New relationship, new issues.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

Huh… didnt I explain why I put his notifications on mute? Well I thought I did anyway.. I do this with anyone to refrain myself from responding too soon. Thats how I protect myself.

What do you think of the suggestion you and him don't text back and forth during the day and keep it for later in the day? 

We interpret with what we have, we also interpret with what we've been reading on here for years, for myself I've been participating and reading stories on this site for 8 years. People rarely have unique stories, I'd say 80% of the stories we read on here repeat themselves and similar stories often have similar outcomes. 

[HazelBliss]

Just now, Gaeta said:

What do you think of the suggestion you and him don't text back and forth during the day and keep it for later in the day? 

We interpret with what we have, we also interpret with what we've been reading on here for years, for myself I've been participating and reading stories on this site for 8 years. People rarely have unique stories, I'd say 80% of the stories we read on here repeat themselves and similar stories often have similar outcomes. 

Ah I see, well I can assure you Im not testing him. I don’t have time for the games. I just want a successful relationship and appreciate any ideas that may help. 

@texting back and forth, I will suggest that but when we already don’t see each other that often my fear is that things will begin to fizzle out. This is almost like a long distance relationship but not so I thought it was important to communicate every day but your saying to communicate at the end of the day when were both exhausted but I’ll talk to him about it. This does happen occassionally when were both tied up and he ends up calling to check on me. 

[HazelBliss]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

"Working on it" is a rather vague response. 

Having once-a-week dates since day one does seem a bit off. Though, he's at least consistent.

The initial thought I had was that this was only a temporary lull. New businesses take time to build, so I wonder why he started dating at the same time as opening a business. He also has children. Considering his busy schedule and priorities, I also wonder why he chose to date someone 40 minutes away given the time constraints. Overstretching himself might be a problem.

Do you alternate driving to each other when you see each other?

 

I actually never thought about that.. YIKES LOL. *slaps my hand* I’ve met up with him a couple times tho but not lately for coffee.

The working on it is def vague.. it could be because hes having to repeat himself over and over again. Hes explained this when we first started talking and I’m just making sure lol

Would you choose a mediocre woman who lived 15 min away, or a woman you have a real connection with who lives 40 min away? He lives 15 min away from my brother btw. 

Edited December 14, 2022 by HazelBliss

[introverted1]

30 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

didnt I explain why I put his notifications on mute?

If you need to do this to self-regulate, fine.  But why tell him something that is bound to be misconstrued (just as it was here)?  How would you feel if your bf told you that he put your notifications on mute?

 

19 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

your saying to communicate at the end of the day when were both exhausted

That is not what was suggested.

The suggestion was to text less (or not at all) during the day and to have a relaxed conversation on the phone at night, when you can both focus on each other.

 

Just from the two examples above, my take is that your communication is not as clear as it could be, both sending and receiving.

[HazelBliss]

14 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

If you need to do this to self-regulate, fine.  But why tell him something that is bound to be misconstrued (just as it was here)?  How would you feel if your bf told you that he put your notifications on mute?

Id ask why.. and if it was for the same reason Id understand. My problem on here is that I say exactly what it is and it gets twisted as if I was lying or something.. I don’t like that. and its hard to explain every single detail and write a book. Wish this was audio lol. I know I could have kept that to myself but he made a remark about texting him first sometimes and how i’m bad at responding and I told him why and the purpose of me doing it.. which was to “self-regulate” as you stated. 

 

That is not what was suggested.

The suggestion was to text less (or not at all) during the day and to have a relaxed conversation on the phone at night, when you can both focus on each other.

and AGAIN we are both exhausted at night. but will try

Just from the two examples above, my take is that your communication is not as clear as it could be, both sending and receiving. 

 

[HazelBliss]

Someone mentioned going out for coffee  and I’m not even sure that could work during the week because of my job. I’m working from home right now but I have to see patients and emergencies can happen at any time ..being 40 min to an hour out is risky. So i’ll have to think hard about that one. 

