Why do I feel this way when I already have the perfect BF?

[Avayarna]

I’m really confused right now and am having trouble understanding myself.  I’m having contradictory feelings and I’m hoping somebody here can please help me. 

So I (24) have been with my bf (28) for 5 happy years. And for the most part everything has been really great.  Almost perfect really.  We are very much in love and he and his family have treat me better than any guy ever has (including paying for my college).  I’m very much in love with him and I would say we are definitely soulmates.  We get along and do things together, but also give each other space.  I know he loves me and will do anything for me.  He’s the kinda guy your Mom would like you to date because he’s got a good job, owns a house, is nice, and trustworthy, etc, and until recently I could never even imagine being with anyone else.  We are basically planning for marriage even tho he hasn’t yet formally proposed.

I would even call it a perfect relationship, other than perhaps two “minor” things.  One is that sometimes I feel more like a friend/sister to him because we’re so comfortable around each other.  The other is our sexual relationship – I’m not as attracted to him as I used to be, but I think that is pretty normal after 3 years of living together.

Anyways, I had no doubts about anything until a few weeks ago when I met my boyfriends sisters roommate (Dave).  We seemed to really get along and I found myself intensely attracted to him. I was surprised, even shocked, by my reaction because since I’ve been with my bf I have never even thought about another man.  Let alone a “bad” guy like this one who has no career, long hair, smokes lots of weed, and plays in a band.  Not ordinarily the kind of guy I’d go for, and definitely not in my bf’s league.  But somehow I’m incredibly attracted to him and I’ve been going over there to see him quite frequently.  We haven’t done anything yet,  just talk and flirt, but I have met up with him a few times for coffee and it’s become pretty obvious that we have feelings for each other.

My feelings are hard to process because it’s obvious to me that this guy isn’t even in my bf’s league.  He has no career and has a reputation of being a player.  All my friends tell me I’m crazy to even be thinking about him when I already have such a great bf.  And I know they’re right.  But somehow my thoughts and feelings keep going back to him.  I find myself fantasizing about being with him and I keep rationalizing about how he’s changed and seems to want to settle down now.

To make matters worse, last week Dave finally opened up and told me how he feels about me.  He says he really likes me and wants see where it could go, but he also understands I am already taken and can respect that.  I was taken aback by his honesty, and ended up encouraging him by talking negatively about my bf, giving the impression that things weren’t going great and I was thinking of leaving him.  Which I later regretted because of course my bf and I get along great and the ONLY reason I’d even think of leaving him would be to be with Dave. 

Anyways, we’ve been talking and texting every day and I now realize I’m really starting to like him but I’m not sure what to do about it.  I even almost went on a real date with him the other day but backed out because it would be “cheating”.  I feel like I’m going crazy thinking about them and trying to decide what to do.  I mean, I love my bf so much and know he’s the best for me, but I can’t get rid of these feelings I have for Dave and I keep wondering what if.

I even tried to break up with my bf awhile ago but didn’t have the heart to leave him.  But I didn’t tell him about Dave, instead I made up a bunch of stuff about being too young to marry and not being sure about settling down.  But the truth is that I just wanted to be free to date Dave without worrying about being caught.  Which I really feel bad about because I’ve always been totally honest with him and have always said that honesty is the most important thing in a relationship.  But I didn’t have the heart to tell him there’s someone else even tho I know he’s already getting wind of it.   

Lately I’ve been thinking that the only solution is to just tell my bf that I think we’re going too fast and that I think we should take a break for awhile.  That way I could see Dave without it being cheating.  But of course my bf could do the same and so I’m afraid I’m going to regret it.  I mean, is it worth taking a chance when I already have a guy who I know loves me more than anything and has treat me better than any guy ever has?  Who has a good job, house, etc?  For a guy with no career who has a reputation of being a player? 

And yet my feelings for this guy just won’t go away.  I even promised myself a couple days ago I would stop contacting him only to start texting him again later that day.  Which makes me feel as if I’m not able to stop myself, something that I find really unsettling.

