First relationship, feeling doubt

[Rana]

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years. He is my first boyfriend, so it makes it harder for me to sometimes understand my feelings. I don't know if feeling certain ways in the relationship is normal or a sign that I've fallen out of love.

For the last year, I've just felt a bit of doubt for time to time for no specific reason other than maybe feeling like we lack a spark or something feels wrong. But I also know the influence of other relationships, even in movies or instagram confuses me because I don't have much experience and therefore no idea of a "normal" relationship. I see these relationships and I want us to be more adventurous, and passionate and spontaneous. But he's a very relaxed person, something I do actually like. I just wish he was more forward at times because then I'd feel more validated. But then again, he shows this in other ways, and when I'm feeling particularly down, he is always there for me. I also understand that I'm the type of person that doesn't like uncertainty and it can create a bit of vicious cycle in my head. These kind of thoughts create this doubt that I don't know is normal or a sign that we should break up. Especially because I can't pinpoint an exact reason. I almost wished I had dated more people beforehand, so I would know if it normal to wish for some things a partner can't give, and if it's normal to feel some reoccurring doubt

[stillafool]

Hi Rana and welcome to LoveShack.  First how old are you both?  It sounds like what you're missing is passion.  Do you feel butterflies in your stomach at the thought of seeing him or when he kisses you?  You say that you almost wish you had dated more people beforehand and I will agree.  It certainly isn't too late to break up and start dating guys you feel give you more of a spark.  That is what dating is about, especially when you are young.

Edited December 6, 2022 by stillafool

[glows]

Communicate communicate communicate.

Tell him what makes you excited and ask him what he likes. You’ll hear many long term relationships described as needing some work and that may mean working on being more open, communicative and willing to be vulnerable and share with your partner. I can almost guarantee he’s feeling the exact same way and if he cares that much for you he’d want to hear what you have to say or share what he thinks. 

[ExpatInItaly]

People often outgrow their first loves, OP. 

We usually learn from these relationships rather than settle into them for a lifetime. Some last, but the majority don't - and with good reason. We grow and change and aren't ready to commit to just this one person forever. You should have a conversation with him about where you are both at, in terms of seeing a future together (or not) 

How old are you both? 

[Rana]

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

Hi Rana and welcome to LoveShack.  First how old are you both?  It sounds like what you're missing is passion.  Do you feel butterflies in your stomach at the thought of seeing him or when he kisses you?  You say that you almost wish you had dated more people beforehand and I will agree.  It certainly isn't too late to break up and start dating guys you feel give you more of a spark.  That is what dating is about, especially when you are young.

Thank you for your reply. We're both 23! I do get butterflies and still feel excitement when I go to see him. But I also have a tendency to question things and doubt (for no real reason I think?). I just feel like my feelings are all over the show and I don't like the uncertainty. I also can't help but feel that he's a really special person that I don't want to let go of either. Is it normal to simulatenously doubt but want to keep your relationship? Even if we broke up, I don't feel like I'll have any real need to date other people as I am quite comfortable on my own. Which is mostly why he's my first relationship (I wouldn't date anyone unless I was serious about them)  

[Rana]

7 hours ago, glows said:

Communicate communicate communicate.

Tell him what makes you excited and ask him what he likes. You’ll hear many long term relationships described as needing some work and that may mean working on being more open, communicative and willing to be vulnerable and share with your partner. I can almost guarantee he’s feeling the exact same way and if he cares that much for you he’d want to hear what you have to say or share what he thinks. 

Thank you for this comment. I really do need to talk to him about this and I think it would be good for us both. I am pretty scared of hurting him because I think that would hurt more than how I'm feeling now. But I get that it's very important!

[Rana]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

People often outgrow their first loves, OP. 

We usually learn from these relationships rather than settle into them for a lifetime. Some last, but the majority don't - and with good reason. We grow and change and aren't ready to commit to just this one person forever. You should have a conversation with him about where you are both at, in terms of seeing a future together (or not) 

How old are you both? 

We are both 23. I kinda understand the outgrowing your first love but I've also found that I've grown a lot with him too. I think we both see enough of a future but, unfortunately, are about to go into long distance. This puts even more strain as I only ever feel the doubt when I'm not with him. 

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, Rana said:

We are both 23., unfortunately, are about to go into long distance. 

