New relationship, new issues.

[HazelBliss]

WELP... me and my guy made it official and it has been a pleasant experience so far.. but here comes the challenges:

First I'd like to ask how often should a new couple see each other? What would be considered acceptable?

We both have children, he has two twin boys that are 7 years old. He is very involved, takes them to all their baseball games that is an all day affair, helps with homework, takes them to school.. his duties have not changed after divorcing is ex. I only have one kid and shes in high school... so I have a lot of time on my hands unfortunately.. she doesnt want to hang around me all day she wants to be around her peers and cousins. He also works a lot and working on a new business.

With that said, I am having a difficult time accepting that I am not a top priority right now. I don't expect to be at this point in time...or should I? I remember he told me he hates that saying "if a man really wants to do something he'd do it" because he is up at 4:45 am and doesnt get home until after 8pm and is super exhausted sometimes. A part of me thinks that he should put in more effort with balancing his time. I havent complained about anything since this is all new.. well a new title, SO  I am trying to be reasonable.. but I have a time limit. everyone has things going on. He is the sweetest thing as can be.. buttttttt why be in a relationship if you cant even fulfill a basic need such as quality time. Mind you.. when we first started dating, on the weekends, he would see me in between his sons game if they won championship and had some time in between before the next so it was always a thing but is this something I have to accept? 

I understand I cant have it all but it seems like every man I meet there's a new issue. The last guy I dated always wanted to go out, then later found out he was entertaining other women and didnt want to be exclusive after I made a fit. Now, I have a man who is responsible, works a lot, never disrespected me..we get a long great but is sooo busy I am starting to feel neglected. We talk all day every day there hasn't been a day we were not in communication but come on.. is this something I need to be patient about? I just feel like if I decide to leave, I'm going to meet someone who is more social but treats me like garbage.. ugh. 

 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

First I'd like to ask how often should a new couple see each other? What would be considered acceptable?

There is no "should".   Some people like to spend loads of time together and some don't, so it's really about whether or not his schedule works with yours.  For what it's worth, I'd rather be single than have a boyfriend who I never see, so I do understand your frustration. 

What's his custody schedule?   Why does he get up so early and come home so late?  Is he doing anything to try and create more time for the relationship?  

[ShyViolet]

36 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

but is this something I have to accept? 

YES.  He doesn't have a lot of time for you or this relationship.  That is just the way it is and it probably won't change anytime soon.  He works a lot and on top of that he has two young children who are needy and who he spends a lot of time with.  You can't expect him to prioritize you over that.  If this frustrates you, then you should end this relationship.

[poppyfields]

39 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

I am having a difficult time accepting that I am not a top priority right now. 

Him having twin boys, age 7, I wouldn't expect to be his top priority for 11 more years, until they become legal adults. 

Until then, they are his top priority as well they should be.  And if you cannot accept that, may as well break it off now. 

39 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

The last guy I dated always wanted to go out, then later found out he was entertaining other women and didnt want to be exclusive after I made a fit. 

Can't say I blame him for that.  Not sure many men would want to go exclusive with a woman who "makes fits" when discussing her needs or something that troubles her. 

39 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

I understand I cant have it all but it seems like every man I meet there's a new issue. 

Look within @HazelBlissas the common denominator is you. 

I never experienced my boyfriends having "issues" when dating me and since every man you meet does, the answer lies within you. 

I don't know you but from reading your posts on this thread, it appears you feel entitled to most of his time and attention and to be made top priority.

The fact you make "fits" when discussing an issue that troubles you, as with your ex, suggests you enjoy drama versus discussing issues calmly and rationally. 

What type of life do you have other than him?  Friends, family, hobbies, interests?

Given he's a devoted father of young boys, my guess is he needs a stable more independent woman with interests of her own, and not so dependent on him for attention and validation or to otherwise fulfill all her needs. 

You're either that woman or not.  If not, best to walk away now.

Edited December 11, 2022 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

48 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

is this something I need to be patient about?

Yes. He is the parent of two young children. They are obviously his priority and they will be his priority for YEARS. Add to that, he has a job. And a home that he needs to maintain. And, he needs time for himself because all of this ^^ is exhausting! If you are not prepared to be patient with all of this ^^, you should not be dating. 

51 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

why be in a relationship if you cant even fulfill a basic need such as quality time.

People enter relationships with different expectations, different needs, different definitions of ‘quality time,’ etc… he is giving you what he can give and no doubt, he is enjoying the time that he spends with you or he wouldn’t be trying to date you. Divorced parents do manage to date despite their other obligations - perhaps he felt that you would be more understanding because you have been/are a single parent yourself. But, at the end of the day, if this is not meeting your need for ‘quality time,’ this is not the right relationship at the right time of life for you…

[Ami1uwant]

His kids are too young to be thrust into meeting you after a short period of time.  Thisis going to take time.