Is this just a case of cold feet or something?  Or is it something else?  I guess I’m just really confused right now and not sure what I really want.  My mind keeps going back and forth between the two of them.

Has anyone else ever experienced something like this?   What should I do?

[glows]

Without your own career and house you don’t have much to lose, to be frank. It sounds like you’ve not worked at all or at the kind of level it takes to earn and pay for your own education and roof over your head. How can you be expected to know who to marry or who is compatible with you? 

It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is the one for you even though you can’t put your finger on it. This other person Dave is an unknown but if he smokes a lot or weed or is still a big pothead then consider yourself warned. That habit can take a person down no matter how big they talk or what kinds of sweet nothings he’s feeding you. 

You may just need more time on your own to grow, make mistakes and enjoy your life. Your boyfriend may even know that but is in denial. Be honest with yourself and figure out your own independence too. Don’t depend on any one to buy you things or pay your way.

Edited December 12, 2022 by glows

[poppyfields]

Yes and I dumped my boyfriend (of four years) and began dating the new guy.

After which my new boyfriend and I were together six years, got engaged, I broke it off for reasons that aren't important now. 

But we were happy, in love, passionate about each other and our attraction and sex life were off the charts. 

The relationship with your boyfriend does not sound "perfect" at all, not sure how you can even say that!

You're not attracted to him, it feels more like brother/sister and the sex sucks.  How is this perfect?   Your soulmate?   

Something's not jiving.

Other than that, agree with @glows.  You are only 24, discovery who you are first, live life, make mistakes, learn, grow, evolve. 

Become happy on your own, love yourself first.

 

 

 

Edited December 12, 2022 by poppyfields

[ccas93]

you're already on the verge of cheating on boyfriend.  

what is so attractive about Dave to you even though you don't respect his lifestyle, and doesn't sound like he's in a great place to get serious with someone? His looks? The way you guys interact? genuinely curious.

I say go ahead and make this mistake and learn from it. 

just respect your bf enough to not run back to him when things don't workout with Dave

Edited December 12, 2022 by ccas93

[Avayarna]

2 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

you're already on the verge of cheating on boyfriend.  

what is so attractive about Dave to you even though you don't respect his lifestyle, and doesn't sound like he's in a great place to get serious with someone? His looks? The way you guys interact? genuinely curious.

I say go ahead and make this mistake and learn from it. 

Yes, his looks and how he makes me feel.  But I would never cheat on my bf.

So are you all saying I should break up with my bf?  Or should I just tell him what's up and see where it goes?

I'm just really afraid to let my bf go because I'm afraid I'll regret it.  He's great and we have a life together.  And I love him and I know he loves me.  I would hate to throw that all away just to "discover who I am and evolve" as you put it.

[ccas93]

3 minutes ago, Avayarna said:

Yes, his looks and how he makes me feel.  But I would never cheat on my bf.

So are you all saying I should break up with my bf?  Or should I just tell him what's up and see where it goes?

I'm just really afraid to let my bf go because I'm afraid I'll regret it.  He's great and we have a life together.  And I love him and I know he loves me.  I would hate to throw that all away just to "discover who I am and evolve" as you put it.

maybe resist this temptation then. the grass isn't always better tasting even if it looks greener!

[BaileyB]

This sounds very much like a previous post on this site. 

[poppyfields]

OP, I really do think at the very least, you should be attracted to your boyfriend and enjoy being physically/sexually intimate with him.

You posted your relationship feels like brother/sister, that is NOT how a happy, healthy, intimate, romantic relationship is supposed to feel.

Feeling comfy cozy together is nice but it's not enough, you're only 24 for cripes sake.

I've been there too and ending my relationship was the best decision.

I recall telling my mom, I need to be with a man who I enjoy having sex with, who I'm attracted to!

Don't you?  If you stay, you will continue to have other attractions like with Dave, which is unfair to your boyfriend.

This is a no brainer, end it for both your sakes, it's run its course. 

And yes I echo @BaileyBthis sounds identical to another thread recently posted, but I'll let the mods figure that out.

