New relationship, new issues.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

The only reason i’m sticking around is because he said his situation is temporary. 

Yes but, not temporary in the way you understand it. Earlier in this thread he mentionned he wouldn't work that much 'in a few years'. Did you ask him his definition of 'temporary'?

[NuevoYorko]

I don't think he's evil at all.  I feel for the chap.  It seems either he made an unrealistic commitment based on "hope," or else he misread you and believed that you were onboard with his reality.  Clearly you are not.  The reasons for that are unclear to me since you've said often that you understood his situation and knew what you were getting into.  

From my perspective you're getting into out of bounds territory by speaking negatively about his kids,  their mother,  and his parenting commitment to them.   You signed up for it, but now you're facing the reality that you're unable to handle it.  

The below quote is meaningful:

2 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

Every man lacks SOMETHING and I cant keep running because i cant have my way right this second.

 This is a surefire path to failure in a relationship.  Nobody is perfect, even you.  If we love someone we love their weaker points too.  We don't enter relationships just waiting until the time finally comes when we can have our own way.  This really sounds entitled and like you are having a childish tantrum.  It's a give and take the whole time.   You're not there.

[HazelBliss]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I missed that 

@HazelBliss  why do you refer to his children in this manner.  It sounds like you see them as irritants 

Where are you from? Because now its becoming apparent we have a cultural difference. I didn’t mean anything by it.. this is texting.. you cannot “feel” what I’m saying so just stop. some of you are nitpicking at this point, trying to find the most miniscule thing to attack me about.

Clearly the dynamic between them isnt great otherwise I wouldnt have brought that up.. couldnt catch that huh.. but you catch everything else LOL. And i’m not telling all their business on here just know she is vindictive. That type of woman.  

[HazelBliss]

6 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I don't think he's evil at all.  I feel for the chap.  It seems either he made an unrealistic commitment based on "hope," or else he misread you and believed that you were onboard with his reality.  Clearly you are not.  The reasons for that are unclear to me since you've said often that you understood his situation and knew what you were getting into.  

From my perspective you're getting into out of bounds territory by speaking negatively about his kids,  their mother,  and his parenting commitment to them.   You signed up for it, but now you're facing the reality that you're unable to handle it.  

The below quote is meaningful:

 This is a surefire path to failure in a relationship.  Nobody is perfect, even you.  If we love someone we love their weaker points too.  We don't enter relationships just waiting until the time finally comes when we can have our own way.  This really sounds entitled and like you are having a childish tantrum.  It's a give and take the whole time.   You're not there.

No, I just think that your mind is made up about who you think I am, so anything I say is going to be wrong or be misconstrued. Same for the others. Saying Im speaking negatively about his kids is a farrrrrrrrr reach and quite sad. Idc how you interpreted it, that wasnt the case. I will NOT allow you and the others to assassinate my character. And I’m not leaving him soooo. The whole point of this thread was to come to a solution since we are still fresh. Not turn into a bashing spree and falsely accuse me. 

[HazelBliss]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

No one is saying that he is an evil man. We are simply stating the obvious, he is a divorced parent of two young children who is working long hours - set your expectations accordingly. 

That’s your opinion. Their dynamic has existed for a long time, long before you came on the scene… 

And as basil said, if they share custody, he has time without his children. More time than parents who are raising children in a two parent household. 

Its not an opinion, its what he told me. But you guys are committed to believing whatever. We are working on it and he’s doing what he can in spite of his busy schedule. Why would I leave him because hes working hard now so he doesn’t have to later?  Im supposed to support him right now.. 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

We are working on it and he’s doing what he can in spite of his busy schedule. Why would I leave him because hes working hard now so he doesn’t have to later?  Im supposed to support him right now.. 

But you created this thread because you feel he could do more for your relationship, right?

Food for thoughts here:

I'm all for standing by our partner when schedules get difficult and we must spend long time apart but it's something we do when we're an established re-ship and we had time to build a solid base that will carry us through the tougher times. It's different than meeting a man that's going to war every day and has no time to devote to building that solid base to start with. 

Still food for thoughts: you may stand by him for months, his business gets rolling and he can now devote less hours to it....what if that does not equate to devoting more time to you? What if you discover he's a real workaholic and once that project is secure he starts a new one.

Question: how long are you willing to wait ?

[HazelBliss]

Some of you keep pointing out that Im not top priority as a dig but guess what? His children will always come before me.. duhhh.I respect him as a parent. According to what hes told me, the ex is manipulative and she used him and wasted money on multiple plastic surgeries and was still unhappy with herself LOL. I’m not going anywhere lol until he really shows me otherwise. He’s still at work as I’m typing this. I’m still at work, on-call, as I’m typing this. We spoke on the phone not long ago, he’s a great man.. and i’m choosing to hang on a little longer to see what happens. Someone suggested February as far as seeing a change and thats the plan.

[HazelBliss]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

But you created this thread because you feel he could do more for your relationship, right?

Food for thoughts here:

I'm all for standing by our partner when schedules get difficult and we must spend long time apart but it's something we do when we're an established re-ship and we had time to build a solid base that will carry us through the tougher times. It's different than meeting a man that's going to war every day and has no time to devote to building that solid base to start with. 

Still food for thoughts: you may stand by him for months, his business gets rolling and he can now devote less hours to it....what if that does not equate to devoting more time to you? What if you discover he's a real workaholic and once that project is secure he starts a new one.

