Compatibility.

[ZA Dater]

7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Seriously go back and read my post this response is to. It was literally about how while you can adjust the way you look to be more attractive, you can’t and shouldn’t change yourself to be more compatible with someone. Clothes and hair have absolutely nothing to do with compatibility.

 

 You just were in a relationship with a woman you found attractive. That was something you swore could never happen, but then it did. You were wrong. And you found some success. You insist on framing everything negatively. Acknowledging that yes indeed you did successfully date someone attractive and therefore it can happen again would be helpful self talk. If you actually want help that is.

Irrelevant, one tiny bit of success in 25 years is hardly anything to write home about, add to the fact it ended very negatively.

It only happened because we were compatible from a lifestyle point of view.

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Irrelevant, one tiny bit of success in 25 years is hardly anything to write home about, add to the fact it ended very negatively.

You dated the woman for almost a year. That’s not “one tiny bit of success.” 

And, hate to tell you, but many/most relationships end. The fact that it ended does not invalidate the entire relationship. 

[ZA Dater]

38 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You dated the woman for almost a year. That’s not “one tiny bit of success.” 

And, hate to tell you, but many/most relationships end. The fact that it ended does not invalidate the entire relationship. 

For me I have to carry the regrets of the mistakes I made and that is very difficult. The fact I could not fix any of them makes it worse. It's very very difficult for me to find mutual attraction, near impossible and the one time I had it I messed it up. It's tough.

By the definitions here I was actually compatible so that makes it worse still. I'll be quite honest I don't have the motivation to look again, given the choice I'd rather have tried to atone for the mistakes I made than head back to OLD.

Seeing as I can't do that former and the latter has no appeal I'll just window shop, I had a whole list of things I wanted to so this festive season, none of which have any appeal to do on my own.

[Weezy1973]

16 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

For me I have to carry the regrets of the mistakes I made and that is very difficult. The fact I could not fix any of them makes it worse.

Everybody makes mistakes. What did you you learn from your mistakes? What could you have done differently? It’s such a defeatist attitude to just be like I made a mistake and therefore will never try again. That’s guaranteed to keep you failing. Making a mistake, learning, and then doing things differently is how we get better and move towards success. 

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Irrelevant, one tiny bit of success in 25 years is hardly anything to write home about, add to the fact it ended very negatively.

 

Every perspective and fact is irrelevant to you, unless it promotes the false narrative you're promoting about reality.

You're no different from most people- you're basically a normal person with  positives as well as challenges living your life.  You just handle it all in a unique way. It seems to be  a point of pride of yours to refuse to learn or grow when it comes to interpersonal situations and your own emotional intelligence.  Like everyone else, if you can't / won't learn from your experiences, you'll remain the same as you are now.  You've probably been just like this since early puberty, right?  

 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

Everybody makes mistakes. What did you you learn from your mistakes? What could you have done differently? It’s such a defeatist attitude to just be like I made a mistake and therefore will never try again. That’s guaranteed to keep you failing. Making a mistake, learning, and then doing things differently is how we get better and move towards success. 

Sure accept I do not fancy my chances finding a rare phenomenon of mutual attraction. Took 25 years the first time around so excuse me for not exactly being positive.

As for I have learnt, nothing really, just learnt I am useless at dating. Basically the end of it was "it's not your fault you never experienced things that most people have, you can't beat yourself up about that". I am down because there is nothing I can do to fix it. And I miss her terribly.

I'd feel much more confident if I had mutually attractive people around but I don't, I had to listen today to a friend who is multi dating, he has more choice than I could imagine.

 

[ZA Dater]

55 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Every perspective and fact is irrelevant to you, unless it promotes the false narrative you're promoting about reality.

You're no different from most people- you're basically a normal person with  positives as well as challenges living your life.  You just handle it all in a unique way. It seems to be  a point of pride of yours to refuse to learn or grow when it comes to interpersonal situations and your own emotional intelligence.  Like everyone else, if you can't / won't learn from your experiences, you'll remain the same as you are now.  You've probably been just like this since early puberty, right?  

 

Please tell me how I am expected to learn experience? Which I am told is irrelevant yet this is the second time it's turned into a red flag. 

I'll assume you spent years being rejected so I guess that's also quite an ok feeling. Yet apparently I must compromise and bend over backwards, why? 

I spent the day with guys who are very successful daters and once again I was deemed irrelevant. Seemingly they so no work whatsoever barring rock up and switch on charm. 

Honestly after today I just sit here defeated. Would you feel any different?

Enjoy your festive season, I'll spend mine lamenting all the things I planned to spend time with her. At the end of the day it boils down to :just not good enough.