 

how long have you been a single mom?

[Alpacalia]

In light of the fact that you haven't been dating him for very long, and he has children, you don't want him to place a higher priority on you. This would be a sign of trouble. When you're at the stage of meeting each other's kids, there will be more time for you to spend together and hopefully plan more date nights!

There are two separate things going on here:

He doesn’t have much time or energy to give to your relationship to a level that you feel satisfied with.
The other is that your boyfriend hasn’t fully integrated you into his world (yet).

The first point is a valid one and you have every right to consider whether you’re getting your emotional needs met right now. The second one is just about ego and insecurity and shouldn't derail or ruin an otherwise good relationship.

Kudos to you for a couple of reasons: you're self-aware - and you're trying to be patient, kind, and caring. I’m no single parent, but I've seen many single parents torn in a million directions. It is incredibly difficult for them to find love and stability when you feel the pull of parenting responsibility and they end up neglecting their love lives. It’s not anyone's place to tell them to reprioritize. It doesn’t sound like you want to, either.

My boyfriend at the time in a prior long-term relationship had to put in a lot of overtime during certain periods. Due to my schedule being less packed, I adopted a new kitten to keep me warm🤗 during the times when we didn't get to spend as much time as we usually did together. 

It's easier to adjust when you realize that he's worth it, but don't forget you'll never be no. 1. Although he wasn't a single father, I imagine dating a single dad means accepting and understanding this fact. 

Once that clicks, you may actually find it sexy that he could love someone so much as he does his kids.

Essentially, the question is: are you satisfied with what your boyfriend can offer you at the moment?

Is coming in after his kids and career enough for you? It's fine to want more; it's fine to think he's "worth the wait." What matters is that you are both in a happy, healthy, nurturing relationship that is slowly evolving into something more. 

If you suspect that it’s not growing, and your desires fall on deaf ears, then it’s time to walk away.

Edited December 11, 2022 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

How often do you actually see each other? 

[glows]

12 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

A part of me thinks that he should put in more effort with balancing his time. 

This is interesting. Do you believe he manages his time poorly? What gives you the impression that he doesn’t? 

Is there a possibility that you don’t agree with his parenting or don’t agree with ways he does things? You both may be very incompatible. 

He seems quite resentful and upset in the way he speaks to you about his time yet you say you haven’t complained. What is he so angry about? Cut your losses if he’s easily triggered, irritable and bitter. 

I’d be careful about assuming things can be done differently as he’s crafted his life this way and he believes it works for him. Try not to insult anyone in their time management or the way they do things. He’ll have to figure out on his own what works and it may be very valid on your part noticing that he’s not as efficient with his time. 

How long has he been divorced? He may still be adjusting to single parenthood. 

[Calmandfocused]

Op I’m a woman but my circumstances reflect exactly that of your partner’s. I am a single mum of 2 young children. All of their care is  dependant on me and meanwhile I have a high flying job, family/ friends that I want to see, a home I have to independently run, and hobbies that I want to endure. 
 

This is the exact reason why I’m single right now. I simply do not have the time or room in my life to accommodate a new partner and all their needs within a relationship. I can’t do it, it’s not fair on them and it’s not fair on me. 
 

My only hope for the foreseeable future is if I met someone who would be happy to have a relationship where we do not live in each others pockets and who is willing to take the relationship slow. 
 

Your partner is in my shoes. Also I applaud him for not integrating you so soon into his son’s life. Not to say that it won’t happen for you in time but he’s doing the right thing right now. 
 

Likewise I agree with your partner that his children’s emotional needs and welfare are the priority. Priority over himself and certainly priority over his relationship with you- I’m sorry if that stings but unfortunately it’s true. 
 

Waiting to get up the priority list is hard and no one would blame you if you decide this isn’t for you. If you are not getting your emotional needs met, it’s better that you end this sooner rather than later so you can both find a more suitable match. 

Edited December 11, 2022 by Calmandfocused

[smackie9]

If this is the way you feel then you shouldn't be dating a guy that is in his situation. It is what it is and there is nothing to change it. His kids are his priority and it will always be that way.

[Els]

I think we need more specifics.

How long have you been together exactly? How often do you see each other, and for how long?

[HazelBliss]

15 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Him having twin boys, age 7, I wouldn't expect to be his top priority for 11 more years, until they become legal adults. 

Until then, they are his top priority as well they should be.  And if you cannot accept that, may as well break it off now. 

Can't say I blame him for that.  Not sure many men would want to go exclusive with a woman who "makes fits" when discussing her needs or something that troubles her. 

Look within @HazelBlissas the common denominator is you. 

I never experienced my boyfriends having "issues" when dating me and since every man you meet does, the answer lies within you. 

I don't know you but from reading your posts on this thread, it appears you feel entitled to most of his time and attention and to be made top priority.

