anonymous05 Posted December 12, 2022 Posted December 12, 2022 (edited) I am 22F and in a long distance relationship (as we call it) with a 22M for about 3 years now. We are each other's first too. When it started, we had a good talking phase getting to know each other and everything and then confession of like to love happened. And we met for about 4 times over the course of 3 years where we had nice intimate experience as well. From past more than 6 months, now we are in phase where he seems to have got extremely busy in life and we hardly talk. I dont blame him completely, when I do try to text or he tries we no longer have enough topics to converse. But I still feel hurt that he dont take out time to text me or jus reply after long delays when I know we have nothing to talk about. Now there is something else which doesn't make me feel right that we labelled this relationship as boyfriend girlfriend long back but still he has never told anyone in his office or anyone in his life that he has a girlfriend. On the other hand, I have let everyone except my family and our mutual friends know that yes I have a boyfriend and he seems to be completely fine with me telling people in my life. So the last time I went to see him when I stayed at his place for a week, first 2 days were nice when it was just me and him. But some of our mutual friends joined us for later part of our week so the rest of days, I had to just pretend just being friends with him which was truly hurting as I get to him after 4 months and still got to spend so little quality time with him but he was completely fine with it. I would have no issue in letting the rest of them know but he still wants to maintain his single guy image in front of those friends. I do not want to force him to be public about us and really want him to do it bcs he wants to not bcs I can no longer be patient about it but still this do give rise to my insecurities. I feel that I have extreme feelings for him and removing him from my life wont do me anything good or just kinda ruin me. And last year, we did had on off relationship phase too and off mostly done by me bcs of these same reasons I am experiencing now but he always manages me to convince me to get back with him. I am unwilling to call it off again just for him to get back again as it makes me feel that I am creating just unnecessary drama in our life as everything will just go back to the way it was. I am not dying to see other people but having someone and still feeling alone is way worse than being single and it distracts me from my work too. So in crux very less interaction, good intimate time when we we met like 4 times over 3 years, no dates, no public acceptance of relationship, just mostly saying we love each other at times...is it still a relationship? And more helpful if someone could offer me an advice on what should I do or if I am the one to be blamed here. Edited December 12, 2022 by anonymous05
FMW Posted December 12, 2022 Posted December 12, 2022 It's never good when someone hides your relationship. As you experienced, it's hurtful. I don't see any acceptable reason for him to want to appear to be single. Being long distance and seeing each other in person so rarely is not conducive to a relationship where you feel connected and bonded. I could go into more detail, but those are the basic two points I see as being problematic. You don't have to cut him out of your life, but I think you should stop seeing him as a boyfriend. Someone who won't acknowledge you as his girlfriend isn't someone you should commit to. You don't have to run out and start dating other guys just to be dating but I would recommend being open to that idea so that if someone comes along with whom you share a mutual attraction you will feel comfortable seeing where it goes. After three years it doesn't seem this relationship is going anywhere. 2
Author anonymous05 Posted December 12, 2022 Author Posted December 12, 2022 Thanks @FMW for reading it and giving advice. I feel your point that this isnt going somewhere. Its just that when I take into account of some precious moments of my time with him, he is like the most understanding and caring person of my life and somewhere I am afraid that will I meet anyone like him ever again. 21 minutes ago, FMW said: You don't have to run out and start dating other guys just to be dating but I would recommend being open to that idea so that if someone comes along with whom you share a mutual attraction you will feel comfortable seeing where it goes. And I am unable to get myself open to this idea bcs as soon as I meet someone sooner or later I have to answer the question that whether I am single or not. And until I am in this thing with him, I cant get myself to say I am single which further removes the chance of any attraction that could have been formed. So I feel like I need to decide that should I end this with him.