Why are you about to be a distance situation? Work? Studies? Family? Visa issues?

Why not set both yourselves free? It's unfair to hang on to a stale relationship as a security blanket. 

Add to this the headaches, heartaches, challenges, expenses and temptations involved in frustrating distance situations, and your need to be kind and let him go should become clearer.

Edited December 7, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Rana]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why are you about to be a distance situation? Work? Studies? Family? Visa issues?

Why not set both yourselves free? It's unfair to hang on to a stale relationship as a security blanket. 

Add to this the headaches, heartaches, challenges, expenses and temptations involved in frustrating distance situations, and your need to be kind and let him go should become clearer.

It's for work for mostly likely one year. Although we will be able to meet every couple of weeks. And it is hard because I see a future with him (and he with me). It's more than I'm not sure if other long lasting relationships ever experience this kind of doubt. 

[glows]

Rana, is there someone else in the picture? A friend on the side? New guy on IG? What doubt is it you’re referring to? 

In some ways what you describe is indeed quite hurtful because it presents indecisiveness and no solutions. When I suggested communication it was with the mind that your intent is to recover the spark and be more in tune with one another not just dump painful indecisiveness on the other person and expect the problem to go away. 

You need to make up your mind and leave if you’re really not interested or there’s someone else you’re interested in. 

Edited December 7, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Rana said:

 if it normal to wish for some things a partner can't give

What things can't he give you?

[Rana]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What things can't he give you?

He's not very forward or good at iniating things such as dates or compliments. When I ask he does but I have to ask each time instead of him saying something from the start. Sometimes it leaves me feeling a little invalidated and when I talked to him about it, it still didn't really change. I guess may I want to feel a bit more loved? Although he does show this in other ways (acts of service, support) 

[Rana]

9 hours ago, glows said:

Rana, is there someone else in the picture? A friend on the side? New guy on IG? What doubt is it you’re referring to? 

In some ways what you describe is indeed quite hurtful because it presents indecisiveness and no solutions. When I suggested communication it was with the mind that your intent is to recover the spark and be more in tune with one another not just dump painful indecisiveness on the other person and expect the problem to go away. 

You need to make up your mind and leave if you’re really not interested or there’s someone else you’re interested in. 

There's no one else. I wouldn't put anyone through that. I'm also plenty happy on my own (only child), which also makes me sometimes feel like that would be easier. Luckily for us, we're both pretty good at giving each other space for me-time.

I wasn't planning on dumping it on him. But I would like to communicate how I'm feeling so that we can work through it together. And at the same time, I'd really like to hear what he needs from me too. We're usually very open about all this kind of stuff but I'm struggling to recognise what my own feelings means which is why I posted... I love him, I think he's incredible. I think obviously there are areas where we can both improve, but I want to know if it's normal to feel so uncertain? Could I be more uncertain than most because I am in my first relationship? Or because I don’t mind being by myself (this is not at all exclusive to him, I'm just that kind of person). 

Edited December 7, 2022 by Rana
Typo

[stillafool]

It sounds like you want more compliments, is that right?  If so, do you compliment him?

[Lotsgoingon]

If you do not feel validated in your relationship, that's for real. Don't talk yourself into pretending that you feel validated. Bring up with your partner that you don't feel validated and see if he responds. If he doesn't respond well and you still don't feel validated that's quite often a sign that the relationship is not going to feel good for you. 

Worrying about whether your expectations are too high is like me being in excruciating pain from a broken leg and thinking well maybe it's normal to have pain like this. Well no, I don't want to think that. I want to get to the hospital to check on this painful leg! A good part of a healthy romantic relationship is you feel good about it, on a gut level, even if you don't have words. Yes, you also need to do some thinking, but you do not want to dismiss your gut. 

A close friend of mine worked as a court officer whose job it was to visit some of the most dangerous neighborhoods in his city. He learned over time that yes, sometimes he'll start a visit with some anxiety, but if things get really scary as he was going to visit someone, he'd pay attention that--even if he couldn't identify what was scaring him. Sometimes it's the body language and facial expressions of the people nearby. So if he were walking down a block and felt really really unsafe, he'd back himself out--and he would say he didn't need to know why he was so scared. He'd come back on a different day. 

