Why do I feel this way when I already have the perfect BF?

[Weezy1973]

On 12/13/2022 at 4:18 AM, Weezy1973 said:
 

Dump him, date Dave. Then when you realize you’re not compatible with Dave, dump Dave. Neither of these guys are right for you. 

Stage one complete. Suspect stage two will be complete in less than a month.

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

stage two will be complete in less than a month.

Yea, I don't see Dave as a tuition payment kind of boyfriend... probably not even a fine dining type. Dave's longitivtiy is going to depend on how well he performs in a certain arena. And who else shows up in a month or two or three.

Edited December 19, 2022 by salparadise

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, Avayarna said:

Of course.  I would never go over there when my bf's sister is there.  But she usually stays with their parents on the weekends, so it's ok for me to go over there from after work friday to around 9 or so sunday evening.

Um, no.  Why don't you and Dave get a room.  Have more respect for your boyfriend's sister than to lay up with Dave in her home.  That's beyond tacky in my opinion.

[princessaurora]

You did the right thing by ending your relationship. I was in a very similar situation years ago and I am now married to the guy I broke up with him for. But in this case I think Dave is  just a representation of the experiences you long to have. You're young and have barely dipped your feet in the pool. It makes sense you want to see what else is out there and you should. I had already done that so for me it was just a matter of happening to meet Mr. Right while I was already with another. But just like Dave he enticed me and gave me that tingle. I just couldn't resist the temptation though I wanted to believe I could. 

I knew the first time I allowed myself to be completely alone with him, something would happen. That's why I resisted his invites for nearly a month, but we were having 4-6 hour long conversations every night so I was already emotionally cheating. When I finally gave in and went to his house it turned physical and I broke up with my bf right after. He was completely blindsided and devastated. He had no idea I was still in contact with a guy I met at a party he brought me too.

But that was it. I stopped talking to him after that because I wanted him to move on. It would not be fair for you to keep your ex  in your life at this point. He has to heal from this and he can only do that by distancing himself from you. He's probably also embarrassed his parents paid for your schooling and you left him for a guy who lives  with his own sister. She probably feels awful she was part of the reason you met, and your ex may even blame her, so steer clear of all of them because this is a massive train wreck. It's understandable Dave wants to keep this on the dl because he has messed up alot of lives and he knows it. 

But if things fizzle out with Dave,  don't go begging your ex to take you back because at your age he's only one of the many guys that are going to tempt you and I don't think your ex deserves to go through that a second time. Let him go so he can heal and have new experiences as well. 

 

 

Edited December 20, 2022 by princessaurora
spelling

[glows]

On 12/18/2022 at 5:15 PM, Avayarna said:

As far as Dave is concerned, I'm not sure how he feels about us.  I mean, I know he wants to be with me, but I think he wants to take things slow because he lives with my bf's sister.  He says he doesn't want her or anyone else who knows her to find out about us. I've told him that I don't want it to be like that forever and he doesn't really say much back.

It’s understandable Dave doesn’t want anyone to know but also very sad - this is the way you’re both beginning your new romance. You were sneaking around as you say before and now after breaking up  with your boyfriend not much has changed.

Look into finishing your schooling and find stable employment so you’re back on your feet and have your own place. I’d be very cautious about moving in with Dave to solve your living/roommate situation. As tempting as it may be if the option arises it’s usually not a good idea resorting to living together out of convenience. This hasn’t come up yet but it’s almost predictable. You both have physical chemistry but you don’t know yet if he’s someone you can grow with or be with in the long term.

As far as your ex boyfriend, it’s not likely to progress to any kind of friendship. He seems to have shown you nothing but maturity and respect since you’ve been together yet all kinds of boundaries were crossed and it wasn’t enough to sustain your relationship.

He also supported or paid for your tuition so it wasn’t just love or affection and loyalty he had for you. He spent a considerable amount and invested monetarily in your future thinking you were part of his future as well. How is it possible you would expect a friendship or more maturity than what he’s already shown you? As someone else pointed out, this isn’t all about you. He’s entitled to moving on without you and finding a person who cares about him much more.

