Odd comment regarding abortion

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

It's fine if this is what you (or the OP) would do, but that's the whole point of having a conversation about it - so that the other person knows and can make an informed decision.

My sentiments exactly.  It's the mature and responsible thing to do and frankly I am a bit baffled why you took such offense to it.

 

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Tinytears1 said:

I was asking HIM to put a condom on during each episode of intercourse. So not sure where he got the idea I could fall pregnant - unless he thinks I am Mary.

People can sense things about others, through their vibe and energy.  And let's face it, you admitted you would welcome a pregnancy, in fact I myself am getting the vibe just from your posts that you would have welcomed a pregnancy, sooner rather than later.

Otherwise, why would you have taken such offense to him broaching the subject?

Again discussing it was the mature and responsible thing to do.

[Tinytears1]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

People can sense things about others, through their vibe and energy.  And let's face it, you admitted you would welcome a pregnancy, in fact I myself am getting the vibe just from your posts that you would have welcomed a pregnancy, sooner rather than later.

Otherwise, why would you have taken such offense to him broaching the subject?

Again discussing it was the mature and responsible thing to do.

We already had discussed it. I said I would like a family but not with someone until I had know them a year or so. Not sure why he had to bring it up again as it had already been discussed maturely.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Tinytears1 said:

Not sure why he had to bring it up again as it had already been discussed maturely.

Had you previously discussed how you two would handle an "accident" that resulted in pregnancy? Even with multiple forms of contraception an accident can still happen and you end up pregnant.

[Tinytears1]

Just now, stillafool said:

Had you previously discussed how you two would handle an "accident" that resulted in pregnancy? Even with multiple forms of contraception an accident can still happen and you end up pregnant.

An IUCD, the combined oral contraceptive pill and condom use. Add in me being 35 and him being 48 and statistically you would have to be in the 0.0000000000001% for that to happen.
 

 

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, Tinytears1 said:

We already had discussed it. I said I would like a family but not with someone until I had know them a year or so. Not sure why he had to bring it up again as it had already been discussed maturely.

I don't know, does it matter?   If you don't want a pregnancy right now, why take such offense to it?  

You don't know his history, perhaps he experienced an ex-girlfriend claiming she was using contraception and she became pregnant anyway, it's not uncommon.

He was being self-protective because an unwelcome pregnancy is a very serious matter, which is why people discuss, confirm and re-confirm that all precautions are being taken to assure a pregnancy does not happen before both people are ready for it and want it.

And IF you did get pregnant and decided to keep the baby, he would be responsible for the child too, which is also a VERY serious matter for men and one they would want to avoid when possible until they are ready to be responsible for such child.

Not sure why you're unable to see this from HIS perspective.  It's very clear to me and I'm a woman!

 

 

 

Edited December 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

OK so if in the event of pregnancy, you two don't agree on the end results of that. That's a pretty serious opinion you cannot ignore.  IMO at 48 never married/no children, is not a good prospect but a big red flag.  If he was really interested in finding a wife and starting a family, he would have done it by now. You said it...he is the one with the problem. To me it sounds like a lot hot air coming from him. Him texting is him bread crumbing you. Just think...if he was a gentleman he would have proper communication with you, knowing that the subject matter would be sensitive to any woman, instead he's avoiding you, being a big coward. He was only thinking about himself. I think this all happened for a reason...it's a warning sign. Follow your gut, not your heart. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Let this be the opportunity to talk about your relationship, OP. 

This conversation about aborting an unplanned pregnancy is raising other issues that have been weighing on you with him, so it's time to have an honest chat about what you both want for yourselves. It is not unheard of, but very few men are going to be keen to bring a baby into the world at middle age. He might have been telling you what you hoped to hear when he previously said he wanted kids too, or perhaps he's had a change of heart.

I think the likelihood of this man actually wanting to father a baby is slim-to-none, I am afraid to say. 

[Tinytears1]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Let this be the opportunity to talk about your relationship, OP. 

This conversation about aborting an unplanned pregnancy is raising other issues that have been weighing on you with him, so it's time to have an honest chat about what you both want for yourselves. It is not unheard of, but very few men are going to be keen to bring a baby into the world at middle age. He might have been telling you what you hoped to hear when he previously said he wanted kids too, or perhaps he's had a change of heart.

I think the likelihood of this man actually wanting to father a baby is slim-to-none, I am afraid to say. 

Agree

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Tinytears1 said:

An IUCD, the combined oral contraceptive pill and condom use. Add in me being 35 and him being 48 and statistically you would have to be in the 0.0000000000001% for that to happen.
 

 

Thank you for this information but you did not answer my question.