 

 

Edited December 12, 2022 by poppyfields

[ShyViolet]

I don't think this is about "Dave" at all.  You are very young, 24, and you've been with the same guy for 5 years.  Is he the only guy you've ever been with?  You're obviously getting very bored in your relationship.  I don't care how "perfect" and what a great guy your bf is, when you're 24 years old and have never gotten the chance to experience dating around and seeing what's out there since the age of 19, you're going to feel like you're being deprived of something.  Dating around when you're in your 20's and experiencing being with different people is the essence of life.

When I was 18 I entered into my first serious relationship.  It was a wonderful relationship and we were in love, it was definitely my first love.  We were together for 3 years.  I had actually never been with anyone else.  But the relationship fell apart three years into it because I was the one who started feeling very bored, dissatisfied and started developing very strong feelings for just wanting to see what else was out there.  So I did leave that relationship and I did what I think every young person in their 20s should do, I experienced life and I dated a variety of people.  

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Avayarna said:

Yes, his looks and how he makes me feel.  But I would never cheat on my bf.

 

You're already betraying him by talking smack about him with a guy you have the hots for - who happens to be HIS SISTER'S ROOMMATE!   I have a feeling that your secret will be out soon.  

[Wiseman2]

Don't throw away a good thing for a crush. Your relationship sounds stale and dull. Like a security blanket. Do you work? Try to get out of the rut. Coasting along taking things for granted won't end well.

Daydreaming about someone who represents not being stuck in the domestic drudgery you are in, is something to reflect on.

[ExpatInItaly]

You were 19 when you started dating your boyfriend. You likely have little other experience with guys. 

And now you have realized you've outgrown it and are ready to move on. This is common when people start serious relationships at a young age. You shouldn't already be struggling with sexual attraction to your boyfriend at this point. But the fact that you are indicates things have been stale and regressing for a while. This is your cue that this relationship isn't great and you need to stretch your wings now. I was in your position many years ago, and I knew I had to break up with my ex. There was no other guy on my radar, but I wasn't ready to settle down and be with just him forever. So I ended it, and it was a good decision. I never regretted it. 

8 hours ago, Avayarna said:

I’ve been thinking that the only solution is to just tell my bf that I think we’re going too fast and that I think we should take a break for awhile.

No. You have been together five years, so it's not "moving too fast" and he's going to see right through that. You need to be honest that your feelings aren't the same anymore and you cannot continue. Don't suggest a break. That is not fair to him, and you need put your Big Girl Pants on and let him go cleanly without trying to keep him around as a back-up in case ol' Dave turns out to be a dud. 

Because this is not really about Dave. It's about you growing up and growing apart from your boyfriend, and not having the life experience yet to see that this relationship has run its course. If you don't end it, there will be other Daves in the future. I guarantee it. 

 

[Gaeta]

Feeling like a brother/sister feeling happens often when we enter a relationship in our teen years. You are not the woman you were 5 years ago, you went from a teen girl to a woman. So you kind of 'grew up' with him. We do a lot of growing up during that period that's where the sibling feeling comes from.

If you don't break up with your bf now  you'll just be pushing the innevitable a little further down the road. 

No, you cannot have your cake and eat it too by temporary breaking up with your bf to go experiment with the 'bad boy'. You owe your bf and his family more respect than that.

And finally, you are attracted and building feelings toward this new man because your heart was free, you are not 'in love' with bf any longer. Be honest with yourself. 

Edited December 12, 2022 by Gaeta

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This sounds very much like a previous post on this site. 

It does, right down to the boyfriend's parents paying for her college education. 

[stillafool]

I think you should go ahead and break up with your boyfriend and go with this other guy.   You like his bad boy looks and style so go ahead and experience him.  Please let your boyfriend go first and don't cheat on him.  Btw going over this guy's house and texting is already cheating, so let your bf go so he can be with a girl who actually appreciates and wants him.  Both of you should be happy.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Avayarna said:

Or should I just tell him what's up and see where it goes?

Why would you inflict a crush and passing fancy on your BF? This isn't about Mr. badboy, this is about your relationship stagnating or fears about missing out.