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

 I WAS NOT TESTING HIM smh that doesnt even make sense. 

Not testing, but it could come off more like "punishing."  I suggest that you do text / call first, if you're serious about trying to keep this relationship going.  He may have bitten off more than he can handle, getting in a relationship at this point, but the fact is that he has WAY too much on his plate and if maintaining your relationship falls all on him, even though it seems to make some sense, it will feel more like a burden and "just one more thing" to him.  

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

I actually never thought about that.. YIKES LOL. *slaps my hand* I’ve met up with him a couple times tho but not lately for coffee.

The working on it is def vague.. it could be because hes having to repeat himself over and over again. Hes explained this when we first started talking and I’m just making sure lol

Would you choose a mediocre woman who lived 15 min away, or a woman you have a real connection with who lives 40 min away? He lives 15 min away from my brother btw. 

Be careful not to unknowingly self-sabotage. In the beginning of your relationship, he mentioned he was just getting started with a business venture and you went ahead and decided to join him as he was just starting out with this venture. Keep that in mind.

It's not fair to expect him to carry the entire load. If he is happy to meet during the week for coffee, then you are welcome to do the same.

That means you drive to see him from time to time as well.

That's a pretty reasonable balance between starting a new business and parenting.

He's frustrated too. Him saying "he's working on it" is vague but it also signals "back-off."

The aspect of seeing each other once a week from the very beginning is that you feel as though you are not a priority. It's difficult to balance being supportive of each other and taking care of yourself at the same time, which often results in passive aggression, and he called you out on it.

To your last comment. I think the person who lives 40 minutes away that I really connect with would get my preference over someone who lives closer for convenience reasons.

 

[HazelBliss]

35 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Not testing, but it could come off more like "punishing."  I suggest that you do text / call first, if you're serious about trying to keep this relationship going.  He may have bitten off more than he can handle, getting in a relationship at this point, but the fact is that he has WAY too much on his plate and if maintaining your relationship falls all on him, even though it seems to make some sense, it will feel more like a burden and "just one more thing" to him.  

PUNISHING?!? LMAO what in the worldddddd..  I mean I see how that could be misinterpreted but my goodness.. we talk every day I call him at work lol. He wakes up at 4:45 am I am still asleep.. he sends me gm texts between 5 and 6 am every day thats not even giving me a chance to initiate anything.. and I told him that. But he mentioned the weekend and like I said was just trying to be considerate of all his jobs and obligations.. but I have noooooooo problem doing this now that I know he doesnt care about all of that. So its cool

[HazelBliss]

36 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

The aspect of seeing each other once a week from the very beginning is that you feel as though you are not a priority. It's difficult to balance being supportive of each other and taking care of yourself at the same time, which often results in passive aggression, and he called you out on it.

To your last comment. I think the person who lives 40 minutes away that I really connect with would get my preference over someone who lives closer for convenience reasons.

 

He called me out on what? Can you refresh my memory? 

[Gaeta]

So just we understand better. He gets up at 4h45 and he finishes working at 19h right? 

Then he goes home? Any other responsibilities on week night?

What time he goes to bed? 

How old is he?

Edited December 14, 2022 by Gaeta

[HazelBliss]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So just we understand better. He gets up at 4h45 and he finishes working at 19h right? 

Then he goes home? Any other responsibilities on week night?

What time he goes to bed? 

How old is he?

He gets up at 4:45 to be at work by 5am. Mind you, his clients arent coming in back to back. He does have a 6:30pm client.

After work: He takes turns with ex with picking kids up from practice so thats not every day.. he does keep them sometimes and helps with homework, etc; works on business, conference calls.. 

He goes to bed around 10 or a little after

He is 36

[Gaeta]

HazelBliss: Thanks for the reply. 

What changes would you like him doing? 

He's just starting his business so he has to give his all for a few years here.  But I wonder what type of conference calls he makes after 18h.

When you say he's at work at 5 am, is it his business or he's employed as well? 

On the nights he doesn't have his children what would keep him from driving to you for the evening/night and in the morning go from your place directly to his work?

My ex worked from 6am to 2pm construction, then went to school from 3 pm to 10 pm. He drove to me at 10 pm so we could at least spend the night together. He did that for 2 years at age 52. So your boyfriend being too tired to have a conversation with his lady at night, at age 36.....meh!

 

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

So just we understand better. He gets up at 4h45 and he finishes working at 19h right? 

Then he goes home? Any other responsibilities on week night?

What time he goes to bed? 

How old is he?

She posted earlier that he works FOURTEEN HOURS PER DAY straight through.  That is completely unsustainable in itself.  Then he has twins who are 7, and a home to maintain, and probably needs to do things like call the accountant, buy groceries,  have a dentist appointment, etc.  

OP - yes.  You TOLD him you put his notifications on mute.  Of course that comes off as some kind of sanction against him - you don't want to be notified of his communications.  If you just did it to "protect yourself" (which makes no sense to me but whatever) that's one thing.  But to tell him?  Seems like you wanted him to feel badly.

Frankly, I do feel for you, but there is a general feel to this whole situation that you are angry, frustrated, and letting him know about it.   I think that is out of line, given the fact that you knew exactly what you were getting into here.  If it doesn't work, you're certainly entitled to take care of yourself and not keep going, but giving him the brunt of your emotional responses to this - I don't think so.

[HazelBliss]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

HazelBliss: Thanks for the reply. 

What changes would you like him doing? 

He's just starting his business so he has to give his all for a few years here.  But I wonder what type of conference calls he makes after 18h.

When you say he's at work at 5 am, is it his business or he's employed as well? 

On the nights he doesn't have his children what would keep him from driving to you for the evening/night and in the morning go from your place directly to his work?

My ex worked from 6am to 2pm construction, then went to school from 3 pm to 10 pm. He drove to me at 10 pm so we could at least spend the night together. He did that for 2 years at age 52. So your boyfriend being too tired to have a conversation with his lady at night, at age 36.....meh!

 

when we talk in the evening he falls asleep on me every time

I just want more quality time with him.. more planned dates. If hes at my place I want him to be there with no other obligations.. like having to pick up his kids.. I’m sure his ex wife is living her life he should be able to as well. I only have one kid so I can just dump her off at my brothers house, or literally leave her at home if i’m going out. Shes in high school.. So he needs to put in effort and make those arrangements. Its not my fault he [ ] his football money and has to do a bunch of jobs. I need that QUALITY time with him no interruptions because of coaches. I bought these dating cards to play to get to know each other more. If I have to be understanding of his current situation he has to give me the same grace. Worrying about text messages when we should be seeing each other.. that was so petty imo

Im sure he could see me after work but its kinda late and he has to get up early so idk i keep you guys updated lol

Edited December 14, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[FMW]

I agree with NuevoYorko.  

It's understandable that you don't like the situation.  But it sounds like he's been clear about what he's got going on in his life, and it's a lot.  It's not reasonable for you to expect him to prioritize you over everything else, especially at this early stage.  Although he would probably like to see you more often, he's probably ok with the way it is right now because he's too busy with his work and children to have much time to miss you (or anyone or anything).  A romantic relationship is probably an enjoyable addition to his life, not the focus.  

Part of what you might find so attractive about him is how busy and committed he is to his career and children.  Unfortunately those very aspects are what makes him less available to you.  

I don't agree with the somewhat popular idea that a man who is interested will "move mountains" to be with you.  Especially not at a more mature age when work and children and other life situations require time and attention.  I understand some say that's what they have.  But work and family situations differ for everyone and it's just not workable for everyone.  You need to accept him as he is, or let this relationship go, even though it's not what you want to do.  You're not happy and he's not going to be happy feeling guilty for not living up to your expectations.  