The fact you make "fits" when discussing an issue that troubles you, as with your ex, suggests you enjoy drama versus discussing issues calmly and rationally. 

What type of life do you have other than him?  Friends, family, hobbies, interests?

Given he's a devoted father of young boys, my guess is he needs a stable more independent woman with interests of her own, and not so dependent on him for attention and validation or to otherwise fulfill all her needs. 

You're either that woman or not.  If not, best to walk away now.

Who said I make fits? You took everything I said and made your own narrative.. BTW I specifically asked him if he was ready for a relationship. I asked him if he was ready to date from the BEGINNING. A relationship should be balanced. And when I said "issue" I just meant something thats lacking... every person you meet isn't going to possess the same exact qualities. 

[HazelBliss]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

If this is the way you feel then you shouldn't be dating a guy that is in his situation. It is what it is and there is nothing to change it. His kids are his priority and it will always be that way.

He told me he was ready to date... and then a relationship. I accepted it. 

 

1 minute ago, HazelBliss said:

Who said I make fits? You took everything I said and made your own narrative.. BTW I specifically asked him if he was ready for a relationship. I asked him if he was ready to date from the BEGINNING. A relationship should be balanced. And when I said "issue" I just meant something thats lacking... every person you meet isn't going to possess the same exact qualities. 

 

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op I’m a woman but my circumstances reflect exactly that of your partner’s. I am a single mum of 2 young children. All of their care is  dependant on me and meanwhile I have a high flying job, family/ friends that I want to see, a home I have to independently run, and hobbies that I want to endure. 
 

This is the exact reason why I’m single right now. I simply do not have the time or room in my life to accommodate a new partner and all their needs within a relationship. I can’t do it, it’s not fair on them and it’s not fair on me. 
 

My only hope for the foreseeable future is if I met someone who would be happy to have a relationship where we do not live in each others pockets and who is willing to take the relationship slow. 
 

Your partner is in my shoes. Also I applaud him for not integrating you so soon into his son’s life. Not to say that it won’t happen for you in time but he’s doing the right thing right now. 
 

Likewise I agree with your partner that his children’s emotional needs and welfare are the priority. Priority over himself and certainly priority over his relationship with you- I’m sorry if that stings but unfortunately it’s true. 
 

Waiting to get up the priority list is hard and no one would blame you if you decide this isn’t for you. If you are not getting your emotional needs met, it’s better that you end this sooner rather than later so you can both find a more suitable match. 

I havent integrated him into my daughters life either...she exists as well.....  My mother met my father as a single mother.. they both had children of their own.. this is LIFE.. and life should be balanced. He CHOSE to date me and CHOSE to be in a relationship. Im here asking for a solution. He is not with his kids 24/7 so its really not an excuse IMO. If I meet someone else there's going to be something else thats lacking that I have to work through because no one is perfect. He has a lot of great qualities and the only thing is time. Everyone seems to be encouraging me to leave him alone when Im asking for a solution before I decide this isn't for me. 

[ShyViolet]

7 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

He told me he was ready to date... and then a relationship. I accepted it. 

It does not matter what he "told" you.  What matters are his actions now.

[HazelBliss]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

There is no "should".   Some people like to spend loads of time together and some don't, so it's really about whether or not his schedule works with yours.  For what it's worth, I'd rather be single than have a boyfriend who I never see, so I do understand your frustration. 

What's his custody schedule?   Why does he get up so early and come home so late?  Is he doing anything to try and create more time for the relationship?  

We usually see each other once a week. He works 5am to 7pm and takes his sons to practice and is working on this business on the side so I know he's exhausted. But he wanted this.. so I expected some sort of balance. He keeps promising me things and saying his schedule is going to get better some time in December.. still waiting..

[HazelBliss]

13 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

It does not matter what he "told" you.  What matters are his actions now.

SOoo there's.. zero accountability.. GOTCHA... Were both adults.. look.. if there's no resolution I have no choice but to leave it alone. 

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

He told me he was ready to date... and then a relationship. I accepted it. 

His definition of ‘dating’ and ‘relationship’ may be very different than yours. 

And as was said above, better to attend to his actions than his words. Words are easily said and misinterpreted.

28 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

He is not with his kids 24/7 so its really not an excuse IMO.

Perhaps he underestimated the demands of being in relationship at this time of life. Perhaps he thought you would be content to date casually for a while. It’s hard to say. He has a job, a home to maintain, other friendships/family relationships, other obligations… His work schedule alone would be exhausting for most people. Then you add a side business and coparenting his children - those are serious red flags that he does not have the time for a serious relationship. 

It is about balance but it’s his life to balance. At the end of the day, if you are not happy with the way he chooses to do so, there is little you can do… 

Edited December 11, 2022 by BaileyB

[HazelBliss]

Just now, BaileyB said:

His definition of ‘dating’ and ‘relationship’ may be very different than yours. 

