New relationship, new issues.

[glows]

54 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

Im so tired guys... Im literally in tears rights now. I've been trying so hard to be considerate of his schedule then yesterday he got on me about him always having to text me first.. Dude you get up at 5am and I get up later.. Give me a chance to do that then.. He's worried about texting and Im worried about real life interaction. Im exhausted and trying to be supportive.. I just dont want to leave someone every time and its just this one thing. Sigh...

To be clear, was he just commenting casually about wanting you to take more initiative or did he lean into it and get upset as if taking it out on you? The tone isn’t clear here. You seem highly strung out and disappointed. You don’t even see him often enough to your liking.

[FMW]

It sounds like his idea of being in a relationship doesn't match up to yours.  Relationships are not a one size fits all.  The trick is finding someone who shares your vision of what it should be.  It sounds like in this case you do not share the same vision.  

Discussing these types of issues only helps to a certain extent - this is one of those things that is what it is.  It sounds like he's probably giving you all he can, given his circumstances.  You are perfectly within your rights to not be happy with that. But the answer then is moving on to find someone else who is able and willing to give you what you are looking for, not trying to get the other person to adjust to your needs and requirements.  

[basil67]

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

We usually see each other once a week. He works 5am to 7pm and takes his sons to practice and is working on this business on the side so I know he's exhausted. But he wanted this.. so I expected some sort of balance. He keeps promising me things and saying his schedule is going to get better some time in December.. still waiting..

With this schedule, he simply doesn't have time to have a relationship.  

The fact that he wants the relationship and is hoping that his schedule will get better is beside the point.  Fact is, he simply doesn't have enough time.  It's OK to move on if someone doesn't meet your needs.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

SOoo there's.. zero accountability.. GOTCHA... Were both adults.. look.. if there's no resolution I have no choice but to leave it alone. 

Accountability belongs in marriage...or long term committed relationships.   At this point of dating, it's more about compatibility...and yes, knowing when to walk away if it's not working. 

[poppyfields]

My take is he DID want it when he said it, but for whatever reason, changed his mind and now he doesn't want it. 

Or doesn't with you, I'm sorry, I know that's hurful..

Yes he's busy but when a man is interested and cares, he can and will make time.

A man will move mountains (figure of speech) for a woman he cares about, he WILL find that balance. 

By blaming it on his "schedule," you miss the opportunity to look within, introspect and own your role. 

I am not saying this to be hurtful but there is a reason why every man you've dated has issues with dating you, again your words. 

Look within @HazelBlissthat is actually where most answers to questions and confusion are found..

Speak with a professional to help you sort through if you need to, I did and it helped me tremendously.

 

Edited December 11, 2022 by poppyfields

[HazelBliss]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

You did [ ] 

In any event, I'm sorry you're upset and that this relationship isn't working out as hoped.

 

Oh, yea.. that didnt happen with my current "bf" tho.. Ive been as considerate as I could be... I cant wait forever.. so I guess its not going to work...  

[HazelBliss]

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

My take is he DID want it when he said it, but for whatever reason, changed his mind and now he doesn't want it. 

Or doesn't with you, I'm sorry, I know that's hurful..

Yes he's busy but when a man is interested and cares, he can and will make time.

A man will move mountains (figure of speech) for a woman he cares about, he WILL find that balance. 

By blaming it on his "schedule," you miss the opportunity to look within, introspect and own your role. 

I am not saying this to be hurtful but there is a reason why every man you've dated has issues with dating you, again your words. 

Look within @HazelBlissthat is actually where most answers to questions and confusion are found..

Speak with a professional to help you sort through if you need to, I did and it helped me tremendously.

 

Im just going to be alone for the rest of my life. I cant do this anymore. I'm 37 years old.. so much love to give and every guy I give a chance I  experience something new than the previous. Tired of the lessons.. tired of it all. Thanks.

[Lotsgoingon]

You have a right to want to feel prioritized. There is no reason to date seriously if you don't feel prioritized.

Now, of course, the kids come first for him, but there are plenty of people in the world who can attend to their children and make their partners feel appreciated and loved and prioritized. This depends on the person and their skills and ages of the kids and a whole bunch of other factors. 

So quit asking the question of what is right and reasonable to expect.

Stay with the question of: are you happy and satisfied and excited with this guy? Stay totally selfish in asking and answering that question--as selfish and demanding as you would if he had no children. Give him no passes for being a parent. If you're not happy and satisfied with your connection to him, plan to move on. There will be other people who are parents who you could be very happy with. Not all parents are the same--and for all you know, this guy would be distant even if he didn't have children. So it's really dangerous to assume that it's the kids interfering with your feeling of closeness and priority.

Could be just him--with or without kids. 

Just judge whether you are happy. Period!  Now you can express your feeling of distance and see if he responds. Quit trying to be understanding. That simply means you aren't feeling great about him if you have to work to be understanding. 

[Alpacalia]

Oh man.

Put yourself in check.

Every relationship is unique, and there is no "one size fits all" solution. You need to listen to the still small voice inside of you, and decide where to focus your time and energy. There is no right answer here.

