Why do I feel this way when I already have the perfect BF?

[salparadise]

9 hours ago, Avayarna said:

My bf says we can get that back.  The question is:  can you?  Can the relationship get that initial excitement back.

Not with your body still tingling hours after Dave touched you... and Dave hanging out in an apartment nearby. Dave is really not doing a very good job at proliferating his genes. If he were just a tiny bit assertive this would've been moved to a different forum already.

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, salparadise said:

Not with your body still tingling hours after Dave touched you... and Dave hanging out in an apartment nearby. Dave is really not doing a very good job at proliferating his genes. If he were just a tiny bit assertive this would've been moved to a different forum already.

I'm pretty sure that it's going to be moving to the different forum in the next couple of days; the tryst with Dave is scheduled for the weekend.  Because it would be "low" not to meet him in the apartment which he'll have all to himself in order to tell him she won't be seeing him anymore.  

[Lauriebell82]

Yes, I think you are having cold feet about your relationship getting more serious. But there are also some things in your relationship that seem to not be working as well as they used to, so it would stand to reason that when this happens people start adapting what I like to call "grass is always greener syndrome" where they start becoming more attracted to others outside their relationship..they think these people can give them what they don't have in their current relationship. But often this is not the case. Usually what is "missing" in the current relationship has more to do with themselves rather then their partner or the relationship itself. 

My question to you OP is, are you truly ready for marriage and for these next steps with your boyfriend? Are you ready to start planning a life with your current boyfriend? I feel that this emotional affair you have been having is probably symptomatic of your own feelings about your relationship. Yes, this has happened to me in the context of developing feelings for other men while in serious relationships. It never went as far as developing any kind of relationship but I felt bad that I had feelings for someone else. But hey, it can happen when you least expect it, people are only human. I never acted on these feelings though, emotional or otherwise. I refocused on my current relationship and tried to make a decision on the course of that relationship but did see it as a sign that something within me needed changed. 

I would decide what it is you truly want, do you want to be single and try to date or do you want to have a serious relationship leading to marriage? It appears that you cannot have both in this context. So it's up to you to do some soul searching and decide, but please dont stay with your boyfriend just because "he's a nice guy." That's not fair to him or to you. Being a nice guy is not a good enough reason to marry someone! 

[Noproblem]

Honestly this means you don't like your bf, stop holding on to him and wasting his time please. Just because he is a such a good catch doesn't mean you have to keep him as a safety net for your BETTER FUTURE!

You either gonna cheat emotionally, or physically too.

I mean you kinda already cheating emotionally.

Your bf deserve better and quiet frankly you too, since eventually you wanna be with someone you actually love and be faithful to.

So you are obviously not there yet, let go of your bf, be single and then whoever you wanna play around with, you can go for it.

But stop this bs now,  this is emotional cheating even if you haven't slept together yet, you will eventually!

So leave the bf and be single and then do whatever! Who cares!

 

As for telling him about DAVE, you really don't have to say it if you haven't cheated actually, then no need to hurt him, Just say you stopped loving him. Why add salt to the wound. I didn't read all details, but from what I saw, you only liked Dave but didn't cheat physically yet, so no need to tell the bf. Just tell him you stopped loving him!

 

Edited December 18, 2022 by Noproblem

[Avayarna]

Well, I have a update. I finally ended it with my bf yesterday.  This weekend made me realize that my feelings for Dave are too strong and I'm tired of always sneaking around and hiding things.  I'm not convinced tho that the posters who said I should have just texted him were right.  Seeing Dave in person ended up helping me realize that I really want to be single again.  Otherwise I would have just prolonged the inevitable and eventually it would have been even harder.

This time I told him the truth.  I told him that I have feelings for someone else, and I can't keep feeling like this when he puts his all into the relationship but me not to him.  At first he got really angry.  He told me that he feels like he was lied to, and that I should have just told him the truth from the beginning.  He also said that no relationship is perfect, and that I would soon discover that the grass is always not greener on the other side. 

I feel good that I was honest and I feel a little bit more free now, but we were living together so last night I went to my mom's house.  But I will need to get a roommate and my own place as soon as I'm able.  I'm feeling a little bit scared because it's such a new situation (we lived together like 3 years).  I'm really disorganized right now trying to readapt to living with my mom and sister again.  But I know it takes time and I will adjust.

Another thing I'm confused about is isn't it ok to still be friends?  After 5 years together?  Or do we really have to never speak again?  Because I'm not sure either he or his family wants to talk to me anymore, and that's just sad, and immature imho.  After 5 years you would think you could break up more maturely.  But apparently I'm getting the silent treatment.  He didn't say a word to me the rest of the day, even while helping me move out some of my things.  And he didn't even say goodbye or anything when I left.  