This is a lot to take in especially with moving and feeling disoriented. Be on your own for awhile and resist the urge to fall headlong or too quickly into a rebound relationship with Dave. Enjoy company with your mum and sis while you heal and figure things out with your career and new place. It’s an exciting time and there are lots of opportunities. It’s a great time now actually exploring more events and interests on and off campus. Grow and use the time to develop yourself.

[Avayarna]

Thanks, glows.  I know you're right.

My emotions are really going crazy now.  Especially with me living with my mom and sister.  I know I need to adapt but it's really hard.  Even simple things like getting ready for work are difficult now.   Like I have to share a bathroom again, etc.

I know things will get easier with time.  It's just in the meantime I feel like I'm going crazy!

[stillafool]

35 minutes ago, Avayarna said:

I know things will get easier with time.  It's just in the meantime I feel like I'm going crazy!

This is because you living in a crowded space.  Can you and a friend move together?

[glows]

54 minutes ago, Avayarna said:

Thanks, glows.  I know you're right.

My emotions are really going crazy now.  Especially with me living with my mom and sister.  I know I need to adapt but it's really hard.  Even simple things like getting ready for work are difficult now.   Like I have to share a bathroom again, etc.

I know things will get easier with time.  It's just in the meantime I feel like I'm going crazy!

It’s a shift but there’s a reason why you’re here. They’re also a support system for you and this may give you time to save up and make plans for yourself. 

Do you have a relationship with your sister? Ie can you talk to one another or hang out?

[NuevoYorko]

Are you able to support yourself financially?

[Avayarna]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Are you able to support yourself financially?

I can only work part time while I'm in school.  I will have to get a roommate, but I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to make that happen until the start of Fall semester next year.

3 minutes ago, Juha said:

I hope you figure yourself out and move forward for the best life you can have.

My  best

Thanks.  I am trying.  I know all this is mostly my fault, but hopefully  in the long run it will prove to be for the best.

[Stret]

[ ] 

OP, you are a human and you fell for someone because you have no experience and that's ok - go get experience. I'm sure that in 10-20 years from now, you will look at everything and will know who your BF was, who you were, and who Dave was. You will see that your BF was nice, but was not a man for you. That Dave was a player. And that you were just too young, a bit naïve like we all are when young, and that you couldn't fight the chemistry - trust me, much older people cannot fight it but hopefully you will learn how to do it from this experience. Chemistry often leads you to the wrong person. 

Edited December 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[glows]

It’s one day at a time. Things are still fresh and you’re getting used to being at home. Are there opportunities to grow at your part time position at work? Are you missing better paid opportunities or teaching opps on campus? Can you tutor on the side? Is your part time work related to your area of study? What are you intending to do after you graduate?

If you haven’t thought about some or all of these things there’s no better time than now. You may have traded this relationship in for newer opportunities that you may not have explored otherwise.

[Avayarna]

So update. I broke up with my bf on Sunday. He is absolutely devastated but is being very mature about the whole thing. I went over there tuesday and we had a very long and in depth talk about everything that went wrong. We agreed that if we get back together that we are going to take baby steps. It's a lot easier to get back together than it is to break up again.

So the next day he had flowers delivered to my work and on the card it said "baby step #1". He told me he didn't realize what he had and doesn't want to lose me. He said he can't sit back and just wait while some other guy is trying to sweep my off of my feet. He told me though that if I try whatever with someone that he wouldn't be able to talk to me anymore. I wouldn't only be letting him down but he knows I'm way better than that. Dave hits on women, he has no career, and my friends tell me to stay away from him. My bf says the writings on the wall and he says I deserve to be treated like the woman i am and says he is the only man that can do that.

I stopped over there again last night because he told me he had a surprise for me. The night before that during our talk wedding vows came up and we both were sure we could never do anything like read our own vows. So last night he had in an envelope his vows for me for if we work out and get married. The night after our talk, he wrote his vows for marrying me. Wow. 

I have to figure out if I want my bf (but still go slow) or be single (Dave).

Everyone keeps saying, whatever makes you happy. What makes me happy is my bf being happy.

