Otter2569 Posted December 7, 2022 Posted December 7, 2022 Just finished a 4-day weekend with a woman that I really care for and have been dating for 4 months. Overall, it was a fantastic time BUT it ended flat: rushed, uninspired sex before leaving the BnB then a few dull closed mouth kisses before departing. I wasn't expecting sex and didnt initiate it since the night before she was questioning our relationship and saying that she feels insecure at times. I've been wondering if we are sexually compatible (another post) since things are starting to feel routine. I am thinking that is coming through in my vibe. This morning After our weekend she immediately left on an international business trip and will be away for a few days. There has been some light texting since. My gut reaction is to go cold and silent but am at a loss how to best handle this since things have typically been great. We have a date planned the night she returns home in 4 days. I do want to address the things she brought up and the sex situation after she gets home but in the meantime I am at a loss.
Mrin Posted December 7, 2022 Posted December 7, 2022 Do you like her and want to keep dating her/turn this into a relationship? Your post didn't seem clear on that.
NuevoYorko Posted December 7, 2022 Posted December 7, 2022 I hope you resist your impulse to "go cold and silent." That's no way to treat someone you have cared about. 2 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 7, 2022 Posted December 7, 2022 27 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: My gut reaction is to go cold and silent That would be pretty hurtful to her, and guaranteed to put a screeching halt to whatever is developing between you two. Why would you consider taking this approach? 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 7, 2022 Posted December 7, 2022 6 hours ago, Otter2569 said: We have a date planned the night she returns home in 4 days See how the date goes and talk in person. Maybe you can clear the air, maybe it's the fork in the road. It seems like the relationship has run it's course due to multiple incompatibilities from sex to communication to expectations. Talk in person. See what happens.
Author Otter2569 Posted December 7, 2022 Author Posted December 7, 2022 (edited) 6 hours ago, Mrin said: Do you like her and want to keep dating her/turn this into a relationship? Your post didn't seem clear on that. Yes we have been in an exclusive relationship, and we have very strong feelings for each other. This is our first awkward situation. I don't want to ruin this but I also don't know what I should do given that she is away for work. Edited December 7, 2022 by Otter2569
Author Otter2569 Posted December 7, 2022 Author Posted December 7, 2022 18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: See how the date goes and talk in person. Maybe you can clear the air, maybe it's the fork in the road. It seems like the relationship has run it's course due to multiple incompatibilities from sex to communication to expectations. Talk in person. See what happens. Sex is really the area that requires attention IMO. Things in all other areas have typically been great. Let's see if I can act like nothing is bothering me until I pick her up at the airport on Saturday. That probably isn't the best timing either. 1
Author Otter2569 Posted December 7, 2022 Author Posted December 7, 2022 6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: That would be pretty hurtful to her, and guaranteed to put a screeching halt to whatever is developing between you two. Why would you consider taking this approach? I know it's not the thing to do but my feelings are hurt. We are both sensitive so I am trying not to be impulsive.
glows Posted December 7, 2022 Posted December 7, 2022 What do you mean she feels insecure? Do you have any idea what she’s referring to? Is it the female friends or any exes still hovering? It’s interesting that you’ve emphasized the sex wasn’t good or you may not be sexually compatible. It’s not going to be good if she’s threatened or insecure about something. People usually can’t get comfortable or be completely uninhibited if they’re feeling stressed. Yes, there are exceptions. 4 days is okay. Be busy and make an effort to reach out and let her know you still care/still there. If these are issues outside of sex, sex is inevitably affected anyway. Your emotional connection is not so good. 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 7, 2022 Posted December 7, 2022 (edited) 8 hours ago, Otter2569 said: night before she was questioning our relationship. Unfortunately this seems like a lot more than sexual taste differences. *Questioning the relationship" often means one person is so unhappy they're considering ending it. Unfortunately it seems you two are not on the same wavelength and you are misreading the issue that it's just sex toys and lingerie as the problem. Talk in person when she's back. Don't bother bringing up the sexual dissatisfaction because if she wants to break up, the point is moot. Edited December 7, 2022 by Wiseman2
Author Otter2569 Posted December 7, 2022 Author Posted December 7, 2022 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately this seems like a lot more than sexual taste differences. *Questioning the relationship" often means one person is so unhappy they're considering ending it. Unfortunately it seems you two are not on the same wavelength and you are misreading the issue that it's just sex toys and lingerie as the problem. Talk in person when she's back. Don't bother bringing up the sexual dissatisfaction because if she wants to break up, the point is moot. Poor phraseology on my part. She tends to be an over thinker. She was questioning whether l know what I want from our relationship, she didn't like when I said that we make a great 'team'. I should have said 'Couple' , asked if there were any differences between us that concern me (she referenced spending patterns - she is a shopper, I am a browser) and said i hadn't been as attentive lately and she gets insecure and doesn't want to get her heart broken. The sex thing has had me stepping back and assessing our compatibility. .
Author Otter2569 Posted December 7, 2022 Author Posted December 7, 2022 Her insecurity could have been triggered by me being too tired for sex on night 3 since the tone was a bit cooler on day 4 and thus the questions. She wanted sex every day (day 1&2 were very fun) but I was exhausted after a late night and a very long fun day. We definitely need to work on communication and expectations. This was our first 4 days away and we were dealing with jet lag and being on the go. We both fell asleep at 8pm on night 4 (day drinking and being outside in the cold weather all day).
poppyfields Posted December 7, 2022 Posted December 7, 2022 11 hours ago, Otter2569 said: I wasn't expecting sex and didnt initiate it since the night before she was questioning our relationship and saying that she feels insecure at times. And your response was? Did you ask her what she feels insecure about and have a conversation about it? The fact that your first instinct was/is to become cold and distant suggests indifference, even though in truth you feel quite strongly about her. It's a mixed message and she may be feeling confused. And hurt. Going silent will only add to that confusion and hurt. I have not read your previous thread discussing sexual incompatibility, but find it odd that during 4 days together, you did not initiate sexual intimacy nor did you expect it. Something sounds terribly off and my suggestion is to have an honest. open discussion about it including your feelings and where you envision your relationship heading.
Author Otter2569 Posted December 7, 2022 Author Posted December 7, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: And your response was? Did you ask her what she feels insecure about and have a conversation about it? The fact that your first instinct was/is to become cold and distant suggests indifference, even though in truth you feel quite strongly about her. It's a mixed message and she may be feeling confused. And hurt. Going silent will only add to that confusion and hurt. I have not read your previous thread discussing sexual incompatibility, but find it odd that during 4 days together, you did not initiate sexual intimacy nor did you expect it. Something sounds terribly off and my suggestion is to have an honest. open discussion about it including your feelings and where you envision your relationship heading. This morning i sent her a nice text and we exchanged messages. I knew that my initial reaction was not the way to handle this but in the heat of things you sometimes resort to bad habits thus my post looking for advice I did initiate sex and even brought sexy things with us. I didn't anticipate sex every day especially after a late night and a long day on the go but I can see how she might feel insecure if it was something that she was looking forward to and it didn't turn out as expected. I am planning to have a conversation about everything when she gets back in a few days. Edited December 7, 2022 by Otter2569
Beachead Posted December 7, 2022 Posted December 7, 2022 @Otter2569 How would you feel if this woman broke it off with you and moved on with her life and you never saw or heard from her again?
Calmandfocused Posted December 7, 2022 Posted December 7, 2022 Hmmm … I haven’t read your other thread Otter however my sense is that this lady is not for you! Sometimes “it’s just not there”, meaning it doesn’t matter how right a person is on paper, you just don’t mesh. Look, your sex sounds as boring as watching paint dry. That should tell you something. At this stage in the relationship I’d expect you not being able to keep your hands off each other, irrespective of your age or how tired you are. Nah! Something is wrong Otter. This isn’t going to work out in my view.
Alpacalia Posted December 7, 2022 Posted December 7, 2022 There is an insecurity in both of you that feeds off the insecurity of the other. She creates the problem through her sexual excess. She feels insecure about your commitment, so she tries to compensate for it by providing you with sex in order to make up for it. If you do not want to have sex with her, whether you are tired of having sex with her or for reasonable reasons, she feels rejected. In response, you try to overcompensate in the bedroom, but by doing so, the impression is left that you're not meeting her sexual needs, so you become discouraged and deflated about whatever you're doing. The problem is that riding to the rescue gets exhausting after awhile. Once the fantasy of being the one guy who can fix her with his love begins to fade, the excitement turns to anger and frustration. Anyway, if you find that you really get off on this type of woman, understand why. It's fun and sexy for awhile. It gets old fast.