[NuevoYorko]

You "finally" broke up with him?  On Wednesday you said you were not going to break up with him. You sure move fast.   Oh well, good for you.  

You've got to be kidding about "being friends."   Maybe one day in the far distant future there could be grounds for friendship.  I doubt it though.  

Have you decided what you're going to do about the money you received from his family for your education?   I get the idea it was meant as a "gift" but under the circumstances I would think it appropriate for you to start repaying it.

How are you planning on dealing with your former almost sister in law going forward?  Conducting your passion for Dave under the same roof with her would be beyond awkward - probably venturing into the "yuck" territory.  Out of respect for your ex / her brother / their entire family, what you shared and what they've done for you,  please keep yourself scarce over there.  You and Dave can get a room.  

Anyway,  I'm glad you stopped your charade and freed yourself up, since that's where you honestly are & need to be in your life.   

[stillafool]

Good for you for telling your bf the truth and letting him go.  Of course he's hurt, upset and feels betrayed.  No you cannot be his friend.  He's in too much pain and needs to heal his heart and soul and move on.  His family also will feel betrayed by you and it's best you stay away.  You need to untangle yourself from his family's finances in paying for your college before they do and they will.  They are going to support their son through this very difficult time in his life.  So do the right thing and leave them to it.

[basil67]

I'm glad that you ended it - this needed to happen

And yes, it's perfectly normal that he and his family want to move on from you being in their lives.  Especially given that your boyfriend is quite reasonably upset about you having a thing for someone else while you were with him.  Having you around will slow him from moving on and each time he sees you, he will remember your emotional betrayal.   For what it's worth, even without betrayal, most people leave exes in the past.  Let's face it, would you really want to date a guy who's got a plethora of exes still in his life?  

Remember, it's not all about you.  He has to do what's best for himself too. 

[Avayarna]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

How are you planning on dealing with your former almost sister in law going forward?  Conducting your passion for Dave under the same roof with her would be beyond awkward - probably venturing into the "yuck" territory.  Out of respect for your ex / her brother / their entire family, what you shared and what they've done for you,  please keep yourself scarce over there.  You and Dave can get a room.   

Of course.  I would never go over there when my bf's sister is there.  But she usually stays with their parents on the weekends, so it's ok for me to go over there from after work friday to around 9 or so sunday evening.

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

And yes, it's perfectly normal that he and his family want to move on from you being in their lives.  Especially given that your boyfriend is quite reasonably upset about you having a thing for someone else while you were with him.  Having you around will slow him from moving on and each time he sees you, he will remember your emotional betrayal.   For what it's worth, even without betrayal, most people leave exes in the past.  Let's face it, would you really want to date a guy who's got a plethora of exes still in his life?  

Remember, it's not all about you.  He has to do what's best for himself too. 

I know basil.  It's just so sad.  

[poppyfields]

I'm glad you ended your relationship with your boyfriend as well, but what happened or is happening with Dave?  .

You went to see him Friday night, yes? 

I don't mean to pry but I think many of us or at least some of us are dying to know, did something happen?  

I mean it appears you broke up with your boyfriend soon afterwards so is it safe to assume you're going to start dating Dave?  

If so, no judgment at all, I've been there myself and my "Dave" and I lasted six years.

In any event, it's very sad about the ending of your relationship but it was time, it appeared to have run its course regardless of Dave. 

All the best moving forward.

 

 

Edited December 19, 2022 by poppyfields

[Beachead]

@Avayarna

2 hours ago, Avayarna said:

Another thing I'm confused about is isn't it ok to still be friends?  After 5 years together?  Or do we really have to never speak again?  Because I'm not sure either he or his family wants to talk to me anymore, and that's just sad, and immature imho.  After 5 years you would think you could break up more maturely.  But apparently I'm getting the silent treatment.  He didn't say a word to me the rest of the day, even while helping me move out some of my things.  And he didn't even say goodbye or anything when I left.  

It's good you broke up but refrain from calling him immature when you've boldly claimed  "I love my boyfriend and I see a future with him" but 180'd into to this.  You just finished shattering his heart for a guy you met through his sister.   His reaction is consistent with someone who was blindsided by heartbreak.

He's going to need a long time and complete space from you to process, accept, make peace with, and move forward from the 5 years of time, energy and resources that he invested in you, that he'll never get back.  The thought of being friends with you right now is insulting.  It's a demotion.  He's pissed, disappointed, numbed out, sad etc. with you, with himself.  He didn't want this and now because of you, he has to go through this pain and betrayal he feels you've caused him.   There's a lot there.  There's nothing you can do about it and you're not going to be the one to fix it.

It took me a few years to get over my breakups. The process was slow and it was painful.  When you're on the receiving end of these things, it's a different beast.

