New relationship, new issues.

[Gaeta]

I think it's good to give it more time, lets say till February. 

Respecting your needs doesn't mean being selfish, to me it means acknowledging what we need in a relationship to be a good partner. To me one date a week would not be enough fulfillment to enjoy the relationship and to reciprocate with love, so I would not start anything with a man that only has 1 day to devote to me. I live in a city of 4 million I'd find a man as good, as exciting, as promising that has time for me. 

What would be reasonable to you? Two times a week? Three ? 

Do you live far? Can you grab lunch together once a week? Can you go to those baseball games? You don't have to be introduced to the children to sit next to him while watching the game. You could be a friend, or another parent. You could go to his place even if it's chaotic, spend some time with him looking at him do his renovation for an hour, bring him a warm meal, something sweet. 

 Did I care about any of that? Nope lol more worried about what I want. Selfish love doesn't go very far. A part of you has to care that he's mourning & is sick,  and maybe when he feels your care he'll make changes happen. 

Edited December 13, 2022 by Gaeta

[Els]

I think it's one thing if you two have been together for a long time, and this situation is new (and temporary). In that case, if everything else is good, I'd say maybe consider holding on and viewing the time apart as an investment for your future together.

It's another thing entirely if the relationship is completely new... which it sounds like it is (although, sorry, I still can't find a post that mentions exactly how long). There is really no upside to holding on and hoping that things will get better. Because you can't possibly know this person well enough to make that decision, seeing him for a few hours once a week. Given that it's new, you must have met him IRL for 3-4 dates, tops?

You need more time together to know if you are going to be compatible otherwise, or even if you have chemistry... and his life circumstances are preventing that. If you try to dig your heels in and "live with it", you may well discover a whole year or two down the line that not only were your needs going unmet for one year, the relationship never held any promise to begin with.

Don't date someone who's unavailable at the start. You will only waste a lot of your time and headspace.

Edited December 13, 2022 by Elswyth

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

Ty, I really appreciate it. I did read somewhere that seeing your SO one time a week is actually acceptable.. IN THE BEGINNING, so this shouldn’t be forever.. and if it is, then that’ll really tell me something. My friend didn’t feel optimistic about him either.. but she doesn’t follow her own rules and opinions so I take her words with a grain of salt.. thats why I just come on here to vent and clear my mind. 

You're seeing him once a week right now. I don't suspect that seeing him once a week has always been the case, or has it?

From reading some of your other posts it seems that he has a lot on his plate right now. I'd hope if you were in his position that you would want your boyfriend to support you in the event you were dealing with some pretty big life changes.

You mention wanting to see him every day. Does that seem reasonable? Especially at three months. That sounds more like trying to force emotional intimacy with someone you hardly know.

Not all things you want are good for you. Spending multiple days back-to-back with your boyfriend over several days can generate intense emotional closeness. At three months, is it reasonable to feel this close? It's possible. The problem with this dynamic is that it creates an illusion of intimacy before real intimacy can develop.

Just try not to feel so anxious or rushed.

Edited December 13, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

20 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Does that seem reasonable? Especially at three months.

She has not mentioned yet how long it's been. Unless I missed it?

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

She has not mentioned yet how long it's been. Unless I missed it?

Correct. This thread doesn't seem to mention it.

The first thread she posted when they first started dating led me to believe that it's been around three months (give or take). 

[Gaeta]

OP: In your last thread you are mentioning he's fixing things for you, doing you favors, taking time between 2 jobs to be with you, has that changed?

[HazelBliss]

50 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

OP: In your last thread you are mentioning he's fixing things for you, doing you favors, taking time between 2 jobs to be with you, has that changed?

No that hasnt changed and there hasn’t been one day we were not in constant communication. The one time a week is him taking time from his obligations otherwise we wouldnt see each other at all. It was the recent last 2 weeks he fell off course which was from being in the mud with his business, and two family members dying and I went bonkers .like i stated  before, he said it was going to simmer down in the next month or so. We started dating in september and made it official in november so this is very new hence why im trying to give him a little grace

Edited December 13, 2022 by HazelBliss

[Calmandfocused]

Is it me or does anyone else find it a bit odd that this guy seems to have the time for constant communication but cannot find time to have a quick coffee with Op here and there? 
 