Don't continue to see him if you are going to feel frustrated, neglected, etc.  You should focus your attention on a man who can give you what you need and want.  I'm not sure this is the man for you.  

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

. So he needs to put in effort and make those arrangements. Its not my fault he [ ] his football money and has to do a bunch of jobs. I need that QUALITY time with him no interruptions because of coaches. I bought these dating cards to play to get to know each other more. If I have to be understanding of his current situation he has to give me the same grace. Worrying about text messages when we should be seeing each other.. that was so petty imo

You're just too angry, even bitter, for this to possibly work out.  The guy can't give you what you want - what were you thinking by signing up for this?  

Edited December 14, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[BaileyB]

53 minutes ago, FMW said:

A romantic relationship is probably an enjoyable addition to his life, not the focus.  

I think this sums it up. 

This romantic relationship is your focus, while for him it is a pleasant addition to an already very full life. 

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

If hes at my place I want him to be there with no other obligations.. like having to pick up his kids.. I’m sure his ex wife is living her life he should be able to as well.

Good luck with that. Depending on the dynamics of that relationship, you are likely to have parental obligations and changes if plans impact your time together for years, and years, and years to come… You can try to impose your own belief that his custody situation should be like yours and that he should be able to live life like his ex-wife does to no avail. You will see with time, your will be frequently disappointed. 

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

Its not my fault he [ ] his football money and has to do a bunch of jobs. I need that QUALITY time with him no interruptions

Wow, that’s judgmental. And entitled. 

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

when we talk in the evening he falls asleep on me every time /cdn-cgi/mirage/9f285991a22adb597d553b9824cc63349833dc5d7cbfc9be144b1e962e7b9149/1280/https://www.loveshack.org/content/emoticons/frown.gif.6f59bb5cbffb2e0197298865ef01fbd0.gif

I just want more quality time with him.. more planned dates.

Again, good luck getting quality time together and more planned dates with a man who is so exhausted that he falls asleep at night when you talk on the phone…

Edited December 14, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HazelBliss]

14 minutes ago, FMW said:

I agree with NuevoYorko.  

It's understandable that you don't like the situation.  But it sounds like he's been clear about what he's got going on in his life, and it's a lot.  It's not reasonable for you to expect him to prioritize you over everything else, especially at this early stage.  Although he would probably like to see you more often, he's probably ok with the way it is right now because he's too busy with his work and children to have much time to miss you (or anyone or anything).  A romantic relationship is probably an enjoyable addition to his life, not the focus.  

Part of what you might find so attractive about him is how busy and committed he is to his career and children.  Unfortunately those very aspects are what makes him less available to you.  

I don't agree with the somewhat popular idea that a man who is interested will "move mountains" to be with you.  Especially not at a more mature age when work and children and other life situations require time and attention.  I understand some say that's what they have.  But work and family situations differ for everyone and it's just not workable for everyone.  You need to accept him as he is, or let this relationship go, even though it's not what you want to do.  You're not happy and he's not going to be happy feeling guilty for not living up to your expectations.  

Don't continue to see him if you are going to feel frustrated, neglected, etc.  You should focus your attention on a man who can give you what you need and want.  I'm not sure this is the man for you.  

The only reason i’m sticking around is because he said his situation is temporary. Trust and believe i’m not going to wait years and years. we are not even 4 months in as a couple. But I have my limit so we shall see. As I stated before Ive had men who met those specific needs but were a**h***s, or were talking to other women. Every man lacks SOMETHING and I cant keep running because i cant have my way right this second.. as long as he is willing to make changes thats what i’m trying to see. I don’t want to make the wrong decision. Everything else is great

[HazelBliss]

12 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I think this sums it up. 

This romantic relationship is your focus, while for him it is a pleasant addition to an already very full life. 