Dave already invited me over to his friends house tomorrow to watch football and he said I could spend the night so we could take off the next morning early (it's about an hour drive).  Another thing, Dave's roommate (my bf's sister) keeps telling him to stay away from me and blah blah so now Dave doesn't really want her (or anyone else for that matter who knows her) knowing that we talk. I told him I don't like that but he says that's the only way. She already said "no, you're not having her over here, if you want you can find another place to stay".  So now it will be a lot harder to see him since no one approves of it and Dave says that hard because these are his friends and he has to live with her.  

Last weekend we ended up sleeping together too. I couldn't help myself but I didn't cheat on my bf, we were done. And even after that, Dave does still talk to me like normal, still texting me and calling me, and says he wants to take things slow. Are we doomed?

I really like him.

But do I want to be with him or my bf? That's the question.

[ShyViolet]

42 minutes ago, Avayarna said:

So the next day he had flowers delivered to my work and on the card it said "baby step #1". He told me he didn't realize what he had and doesn't want to lose me. He said he can't sit back and just wait while some other guy is trying to sweep my off of my feet. He told me though that if I try whatever with someone that he wouldn't be able to talk to me anymore. I wouldn't only be letting him down but he knows I'm way better than that. Dave hits on women, he has no career, and my friends tell me to stay away from him. My bf says the writings on the wall and he says I deserve to be treated like the woman i am and says he is the only man that can do that.

I stopped over there again last night because he told me he had a surprise for me. The night before that during our talk wedding vows came up and we both were sure we could never do anything like read our own vows. So last night he had in an envelope his vows for me for if we work out and get married. The night after our talk, he wrote his vows for marrying me. Wow. 

Oh my goodness.  Your ex bf, bless his heart, he seriously needs to get into some therapy to work on his incredibly poor judgment and low self-esteem.  I am shaking my head at the cringey things he's done here.  He was broken up with by a woman (you) who has had a wandering eye for a while, was not into this relationship anymore and who cheated on him.  And his reaction is to beg for you back, and to write WEDDING vows.  

Please do this guy a favor and put an end to this sad, pathetic display.  Your ex bf needs to learn that none of this is appropriate, that he shouldn't go crawling after a woman who broke up with him to be with someone else.  It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do himself.

You KNOW that this relationship had run its course, that you were not into this relationship anymore and that's why it fell apart.  Regardless of Dave. Even if things ended for good between you and Dave, that would have absolutely no relevance to the situation with you and your ex bf.  That wouldn't mean that you should go back to him and waste a whole lot more of his time.  You have this false choice in your head... you seem to think that you have to choose between going back to your ex bf, or being with this Dave guy.  That is NOT the choice.  Maybe both of those choices are the wrong ones.  Maybe you need to learn from all of this and be single for a while.

[Avayarna]

Well, I know my bf better than you and I can assure you he does not have a low self-esteem.  In fact, he's very confident in himself.  He's a real man and real men go for what they want, if it is important enough to them.  If he had a low self-esteem he would just give up and let someone else take it from him.  But he is not like that.  He's a fighter and he says he wants to fight for me.  

And you say what he is doing is pathetic?  I think it's very romantic.  And courageous.  And I commend him for his courage and his strength in this.  He is not a simp, he just knows what he wants and is willing to fight for it.  

And I don't think you've been listening.  I did not cheat on my bf.  We were already breaking up.  I had already planned to break up with him before I slept with Dave, but of course I was not going to just text him.  As soon as I got back home I told him what was happening and broke up with him.  

[NuevoYorko]

Wait ... WHAT??  Why is your ex trying to repair wrongs when you had "almost the perfect relationship" and you just decided to cheat on him?  (Yes, you did).   He didn't have anything to do with that and he has no reparations to make to you.   

[ ] I wish we could have a word with the misguided fellow.

 

Edited December 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[introverted1]

3 hours ago, Avayarna said:

He told me though that if I try whatever with someone that he wouldn't be able to talk to me anymore.

Um, doesn't this fit into the category of "whatever":

3 hours ago, Avayarna said:

Last weekend we ended up sleeping together too.