Stret Posted December 7, 2022 Posted December 7, 2022 16 hours ago, Otter2569 said: it was a fantastic time BUT it ended flat: rushed, uninspired sex before leaving the BnB then a few dull closed mouth kisses before departing. Could it have happened this way just because of the circumstances? I dated someone and the first time we had sex was underwhelming to say the least. In a month time, he was the best sex I've ever had. If there is chemistry between you two, it will work out. If there is nothing, then it will not be the best sex - but depending on your age and priorities, maybe a good enough sex will be good enough to be happy and in a healthy relationship. I am 44 and even though sex is important, I would not think twice before choosing a relationship with someone who is compatible with me in every other way, than one with someone whom I have a great chemistry and sex with. Chemistry is deceiving. It is physical. It can often lead to a completely wrong person. It can blind you. If there is good enough chemistry and good enough sex, why not. Sex is mostly in the head too, so if you two are having a great time with each other and are in love, sex will usually follow. 1
Author Otter2569 Posted December 8, 2022 Author Posted December 8, 2022 6 hours ago, Stret said: Could it have happened this way just because of the circumstances? ...maybe a good enough sex will be good enough to be happy and in a healthy relationship. ...I would not think twice before choosing a relationship with someone who is compatible with me in every other way, than one with someone whom I have a great chemistry and sex with. ...If there is good enough chemistry and good enough sex, why not. Sex is mostly in the head too, so if you two are having a great time with each other and are in love, sex will usually follow. She is amazing in every way. Sex, which in past relationships has almost always come easily is more of a struggle here and that freaks me out. Perhaps i need to relax and take time to appreciate what I have vs thinking I should have conquered it in 16 weeks. 1
glows Posted December 8, 2022 Posted December 8, 2022 I have a healthy sex drive and hearing about this much sex and the kinds of expectations you both seem to have of one another is exhausting. I’m being blunt because there’s no way I would look to sustaining a relationship this exhausting in the long run. I’d focus on more care and understanding and foster deeper affection for one another. How can you possibly see yourself with someone who can’t even understand when you’re tired after two consecutive days of sex and love you anyway. I think you’re pushing yourself to jump through hoops with her and it results in high highs and low lows the moment she doesn’t get what she wants. She may be a deeply insecure person to start and if that’s the case tread carefully.
Mrin Posted December 8, 2022 Posted December 8, 2022 So.... 2 thoughts for you 1. If you fancy her: You need to be steady Eddie in giving her attention - especially after she has expressed insecurities and after your fizzled last sex. She will naturally be on the lookout for you to pull back and once you do she will immediately start trying to shut down any feelings she has for you out of a sense of protecting herself. 2. As for the sex: look I freely admit that I'm the resident horn dog here. Lol. Or at least one of them. I do agree with what other folks have said about good sex coming with time. There's definitely something to be said for that. However... In my experience you know pretty early on if you are jiving sexually. When I have felt like we aren't - then typically we don't ever get to the really great sex stage. I spent too many years of my youth in relationships like that. I refuse to ever do it again. And so when I found myself in that situation I have moved on quickly. No matter how awesome she was. While I have never remarried, I find myself currently in a relationship having the best sex of my life. Bar none. By a country mile (or four). And that's on top of some really great sexual partners I've had in the last ten years. Great sex in a relationship is incredibly important to me. It is our private language. Best of luck! Mrin
ExpatInItaly Posted December 8, 2022 Posted December 8, 2022 It sounds like sex soothes her insecurity, and she wants it every day to reassure herself that you are into her. This is exhausting and not sustainable. One should be able to forgo sex for a night because they are tired, so you are not unreasonable. If that is enough to make her go cool and distant and trigger her insecurities, that is her issue to fix. Not yours.
ZA Dater Posted December 8, 2022 Posted December 8, 2022 On 12/7/2022 at 12:24 PM, Wiseman2 said: See how the date goes and talk in person. Maybe you can clear the air, maybe it's the fork in the road. It seems like the relationship has run it's course due to multiple incompatibilities from sex to communication to expectations. Talk in person. See what happens. Agree with this, communication is vital, without it you are pretty much lost. At least with clear communication you know where you stand. 1
Author Otter2569 Posted December 8, 2022 Author Posted December 8, 2022 3 hours ago, Mrin said: Great sex in a relationship is incredibly important to me. It is our private language. I totally agree with you! I've always prided myself on being a fun, attentive and generous lover. I put a lot of thought and effort into pleasing my partners and always get very positive feedback so to be with someone a number of times and feel insufficient / confused is new territory. Its still a lot of fun i just need to settle in and find a groove or so I think.
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