You can end up justifying a lot of misery if you question yourself when you're not feeling good. You can talk yourself into staying in really bad, even abusive, relationships. I'm not saying throw out your analytical mind, but justifying misery or emptiness based on the possibility that your expectations are realistic--sorry that doesn't work.

Hopefully you're not taking that attitude about a career or work or hobbies. I don't like this hobby, but maybe I'm not supposed to like it--no, that path leads to madness, insanity and misery.

Here's a link to an interview with a famous brain researcher, who has persuaded much of the field that emotions are important to any good decision making. Some of his work was done based on studying people with damage to parts of the brain that processed and generated emotions. Without those emotions, the researcher found, people make stupid decisions. The emotions (your feeling of emptiness and not feeling validated) should be considered part of your serious thinking about your relationship. 

https://www.technologyreview.com/2014/06/17/172310/the-importance-of-feelings/

 

 

[glows]

7 hours ago, Rana said:

There's no one else. I wouldn't put anyone through that. I'm also plenty happy on my own (only child), which also makes me sometimes feel like that would be easier. Luckily for us, we're both pretty good at giving each other space for me-time.

I wasn't planning on dumping it on him. But I would like to communicate how I'm feeling so that we can work through it together. And at the same time, I'd really like to hear what he needs from me too. We're usually very open about all this kind of stuff but I'm struggling to recognise what my own feelings means which is why I posted... I love him, I think he's incredible. I think obviously there are areas where we can both improve, but I want to know if it's normal to feel so uncertain? Could I be more uncertain than most because I am in my first relationship? Or because I don’t mind being by myself (this is not at all exclusive to him, I'm just that kind of person). 

I don’t have the answers for you unfortunately. That’s something you’ll have to figure out with yourself and your partner. I can only say no, I haven’t felt uncertain if I know I want to be with someone. The uncertainty arises if I’ve lost respect or my feelings have changed and I’m usually aware of those changes and what I feel. And what I feel is tied specifically to reasons and actions or non-actions. 

It sounds like you’re open to listening to him too. See what he says and go from there. This is really between the both of you and from what I can see there aren’t any major conflicts and issues in your relationship.

Edited December 8, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

On 12/7/2022 at 3:25 PM, Rana said:

. When I ask he does but I have to ask each time instead of him saying something from the start.  I guess may I want to feel a bit more loved? 

Since you have already told him that you want more from him, including more love, more compliments, more interest, more initiative, and he hasn't responded that much, it may be time to reflect on incompatibilities and consider that he's just not that into you. At least not as much as you would like.

You'll feel "more loved" when you free yourself from coasting along and have the courage to find men who want what you want and suit your personality and needs better.

[Sumting Wong]

I just want to add that looking to instagram for what your relationship should be like is not a good idea.  Or the media.  It's curated content.  Entertainment.  With that said, everyone's relationship and set of needs are different.  I'll echo what many have said in this thread.  Communicate.  Don't be afraid to fail at communicating, it takes practice and thought.  It requires you to know yourself but also be empathetic to your partners needs.  

[emotionallybroken9]

Hey Rana, I’ll just throw in my two cents cuz I also didn’t get into dating until later in the game. 
 

You’re 23. I got into my relationship at 23, and lasted till 35. No regrets even though it ended painfully and horrendously lol.  I’m 37 now with a few dates under my belt. Now in 1 year super fantabulous relationship   
 

That said, I wish I had dated in my 20’s, instead of locking down the first nice girl that flirted back with me. It was fun, but clearly we were not compatible in enough ways that realistically the relationship should’ve ended after 1 year, but we stuck it out and divorced 9 years later lol. 
 

what I’m saying is, there’s a BILLION fish in the sea. Don’t go into any of em as “THIS IS THE ONE.” Eventually you’ll find one that has also grown and changed and found what he likes. 
 

doesn’t mean you have to break up, and doesn’t mean you should cheat cuz you’re afraid of being alone. You actually grow the most after a breakup! There’s a Black Mirror episode about this very thing. It’s the one where the couple uses a dating app to find the perfect match. Give it a watch, it’s called Hang the DJ. 
 

look at it this way too, I just googled how many of us are on this blue rock. 
 

8,004,536,852 people. 
 

There are 2,569,398,787 males between 15-64 years old. 
 

some people are okay trying 1 out of 2569398787 and calling it quits. 
 

whatever you do, just don’t waste either of your time

 

good luck! Have fun! I envy your youth