Question: how long are you willing to wait ?

That would be silly of him. Hes setting himself up to be able to do more in the future. If he wants to work himself to the ground thats on him and I’ll have to pass. I set myself up so I dont have to work multiple jobs but to each his own. I can do another 3 months tops. But if hes saying hes working on it I have to believe him right? Until he shows me otherwise. 

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

and i’m choosing to hang on a little longer to see what happens. Someone suggested February as far as seeing a change and thats the plan.

I'm glad you retained my suggestion. By Valentine's Day you'll know.

This thread brought you the answer you were seeking. Maybe not in the form you were hoping for but still answers. You were standing on the fence and now you're certain you want to give it time. 

[HazelBliss]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm glad you retained my suggestion. By Valentine's Day you'll know.

This thread brought you the answer you were seeking. Maybe not in the form you were hoping for but still answers. You were standing on the fence and now you're certain you want to give it time. 

It really did I can’t lie. I was 2 seconds from breaking things off for no reason well it wasnt a good enough reason at this point in time. 

I guess I will know by then and if it doesnt work out.. I’ll walk away with grace and not burn his house down

[Alvi]

14 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

 According to what hes told me, the ex is manipulative and she used him and wasted money on multiple plastic surgeries and was still unhappy with herself LOL. 

Really? that what he is saying oat you? How exactly did she manipulate him to give her money for multiple plastic surgeries? Manipulated is such a broad word. If he didn't want her to have any of them, he was free to say no. But I bet he was more on a board with them. In any case, why is he badmouthing his ex to the person that he is barely dating for a few month? Don't you find it strange?

[HazelBliss]

Stop.. we were both ranting about our exes and experiences as parents..who cares and I don’t feel comfortable getting into specifics about her thats still his business. Bad enough I said too much. He’s the type of man who reassures how beautiful you are but do what makes you happy. Was he supposed to hold a gun to her head? It probably got bad when she still hated herself despite all those changes.. thats not his problem. Gotta love yourself first.

[Alvi]

3 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

Stop.. we were both ranting about our exes and experiences as parents..who cares and I don’t feel comfortable getting into specifics about her thats still his business. Bad enough I said too much. He’s the type of man who reassures how beautiful you are but do what makes you happy. Was he supposed to hold a gun to her head? It probably got bad when she still hated herself despite all those changes.. thats not his problem. Gotta love yourself first.

But manipulation is not the right word here. It doesn't look like anybody manipulated anybody on here. She asked and he gave. And that should not be your problem either. Ok, you are saying that you don't spend enough time with him. And when you do, you dish your exes? Just curious, do you guys go out and do stuff together as a couple?

[HazelBliss]

8 minutes ago, Alvi said:

But manipulation is not the right word here. It doesn't look like anybody manipulated anybody on here. She asked and he gave. And that should not be your problem either. Ok, you are saying that you don't spend enough time with him. And when you do, you dish your exes? Just curious, do you guys go out and do stuff together as a couple?

I said i’m not going to rant about all their business. She asked he gave AS HE SHOULD..she still wasnt happy with herself on top of other stuff. He moved on the end. The ex talk was a one time conversation. I wanted to know why it didnt work out.. and of course theres always two sides but I was just curious about that. 

We do. I had a hissy fit the other day (not to him, before that gets assumed) and got my mind back in order. So i’m thinking a little more clearly about everything. Things happen. 

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

Some of you keep pointing out that Im not top priority as a dig but guess what? His children will always come before me.. duhhh.I respect him as a parent. According to what hes told me, the ex is manipulative and she used him and wasted money on multiple plastic surgeries and was still unhappy with herself LOL. I’m not going anywhere lol until he really shows me otherwise. He’s still at work as I’m typing this. I’m still at work, on-call, as I’m typing this. We spoke on the phone not long ago, he’s a great man.. and i’m choosing to hang on a little longer to see what happens. Someone suggested February as far as seeing a change and thats the plan.

I said the word "top priority." It certainly was not meant as a dig. I am on your side. So acrimoniously responding is unnecessary.

Can you both table this for now and revisit it like Gaeta mentioned?

In the meantime take turns driving to each other in between or meet at halfway points. Get creative! It might require a bit of adjustments in both your schedules so see if you both can come up with some temporary solutions where you both feel heard and supported.

[HazelBliss]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I said the word "top priority." It certainly was not meant as a dig. I am on your side. So acrimoniously responding is unnecessary.

Can you both table this for now and revisit it like Gaeta mentioned?

In the meantime take turns driving to each other in between or meet at halfway points. Get creative! It might require a bit of adjustments in both your schedules so see if you both can come up with some temporary solutions where you both feel heard and supported.

Sorry I was with a patient. Finally driving home Im exhausted!  But anywho someone else on here said i wasnt a priority and told me to leave him basically.. so I took it as a dig forgive me. 

I mentioned the coffee date to him and he was down for it which was cool. I’m taking in alllll the suggestions believe me.. despite my defensiveness. Im typically misunderstood and always have to explain myself.. story of my life. 

https://www.kabalarians.com/name-meanings/names/female/Alison.htm

Silly but very accurate lol

 

Edited December 15, 2022 by HazelBliss

[HazelBliss]

[ ]

I’m no longer looking for advice. My man and I are doing great. 

Edited December 15, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility