Compatibility.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

In Bailey's example, things would not have worked if the conversation was not good and to that there was probably some degree of charm, take the charm away and it just a conversation with no real purpose much like one would have with a banker or a store clerk. I mean you can have someone who is a really great person but they cant flirt, that is a problem from the off, likewise if they have a lack of charm or a lack of initial attraction, in my opinion these lacks mean a lack of compatibility from the outset and lets face it, who wants to waste time if there is nothing to draw us in from the outset.

This is so, so wrong.   As I mentioned earlier, I also met my husband at a party.   He couldn't flirt to save his life and being a down to earth soul, he's not a charmer.   But he was a great conversationalist, positive and engaging.  

[basil67]

10 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

There have been the 1% where I felt like there was compatibility but again they simply do not want me.

If they are less fussy than you, they probably have a lot more options to choose from.

 

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I don’t buy the idea that a man who can’t flirt isn’t going to be able to find or have a successful relationship. Not everyone can flirt - there are many people in this world who have difficulties in social situations who manage to build relationships with others - even romantic relationships. 

Societally (Western, anyway),  flirting is not especially valued in men.  There is even a cherished stereotype of "The Strong Silent Type."  You won't see those guys flirting.   Same goes for "The Man of Action."  No time for flirting for those dudes.  

Bottom line is something needs to be in place that captures the interest of another person.  If someone is boring,  that's unlikely to happen, especially if they are not godlike in appearance.  If they are a downer to be around or obnoxious (there are so many ways to be obnoxious) they will have plenty of issues finding others who want to spend time getting to know them better.

OP.  You seem quite devoted to self pity and setting yourself apart as uniquely disabled compared with all other human beings.   Maybe try to find any common ground with people you find yourself in company with, particularly if they aren't part of whatever type of business you do.  And refrain from judging everyone right off the bat.  Your propensity for ranking people and dismissing most of them is not your friend. 

You won't be required to date or spend any time with people with whom you manage to find some basis for a chat, and it will help you develop a skill that you lack.   In turn, this will help you gain a level of comfort in case you would like to speak to a particular woman at some point.  You'll be better equipped.

Edited December 16, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Societally (Western, anyway),  flirting is not especially valued in men. 

Bottom line is something needs to be in place that captures the interest of another person.  If someone is boring,  that's unlikely to happen, especially if they are not godlike in appearance.  If they are a downer to be around or obnoxious (there are so many ways to be obnoxious) they will have plenty of issues finding others who want to spend time getting to know them better.

OP.  You seem quite devoted to self pity and setting yourself apart as uniquely disabled compared with all other human beings.   Maybe try to find any common ground with people you find yourself in company with, particularly if they aren't part of whatever type of business you do.  And refrain from judging everyone right off the bat.  Your propensity for ranking people and dismissing most of them is not your friend. 

You won't be required to date or spend any time with people with whom you manage to find some basis for a chat, and it will help you develop a skill that you lack.   In turn, this will help you gain a level of comfort in case you would like to speak to a particular woman at some point.  You'll be better equipped.

Ok replace flirting with something interesting to draw the other person, I agree with that but again in a room full of people those who have the best overall draw will be picked first.

I am boring and reserved so that explains that.

For me I am not trying anymore, it's a fruitless endeavour but rather I am looking at understanding why other's get it right. You have told me many times to just own the situation so I am doing exactly that. The way I see it there is no shame in not trying and simply trying to understand.

My perception of judgement is only because I have had so many women turn their nose up at me so frankly it's better for me to just not even bother and again that comes back to them seeing me is not being of interest and thus not compatible. 

There are many people who struggle because they are unattractive and thus incompatible and thus nobody speaks to them. It's simply a circle there has to be a draw, someone has to want to speak to you.

And yes unfortunately it all just turns into a competition of sorts.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

There are many people who struggle because they are unattractive and thus incompatible and thus nobody speaks to them. It's simply a circle there has to be a draw, someone has to want to speak to you.

And yes unfortunately it all just turns into a competition of sorts.

People who are unattractive can and do have relationships and friendships.  Just have a look around next time you're doing groceries and you'll see all kinds of people who aren't attractive who are coupled up.  

There is no competition.  Whether it be friendship or relationship, it simply comes down to people wanting to spend time with others who they get on well with. 

 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

People who are unattractive can and do have relationships and friendships.  Just have a look around next time you're doing groceries and you'll see all kinds of people who aren't attractive who are coupled up.  

There is no competition.  Whether it be friendship or relationship, it simply comes down to people wanting to spend time with others who they get on well with. 

 

Sure I get that. I am just not attractive to people I find compatible. Nevermind the fact when I had total compatibility I made a total mess of it. 

As for getting along well with, unsurprisingly that's pretty rare for me too. I try but frankly have just given up trying.

I took some of the observations in this thread on my shopping trip today, was quite interesting to see in reality.

Thinking about walking around into a room of people I don't know, mostly I'd just find a place away from most people and settle there, if people talk to me I'll talk but not like I am going to initiate conversation.

Re reading lots of the responses here.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Thinking about walking around into a room of people I don't know, mostly I'd just find a place away from most people and settle there, if people talk to me I'll talk but not like I am going to initiate conversation.

Like most people…

Few people are comfortable walking up to someone they don’t know in a room full of strangers and starting a conversation or asking another out on a date. 

At a party, people go with friends. They hang with friends, who know other people and introduce you to those other people. But without friends, many people will hang back on the side and observe. I would say that I have a lot of friends and I can be quite engaging… send me to a party where I don’t really know anyone and I cling to the people I do know or hang back in the way you describe. 

[ZA Dater]

28 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Like most people…

Few people are comfortable walking up to someone they don’t know in a room full of strangers and starting a conversation or asking another out on a date. 

At a party, people go with friends. They hang with friends, who know other people and introduce you to those other people. But without friends, many people will hang back on the side and observe. I would say that I have a lot of friends and I can be quite engaging… send me to a party where I don’t really know anyone and I cling to the people I do know or hang back in the way you describe. 

I have just simply stopped going oh the basis that I'd actually rather sit at home than sit in a corner. Also I can use a lack of compatibility as a reason... because usually I am not compatible with people at party type events.

Though I do concede it can be nice once in while to observe the art of the player.

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I have just simply stopped going oh the basis that I'd actually rather sit at home than sit in a corner. Also I can use a lack of compatibility as a reason... because usually I am not compatible with people at party type events.

That is certainly your choice. The consequence of this decision is that you will lack social interaction - but you can’t complain about that because you have chosen to withdraw from various social events.

I will just remind you that there are a myriad of social opportunities between “staying home alone” and “party type events.” What’s more, lots of “normal” people leading perfectly “normal” lives go to parties -

20 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Though I do concede it can be nice once in while to observe the art of the player.

You still think “the player” is the epitome of a success in social situations… If finding a relationship is your goal, “the player” would not be a role model. 

This whole discussion has been for the purpose of further justifying your rigid, self defeating thinking that you are “not compatible” with anyone and thus, you are not wrong for giving up… If you don’t want to date, don’t date. You don’t have to justify the decision to anyone. 

Edited December 17, 2022 by BaileyB

[ZA Dater]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

That is certainly your choice. The consequence of this decision is that you will lack social interaction - but you can’t complain about that because you have chosen to withdraw from various social events.

I will just remind you that there are a myriad of social opportunities between “staying home alone” and “party type events.” What’s more, lots of “normal” people leading perfectly “normal” lives go to parties -

You still think “the player” is the epitome of a success in social situations… If finding a relationship is your goal, “the player” would not be a role model. 

This whole discussion has been for the purpose of further justifying your rigid, self defeating thinking that you are “not compatible” with anyone and thus, you should not feel obligated to even try to be social… If you don’t want to date, don’t date. You don’t have to justify the decision to anyone. 

Actually not I wanted to understand from the experiences of others whether compatibility was actually a major issue and what others opinions and experiences are. Had I read your experience ten years earlier I'd have made different decisions at very opportunities I may have had but do not longer have.

My circumstances are irrelevant. As for interaction I can get that at that office everyday.

 Its become clear that some degree of attraction is needed before compatibility is determined. 

Afraid to say yes the player is the one I look at as being successful because in the world I live in they are the ones with endless choice. Their attractive qualities and smooth talking clearly make them very compatible. For someone who is invisible to women of course there is an allure to actually getting the level of attention players do.

The reality for me is I always used to ask myself, do I see myself spending time with that person, is there enough common interest, do I see long term, do I find them attractive, it was always in that specific order. That is how I applied my own compatibility criteria.

At least I know thanks to your and others experience that things can work even if they do not work for me.

[NuevoYorko]

10 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

 

There are many people who struggle because they are unattractive and thus incompatible and thus nobody speaks to them. It's simply a circle there has to be a draw, someone has to want to speak to you.

You seem to be stubbornly insisting on conflating "attractive" and "compatible."   Do you actually read and try to take in what people write to you here?

Attractiveness is not related to compatibility,  except perhaps in very unique cases.  It's possible that the ONLY thing that resonates with you where women are concerned is good looks.  If that's the case,  then you would find any beautiful woman to be compatible with you, because that's the only thing that is important to you.  

Okay.  But that would be tremendously unique.  I guess it's not outlandish; the whole "trophy wife"  thing is pretty much based on such a construct.  But even in those types of relationships I can't help but think that the man must have SOME criteria beyond what she looks like in order to make his selection for a spouse.  

Generally, beautiful people are attractive to other people so it's easy for them to get that part.  Super engaging people have an edge, interesting passionate people, rich and famous,  etc.  More introverted types whose sterling qualities won't be on display to everyone in a room need some time to be known.   

I'm curious:  You've outlined the myriad reasons you will reject women, and clearly over 90% of women would be dismissed by you, if you were in the position to choose from all the ladies.    In the midst of your woe, do you ever think about how you might need to extend a chance for some women to be known by you, because her great qualities aren't on display at all times?  You know ... a person sort of like yourself?

[ZA Dater]

19 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

 

Generally, beautiful people are attractive to other people so it's easy for them to get that part.  Super engaging people have an edge, interesting passionate people, rich and famous,  etc.  More introverted types whose sterling qualities won't be on display to everyone in a room need some time to be known.   

I'm curious:  You've outlined the myriad reasons you will reject women, and clearly over 90% of women would be dismissed by you, if you were in the position to choose from all the ladies.    In the midst of your woe, do you ever think about how you might need to extend a chance for some women to be known by you, because her great qualities aren't on display at all times?  You know ... a person sort of like yourself?

Ok lets walk this back a bit. Someone walks into a room, walks up to someone and chats to them. The way I see it at that moment the person looks at the person and decides if they are attracted, if they are the conversation engages and during the course of that conversation they can each determine if there is any common ground and whether they may be compatible, am I correct with this assertion?

Actually I usually discount anyone very attractive because I cant compete with the masses of guys looking to attract their attention. Sure, there are many times I wish I was one of those guys but I am not so the best I can do is observe. Anyway someone with a very social life is not going to be compatible with me. Need time to be known, unfortunately the world does not work like that in my opinion, many people want instant gratification and simply cannot be bothered to spend time when they themselves have plenty of options. Interesting in itself is fairly useless, I can do politics, history, world affairs, sport, business and hobbies and none of those things have actually ever helped me at parties or on dates. 

Everything I tried to do in dating was about what I perceive to be compatibility which I why I am very sore about the mess I made because I probably found the one person who I am genuinely compatible with, the one person I could simply just be me with and I know I wont find that again.

To answer your question I would not want to date someone like me, which I guess is telling in many reasons, I have actually have been on dates with people like me and those dates were not enjoyable.

As for extending chances, I am not interested in doing that because its never reciprocated, I have been thrown into the trash metaphorically too many times, used too many times so no I do not feel inclined to extend any chances at all. In life its easy to capitulate and back down, its easy to turn around and walk away, its easy to toe the line people want you to, its much more difficult take a position, hold that position and believe in it. I'll always be there for the handful of people I care about but for the rest I know I have no attractive romantic qualities which would make me compatible to most people so each time I try its just the same kick in the face so why bother with this? Sure  I have to contemplate a life alone, I have to contemplate never doing many of things I want to, never have any sort of companionship and those things scare me. Ultimately I just need to as you say "own it".

I think the best example of this I can give is a friends annual house party, its a celebration of many things, the connected arrive, the beautiful arrive, the successful arrive and there are the single guys and the far fewer single ladies and it turns into a big bun fight as each guy tries to outdo  the other, me I simply do not bother with this because when I have its been near instant rejection even when I really did try. Again this is why I asked about compatibility because in the last few weeks I have been walking back certain things and actually thinking why they never worked out.

My question to you would be what do you find as being compatible and how close do those criteria match with the people you can actually date?

[basil67]

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Thinking about walking around into a room of people I don't know, mostly I'd just find a place away from most people and settle there, if people talk to me I'll talk but not like I am going to initiate conversation.

TBH, I'd look at you doing that and find your behaviour extraordinarily rude.   While I'd happily come up and talk to someone who's standing alone at the edge of a group wondering who to talk with, I would not bother with someone who's put themselves at a distance from everyone and decided that they have no intention of mixing.  If you literally do this at events, it's no wonder that women give you a wide berth.

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Someone walks into a room, walks up to someone and chats to them. The way I see it at that moment the person looks at the person and decides if they are attracted, if they are the conversation engages and during the course of that conversation they can each determine if there is any common ground and whether they may be compatible, am I correct with this assertion?

If it was a singles night, you are probably correct.  But at a regular social event, people usually talk to a whole raft of others.  I will go and talk to men and women, married and single, young and old for no other reason than being social.   Admittedly, I do find it very difficult to break into a group, so I'm more inclined to chat to someone who's contemplating the food table or looking for a glass....or as I said above, who's looking for someone to talk with.

I've mentioned that I met my partner at a party.  As it happens, he wasn't the first person I made conversation with and "being attracted" was not part of the equation.  I was simply being social and found that we got on really well together and we're still together all these years later.  

I feel like you view social events as nothing more than a meat market. You would do well to lose this view. 

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

TBH, I'd look at you doing that and find your behaviour extraordinarily rude.   While I'd happily come up and talk to someone who's standing alone at the edge of a group wondering who to talk with, I would not bother with someone who's put themselves at a distance from everyone and decided that they have no intention of mixing.  If you literally do this at events, it's no wonder that women give you a wide berth.

If it was a singles night, you are probably correct.  But at a regular social event, people usually talk to a whole raft of others.  I will go and talk to men and women, married and single, young and old for no other reason than being social.   Admittedly, I do find it very difficult to break into a group, so I'm more inclined to chat to someone who's contemplating the food table or looking for a glass....or as I said above, who's looking for someone to talk with.

I've mentioned that I met my partner at a party.  As it happens, he wasn't the first person I made conversation with and "being attracted" was not part of the equation.  I was simply being social and found that we got on really well together and we're still together all these years later.  

I feel like you view social events as nothing more than a meat market. You would do well to lose this view. 

For the most part they are really... sadly so. I find a certain degree of positivity in these good stories and good outcomes. I have absolutely no doubt it can work as you describe.

I am sure you know how awkward it is to try make conversation with someone and you simply get the cold shoulder, that's why I don't bother and it's impossible to deal with groups, what I have seen is those who drink find it a lot easier.

Maybe ones ability to integrate also helps to be more compatible with a group of people.

I have seen the person walking across the room to make conversation but it's always generally guys who do this and always they have extraordinary levels of self confidence. 

Reading everything here it would seem to me a great attribute to have which would help being compatible would be confidence. I have none so that's also why I simply sit on the sidelines, mostly find some conversation around business or something like that with people who ate couples.

[NuevoYorko]

13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

 Also I can use a lack of compatibility as a reason... because usually I am not compatible with people at party type events.

 

How can you generalize all people who may attend a "party type event" as ones you'd be incompatible with?   As far as I know, all manner of people go to "party type events" at least once in a while.  

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

How can you generalize all people who may attend a "party type event" as ones you'd be incompatible with?   As far as I know, all manner of people go to "party type events" at least once in a while.  

Yes completely. @ZA Dater one of the keys is that it takes time to know whether or not you’re compatible with someone. It seems you rule out people before you even talk to them. You’re therefore not ruling out anybody due to incompatibility. It’s due to your lack of confidence. And lack of confidence has nothing to do with compatibility. Although it definitely will prevent you from finding out whether or not you’re compatible with someone. 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

How can you generalize all people who may attend a "party type event" as ones you'd be incompatible with?   As far as I know, all manner of people go to "party type events" at least once in a while.  

Probably because they are outgoing fun people and I am neither of those so urs difficult to see how I could possibly be compatible with someone like that. Add in that most are at the level where they can pick and choose and yes again it's difficult to see me being compatible.

 

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I am sure you know how awkward it is to try make conversation with someone and you simply get the cold shoulder,

For goodness sake, don’t try to make conversation with someone who is giving you the cold shoulder. 

12 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

it's impossible to deal with groups, what I have seen is those who drink find it a lot easier.

I was at a “party type event” last night with people that I didn’t really know. People moved around the room to talk with different people all night. I myself had conversations with several people who I had never met or met once before at another party, years ago. None of us had anything to drink that night, it wasn’t alcohol that fueled these interactions…It can actually be done…

[Weezy1973]

22 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

My question to you would be what do you find as being compatible and how close do those criteria match with the people you can actually date?

For me compatible mainly is focused in two areas. Core values and relationship goals. By relationship goals I mean are you looking for marriage and kids? A life partner to live with? A partner that you don’t live with? Friend with benefits? You have to be on the same page with that stuff. Core values have to be similar, although they won’t be perfectly matched. Also I don’t think you necessarily have to have the same interests,  but you should enjoy spending time together.

 

Technically the women I dated were not compatible enough until I met my wife, although there was some compatibly there. I had a number of longish term relationships. I maintain most strangers you meet - say from online dating for example - won’t be compatible. Meeting someone at a party has an increased chance of being compatible, because you’ll have similar, if not the same social circle in common. But it will still be rare. Also remember perfect compatibility doesn’t really exist. Pretty much every long term marriage that I know, the partners adore each other, but also drive each other crazy with their various idiosyncrasies. That’s to be expected.

[ZA Dater]

24 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

For me compatible mainly is focused in two areas. Core values and relationship goals. By relationship goals I mean are you looking for marriage and kids? A life partner to live with? A partner that you don’t live with? Friend with benefits? You have to be on the same page with that stuff. Core values have to be similar, although they won’t be perfectly matched. Also I don’t think you necessarily have to have the same interests,  but you should enjoy spending time together.

 

Technically the women I dated were not compatible enough until I met my wife, although there was some compatibly there. I had a number of longish term relationships. I maintain most strangers you meet - say from online dating for example - won’t be compatible. Meeting someone at a party has an increased chance of being compatible, because you’ll have similar, if not the same social circle in common. But it will still be rare. Also remember perfect compatibility doesn’t really exist. Pretty much every long term marriage that I know, the partners adore each other, but also drive each other crazy with their various idiosyncrasies. That’s to be expected.

This all makes perfect sense to me. These goals are ones that take time discover or do they? You are totally correct this is vitally important but maybe it all takes a fair amount of time to discover, would flirting and banter be the the in between before this is discovered? 

Those six bold words will haunt me for a long long time, probably all the time I am lucky to be granted on this planet. 

[basil67]

On 12/18/2022 at 1:07 PM, ZA Dater said:

For the most part they are really [meat markets]... sadly so. I find a certain degree of positivity in these good stories and good outcomes. I have absolutely no doubt it can work as you describe.

To be honest, I have no experience of being at events such as these.  So I'm sitting here wondering if you're reading the room wrong or if those social events you attend aren't like the social events the rest of us attend.

Option 1 is that you're (possibly unintentionally) misrepresenting the events you go to.  To read your words, it sounds like every event you attend has a carousel of beautiful single women who've never been met by any of these suave eligible bachelors and the guys move in to seduce these lovely women.  Frankly, I find it hard to believe that these people are the majority of the party.  I suspect you're likely looking at one or two guys and one or two women out of a whole host of people who are all kinds of varieties in both relationship status and physical attractiveness and not reflecting on the behaviour of the rest of the group as they mix and mingle.  

Option 2 is that that there are actually places (which aren't meet-ups) where only beautiful eligible single people go to party.  Which begs the question: If they are so fabulous, why are so many of them single?  And if it is a place where the beautiful sophisticated people go, why are you invited when you say that you're not one of them?  

On 12/18/2022 at 1:07 PM, ZA Dater said:

I am sure you know how awkward it is to try make conversation with someone and you simply get the cold shoulder, that's why I don't bother and it's impossible to deal with groups, what I have seen is those who drink find it a lot easier. 

Of course I know how awkward it is when someone gives you the cold shoulder.  It's exactly the reason I don't bother talking to the person who parks themselves away from the crowd so they don't have to talk.  

To be fair, alcohol isn't called a 'social lubricant' for no reason.  That said, even designated drivers and non drinkers can go out and have a good time. 

On 12/18/2022 at 1:07 PM, ZA Dater said:

I have seen the person walking across the room to make conversation but it's always generally guys who do this and always they have extraordinary levels of self confidence. 