[Alpacalia]

He assumed that if you were to become pregnant that you would abort the child. If you were to fall pregnant and choose to raise the child on your own without his involvement emotionally or financially that's one thing. But to assume you would just abort it with no say in the matter over it is another.

He can get a vasectomy if he feels that strongly about it.

Edited December 7, 2022 by Alpacalia

[IrinaM]

6 hours ago, Tinytears1 said:

I earn twice as much as him and I have more in my pension than him - despite him being a man who is 13 years older.

then between that and his "abortion comment," i think you should dump him. You are better off alone.

I know I'm more "old-fashioned" than most people, but this situation isn't fair to you. You don't need a man so much older and with so much less money; where's the benefit to you?

And his "abortion comment" tells you a lot about his character. If he accidentally gets a woman pregnant, abortion is a handy form of late contraception. He doesn't want to raise a child that he's not prepared for, nor does he want to abstain from sex, you can just go get an abortion.

[Allupinnit]

Very surprised this guy hasn't gotten a vasectomy at 48, since he unfortunately never found a woman good enough to have a family with.

The flippant way he brought it up was indeed callous and tells me that he's most likely responsible for more than one abortion, maybe even under coercion.  How do you say that to a 35-year-old woman you are being intimate with, knowing her stance on family?  TACKY.

Immature, tone-deaf, rude, and yes it's highly pretentious of him to assume you'd handle an oopsie the way HE would want you to.

Edited December 7, 2022 by Allupinnit

[poppyfields]

18 hours ago, Tinytears1 said:

He said if I was to fall pregnant at the moment anyway he would expect we would be in the same page with abortion.

Are those the words he used, that he would "expect" you to be on the same page about abortion?  Or were you paraphrasing?

In any event, I am curious how you responded.  If he did say "expect," you could have, and should have imo responded with "no, if you expect that I would get an abortion, you would be very wrong about that."  And then have a discussion about it. 

It's called being responsible because having a child is a huge deal that both people should be ready for, emotionally and financially.

I don't think it's fair to disparage him because he's not ready to have a child with a woman he's been dating 10 weeks.  

I also don't think you should make judgments about him or any man based on his age and whether or not he's ever been married.  

It's quite possible at 48 years of age, he would like to get married and have a child, but again you've only been dating 10 weeks.  Many men are marrying and having children later in life.   For various reasons, it doesn't always mean something negative.

My husband was 44 when we met and 45 when we married.  He had never been married previously.  He very much wanted a child and was ecstatic when I became pregnant and devastated when I miscarried. 

That said, your guy's  "expectation" that you would get an abortion was wrong however the basic premise of him wanting to open up a conversation about it was not.

It just came off wrong, if in fact he used the word "expect" and you were not paraphrasing.

 

Edited December 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

I see this from a different perspective. I suppose because an ex wanted to get me pregnant, and I was not ready.

Both of you have a responsibility for contraception.

You're already taking the necessary precautions with contraception. He uses condoms.

He's being up front with you. LISTEN to him. He's telling you what he wants to happen in the event of a booboo. Don't just wash over it. He doesn't feel the same way you do about wanting children.

It sounds like you'd be happier anyway with someone who would rather have a partner who would be willing to raise a child with you.

Edited December 7, 2022 by Alpacalia

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I see this from a different perspective. I suppose because an ex wanted to get me pregnant, and I was not ready.

Both of you have a responsibility for contraception.

You're already taking the necessary precautions with contraception. He uses condoms.

He's being up front with you. LISTEN to him. He's telling you what he wants to happen in the event of a booboo. Don't just wash over it. He doesn't feel the same way you do about wanting children.

 

I agree.  With respect bolded, at least not with a woman he's been dating only 10 weeks and perhaps not even with you @Tinytears. 

[ ] 

 

Edited December 7, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
duplicate statement

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I agree.  With respect bolded, at least not with a woman he's been dating only 10 weeks and perhaps not even with you @Tinytears. 

[ ] 

 

Agreed.

I think it's only fair that he has an equal say and an equal power. While he could have talked with her to learn her feelings, thoughts, and concerns and come to an agreement, he kind of implied that she would have an abortion with no input from her.

The essence of what he said was that he wanted no responsibility. He does not wish to be held accountable if she becomes pregnant accidentally. In other words, if he accidentally gets you pregnant, you are on your own. If you do want children, now or in the future, this is a major incompatibility between you, right there.

Now, it’s good he told you. Is this acceptable to you, or do you suspect you would want to keep an unplanned child? 

You have only two options that are fair: you can break up, or you can accept the sole responsibility for any unplanned child you might have, including financially. He told you very clearly he doesn’t want this responsibility. It wouldn’t be fair to expect it of him when you’ve been warned, even if it is a legal option you have. So, you can enjoy the relationship while it lasts, but at your own risk.

[Tinytears1]

6 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Very surprised this guy hasn't gotten a vasectomy at 48, since he unfortunately never found a woman good enough to have a family with.

The flippant way he brought it up was indeed callous and tells me that he's most likely responsible for more than one abortion, maybe even under coercion.  How do you say that to a 35-year-old woman you are being intimate with, knowing her stance on family?  TACKY.

Immature, tone-deaf, rude, and yes it's highly pretentious of him to assume you'd handle an oopsie the way HE would want you to.

I agree with this. The only thing that baffles me was the insistent questioning at the beginning regarding my stance on family planning and him almost seeing it as a deal breaker if I DID NOT want to have kids. It took me until the fourth date before I said I would but not straight away.

 

Then a few weeks after he is bringing up abortion randomly in the context of a Saturday night date. When we have never had an episode of unprotected sex - which has been assured by ME.

 

He has done a bait and switch and it is horrible.

[Tinytears1]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Agreed.

I think it's only fair that he has an equal say and an equal power. While he could have talked with her to learn her feelings, thoughts, and concerns and come to an agreement, he kind of implied that she would have an abortion with no input from her.

The essence of what he said was that he wanted no responsibility. He does not wish to be held accountable if she becomes pregnant accidentally. In other words, if he accidentally gets you pregnant, you are on your own. If you do want children, now or in the future, this is a major incompatibility between you, right there.

Now, it’s good he told you. Is this acceptable to you, or do you suspect you would want to keep an unplanned child? 

You have only two options that are fair: you can break up, or you can accept the sole responsibility for any unplanned child you might have, including financially. He told you very clearly he doesn’t want this responsibility. It wouldn’t be fair to expect it of him when you’ve been warned, even if it is a legal option you have. So, you can enjoy the relationship while it lasts, but at your own risk.

He said he would expect me to have abortion in the context of us not being married - as ‘his mother would disown him’.

 

Not that he would always want me to have an abortion but in the context outwith marriage. He said ‘expected’. 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/6/2022 at 3:06 AM, Tinytears1 said:

I have been dating a 48/M 2/3 months - he is never married and no children.

 

Stop and reflect if during what is usually the honeymoon stage, if all this drama, hurt and incompatibility is worth your while.

You already know that if you want marriage and family, that this is not the man for you. It's better to cut your losses early than allow yourself to be strung along, wishing, hoping, waiting.

[glows]

2 hours ago, Tinytears1 said:

He said he would expect me to have abortion in the context of us not being married - as ‘his mother would disown him’.

 

Not that he would always want me to have an abortion but in the context outwith marriage. He said ‘expected’. 

If you’re looking for a refined or more cultivated person for a partner, I suggest letting this one go and don’t let this get the better of you. He’s not that guy.

Have you thought of freezing your eggs? I can’t help but infer a little here that some of the reason why you’re so upset also has to do with the ticking clock and this was time with someone incompatible.

[Weezy1973]

@Tinytears1 I think you have to make a decision about this guy and whether or not you want to keep seeing him. Are you with him because your “clock is ticking” and he seems like your last chance? Or do you truly him to be the kind of man you’d like to start a family and build a life together with? 
 

Also look into freezing your eggs. Could relieve some of the pressure you feel. 

Edited December 7, 2022 by Weezy1973

[Tinytears1]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

@Tinytears1 I think you have to make a decision about this guy and whether or not you want to keep seeing him. Are you with him because your “clock is ticking” and he seems like your last chance? Or do you truly him to be the kind of man you’d like to start a family and build a life together with? 
 

Also look into freezing your eggs. Could relieve some of the pressure you feel. 

He said after this he was sorry and he does see me as his girlfriend and also ‘long term’ 

 

maybe he just has had a panic? 

[Tinytears1]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

@Tinytears1 I think you have to make a decision about this guy and whether or not you want to keep seeing him. Are you with him because your “clock is ticking” and he seems like your last chance? Or do you truly him to be the kind of man you’d like to start a family and build a life together with? 
 

Also look into freezing your eggs. Could relieve some of the pressure you feel. 

Have already frozen my eggs at 33

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, Tinytears1 said:

 It was so bizarre.

I agree. This still feels subtly (or perhaps not so subtly) manipulative to me. Like he is showing you what you want to see first, and then once you are invested you are shown a different picture. Just a theory, dunno.

I'm male so it's hard to say, but I think that if it was me, with a partner like this, I'd be "wary". Some people are good at making themselves come across as everything you'd want at first.