glows Posted December 13, 2022 Posted December 13, 2022 It doesn’t sound like he shares the same feelings as you. Seeing each other only 4x in 3 years sounds painful in itself. You’re seeing the effects as you’re only chatting buddies overall. Both of you aren’t growing together as a couple and sharing many different experiences together or going out and showing how much you care in person. To top this off he wants to appear single. I think you’re settling for very little and getting more hurt in the process. This doesn’t sound like a man who is caring or understanding. He doesn’t even sound respectful. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted December 13, 2022 Posted December 13, 2022 It's never good when someone hides you, OP. It means he doesn't consider this a real relationship, and his feelings aren't the same as yours. In fact, I woudln't be surprised if he's been dating others the whole time. Yes, you need to end this. It's barely a relationship as it is, and you are wasting your time. It will also hurt you a lot when he one day disappears altogether because he's got a new girlfriend (and yes, that day will come) In the future, don't commit yourself to situations like this and don't settle for so little. 2
JTSW Posted December 13, 2022 Posted December 13, 2022 11 hours ago, anonymous05 said: Its just that when I take into account of some precious moments of my time with him, he is like the most understanding and caring person of my life If he truly cared about you, he wouldn't want to hide your relationship. It isn't going to change either. I can guarantee that keeping his single guy status means he's doing things single guys do, like flirt and have one night stands etc. Kick this guy to the curb. 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 13, 2022 Posted December 13, 2022 You don't seem very happy in this situationship. That's the most important thing to consider. Enlist the help of trusted friends and family so you feel supported in making better decisions for your future. 1
Author anonymous05 Posted December 13, 2022 Author Posted December 13, 2022 Thank you everyone who all replied. Including other points, the thing which gets to me was@Wiseman2 saying that I am not happy with whatever this is and thats important of all. I have decided to take this conversation up with him. I dont want to end things on a bad note and want that I have the closure I deserve. I tried to pull him out of his busy day today and all I could tell him that I am having second thoughts about whatever we have. He stopped me saying he is having a hectic schedule and not with enough headspace to discuss on this and want to discuss about this properly on coming weekend. I am guessing that he is considering that its the same phase which happened last year and he will be able to convince me I am wrong and I am just feeling this just bcs he is not able to take out time for me and once things are back to stable at his job, I would stop feeling all this. Honestly, I am also afraid that what if I give in to this only to get hurt again later. You know the part which convinced me last time the most that he almost begged me to be in my life and Questioned that if its not love why he would be stressing on this and could just left when I told him to. And indeed it is confusing to me that when he dont want to tell the world about me, dont want to take out enough time for me then why does he want to stay in this with me. It couldn't be because of physical benefits bcs we met so little that would not amount to something to stay for. And even in LDR, we are not into expressing intimacy in virtual forms for the reason that I raised an objection against that and he was kind enough to accept. I am just hoping to have the right conversation with him on weekend and just get this over. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 13, 2022 Posted December 13, 2022 There is no "right" conversation. Just tell him it's over and you need two need to cut contact. I guarantee you he is already seeing and having sex with others. I don't know any guy who would put himself on hold completely for someone he barely ever sees, and whom he also hides from the world. He is getting his jollies elsewhere for sure, OP. It actually sounds to me like he's probably got a girlfriend right now and that's why he can't even make time to speak to you much 44 minutes ago, anonymous05 said: when he dont want to tell the world about me, dont want to take out enough time for me then why does he want to stay in this with me To pass the time when he's bored or wants his ego boosted. You would be surprised how many people do crap like this, and how many others (like you) get taken advantage of for it.
basil67 Posted December 13, 2022 Posted December 13, 2022 I suggest you rethink this whole conversation thing. The reason that he was able to convince you that you're wrong and beg you to stay was because you gave him the space to talk. My approach would be to make my own decision and deliver it. "I've decided to move on. This relationship isn't working for me anymore" then thank him for a good couple of years and say goodbye. And even if you were official and everyone knew about the relationship, you're only 22 and should be having the time of your life with a local guy who you can hang out with on a regular basis. What you've got is such a waste of commitment.
stillafool Posted December 13, 2022 Posted December 13, 2022 1 hour ago, basil67 said: My approach would be to make my own decision and deliver it. "I've decided to move on. This relationship isn't working for me anymore" then thank him for a good couple of years and say goodbye This is it and all you have to say. Sad to say but if he won't let it be known among your mutual friends that you two are a couple there's a reason why. Also the fact that you guys hardly talk anymore says something is up. I too don't think it should be about what he thinks or wants but how you are feeling in this. Any normal person who has a gf or bf wants them to be proud to let others know. He's hiding you so I would go hidden for good and break up with him.