[PotatoHead]

You seem unhappy, and yet determined to only find happiness and validation through someone else and a relationship.  You're going about it the wrong way.  Probably not what you want to hear because it's by far not the quick and easy path to take, but it's the only one that will give any kind of long term fulfillment.  Do you even like who you are as a person?  You don't seem to be able to find any reason why anyone else would.  You need to address that first.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

For me I have to carry the regrets of the mistakes I made and that is very difficult.

You and everybody else -

Everyone has things in their life that they regret. If we all just through our hands in the air and said - “Gosh, I guess it’s not going to work out for me - it’s not even worth trying anymore because I have to carry the regret of the mistakes I have made for the rest of my life…” we would be a pretty sorry lot. Learn from it and move on - like everyone else. It’s called “life.” 

Edited December 22, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Please tell me how I am expected to learn experience?

You’ve had an experience, you need to learn from that experience. You are not doing that when you return to your old talking points - 

 

Edited December 22, 2022 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

OP, are you gaining anything positive from this thread?  I ask because it appears to be going round in circles with the same old talking points.

Anyway, I hope you're taking something positive from it.

My take on this is you're an "intellectual," I can sense that just from your writing style.   Certain words and phrases you use.

I also sense you are more of a cerebral person versus an emotional person; emotional connections are foreign to you because everything you experience in life is viewed through a cerebral/thinking lens.

My advice is strive to accept that this is YOU (instead of complaining and taking a 'woe is me' attitude) and work with it.  We all have limitations that prevent us from being who we wish we were and connecting with people the way we wish we could.

For example, I am a huge introvert, and being so introverted prevents me from enjoying certain things, participating in certain events, sharing parts of myself and connecting with others sometimes.  It takes a LONG time for me to open up, which can be frustrating for both myself and those I interact with.  Sometimes I prefer simply being alone and thankfully my husband understands this about me and doesn't take it personally.

I have learned to accept this about myself and work with those limitations.  I am a HAPPY person because of this even though I still wish sometimes I were more extroverted, I can get really envious sometimes of those who are, I feel sometimes they are able to enjoy life and people better than I because of it.

I hope you don't take offense to this, but all your whining and moaning about one thing or another is serving you NO good purpose at all.

Learn to ACCEPT yourself AS IS, with all your quirks and foibles and limitations.  You might discover simply changing your mindset and frame about this will open doors for you that as it stands now, are CLOSED.

Mind over matter, it can be very powerful.

 

[Weezy1973]

30 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Learn to ACCEPT yourself AS IS, with all your quirks and foibles and limitations.  You might discover simply changing your mindset and frame about this will open doors for you that as it stands now, are CLOSED.

Mind over matter, it can be very powerful.

OP, this I think the core of the problem as we’ve discussed in previous threads. You have low or no self worth. This is evidenced as well by the quote below:

 

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

As for [what] I have learnt, nothing really, just learnt I am useless at dating.

 

This is the framing of someone with low self worth. I can’t learn from the mistake I made because  I’m the mistake. There’s something inherently wrong with me, not what I’m doing. 
 

As poppy said, you have to accept yourself for who you are. Mind over matter - or more accurately - mind over mind in this case. Your beliefs are strong because you’ve been exercising those neural connections for a very long time. This thread, and many of your others, are evidence of this now default setting, which is why things get so circular. You tend to always reframe people’s questions and advice to fit into your belief system. But that’s not going to work. What will work is challenging your own belief system - something most of us are trying to get you to do. Fighting, arguing, debating and whatnot aren’t doing you any favors. You’re going to have to challenge your one thinking. When you go down the default road in your thoughts, just recognize it and say to yourself “oh, there’s my easy thinking happening again.” Just being able to separate yourself from your thoughts will help.

Edited December 22, 2022 by Weezy1973

[ZA Dater]

49 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

OP, are you gaining anything positive from this thread?  I ask because it appears to be going round in circles with the same old talking points.

Anyway, I hope you're taking something positive from it.

My take on this is you're an "intellectual," I can sense that just from your writing style.   Certain words and phrases you use.

I also sense you are more of a cerebral person versus an emotional person; emotional connections are foreign to you because everything you experience in life is viewed through a cerebral/thinking lens.

My advice is strive to accept that this is YOU (instead of complaining and taking a 'woe is me' attitude) and work with it.  We all have limitations that prevent us from being who we wish we were and connecting with people the way we wish we could.

For example, I am a huge introvert, and being so introverted prevents me from enjoying certain things, participating in certain events, sharing parts of myself and connecting with others sometimes.  It takes a LONG time for me to open up, which can be frustrating for both myself and those I interact with.  Sometimes I prefer simply being alone and thankfully my husband understands this about me and doesn't take it personally.