[glows]

12 hours ago, Avayarna said:

Yes, his looks and how he makes me feel.  But I would never cheat on my bf.

So are you all saying I should break up with my bf?  Or should I just tell him what's up and see where it goes?

I'm just really afraid to let my bf go because I'm afraid I'll regret it.  He's great and we have a life together.  And I love him and I know he loves me.  I would hate to throw that all away just to "discover who I am and evolve" as you put it.

There may always be a what-if. If not this person, someone else. Are you sure Dave isn’t all talk? Ask yourself what else you know about him. What is he doing at your bf’s sister’s place? Are they strictly platonic or do they have a history? How do they know one another? Don’t you think Dave has turned on the charm for other women who aren’t available? Why would he if he knows you’re in a relationship? 

It doesn’t sound like your heart is in it with your relationship considering you’re seriously contemplating being with another man. 

Usually crushes fade or someone knows they’d rather be with their partner. You aren’t sure. You’ve gone so far as to think of ways to break up in order to be with someone else. It doesn’t suggest you’re as interested or committed to the relationship. 

Seeing as you’ve met with Dave a few times outside of visits to their place, I’m sure his sister and others have already noticed. I’m not surprised if your flirting or any sexual chemistry has gone back to your boyfriend already. Do you believe your boyfriend doesn’t know anything? I’m genuinely curious as a lot of the time couples can be oblivious to others when they’re together. Your relationship may be as good as over or your boyfriend doesn’t care which also causes more questions. 

[smackie9]

Sorry to say this but you are cheating on your BF even tho it's emotional, it's the same has a physical one, you have stepped out of your relationship....take a think for a sec and switch places with your BF....what would you call this if your BF was doing the same with another girl...you already had two meet ups with this guy, like dates and he expressed his feelings for you. If you are doing it in secret then you shouldn't be doing it right?

Breakup with your BF. It only took a weed smokin scub to make you realize your BF isn't the one and that says a lot about how you actually feel about your relationship. Hell you are only 24, you never had a chance to date around as an adult. Go scratch that itch. Since you have been together for so long, you owe it to your BF the honest truth....about how the relationship felt as brother and sister, and not sexually attracted to him for awhile, and mention that you met someone as painful as that may sound. better to let him know instead of him finding out through the grapevine. 

[mark clemson]

Live and learn. Just don't let a baby come out of this.

While I'm not a huge fan of red pill "theories" overall, you might take a look at the concept of "beta bucks".

Perhaps one day you'll fine a guy with some overlap between the positive aspects of both of these guys (and for good qualities, e.g. "the new guy has talent and "independence" and I'm going to guess good looks and knows how to keep a gal interested, so it's not like he's all bad) and be ready for a longer term relationship/marriage, etc.

Edited December 12, 2022 by mark clemson

[Calmandfocused]

You won’t be able to “date” Dave Op. Dave doesn’t have a job, nor does he have any money. What little money he does have is likely to spent on his substance addiction. 
 

If you don’t want to be with your boyfriend Op then don’t be. It sounds like you don’t want to settle down right now and that is absolutely fine. However one things for sure; you won’t be running off into the sunset with Dave! 
 

Likewise, I agree that I’ve read this story before. 
 

Remember you should be in a relationship because you want to be in it. Not because you feel you should be. This isn’t fair on your boyfriend who deserves to be with someone who truly wants him, and the point is that deep down you don’t. 
 

 

 

[Stret]

What you feel is chemistry and infatuation. Those things are kind of superficial in my book and can lead you to the wrong person. Dave is a typical player who has experience getting under the skin of women he wants to date. He's a story teller and you shouldn't be surprised by his "honesty" - it is probably very normal for him to say the words that get women interested in him. He has probably noticed your reaction to him and figured he can get you if he turns it on and for him it is just a chase. If you end up in a relationship with him, you will probably break up, be unhappy and not feel safe, valued, protected, taken care of... like you do now. Having said all that, your BF is not supposed to be just an objectively suitable man for you. You still need to love him like a man and not like a brother. If you don't - let him go. Do him a favour. Nobody wants to spend life with a woman who is not attracted to them.  What you need is the third person - a guy who is like your BF but with whom you have chemistry. 