Make sure your bf knows you've had sex with Dave.  That might knock some sense into him. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Avayarna said:

I really like him.

But do I want to be with him or my bf? That's the question.

Insecurity and boredom can cause people to stir up drama. Think about whether you fall into this category.

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, Avayarna said:

And I don't think you've been listening.  I did not cheat on my bf.  We were already breaking up.  I had already planned to break up with him before I slept with Dave, but of course I was not going to just text him.  As soon as I got back home I told him what was happening and broke up with him.  

Are you serious?  This IS cheating!  Just because you were planning to break up with your bf at the time, you were still technically together.  You're not kidding anyone but yourself.  It really sounds like your misguided behavior in regards to relationships is rooted in some very deep immaturity and inexperience with relationships.  If you're not interested in taking people's advice, which it sounds like you're not, then you'll learn through life experience, from making a lot of messy mistakes and reaping the consequences.

2 hours ago, Avayarna said:

And you say what he is doing is pathetic?  I think it's very romantic.  And courageous.  And I commend him for his courage and his strength in this.  He is not a simp, he just knows what he wants and is willing to fight for it.  

Cringey, really cringey this is.  This is not how healthy relationships work.  There's nothing noble about "fighting" for someone.  You shouldn't have to do that in a healthy, functional relationship.  Again, since it sounds like you have your mind made up and you think you know everything, I guess you'll just figure this out in time by making mistakes and learning from them.  Good luck to you.

[glows]

4 hours ago, Avayarna said:

He told me though that if I try whatever with someone that he wouldn't be able to talk to me anymore. I wouldn't only be letting him down but he knows I'm way better than that.

Does your bf know you slept with Dave on Sunday? It doesn’t sound here like he would be too thrilled.

It may seem exciting now and you’re the center of attention but eventually when the shock fades and Dave slowly gets pushed out and blacklisted from the friend group or kicked out because the house is so inhospitable he can’t stay there and your boyfriend begins to see through all this, you may end up alone. Right now, people may feel sorry for you like your mum and sis who have invited you back in. Dave still thinks you’re a prize and your boyfriend is in shock and possibly ignorant or doesn’t know you slept with someone else. 

When the dust settles, all this will catch up to a person. You’re fortunate to have your family but even they may be tired of you moving in and out eventually. People have lives and you’re disrupting them with these decisions you’ve been making. It would be fine if you made up your mind and started on a new course. Going back and forth like this gets old very fast.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

, I guess you'll just figure this out in time by making mistakes and learning from them.  

OP learning from mistakes is the key to growth, but it sounds like at this point you have no desire to learn. I dated a woman in her 40s and her past was riddled with the same type of thing you’re doing. Infidelity, weak boundaries, basically doing whatever she felt like in the moment because in her mind her feelings were the most important thing. She too loved the grand gestures of men because it invoked strong feelings and a feeling of being desired. But she was very damaged and there is a sea of pain in her wake and two dysfunctional kids to boot. Don’t let this become you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Avayarna said:

Are we doomed?

Your relationship with both of these men is doomed. 

Netiher one will still be there a year from now. Mark my words. 

[Calmandfocused]

Op, you seem adamant that you didn’t cheat on your boyfriend. Clearly there is a big difference of opinion and I’m also in the camp that you did. 
 

You’re telling yourself you didn’t cheat  to make yourself feel better and manage your guilt. However for the purpose of your own development you’d be wise to own your actions in all of this.

You say that you split up with your boyfriend last weekend on the Sunday. You say that you slept with Dave last weekend. Are we to assume that as soon as you finished with your boyfriend you went straight over to Dave and slept with him? Was that wise or helpful to yourself do you think? 
 

Op I think you’re very confused. You need space to clear your head and work out what you want. But first untangle yourself from the weeds.

[Lisa]

Thread is under moderator review

[Avayarna]

After one cheats (me) and the other person is willing to overcome it (my bf but on a break) is it possible (in your opinion) to get back what was once there? I know it would take lots of time but is it possible, if we both want it?  Or is the relationship doomed to never be the same again?

And PLEASE just give me your honest opinions.  Thanks