glows Posted December 14, 2022 Posted December 14, 2022 9 hours ago, anonymous05 said: It couldn't be because of physical benefits bcs we met so little that would not amount to something to stay for. And even in LDR, we are not into expressing intimacy in virtual forms for the reason that I raised an objection against that and he was kind enough to accept. I am just hoping to have the right conversation with him on weekend and just get this over. Some people don’t know how to be alone and need to know there’s someone there to talk with constantly or each day. You might want to take a look at your first post as you had described “extreme feelings” and that removing him would “ruin” you. You appear to keep telling yourself how desperately you need this man and not having him might ruin your life. Why limit yourself like that or hedge yourself in into an impossible situation? It’s like folding yourself into the confines of living in a box without food and water. You’re slowly starving yourself out of new experiences being stuck in limbo this way. Time to be honest with yourself whether you see this going anywhere. Less to do with conversations as the whole relationship is mostly only talk being long distance. Are you ever going to move past the ldr stage or see yourself dating in person?
Author anonymous05 Posted January 1, 2023 Author Posted January 1, 2023 Update: I broke up with him. Hey all, so its has been about 12 days since the break up happened. I took some time posting this because wanted to process these feelings and wanted it to sink in that its actually over and I am not going back there. Wont say that I am over him because I know I am still not. It still hurts. After all he was my first. Dont know how long its going to hurt. Weird or maybe good thing that he didn't give a fight this time. Just accepted it. Maybe he was just waiting for me to call it. Just more signs, this was the right thing now. With this thing ended, I know some things for me that what I do and dont want for my next whenever it will be. Thanks to everyone here for the advices. Happy new year guys. Cheers to new beginnings 1
glows Posted January 1, 2023 Posted January 1, 2023 It takes time to work through a break up. Continue telling yourself it wasn’t sustainable. Someone not putting up a fight is not an indication of how much someone cares or respects you. I’d adjust that as it’s an unhealthy way to validate a relationship because you may be constantly looking for a fight and conflict to prove that someone cares. He may simply respect what you’re saying. This has gone on too long. Block and delete him from your social media as well and free yourself. Avoid checking up on him to see how he’s doing. 1
stillafool Posted January 1, 2023 Posted January 1, 2023 I think you made the right decision. It does take time to get over someone especially a first love. If you need to vent LoveShack is here for you. You will be happy again. 1
Author anonymous05 Posted April 9, 2023 Author Posted April 9, 2023 Hey pals. Its me again. Here with a new problem in my life. Asking in same thread again for people who know my story. So its been close to 3 months since my breakup. I am doing better. So heres the new problem: For some work, I have to visit my ex's city next month and had to stay for a while so I have been looking for a place. And since I was asking my friends, news has reached his ears. He has reached out to me and offered me to stay at his place [Please dont judge me for not blocking all communication with him] I have tried to politely decline the offer saying it will be awkward for both of us but he is insisting on it saying that we are still friends and this is least he could do and feels like I am hurting him by declining. Since I haven't had any luck finding other place, I am actually getting tempted by his offer. I know its foolish to consider it since it could put me back to square one. I need people here to tell me how wrong am I to go in this direction. Please tell me how can I deal with this temptation.
BaileyB Posted April 10, 2023 Posted April 10, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, anonymous05 said: I have tried to politely decline the offer saying it will be awkward for both of us but he is insisting on it saying that we are still friends and this is least he could do and feels like I am hurting him by declining. It’s not his decision where you stay when you are in the city - it’s yours. And kindly, if he is hurt by the fact that you chose to stay somewhere else - that’s his problem. Not yours. 2 hours ago, anonymous05 said: Please tell me how can I deal with this temptation. Find somewhere else to stay. Make plans with other friends. If you must see him, see him in a group - not alone. Stay busy and maintain a healthy boundary here - If you are firm in your boundary, what he says and does should not matter… Edited April 10, 2023 by BaileyB 2
Wiseman2 Posted April 10, 2023 Posted April 10, 2023 On 12/12/2022 at 5:59 PM, anonymous05 said: he still wants to maintain his single guy image in front of those friends. good intimate time when we we met like 4 times over 3 years, no dates, no public acceptance of relationship, If you want to stay with him and not get hurt, perhaps keep it purely platonic. This way if he treats you as 'just a friend' to others, you're not a secret in the bedroom. If you go there and continue the situationship, hoping for more, it could get complicated. For example, what if you accept his offer and he's out dating others or brings women home?