He's clear about what he wants and how much time he's willing to devote to your relationship. He’s making choices and he’s sticking to them. He’s setting his boundaries and limits.

Do the same!

Say how you feel (once!) (i.e. I feel (sad?) and (lonely?) when we see each other once a week. It would be ideal if we spent X amount of time together on weeknights or weekends).

Be honest with yourself. If you think you want a long-term relationship with your boyfriend – or even to marry him – make sure you ask the right questions. Listen carefully to your boyfriend's vision of your relationship. It’ll help you figure out if he’s the right man for you.

Seriously. For your sake – and for your kids – you need to create your own life and identity outside of your relationship.

Don't let your identity be so snared by your boyfriend or his life.

[basil67]

I'd hate to see you give up on love.   Instead, why not switch up how you do things?  

If a guy isn't what you want, don't stick around on the basis of promises.   I mean, sure, if he gives you a firm date in the short term that things will change (I've got a new job starting in three weeks and the hours are lot less) you might want to stick around and see.  But generally speaking, don't waste your time dating guys who aren't meeting your needs.  If they are super busy like this guy, tell him that the relationship isn't working for you and move on.  

[HazelBliss]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'd hate to see you give up on love.   Instead, why not switch up how you do things?  

If a guy isn't what you want, don't stick around on the basis of promises.   I mean, sure, if he gives you a firm date in the short term that things will change (I've got a new job starting in three weeks and the hours are lot less) you might want to stick around and see.  But generally speaking, don't waste your time dating guys who aren't meeting your needs.  If they are super busy like this guy, tell him that the relationship isn't working for you and move on.  

I am about to... sobbing.

Thanks

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Seriously. For your sake – and for your kids – you need to create your own life and identity outside of your relationship.

I was thinking the same thing.

I understand the desire to be in a relationship. I also understand the frustration when you are trying to make it work and it feels like nothing is working. It is easy to lose perspective, and it’s times like these when we all need to take a step back and re-evaluate. Perhaps, it’s time to take a break from dating. 

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

I am about to... sobbing.

It will be ok. I was about your age when I took a break from dating because everything that I was doing was just not working… And then, I met the love of my life. You have a lot of life ahead of yourself… It will be ok. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You will be OK and this can be a great experience to move you along to a healthier, happy, more assertive and effective dating style. 

Unfortunately, lots of learning about relationships does come with some sadness. But you are more than someone who is in relationship. You might be making relationships too huge a thing. The relationship has to work for you--not just you for the relationship. 

[mark clemson]

Hmm. Consider that perhaps you're compatible as people, but not at a compatible point in your lives. When those kids are off to college he may have more time to be present in the relationship, but it sounds like right now he simply doesn't and/or won't drop what he considers to be his primary priorities.

He may have more time eventually, but that's a LONG time to be waiting, all the while feeling emotionally unfulfilled.

[Gaeta]

I think that nagging feeling that he's not making an effort to better manage his time for you is an important information here. You should not dismiss it.

How long have you been dating? Sorry if l missed it.

My boyfriend (3months) is also very busy with his work and he has 3 children 14-5-3 year old that he takes care of on daily basis. Right now the 5 year old is sick waiting for a heart surgery so he has the 3 year old every night yet bf still manages to come see me 3 times a week. Every minute of his free time he devotes to me because he's a man in love and he 'needs' to be around me so he makes it happen. By the way my bf is probably 10 years older than yours, probably gets 5 hours sleep a night and l never hear 'l'm tired'. 

I always beleived there is no such thing as being too busy for love. I'm seeing it with my own eyes now.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/10/2022 at 9:25 PM, HazelBliss said:

I am having a difficult time accepting that I am not a top priority right now.

If he's a good guy and you care for him, you may want to ride out the storm. It's much too soon to blend families and of course, your children are the top priority. Try not to panic or lead with fear and anxiety, jumping ship as soon as the script isn't dreamy and some practical logistics have yet to be sorted out.. Since both of you are single parents, there will be challenges wherever you go. 

[HazelBliss]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If he's a good guy and you care for him, you may want to ride out the storm. It's much too soon to blend families and of course, your children are the top priority. Try not to panic or lead with fear and anxiety, jumping ship as soon as the script isn't dreamy and some practical logistics have yet to be sorted out.. Since both of you are single parents, there will be challenges wherever you go. 

Yea, it seemed like everyone was telling me to leave him and when I was about to, he literally called and we discussed everything. I just couldn’t do it. After I calmed down, I didn’t think this was enough to leave him be. I got with him knowing he had a busy schedule. I also think the whole moving mountains is bs in certain situations. Today he rearranged his clients and we spent some time together. I know he can’t do this all the time but I appreciated it. I cant wait for this to die down. It’s supposed to be “temporary” so we shall see

..to be continued

Edited December 13, 2022 by HazelBliss

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

Yea, it seemed like everyone was telling me to leave him and when I was about to, he literally called and we discussed everything. I just couldn’t do it. After I calmed down, I didn’t think this was enough to leave him be. I got with him knowing he had a busy schedule. I also think the whole moving mountains is bs in certain situations. Today he rearranged his clients and we spent some time together. I know he can’t do this all the time but I appreciated it. I cant wait for this to die down. It’s supposed to be “temporary” so we shall see

..to be continued

Hazel I am SO glad to hear this.