And as was said above, better to attend to his actions than his words. Words are easily said and misinterpreted.

How much time are you spending together currently and how much time do you want to spend together. 

Of course, he doesn’t have his children 24/7, but I’m assuming he has a job, a home to maintain, other friendships/family relationships, other obligations… It is about balance but it’s his life to balance. If you are not happy with the way he chooses to do so, there is little you can do… 

Im so tired guys... Im literally in tears rights now. I've been trying so hard to be considerate of his schedule then yesterday he got on me about him always having to text me first.. Dude you get up at 5am and I get up later.. Give me a chance to do that then.. He's worried about texting and Im worried about real life interaction. Im exhausted and trying to be supportive.. I just dont want to leave someone every time and its just this one thing. Sigh...

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

I just dont want to leave someone every time and its just this one thing.

This is a pretty big thing though. 

You shouldn’t have to “give” all the time. If that’s the way you feel, then something is not right here. He may be a wonderful man, but the timing is just not right now… There is nothing wrong with that. As you say, it’s life. I say this as someone who has dated a single father, someone who was balancing parenting obligations with work - I have a lot to be in this relationship. So did he. I would not have been happy with seeing him once a week. That said, I think you have to be realistic about the fact that he has several other obligations - time consuming, important obligations. 

I’m sorry that you are upset. Deep breath. Whether it works out or not with this man, you will be ok. 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

Who said I make fits?

You did [ ] 

18 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

The last guy I dated always wanted to go out, then later found out he was entertaining other women and didnt want to be exclusive after I made a fit. 

In any event, I'm sorry you're upset and that this relationship isn't working out as hoped.

 

Edited December 11, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
tone

[Calmandfocused]

Hazel how far do you live away from your partner? 
 

The reason I ask is because my ex partner would come over for an hour or 2 after my children were asleep. Granted this was not a “quality date” but at least we saw each other. Could you do the same? In between seeing your partner once a week properly? Might help somewhat. 
 

If this isn’t an option, the only other solution (if you want to stay with him) is to accept the situation as is with the knowledge that this is likely to change in the future if/ when your relationship becomes more serious. 

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

The reason I ask is because my ex partner would come over for an hour or 2 after my children were asleep. Granted this was not a “quality date” but at least we saw each other.

Agree. My partner made a real effort to see me on the nights he did not have his child. Often, I would cook him dinner and we would spend the evening together. Often, we would run errands together. Or, we would meet for coffee. Whatever worked, given we were often both exhausted from work and our time together was limited. He had his child every other weekend and we spent the majority of our time together on the weekends he did not have his child… but that was hard on me, I always felt like I was starting the week unprepared and trying to catch up (house was not clean, no groceries, etc…). It took a lot of effort from both of us and would not have worked if we were both not committed.

Further to calm and focused point, he says now that he doubts it would have worked if we hadn’t lived so close together and had the ability to go back and forth so easily… When I look back, I know that I made a lot of accommodations… plans changed because his ex couldn’t take his son that night, or he was tired and wanted a night to himself… I spent a lot of time on my own wishing that we could be together… trying to keep myself busy and happy.

Edited December 11, 2022 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

45 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

He told me he was ready to date... and then a relationship. I accepted it. 

 

 

 

This doesn't matter.....this is about expectations. He's not providing the time and attention you require for a relationship. He's dating you at his own convenience.

[poppyfields]

37 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

I've been trying so hard to be considerate of his schedule then yesterday he got on me about him always having to text me first.. Dude you get up at 5am and I get up later.. Give me a chance to do that then.. He's worried about texting and Im worried about real life interaction. Im exhausted and trying to be supportive..

@HazelBlissI'm not writing my own narrative, I call it as I see it after reading your posts, your words. 

Reading the above, there is something deeper going on other than him complaining he always texts you first. 

I won't assume to know what that is; I have a suspicion but don't believe you're open to hearing it at this time so will refrain from posting it. 

But it's definitely NOT about texting. 

43 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

He keeps promising me things and saying his schedule is going to get better some time in December.. still waiting..

This^ is telling and not in a good way.  His promises sound empty almost like he's stringing you along.  He's not happy. 

Because you're right, when a man cares, truly cares and envisions a future with you, despite having kids, he will make an effort to spend more than once a week with you. 

Taking you to lunch, going for a walk.  A couple of hours, something.

If me, I'd be reading the message between the lines. 

This isn't the right relationship for him nor do I believe for you either.. 

This is a great opportunity for you to introspect and look within as to why all the men you date appear to have "issues" (your own words) and why nothing has worked out. 

There are lessons to be learned from all our relationships, if you care enough to learn them.

All the best moving forward. .

 

Edited December 11, 2022 by poppyfields