ExpatInItaly Posted April 10, 2023 Posted April 10, 2023 8 hours ago, anonymous05 said: I have tried to politely decline the offer Tried? Girl, no. You don't "try" to decline. You just do it. 8 hours ago, anonymous05 said: feels like I am hurting him by declining Oh, come on. He will be just fine. This is you looking for an excuse (for yourself) to stay with him. This is a terrible idea and you know this. It will hurt you when you go to leave and he says bye and goes on with this day like it's no biggie. Deal with this temptation by reminding yourself that he's probably been dating and having sex with others all along. There is a reason he pretended not to be dating you. Do you want to meet the reason(s) face-to-face? I doubt it. He didn't value you or your relationship enough to ever make anything official. Don't kiss your dignity goodbye by shacking up for the week. He will get all the benefits and you will get all the heartache - again. You need to work on your self-esteem, OP. In a big way. Start by finding alternate accommodations and cutting communication with a man who has never felt the same way you have. 4
Wiseman2 Posted April 10, 2023 Posted April 10, 2023 9 hours ago, anonymous05 said: For some work, I have to visit my ex's city next month and had to stay for a while so I have been looking for a place. Ask if your workplace will reimburse you for accommodations. How long are you required to stay in the area? Ask them to find something for you if you are required to travel for work. 1
stillafool Posted April 10, 2023 Posted April 10, 2023 I've never heard of a company requiring an employee to do work out of town and not providing accommodations plus a per diem. Ask your employer about this. You shouldn't have to worry or search for a place to stay while doing your job. 2
Author anonymous05 Posted July 9, 2023 Author Posted July 9, 2023 Thanks to all those who poured me advices for my last post. So randomly today I remembered about my this post and thought I should add an update. Update: I really considered the advices here and did not planned an accommodation with him and instead stayed at an hotel but I did f*** up. I was there for about 10 days. He insisted to meet on one of this days and I wont hide the fact that I was completely tempted. We decided to meet at a restaurant and as soon as he boarded the cab, the weather got bad and so we changed the plan to him visiting me at hotel. I very conveniently offered him to go to my hotel room and bippity boppity boop things happened in other words I slept with him. I just couldn't stop myself. I really dont know how anyone in world resists that feeling. I had the guilt later but then I also had the realization that no I still want this. I dont want a romantic relationship with him bcs his actions really hurt me but the peace and calmess I have whenever I am with him in his arms is the ultimate feeling in my life and I want to have that whenever I can. I told him the same thing and he being the guy has no issue with that. I ended up sleeping with him one more time before I left back for my home and had that beautiful moment of goodbye kiss as well. Anyone reading is gonna hate me so much for this. So today we are not in a relationship, we dont talk much often but anytime we do we just make plans of meeting next time very casually. I am talking to other guys as well but no luck so far and yeah it could be bcs my mind is still stuck on the guy who I dont even know if I should call my ex or not. I would be visiting a city nearby to his in next 2 months and I am already making plans to visit his first and then go to the other one even when it will cost me my time and money. Somedays when I reflect on this situation of my mine, I feel bad for myself bcs I am unable to process what exactly I am headed towards and why the hell I am doing all this but I dont wanna stop doing it. This is not a call for help post. I just want to share with someone anonymously that what is happening in my life as I could not afford to share this with anyone real in my life for obvious reasons of getting judged for this badly. So this is it, the update. Feel free to tell me if anything pops up after reading this.
stillafool Posted July 9, 2023 Posted July 9, 2023 Okay so you're back to having sex with this guy whenever you can. No one here is going to hate you for that because that is your decision and your body. Just be honest with yourself. You are in love with this guy and you do want a romantic relationship with him. Admit it. You can't even resist having sex with him by your own admission, so it's only natural to want more. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 9, 2023 Posted July 9, 2023 3 hours ago, anonymous05 said: I dont wanna stop doing it. That's your prerogative, but ask yourself how you will feel when he eventually stops making plans to see you because he's found a girlfriend. 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 9, 2023 Posted July 9, 2023 On 12/12/2022 at 5:59 PM, anonymous05 said: good intimate time when we we met like 4 times over 3 years, no dates, no public acceptance of relationship, It seems like sort of a long distance FWB situation. As long as you are not holding up your real and local life, it's fine. What do you mean by "no public acceptance"? Are either of you in other relationships? Are you from different cultures or backgrounds?
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