A lot of canned responses are that he isn't interested enough and if a man this, or that he would do x, y, and z. Remember, the first few months are still the honeymoon phase and it's just based on infatuation.

Play it by ear, see how it goes. I'm rooting for ya!

Edited December 13, 2022 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

On 12/11/2022 at 10:53 AM, HazelBliss said:

We usually see each other once a week. He works 5am to 7pm and takes his sons to practice and is working on this business on the side so I know he's exhausted. But he wanted this.. so I expected some sort of balance. He keeps promising me things and saying his schedule is going to get better some time in December.. still waiting..

He works 14 hours a day???  Ok.  I understand what he said, and what both of you wanted.  But how do YOU think a man can work 14 hours a day and have full responsibility for 2 seven year old kids and have time for ANYTHING else?   

By the way, I think "a man who is interested will move mountains etc."  is mostly BS, myself.  IMO it's more like he really likes you and wants to have a relationship in his life.  He was probably unrealistic about how he was going to manage this.   Now reality is setting in for both of you.

I do think you need to step back.  If you really do like him a lot,  and don't want to break it off,  I think your only choice is to accept the one time a week get togethers and try to make the most of that time.  He needs to do the same.  If he does not, or can't really be present for you during your one date a week,  recognize that it's really not working for you.   Don't get bogged down in being angry or disappointed with him.  You are trying to see if this situation will work for you and it might.  It might not.

Edited December 13, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[JTSW]

At the end of the day you have a good man here.

All you need is a little patience, communication and compromise.

He's a busy parent but has shown that he willing to make time for you when he can.

You need to accept that you're not his number 1 priority right now and that is ok. 

As time goes on and your relationship strengthens, things will get easier.

[HazelBliss]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Hazel I am SO glad to hear this.

A lot of canned responses are that he isn't interested enough and if a man this, or that he would do x, y, and z. Remember, the first few months are still the honeymoon phase and it's just based on infatuation.

Play it by ear, see how it goes. I'm rooting for ya!

Ty, I really appreciate it. I did read somewhere that seeing your SO one time a week is actually acceptable.. IN THE BEGINNING, so this shouldn’t be forever.. and if it is, then that’ll really tell me something. My friend didn’t feel optimistic about him either.. but she doesn’t follow her own rules and opinions so I take her words with a grain of salt.. thats why I just come on here to vent and clear my mind. 

[HazelBliss]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

At the end of the day you have a good man here.

All you need is a little patience, communication and compromise.

He's a busy parent but has shown that he willing to make time for you when he can.

You need to accept that you're not his number 1 priority right now and that is ok. 

As time goes on and your relationship strengthens, things will get easier.

Hes AMAZING.. The last man I dated loved to take me out all the time, buy me gifts, send me money etc, BUT I didn’t really know what he did for a living as he was always home and lived in a luxury  high rise bldng and found out he was entertaining other women.. Now I have a man who works like a maniac and doesn’t have time to go out.. so this is what I meant In one of my other posts when I said every man I meet its something new that i’m experiencing.. i referred to it as an “issue” but that’s what I meant.. so I’m just gonna hang in there and she how it goes.. we are very new. 

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

Ty, I really appreciate it. I did read somewhere that seeing your SO one time a week is actually acceptable.. IN THE BEGINNING, so this shouldn’t be forever.. and if it is, then that’ll really tell me something. My friend didn’t feel optimistic about him either.. but she doesn’t follow her own rules and opinions so I take her words with a grain of salt.. thats why I just come on here to vent and clear my mind. 

So how long have you been dating?

But once a week doesn't sound acceptable to you. You have to respect what you need. When you say you see each other once a week what does it mean? You have a date once a week? Or you have a sleep over once a week? 

Why will it be different soon? Do you just take his words or he has a concrete plan to change his schedule?

[HazelBliss]

38 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So how long have you been dating?

But once a week doesn't sound acceptable to you. You have to respect what you need. When you say you see each other once a week what does it mean? You have a date once a week? Or you have a sleep over once a week? 

Why will it be different soon? Do you just take his words or he has a concrete plan to change his schedule?

Its not acceptable to me.. I want to see him every day if I could. The question is am I being reasonable? I don’t think I am , given he has way more obligations than I do.. Understanding should go both ways and it can’t always be about MY needs if iwant this to work. Hes in the beginning stages of a business and it was rough for him the last two weeks, he lost two family members, and had gotten sick. Its too much to type every single detail on here. Did I care about any of that? Nope lol more worried about what I want. We go out or he comes to my place. He’s also in the process of selling his home and fixing each room so I prefer to be at my place where its less chaotic. 

“Why will it be different soon? Do you just take his words or he has a concrete plan to change his schedule?” Hes in the beginning phase of his business and his kids wont be playing baseball anymore soon which took up a lot of time so i guess when that dies down he’ll have more time.. if nothing changes then it is what it is.. i just don’t think i should run bcz of this … right now