I have learned to accept this about myself and work with those limitations.  I am a HAPPY person because of this even though I still wish sometimes I were more extroverted, I can get really envious sometimes of those who are, I feel sometimes they are able to enjoy life and people better than I because of it.

I hope you don't take offense to this, but all your whining and moaning about one thing or another is serving you NO good purpose at all.

Learn to ACCEPT yourself AS IS, with all your quirks and foibles and limitations.  You might discover simply changing your mindset and frame about this will open doors for you that as it stands now, are CLOSED.

Mind over matter, it can be very powerful.

 

This is indeed very helpful, thanks for sharing. You are largely right but it's also very very hard to accept those limitations.

Just feels like most of the time I am running on the treadmill and never really climb off it. Unfortunately I am not a very social person nor a very warm one so those are big limitations. As you say sometimes one just has to accept.

For me I wanted to look at the concept of compatibility because I thought it may just make me feel better to know I am just not compatible.

Unfortunately being me does not help, what it does sometimes do is make me the guy people depend upon but not the guy they are going to go to dinner with, this hurts and it always has. This is why I have the views that I do.

It's very difficult to work with me when I just have no worthwhile date qualities. For ten months I did actually enjoy dating, I was desperately trying to open up sadly my lack of experience cost me and it's done.

I sit today,see these guys getting so much attention and I get zero, it's very difficult.

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Please tell me how I am expected to learn experience? Which I am told is irrelevant yet this is the second time it's turned into a red flag.

I don't understand this question.  Except that all people and also animals are "expected" to learn from experience.   It's part of survival.  You have taken a very dramatic stance against learning anything except, I have gathered, stuff about the work you do.  If this ever gets uncomfortable enough for you you might consider recognizing that your tried and true patterns which you probably took on at the age of 11 are far from ideal for a man in his 40's.   

Clearly,  as much as you love to complain, you are much more comfortable remaining like you have been than you would be trying to expand your horizons.   Habits no matter how self destructive get harder and harder to let go of the longer we practice them,  as you well know.

 

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I'll assume you spent years being rejected so I guess that's also quite an ok feeling

You have no idea about the experiences anyone on this board has had, and probably no idea about the real lives of any people you encounter as you go about your days.  

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I spent the day with guys who are very successful daters and once again I was deemed irrelevant.

What does that mean?  "Deemed irrelevant" because guys are successful daters?  What does that have to do with you?  

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Honestly after today I just sit here defeated. Would you feel any different?

Yep. Once I got out of my teens or at the latest early 20's I stopped defining myself by comparing myself to other people. That is part of maturing   I can't even imagine seeing someone with a gorgeous woman or other nice object (since women are the same as a watch or a car for you) or achievement and taking that as a reason I should feel bad about myself.   I feel bad about myself plenty - generally due to things I've done which are sh***y, including self defeating behaviors.   

 

[ZA Dater]

29 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

OP, this I think the core of the problem as we’ve discussed in previous threads. You have low or no self worth. This is evidenced as well by the quote below:

 

This is the framing of someone with low self worth. I can’t learn from the mistake I made because  I’m the mistake. There’s something inherently wrong with me, not what I’m doing. 
 

As poppy said, you have to accept yourself for who you are. Mind over matter - or more accurately - mind over mind in this case. Your beliefs are strong because you’ve been exercising those neural connections for a very long time. This thread, and many of your others, are evidence of this now default setting, which is why things get so circular. You tend to always reframe people’s questions and advice to fit into your belief system. But that’s not going to work. What will work is challenging your own belief system - something most of us are trying to get you to do. Fighting, arguing, debating and whatnot aren’t doing you any favors. You’re going to have to challenge your one thinking. When you go down the default road in your thoughts, just recognize it and say to yourself “oh, there’s my easy thinking happening again.” Just being able to separate yourself from your thoughts will help.

You sit, try and engage with people and get ignored in favour of the better looking more charismatic, mote fun and more successful. Do this for a decade or more and I can tell you it's a horrible feeling of worthlessness. Then add to the fact people try set you up with people who either have no common interests or are people they themselves would never date. Not exactly great.

You know why I liked A, because she was actually nice to me, warm, friendly and actually didn't look down at me. 

The positive of all this is, the people I deal with day to day I make an effort to be thankful for their assistance and compliment them on something. Appreciation can go a long way but I all to well know how bad the opposite is.

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

The positive of all this is, the people I deal with day to day I make an effort to be thankful for their assistance and compliment them on something. Appreciation can go a long way but I all to well know how bad the opposite is.

You get invited to be one of the guests of honour at the fancy events you attend.  How can you complain about not being appreciated when you get to do stuff like this?  

 

[Lisa]

Thread has been closed as it's left the topic of defining compatibility