like you are actually angry at your daughter's father about informing you, but you were away and did the right thing going to the concert and taking your daughter home. Try not to allow your partner and his social life to interfere with parenting and coparenting. Your child always comes first. If you forego on something to meet your child's needs, that's fine.
glows Posted December 16, 2022 Posted December 16, 2022 (edited) I’d think what’s more disturbing is that you both seem rocked by this minor incident and he seems to dismiss you. You’re upset over him appearing to choose his friends over you and it makes me wonder if you’re overly sensitive or if he’s done this before or minimized/dismissed the way you feel. In other words you both seem completely off and things feel unsettled in the relationship. It seems fine that he stayed on with his friends. You were with your daughter. If anything he might be the one upset not you because something came up or you hadn’t planned very well ahead of time with your daughter’s concert. Even if you knew on Fri the logistics and time arrangement would have changed swiftly and you might have told him you’d be late or not able to arrive for the dinner on Fri leaving room for delays and maybe even grabbing a bite or food with your daughter who might have been hungry herself, discussed it as mature adults and either make it for dessert or choose to bow out gracefully 24 hours in advance. You tried your best to make it to dinner and it didn’t happen but it’s not your boyfriend’s fault at all. If you didn’t feel good about taking your daughter that’s ok. She doesn’t need to be exposed to a crowd or people you don’t feel 100% comfortable around. She has you to protect her from rude and uncouth people and you’re her mother. Also, like you I don’t drink - I have a sip here and there and dislike the taste of alcohol. Tastes like wretched poison. There was still the option for dessert and being flexible. My point is what is this really about? Do you feel your boyfriend’s friends are bad news or people you’ve disliked for a long time? Edited December 16, 2022 by glows
FMW Posted December 16, 2022 Posted December 16, 2022 It's not clear, but it's possible it was all just the way this particular evening turned out. Your plans had to be changed because of having your daughter, he wasn't aware his friend wouldn't be ok with the change. Seen as just this one situation, I don't think anyone is right or wrong, it's just the way it worked out. He had plans and wanted to spend time with his friend and his friend didn't want it to be a family friendly event. Maybe the friend wanted to talk about things that wouldn't have been appropriate to discuss in front of children. There's nothing wrong with your partner staying with his friend as previously planned and you letting them know the situation had changed for you and so you would be having dinner with your daughter and not joining them and would see your partner later. As has been noted, if you feel the dynamic here is something that is ongoing and not just this one night, that's a problem. If you feel he values others' time and company over you too frequently at other times as well, that's something to be upset by. But if this is a one-off, then even though you felt disappointed in how things went, it's not something I would make a big deal out of.
Lotsgoingon Posted December 16, 2022 Posted December 16, 2022 Sounds like to me that you are working awfully hard to please your man. Really hard. And you're aware of working hard and you're running around, here to there, this person to that, juggling your own life and visits to parents and time with daughter. Sounds to me like all the while you are running around, you are in fear that your partner might be disappointed. Which can only add to your stress. Basically seems like you just needed priority time with your partner. When you were late to dinner, you panicked. Nothing wrong with being late to a dinner if you have good reason--as you did!--for being late. Nothing wrong whatsoever. So you could have just driven your daughter home and then come to dinner--knowing whenever you get there is fine! Or you could have brought daughter along. I do get your upset that hubby checked with his friend about bringing the daughter. I get that, but ... but ... you ASKED for permission to bring the daughter. That's when your partner checked with the other dinner guest. Don't ask! Bring or don't bring. You're the one working really hard. Seems to me you gotta step up and speak up in this relationship or else you'll feel put upon.
Recommended Posts