[poppyfields]

20 hours ago, Avayarna said:

Let alone a “bad” guy like this one who has no career, long hair, smokes lots of weed, and plays in a band. 

 

20 hours ago, Avayarna said:

a guy with no career who has a reputation of being a player? 

 

20 hours ago, Avayarna said:

last week Dave finally opened up and told me how he feels about me.  He says he really likes me and wants see where it could go, but he also understands I am already taken and can respect that. 

I just re-read your original post, and the above three comments stood out to me.

I have dated a lot of men prior to marriage, good guys, bad guys, players, you name it.  And in my experience there is no way a guy like him (unemployed wannabe musician, weed smoker and "player") is going to make himself vulnerable to you and say what he said in the third comment, unless it's BS to get you into bed.

I would NOT trust it, it's simply not jiving.

Lord, good guys who are sincere about a woman would feel uncomfortable revealing that, and you think a weed smoking, unemployed "player" is gonna say something like this and be sincere?

Girl, you REALLY need more experience.

As everyone has been saying, do right by your "perfect" boyfriend and end this relationship or glorified friendship.

I would also advise you to dump  Dave too, unless you're up for some casual sex and fun.

[NuevoYorko]

I wonder what the boyfriend's sister / room mate of hot badboy has been reporting to her brother?  I mean ... you've been "going over there quite frequently to see him."   Will drama ensue?

[Avayarna]

So I've been reading all of your responses while I was at work today, and it seems that a lot of people think I should just break up with my bf.

Well, the problem is that I already considered that, and I did try to break up with him.  But I just couldn't.  I love him too much and we have a history together.  Plus, he's been such a great bf I would feel guilty.  The way I was feeling while I was talking to him about it was that I was doing something really wrong.  I'm not sure how to describe it, but it definitely didn't feel right.

Others are saying I don't really love him anymore.  Well, I still feel like I love him, and I definitely have loved him, but maybe I'm falling out of love?  I don't know.  Yes sometimes I do feel like something is missing (passion, excitement), but I always thought that was a normal phase couples go through in a long term relationship.  How can I know?

As far as Dave is concerned, some seem to say 'go for it' while others say stay away.  And of course I have to decide but that is whole point.  I can't!  A part of me wants to, but another part of me is scared.  Scared I'll end up regretting it.  Dave will go back to being a dick and I'll have lost the greatest thing that ever happened to me.  So I seem to be stuck.  And having all these conflicting feelings.

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I wonder what the boyfriend's sister / room mate of hot badboy has been reporting to her brother?  I mean ... you've been "going over there quite frequently to see him."   Will drama ensue?

Well, I have been very careful.  But I do think his sister has said something to him based on his body language.  I think he's aware there might be another guy but since we haven't done anything yet he is probably unsure.  But I have not spoken with him about Dave, and he has not accused me of anything.  I actually have not done anything (but flirt) nor will I.  I am not a cheater but my feelings are what they are.

I want to tell him everything but I'm afraid of hurting him.  I know this isn't right, but I feel like he hasn't been hurt yet because I haven't told him anything.  But if I confess what is going on I'm not sure he could handle it.  I know he loves me more than anything and telling him I'm attracted to another guy would be devastating for him imho.

Surely there must be some "delicate" way out of this situation?

[glows]

8 minutes ago, Avayarna said:

Surely there must be some "delicate" way out of this situation?

Of course there is. It’s completely removing Dave as any contact and remaining civil only in mutual circles and letting him know you’re in a committed relationship. Respectfully keep your distance and lay all this to rest instead of reading too much into the crush. 

If you’re suggesting you put your bf on the backburner (asking for a “break”) while you date around with other men and then expect your boyfriend to take you back if things crash and burn, you’re very naive. Your bf may forgive you and understand that’s what you need to grow but it’s unlikely someone will trust you again. You could do the same thing to him again in the future.