All in all, you don't want him so atleast respect that he has to do what's best for him so that he can move forward.  It's not his job to help you through this.  You don't get to choose what parts of the relationship or him, you want to keep.   Ending it means, you lose that person, for the indefinite future.  That's what a breakup is.

Your family will be in your corner.  His family is going to be in his corner.  Simple as that.

Best of luck to you

- Feather

 

 

Edited December 19, 2022 by MisterFeather

[Avayarna]

52 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I mean it appears you broke up with your boyfriend soon afterwards so is it safe to assume you're going to start dating Dave?  

Well, I guess you could say we were already kind of "dating" even before I broke up with my bf.  Which was why breaking up was the only right thing to do.  

As far as Dave is concerned, I'm not sure how he feels about us.  I mean, I know he wants to be with me, but I think he wants to take things slow because he lives with my bf's sister.  He says he doesn't want her or anyone else who knows her to find out about us. I've told him that I don't want it to be like that forever and he doesn't really say much back.

We did go out to breakfast together last weekend but it was at a place where none of his friends hang out.  But he did invite me to go with him to a party next weekend, so I guess there's that. But I don't see why we have to wait until next weekend.  We should be able to see each other during the week as he gets off work at 6.  But he still texts me all the time and says things like he thinks he's falling in love with me.

What do you think?  Am I just being naive?

[NuevoYorko]

Oh come on.  You've been skulking around for a few weeks trying to avoid your ex's sister and your obligations to your ex himself. Stop.  

 

[ccas93]

50 minutes ago, Avayarna said:

But he did invite me to go with him to a party next weekend, so I guess there's that. But I don't see why we have to wait until next weekend.

next weekend is christmas. assuming you celebrate it. don't you have family or something to hang out with next weekend?

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Avayarna said:

We did go out to breakfast together last weekend but it was at a place where none of his friends hang out.

Do you get the sense he's placing limitations on your time together and/or wanting to keep you a secret?  

If so, why?  Seems shady after telling you how much he wanted to be with you when you were IN the relationship with your boyfriend (now-ex) and unavailable.

A bit of a bait and switch now that you've ended your relationship and suddenly are available? 

1 hour ago, Avayarna said:

But he did invite me to go with him to a party next weekend, so I guess there's that.

Hmmm, next weekend is Christmas.

1 hour ago, Avayarna said:

But he still texts me all the time and says things like he thinks he's falling in love with me.

Focus on his actions, not words. Words are meaningless without.  Don't get caught up in the texting, texting is not dating. 

Anyway, I have a suspicion what's happening but it's too soon to be sure. 

Except to say if you do end up having a relationship with him, expect it to be very different from your relationship with you now ex. 

I recall your posting he was/is a "player" and as such it's quite possible he found you more intriguing when you were unavailable. 

But that's only speculation based on what I've learned about such situations.

My own situation was different; I had to actually tell my new guy to slow down after I broke up with my long time boyfriend.  He was moving way too fast.

But time will tell, good luck. 

 

Edited December 19, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Avayarna said:

Well, I guess you could say we were already kind of "dating" even before I broke up with my bf.  Which was why breaking up was the only right thing to do.  

As far as Dave is concerned, I'm not sure how he feels about us.  I mean, I know he wants to be with me, but I think he wants to take things slow because he lives with my bf's sister.  He says he doesn't want her or anyone else who knows her to find out about us. I've told him that I don't want it to be like that forever and he doesn't really say much back.

We did go out to breakfast together last weekend but it was at a place where none of his friends hang out.  But he did invite me to go with him to a party next weekend, so I guess there's that. But I don't see why we have to wait until next weekend.  We should be able to see each other during the week as he gets off work at 6.  But he still texts me all the time and says things like he thinks he's falling in love with me.

What do you think?  Am I just being naive?

Of course he doesn't want your ex's sister (his flatmate) to know!  It would make his whole living situation untenable, as well as whatever reputation he has among any other mutual friends.    If he does want a relationship with you (and that's a big IF) I suspect you'll have to keep it under wraps until there has been a respectable amount of time since you broke up with your previous boyfriend.  

And yeah, you are being naïve.  From thinking that you could be friends with your ex..... to now thinking that things could easily pick up with Dave.   But surely you thought all this through before breaking up with your BF?

[spiritedaway2003]

Don't worry too much about Dave or what's next there.  Let that happen the way it's supposed to happen.    Take some time for yourself to readjust to being single and living with your Mom and Sis.  You may be a little ahead in terms of realizing that you don't see a future with your ex-boyfriend, and that is absolutely OK.  It's better to break it off now than someday, when you're married with kids and realize how unhappy you are.  Maybe the breakup will hit you at some point, maybe it won't.  Give yourself some time to digest and acclimate to all the changes. 