I went to two parties over the weekend....both had a number of people who knew each other.   There was lots of people walking across the room to make conversation with others.  Men and women.  Sometimes they'd come up to join a group of their friends talking and sometimes they'd come up and introduce themselves to a stranger.  I saw one guy walk over and introduce himself to my husband - and they ended up chatting for ages.  

On 12/18/2022 at 1:07 PM, ZA Dater said:

Reading everything here it would seem to me a great attribute to have which would help being compatible would be confidence. I have none so that's also why I simply sit on the sidelines, mostly find some conversation around business or something like that with people who ate couples.

The bolded is you confusing compatibility with attractiveness again.  Being confident makes a person attractive.   But lack of confidence doesn't mean nobody will speak to you (unless you're hiding away on the other side of the room) and it doesn't mean that a person will struggle to find compatibility.  

And wait....there are couples who you speak to?  Well perhaps option one about you misrepresenting the events is correct. A handful of single people meeting others does not a meat market make.   A party of married, single, dating, young, old, interesting, dull, with varying degrees of attractiveness and backgrounds is just a regular event with a range of different people. 

 

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

To be honest, I have no experience of being at events such as these.  So I'm sitting here wondering if you're reading the room wrong or if those social events you attend aren't like the social events the rest of us attend.

Option 1 is that you're (possibly unintentionally) misrepresenting the events you go to.  To read your words, it sounds like every event you attend has a carousel of beautiful single women who've never been met by any of these suave eligible bachelors and the guys move in to seduce these lovely women.  Frankly, I find it hard to believe that these people are the majority of the party.  I suspect you're likely looking at one or two guys and one or two women out of a whole host of people who are all kinds of varieties in both relationship status and physical attractiveness and not reflecting on the behaviour of the rest of the group as they mix and mingle.  

Option 2 is that that there are actually places (which aren't meet-ups) where only beautiful eligible single people go to party.  Which begs the question: If they are so fabulous, why are so many of them single?  And if it is a place where the beautiful sophisticated people go, why are you invited when you say that you're not one of them?  

Of course I know how awkward it is when someone gives you the cold shoulder.  It's exactly the reason I don't bother talking to the person who parks themselves away from the crowd so they don't have to talk.  

To be fair, alcohol isn't called a 'social lubricant' for no reason.  That said, even designated drivers and non drinkers can go out and have a good time. 

I went to two parties over the weekend....both had a number of people who knew each other.   There was lots of people walking across the room to make conversation with others.  Men and women.  Sometimes they'd come up to join a group of their friends talking and sometimes they'd come up and introduce themselves to a stranger.  I saw one guy walk over and introduce himself to my husband - and they ended up chatting for ages.  

The bolded is you confusing compatibility with attractiveness again.  Being confident makes a person attractive.   But lack of confidence doesn't mean nobody will speak to you (unless you're hiding away on the other side of the room) and it doesn't mean that a person will struggle to find compatibility.  

And wait....there are couples who you speak to?  Well perhaps option one about you misrepresenting the events is correct. A handful of single people meeting others does not a meat market make.   A party of married, single, dating, young, old, interesting, dull, with varying degrees of attractiveness and backgrounds is just a regular event with a range of different people. 

 

I'd reckon that being unattractive does not help ones compatibility rating! As for these events, they resemble something from the Great Gatsby, very over the top, the successful, the beautiful make up the vast majority, mostly its couples and very few single people. Meaning that there are usually far more single guys than ladies hence this unintended competition for attention. There  are older single guys trying to attract the attention of ladies in some cases decades younger.

I'd argue most of them are single out of choice, when you are super compatible and attractive there is endless choice so why tie yourself down?  Why am I there, because I am invited as being important to the host and I do some work arranging the party. Call me the unsung VIP. I suppose I am moderately intelligent which may help as does the fact I am absolutely never  in the running for the attention of the ladies, many of whom are looking to pair up with the most charming, most successful and most compatible. 

These parties some people know each other and most do not, despite this small cliques develop and yes alcohol does help a lot it would appear.

I'd argue someone becomes incompatible if they are not attractive, there is no reason for anyone else to give them the time of day so no they are never going to do particularly well in that setting.

I speak to people because this is also partly business and I know many of these people from that sector of life and yes there are a range of people but as a place to find a date or even fun that is limited by how compatible a person is. 

Here is an excellent example of what I mean "this 28yo is too young for me, she is more your age range, you should hang out" Said 28 yo. is a dancer with a physique which would attract dozens of guys, "she is just my friend" yes but when she is lapping up expensive lunches, fast cars and glitzy events with someone who is not shy, has the charm I wish I had. Why would this person give me the time of day when I have none of that and zero confidence. In short not compatible. 