Hazel maybe your partner believes that technology communications are a sufficient substitute for in person interactions and that this will be “enough”. Trouble is it isn’t. 
 

 

[Gaeta]

59 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Is it me or does anyone else find it a bit odd that this guy seems to have the time for constant communication but cannot find time to have a quick coffee with Op here and there? 

I kind of agree with you here. Texting is very time consuming. If he didn't text maybe he'd be able to leave work earlier. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

It was the recent last 2 weeks he fell off course which was from being in the mud with his business, and two family members dying and I went bonkers 

Why go bunkers if he has genuine reasons to be busy? If it was only work you'd have reasons to be upset but 2 family members dying is a lot to handle. 

But I still think the answer is in that nagging feeling you have that he's not making efforts to come up with time for you. Do you make efforts? Do you offer solutions?

[HazelBliss]

53 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I kind of agree with you here. Texting is very time consuming. If he didn't text maybe he'd be able to leave work earlier. 

Smh LMAO lord… we arent texting every hour. But we are in communication throughout the day. If we are unable to see each other every day you damn right I want to be in communication. He lives 40 minutes away. I wouldnt be able to meet up for coffee due to my own schedule.. He says his current situation is temporary so all I can do is believe that until he shows me otherwise

[HazelBliss]

46 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why go bunkers if he has genuine reasons to be busy? If it was only work you'd have reasons to be upset but 2 family members dying is a lot to handle. 

But I still think the answer is in that nagging feeling you have that he's not making efforts to come up with time for you. Do you make efforts? Do you offer solutions?

Exactly. I did some reflecting.. and another reason why I chose to stick around. Sometimes I do get caught up in my own needs. The solution for myself is to work on me and get back to my hobbies and focus on me so i’m not so dependent on him socially. We are still very new and don’t want to overwhelm him even more or push him away

[HazelBliss]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

You're seeing him once a week right now. I don't suspect that seeing him once a week has always been the case, or has it?

From reading some of your other posts it seems that he has a lot on his plate right now. I'd hope if you were in his position that you would want your boyfriend to support you in the event you were dealing with some pretty big life changes.

You mention wanting to see him every day. Does that seem reasonable? Especially at three months. That sounds more like trying to force emotional intimacy with someone you hardly know.

Not all things you want are good for you. Spending multiple days back-to-back with your boyfriend over several days can generate intense emotional closeness. At three months, is it reasonable to feel this close? It's possible. The problem with this dynamic is that it creates an illusion of intimacy before real intimacy can develop.

Just try not to feel so anxious or rushed.

It has always been once a week since we met. I would love to see him every day If I could but I know that its unreasonable. 

“From reading some of your other posts it seems that he has a lot on his plate right now. I'd hope if you were in his position that you would want your boyfriend to support you in the event you were dealing with some pretty big life changes”

If you were me, in the same situation, give me some examples on how you would be supportive. I genuinely want to know. 

 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

He lives 40 minutes away.

Forty minutes, I’m assuming one way, is quite a distance. That isn’t really - let’s meet up for coffee or I’ll cook you dinner and you can go home and do what you need to do tonight… At least, I wouldn’t want to do that too often.

I’m curious about his custody agreement? Does he ever have weekends free without his children? Does he work on the weekends? Is that a possible opportunity - some sleepovers or weekends together? That’s how you get quality time when you are both busy and you don’t live super close to each other. 

31 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

If you were me, in the same situation, give me some examples on how you would be supportive. I genuinely want to know. 

I think you are doing the right thing - give him the space to deal with his obligations. Stay in contact but don’t be too demanding by texting all the time. And then, when you get the chance to be together - have fun with him! Cook him dinner. Go out and have some fun together. Go away for the weekend. 

4 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

Sometimes I do get caught up in my own needs. The solution for myself is to work on me and get back to my hobbies and focus on me so i’m not so dependent on him socially.

It’s easy to get caught up in your own needs, particularly when you are the partner with more time. He may want to see you more, but he can’t right now. So for your own sanity, you need to make yourself busy.. go to the gym, develop a new hobby, go our with friends, etc… It’ time well spent and if will keep your mind busy…

Edited December 14, 2022 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

27 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

If you were me, in the same situation, give me some examples on how you would be supportive. I genuinely want to know. 