Your ex-boyfriend will need some time to sort out his emotions.  Being friends is unlikely what he wants now.  He can't heal if you're in the picture.  Taking space apart is actually a good thing. If you feel a sense of relief from the breakup, it's likely that you know it wasn't the right relationship for you even when you think he's the "perfect" boyfriend. 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Avayarna said:

 I'm not sure either he or his family wants to talk to me anymore,

Unfortunately you cheated on him so you'll have to accept that he and his family don't want to be your friends.

Continue the process of moving out as peacefully as possible.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Avayarna said:

Because I'm not sure either he or his family wants to talk to me anymore, and that's just sad, and immature imho

It is not immature. 

They are unhappy to learn you have gotten close to another man. It looks bad, OP. Of course they don't want to talk to you. This was the risk you took when you stepped outside the relationship and chose another guy. It is unrealistic to expect to remain on good terms with your ex and his family. You can't be friends now, and you will probably not be friends in the future either. You can't have it both ways.

5 hours ago, Avayarna said:

Am I just being naive?

Yes. I think you are going to get a cold dose of reality when things don't unfold with Dave the way you expected. Just don't go running back to your ex when that happens. That relationship needed to end either way. But please don't plan for Happily Ever After with this new guy. 

[Alpacalia]

I'm sure your ex and his family will appreciate that you separate yourself from them. Initial breakups aren't well received. You're not responsible for your ex forgiving you. That’s a matter between him and his chosen one.

I broke up with a boyfriend many years ago. My actions weren't as severe, though they weren't exactly commendable either.

He kicked me out of his life, harshly.

We have since repaired our fences with each other and his family.

You aren't the right person for him, and he isn’t the right guy for you. And, although it may sound terrible, breaking his heart may be the best decision of your life — and his.

It’s a hard pill to swallow. Your only option is to accept it.

Edited December 19, 2022 by Alpacalia

[JTSW]

You did the right thing.

Your ex is hurt at the moment and angry but in time that will fade.

As for Dave, I still think he's a wrong un.

He obviously loved the thrill of sneaking around even though you don't have to now, he still wants to keep it a secret.

Shady behaviour. 

This thing with him will now fizzle out quite quickly.

[Beachead]

@Avayarna

Quote

he thinks he's falling in love with me.

Nothing more than hormones and infatuation.  Take it as he likes you what he has with you but remember, words aren't enough.  This guy has to show he's invested.

11 hours ago, Avayarna said:

What do you think?  Am I just being naive?

Yep.  I don't think you really thought this through.

You are going to have to get used to a different lifestyle from the one you had with your boyfriend because this is a brand new thing and a brand new guy. The situation and himself will present a whole set of unique challenges and circumstances; one that will require time and experience and disagreements to unravel.  It's not just about your needs.  It's about his as well. You may find out that Dave and this relationship isn't exactly what you expected it to be.  Neither of you actually know eachother in an everyday relationship capacity yet.   There are no promises this will work out.  Despite this, you will need to be patient and to shut your anxiety down.

You swung from a 5 year relationship straight into this without any time to process what actually happened.  Without time to grieve.  You may eventually find your breakup to affect and interfere with you while you are in this thing with Dave.  

Edited December 19, 2022 by MisterFeather

[salparadise]

12 hours ago, Avayarna said:

We did go out to breakfast together last weekend but it was at a place where none of his friends hang out.

So Friday, when Dave had the apartment to himself, you were going to see him to tell him you can't see him anymore and recommit to the BF... then you come back to say you went to breakfast with Dave and broke up with your long-time boyfriend. What exactly happened in between, and how was it? 

Dave is being cautious, perhaps a bit avoidant. He doesn't want to be caught up in a scandal, and doesn't want to go all-in head first. Looks like you are now in the position of pursuing Dave. I'd bet you'd like to flip the script on that, eh? 

I do commend you for being able to walk away from money, the tingling thing notwithstanding.

Edited December 19, 2022 by salparadise

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Looks like you are now in the position of pursuing Dave. I'd bet you'd like to flip the script on that, eh? 

Some guys do not commit to girls who cheated on their bfs to be with them.  They figure if you cheated on him you'll cheat on them too.  Maybe you aren't looking for another relationship this soon after breaking up with you bf.  Most people wouldn't be but would need time to process the break up.

[salparadise]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Some guys do not commit to girls who cheated on their bfs to be with them.  They figure if you cheated on him you'll cheat on them too.

Or even if the specific reasoning isn't front and center, for some of us there is the feeling [or absence] of integrity and congruity. But yea, messing around has different criteria than a committed relationship

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Maybe you aren't looking for another relationship this soon after breaking up with you bf.  Most people wouldn't be but would need time to process the break up.

This was a monkey branch breakup based on intense sexual attraction and the tingly thing. I think "most people" would be terribly frustrated if they ended a long-term relationship and the new guy wasn't all over it.