All that would likely happen is I'd get looked down at like a second class citizen and made to feel like one. 

 

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I'd reckon that being unattractive does not help ones compatibility rating!

Physical appearance does not affect compatibility!!

Thats like saying - that donut sure looks bitter. It looks bitter and I don’t like bitter foods so I guess, I’m just not compatible with that donut. And, nobody else will be compatible with that donut because it looks so bitter!!

But, the donut is sweet!! It’s 80% sugar, but you do not know that until you take a few bites… 

Turns out, your initial judgment of the donuts physical appearance was wrong! And once you too a few bites, you realized that it was actually sweet - low and behold, you were compatible and you loved that donut!!

Amazingly, all the other people are eating all different kinds of donuts and enjoying them all because none of the other people analyze and comparison shop donuts in the same way that you do!!

You can not look at a person and know whether you will/will not be compatible with that person. 
 

35 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I'd argue someone becomes incompatible if they are not attractive, there is no reason for anyone else to give them the time of day so no they are never going to do particularly well in that setting.

Head = wall

Edited December 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I'd reckon that being unattractive does not help ones compatibility rating! 

I know you love to rank everything on a completely linear scale, but there is no such thing as a "compatibility rating."  That would be impossible since compatibility only can exist between people - or things, for that matter.  My Mac device is not compatible with Alexa.  This doesn't mean that my phone has a "poor compatibility rating."

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

, when you are super compatible and attractive there is endless choice so why tie yourself down? 

A person is not "compatible" on their own.  The word "compatible" only refers to how one person / thing merges with another.  

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I'd argue someone becomes incompatible

Argue all you like, but the word has a definition and you haven't got a grasp on what it is yet.   You don't "become incompatible."  You might become incompatible with your girlfriend if, say, you used to love to party and booze it up and now you don't want to anymore.  You are no longer compatible WITH HER.  You're not suddenly objectively incompatible.  Compatibility is only relative in context to someone / something else.

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

 

Here is an excellent example of what I mean "this 28yo is too young for me, she is more your age range, you should hang out" Said 28 yo. is a dancer with a physique which would attract dozens of guys, "she is just my friend" yes but when she is lapping up expensive lunches, fast cars and glitzy events with someone who is not shy, has the charm I wish I had. Why would this person give me the time of day when I have none of that and zero confidence. In short not compatible. 

All that would likely happen is I'd get looked down at like a second class citizen and made to feel like one. 

 

Ugh. The above was cringeworthy to read.  Why do you have such an ugly opinion of this woman simply because she has a nice body?   

In any case, you have no idea who she is as a person, you just attributed a boatload of bad qualities to her because she has a great build.  Of course you will never find out whether you'd be compatible with her or pretty much anyone else, since you have applied massive judgements on everyone around you without bothering to interact with them or understand who they are beyond what everyone can see.

Are you aware that you function on a profoundly superficial level where other people are concerned?   You tend to put them all down because you think THEY (women) are all superficial and only attracted to "expensive lunches, fast cars and glitzy events" and / or (for men) stellar beauty.

That's you projecting.  Sure there are plenty  other people as superficial as you are, or close - but it's not the norm.  

[basil67]

@ZA Dater you've got this whole thread asking about compatibility.  We've all taken the time to explain that compatibility is gauged as a couple gets to know each other better.   But you're still arguing that compatibility can be based on a person's looks.   Do you think we're all wrong, or do you not understand how compatibility works?

When it comes to a beautiful woman, unless you have a full understanding of who she is, what she enjoys doing and the inner workings of her mind, you have NO IDEA who she'd be compatible with.  For all you know, she could be a completely insecure pain in the arse who most guys would dump when they get to know her. Or she may be an introvert who drags herself to parties but craves an evening with Netflix and a hot chocolate.   She may be a kindergarten teacher who all the little kids adore because she's very kind.  She may be an academic.  Or she may moonlight at a sex worker.   This business of judging a person based on nothing more than how they present at an event is beyond shallow.

As an aside, now that you've given a better description of these events you attend, they sound like they are curated... and as such they do not reflect how average humans operate in a social setting.  What is your experience of going to, say, the 40th birthday party of a regular friend (not someone from this manufactured environment)?