Good luck with that. Depending on the dynamics of that relationship, you are likely to have parental obligations and changes if plans impact your time together for years, and years, and years to come… You can try to impose your own belief that his custody situation should be like yours and that he should be able to live life like his ex-wife does to no avail. You will see with time, your will be frequently disappointed. 

Wow, that’s judgmental. And entitled. 

Again, good look getting quality time together and more planned dates with a man who falls asleep at night when you talk on the phone…

I guess you missed when I said we are BOTH EXHAUSTED. we are in communication all day. ive fallen asleep on him as well, not on the phone but after his text around 10 pm.. yall are trying so hard to make him appear to be this evil man who doesnt want me when i’m willing to work with him lol

entitled? he made a remark about me only having one kid and one job.. thats judgmental as well. His ex is out living her life with her relationship and shes using him every chance she gets knowing he will do anything for those kids.he deserves a break as well. Its soooo much to unpack. 

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

entitled? he made a remark about me only having one kid and one job.. thats judgmental as well.

What kind of remark did he make?   

Quote

His ex is out living her life with her relationship and shes using him every chance she gets knowing he will do anything for those kids.he deserves a break as well. Its soooo much to unpack. 

Perhaps his ex is out living her life because she's not working stupidly long hours?  Of course he will do anything for his kids - he's their father.   Does he say that his ex is using him, or is that your view?   And as he shares custody, he gets a whole lot more break from kids than those of us who are full time parents! 

 

 

[stillafool]

45 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

His ex is out living her life with her relationship and shes using him every chance she gets knowing he will do anything for those kids.he deserves a break as well. Its soooo much to unpack.

It isn't "those kids" it's "their kids" so it's doubtful she has to say much for him to want to do the best he can for his children.  

[BaileyB]

56 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

yall are trying so hard to make him appear to be this evil man

No one is saying that he is an evil man. We are simply stating the obvious, he is a divorced parent of two young children who is working long hours - set your expectations accordingly. 

56 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

His ex is out living her life with her relationship and shes using him every chance she gets knowing he will do anything for those kids. he deserves a break as well.

That’s your opinion. Their dynamic has existed for a long time, long before you came on the scene… 

And as basil said, if they share custody, he has time without his children. More time than parents who are raising children in a two parent household. 

Edited December 14, 2022 by BaileyB

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It isn't "those kids" it's "their kids" so it's doubtful she has to say much for him to want to do the best he can for his children.  

I missed that 

@HazelBliss  why do you refer to his children in this manner.  It sounds like you see them as irritants 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

He called me out on what? Can you refresh my memory? 

The response he gave after you muted him: "But the only reason not that long ago you put in more effort is bc I said you can text or call first sometimes, then you told me you purposely put my notifications on mute smh." 

7 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

@texting back and forth, I will suggest that but when we already don’t see each other that often my fear is that things will begin to fizzle out.

There is no need for you to suggest anything to him with regard to your texting habits. Focus on yourself and your own priorities.

The relationship will unfold naturally and follow its own path.

Being with and loving a man who puts his work first leaves you with a lot of free time. If you value lots of quality time and physical touch, there’s an important question you need to ask yourself.

As a couple, it's common for you to rely on him for emotional support and social interaction. If he cannot fulfill these needs (at least not at the level that you require) then you'll need to look elsewhere (e.g. hobbies, friends, etc.). It really isn't worth your time to go forward if that's not something you believe you can handle.

It’s very likely that he's just so hardwired into working so much now and being responsible for his children that he doesn't know how to make the swap into balancing a relationship and his relentless pursuit of work excellence and being a good father. Even so, I'm afraid for you that you will be perpetually plagued by that nagging feeling in the back of your mind that will cause more than just a pinch of discomfort.

Right now, you're attacking him (and now his children) instead of the problem.

Your boyfriend is a workaholic (right now) and you are not top priority. How you react to that is what will end your relationship.