First I would say it's by not making him feel guilty especially when he takes care of his children. There are so many absent fathers in this world we need to celebrate those who take their role seriously. 

Second by not going 'bonker', don't be a drama queen, many men can't deal with that. 

Third by offering words of support: 'don't worry about me', 'I understand', make it a positive experience when he calls and text.  

[HazelBliss]

28 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

First I would say it's by not making him feel guilty especially when he takes care of his children. There are so many absent fathers in this world we need to celebrate those who take their role seriously. 

Second by not going 'bonker', don't be a drama queen, many men can't deal with that. 

Third by offering words of support: 'don't worry about me', 'I understand', make it a positive experience when he calls and text.  

I do all of that words of support was all I could do lol. I go bonkers to myself, on here, or to my friends. Was hoping to hear something diffrent that I could incorporate. When he told me he was with his kids on his bday I told him that was cute and to enjoy himself with the boys. I was still upset that we didnt link afterwards but I didnt say anything TO HIM about it. I will try to be less dramatic and not bring up the whole “time” thing anymore.. he already told me what it was.. so at this point I’m just going wait and see what he actually does. 

[Gaeta]

I had this image you were getting impatient toward him, glad to hear you're unwhining on here

The best plan is to let him show you if he meant what he said.  You don't want to wait forever though. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

“From reading some of your other posts it seems that he has a lot on his plate right now. I'd hope if you were in his position that you would want your boyfriend to support you in the event you were dealing with some pretty big life changes”

If you were me, in the same situation, give me some examples on how you would be supportive. I genuinely want to know. 

Yes, I mentioned it in response to your thread in my first post.

Our relationship was a year old at this point, though. His department was going through a lot of changes, so he was working a lot of overtime and was super stressed. I adopted a kitten. It was already on my mind, I thought now would be a great time to focus on it. After a while, the overtime in his job settled down and we were back to spending a fair amount of time together. It was super hard for me to not see him during that time. I chose to focus on me and try to be supportive without overextending myself.

So. What I mean by support is that now is not the time to interject demands.

It's great to see that you're looking forward to resuming your hobbies and focusing on yourself again. You would also benefit from not always being available via text. It's not fair to tether yourself to it 24 hours a day when you have your own life and things to take care of.

I hope you do not misunderstand me. I'm not saying you ought to ignore your feelings and stay quiet. I suggested that you be open about your thoughts and also provide him the opportunity to share with you how he envisions your relationship. The availability of this person may not work for you and you will need someone who is more available. Someone with a more flexible schedule who can see you more during the week or, someone who is always so busy at work.

There are times that people jump headfirst into brand-new relationships, and while this occasionally works, it usually does not. He might be cautious in the beginning, and not want to be in a full-scale relationship right away. The last thing he may also not want to do is drive to come to see you or go out to dinner at the end of the day, given his work and family commitments right now.

Ideally, you would also like to be able to decide what you do and how you spend your time together after three months of dating.

If he is able to participate enthusiastically in your plans, it is a good sign that you can continue making plans in the future and share this responsibility equally. He needs to meet you half-way.

Edited December 14, 2022 by Alpacalia

[HazelBliss]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, I mentioned it in response to your thread in my first post.

Our relationship was a year old at this point, though. His department was going through a lot of changes, so he was working a lot of overtime and was super stressed. I adopted a kitten. It was already on my mind, but I thought now would be a great time to focus on it. After a while, the overtime in his job settled down and we were back to spending a fair amount of time together. It was super hard for me to not see him during that time but I chose to focus on me and try to be supportive without overextending myself.

So. What I mean by support is that now is not the time to interject demands.

It's great to see that you're looking forward to resuming your hobbies and focusing on yourself again. You would also benefit from not always being available via text. It's not fair to tether yourself to it 24 hours a day when you have your own life and things to take care of.

I hope you do not misunderstand me. I'm not saying you ought to ignore your feelings and stay quiet. I suggested that you be open about your thoughts and also provide him the opportunity to share with you how he envisions your relationship. The availability of this person may not work for you and you will need someone who is more available. Someone with a more flexible schedule who can see you more during the week or, someone who is always so busy at work.

There are times that people jump headfirst into brand-new relationships, and while this occasionally works, it usually does not. He might be cautious in the beginning, and not want to be in a full-scale relationship right away. The last thing he may also not want to do is drive to come to see you or go out to dinner at the end of the day, given his work and family commitments.

Ideally, you would also like to be able to decide what you do and how you spend your time together after three months of dating.

If he is able to participate enthusiastically in your plans, then it is a good sign that you can continue making plans in the future and share this responsibility equally. If he's not meeting you half-way it's a no go.

 

I get what you’re saying. Im gonna take a chill pill for sure, thank you!

NOW regarding “not being available via text”….. that one seems tricky because I thought I was doing a great thing by not texting him or calling too much and guess what this man said to me recently? “You can call me and text me first sometimes”… as a matter of fact i’m going to cut and paste what he said: I don’t want to over work forever or even in the next few years. So I have more time to do things & travel. I understand your feelings about “ Time” & to an extent you are correct. Where you aren’t correct is how I feel about you or where you stand in my life. I just don’t feel like arguing. It brings me joy you want to see me that badly & I do you. But the only reason not that long ago you put in more effort is bc I said you can text or call first sometimes, then you told me you purposely put my notifications on mute smh.

If misunderstood had a face it would be me!!! I talk too much sometimes and shouldnt have told him I muted his texts. BUT I was trying to explain that I didnt want to be a pest or look like I dont have a life.. (i shouldnt have said that either) because of that narrative. I also dont call him first sometimes because I know he’s exhausted and wanted him to rest and just let him call or text me when he’s ready. I was just being considerate! He also says I take forever to respond. So I started initiating calls and texts now hes saying i’m only doing that now bcz he brought it up which is false. I listened to him, and feel better about doing it.. THATS WHY. smh

 

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

I get what you’re saying. Im gonna take a chill pill for sure, thank you!

NOW regarding “not being available via text”….. that one seems tricky because I thought I was doing a great thing by not texting him or calling too much and guess what this man said to me recently? “You can call me and text me first sometimes”… as a matter of fact i’m going to cut and paste what he said: I don’t want to over work forever or even in the next few years. So I have more time to do things & travel. I understand your feelings about “ Time” & to an extent you are correct. Where you aren’t correct is how I feel about you or where you stand in my life. I just don’t feel like arguing. It brings me joy you want to see me that badly & I do you. But the only reason not that long ago you put in more effort is bc I said you can text or call first sometimes, then you told me you purposely put my notifications on mute smh.

If misunderstood had a face it would be me!!! I talk too much sometimes and shouldnt have told him I muted his texts. BUT I was trying to explain that I didnt want to be a pest or look like I dont have a life.. (i shouldnt have said that either) because of that narrative. I also dont call him first sometimes because I know he’s exhausted and wanted him to rest and just let him call or text me when he’s ready. I was just being considerate! He also says I take forever to respond. So I started initiating calls and texts now hes saying i’m only doing that now bcz he brought it up which is false. I listened to him, and feel better about doing it.. THATS WHY. smh

 

You're welcome!

One thing I forgot to include in my post above. 

Your comment that you've seen each other once a week since you started dating is what concerns me a bit.

The texting and calling. Yes, of course you can be the one to initiate first sometimes. My impression was that you were always extending yourself and making yourself available via phone as a substitute. I wouldn't intentionally put him on mute. Keep in touch, but also make sure he understands you have things to do.

Edited December 14, 2022 by Alpacalia

[HazelBliss]

19 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You're welcome!

One thing I forgot to include in my post above. 

Your comment that you've seen each other once a week since you started dating is what concerns me a bit.

The texting and calling. Yes, of course you can be the one to initiate first sometimes. My impression was that you were always extending yourself and making yourself available via phone as a substitute. I wouldn't intentionally put him on mute. Keep in touch, but also make sure he understands you have things to do.

When I spoke to him about the whole time thing the other day he explained everything and said he was “working on it.” You think hes hiding something? Doesnt want to look bad regarding a situation hes in? Its weird for me too but he seems like such a great guy Im gonna hang in there for a bit and see what happens. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

When I spoke to him about the whole time thing the other day he explained everything and said he was “working on it.” You think hes hiding something? Doesnt want to look bad regarding a situation hes in? Its weird for me too but he seems like such a great guy Im gonna hang in there for a bit and see what happens. 

"Working on it" is a rather vague response. 

Having once-a-week dates since day one does seem a bit off. Though, he's at least consistent.

The initial thought I had was that this was only a temporary lull. New businesses take time to build, so I wonder why he started dating at the same time as opening a business. He also has children. Considering his busy schedule and priorities, I also wonder why he chose to date someone 40 minutes away given the time constraints. Overstretching himself might be a problem.

Do you alternate driving to each other when you see each other?

 

Edited December 14, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Weezy1973]

15 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

He lives 40 minutes away. I wouldnt be able to meet up for coffee due to my own schedule.

Can you switch things around in your schedule to meet him for coffee once in awhile? Does he get a lunch break? It sounds pretty one sided that you want him to do all the heavy lifting but then you say your own schedule doesn’t allow you to meet up. Maybe you don’t like him enough to adjust your schedule?

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

NOW regarding “not being available via text”….. that one seems tricky because I thought I was doing a great thing by not texting him or calling too much and guess what this man said to me recently? “You can call me and text me first sometimes”… as a matter of fact i’m going to cut and paste what he said: I don’t want to over work forever or even in the next few years. So I have more time to do things & travel. I understand your feelings about “ Time” & to an extent you are correct. Where you aren’t correct is how I feel about you or where you stand in my life. I just don’t feel like arguing. It brings me joy you want to see me that badly & I do you. But the only reason not that long ago you put in more effort is bc I said you can text or call first sometimes, then you told me you purposely put my notifications on mute smh.

If misunderstood had a face it would be me!!! I talk too much sometimes and shouldnt have told him I muted his texts. BUT I was trying to explain that I didnt want to be a pest or look like I dont have a life.. (i shouldnt have said that either) because of that narrative. I also dont call him first sometimes because I know he’s exhausted and wanted him to rest and just let him call or text me when he’s ready. I was just being considerate! He also says I take forever to respond. So I started initiating calls and texts now hes saying i’m only doing that now bcz he brought it up which is false. I listened to him, and feel better about doing it.. THATS WHY. smh

 

That says a lot to me. 

I don’t want to over work forever or even in the next few years. I don't think this is a 6 weeks phase here, this is a few more years phase. 

then you told me you purposely put my notifications on mute smh. Sounds like you've been complaining to HIM and you retaliated by being passive aggressive by silencing his notifications. No, you didn't think you were doing a great thing, you were testing him. It's very dangerous for a relationship to change a habit without warning our partner. It's bad communication and it's leaving our partner in the dark wondering if something is wrong with the relationship.

I still think you 2 should quit talking during the day, you both have work, kids and a life. You 2 call at night when all is settled. You'll be looking forward to that night call and both will appreciate each other more. 

[HazelBliss]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

That says a lot to me. 

I don’t want to over work forever or even in the next few years. I don't think this is a 6 weeks phase here, this is a few more years phase. 

then you told me you purposely put my notifications on mute smh. Sounds like you've been complaining to HIM and you retaliated by being passive aggressive by silencing his notifications. No, you didn't think you were doing a great thing, you were testing him. It's very dangerous for a relationship to change a habit without warning our partner. It's bad communication and it's leaving our partner in the dark wondering if something is wrong with the relationship.

I still think you 2 should quit talking during the day, you both have work, kids and a life. You 2 call at night when all is settled. You'll be looking forward to that night call and both will appreciate each other more. 

Huh… didnt I explain why I put his notifications on mute? Well I thought I did anyway.. I do this with anyone to refrain myself from responding too soon. Thats how I protect myself. whatever I tell you is nothing more and nothing less. I always have my phone in hand so its not like I’m taking hourssss to respond. Instead of responding in a milisecond its between 5 and 10 minutes. I WAS NOT TESTING HIM smh that doesnt even make sense. But if I respond like I dont have a life it would be a problem.. I cant win with him or on here lmao my goodness. The interpretations are so off and I’m trying my best to explain so idk.