Odd comment regarding abortion

[Tinytears1]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

He doesn't seem like the marriage and family type if he's middle aged and never done that. He's almost the age for grandchildren, so it's unclear why you would date someone13 years older. 

I tried but no men when were interested

[Tinytears1]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

 

It sounds like he was/is open to the idea of marriage and children at some point but has decided, after dating you for a while, that he does not want this future with you specifically. I am sure that stings, but it is better to know. 

Why would he keep messaging me though daily? Wanting to meet up etc? He has invited me to his concert this Sunday

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Tinytears1 said:

Yes - the fact he went on and on about wanting a child in early dating and now he appears to have changed his mind and ‘does not think he will ever get married.'

Based on this^ post and others, including that you yourself take great precautions to NOT get pregnant, it's clear YOU don't want children either -- at least not right now..

So not sure why him announcing that he doesn't either and broaching the subject of abortion upsets you so much such that you wished you had thrown him out of your car?  

When you look at this logically and with less emotion, you would realize you are both actually on the same page after only 10 weeks dating, you both do not want kids right now.

Otherwise again you would not be taking the precautions that you did/do to avoid pregnancy.

In the future?  With either him if things work out between you, or a different man, YES you DO want kids. 

And I would venture to guess, HE feels the exact same. He has not changed his mind in that regard, not from what I can see.

IMO, what upsets you is that by him pulling back, cancelling dates, not texting as often, etc you feel rejected.

That's what this is, your feelings of rejection and it's important you  become emotionally honest with yourself and not attach characteristics to him or his nature that don't exist. 

After getting to know you better, he lost interest, it happens, it's life. 

People can be wildly hot for you one minute /week/ month and then after some time getting to know, change their minds.

You seem confused by that reality.  Don't be.

Again it happens and once you understand this, you will find dating much more enjoyable imo and less anxiety provoking. 

All the best moving forward. 

Edited December 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, Tinytears1 said:

Why would he keep messaging me though daily? Wanting to meet up etc? He has invited me to his concert this Sunday

You wrote earlier:

past couple of weeks he cancelled plans with me also, then last night said he was ‘too tired to chat’. He has also not wanted to have sex past couple of weekends. All in all I feel he is loosing interest.

This would suggest you feel hurt and rejected by him. 

Are you you denying that now? 

Now I'm confused! 

Edited December 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[Tinytears1]

Just now, poppyfields said:

You wrote earlier:

past couple of weeks he cancelled plans with me also, then last night said he was ‘too tired to chat’. He has also not wanted to have sex past couple of weekends. All in all I feel he is loosing interest.

This would suggest you feel hurt rejected by him. 

Are you you denying that now? 

Now I'm confused! 

No I am agreeing

 

He is cancelling plans and not taking calls as he is too tired but on the other hand will text me daily and ask me on dates once or twice per week. It is a bit mixed picture.

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Tinytears1 said:

No I am agreeing

 

He is cancelling plans and not taking calls as he is too tired but on the other hand will text me daily and ask me on dates once or twice per week. It is a bit mixed picture.

If you're confused by his behavior, my advice is to talk to him.

Not in an accusatory manner, simply tell him you're confused and why. 

Because yes, I agree he is giving you mixed messages.

You becomimg upset by the abortion comment was a ruse to hide what's been really troubling you -- you feel confused, hurt, rejected by his sudden elusive behavior.

Talk to him. 

 

Edited December 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[Tinytears1]

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

If you're confused by his behavior, my advice is to talk to him.

Not in an accusatory manner, simply tell him you're confused and why. 

Because yes, I agree he is giving you mixed messages.

You becomimg upset by the abortion comment was a ruse to hide what's been really troubling you -- you feel confused, hurt, rejected by his sudden elusive behavior.

Talk to him. 

 

I did

He then said he sees me as his girlfriend and long term. I think he was upset that I was so upset. I gave no examples of his mixed messages.

 

he messaged this morning after he said he did not want to facetime last night and has been chatty all day. He maybe wants a relationship all on his terms? 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Tinytears1 said:

I tried but no men when were interested

Huh?

Are you saying that you're dating him because no other men are interested in you?

Clearly, there are two issues here. What he said and how he said it. Yes, he was sensible to explain his views on parenting and what to expect if you find yourself in this situation in the future. But he was also a bit of a git for saying it in such a hurtful way. Maybe you can revisit the situation. Let him know that you feel the same at least in terms of not wanting a child "right this second" (there's no point causing him more anxiety than is necessary!) but make it very clear that the way he talked to you was very hurtful, and (I'd imagine) made you feel less secure in the relationship.

"IF" this is a relationship that you want to continue you need to be able to have a difference in opinions without it being made personal...well, as far as that's possible. It's very well him being able to say how he feels about something, but to assume that you must feel the same way is not reasonable.

Edited December 6, 2022 by Alpacalia

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, Tinytears1 said:

He maybe wants a relationship all on his terms?

Instead of attempting to figure out and adjust yourself to what HE wants, figure out what YOU want. 

Are you happy in this relationship?  Do you feel happy, safe and secure?  Can you envision a future with him? 

Not based on how he was in the "beginning," the beginning is over, you're now in the present and it's important you view the situation from that angle.  

His actions in the present and your actions in response thereto. 

A bit of uncertainty is to be expected in early stages, but this goes beyond that. 

Happy people don't want to toss their partners out of their cars and all the other inner turmoil you're experiencing.

You do not need his permission to end it. 

. 

 

 

Edited December 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[Els]

While the way he worded it was not the best, he's right that it's an important discussion to have. The fact that you are on contraception doesn't diminish the importance of this conversation - for most life-changing events like marriage, death, and having kids, it's basically a case of try for the best outcome but prepare for the worst. It's important for both of you to be on the same page here - and it actually seems to me that you aren't. You were so offended at the thought of him wanting you to have an abortion that you wanted to throw him out... and I suspect he picked up on that and this is affecting his feelings towards your relationship at the moment.

FWIW, I'm a woman and I initiated this conversation with my partner before we started having intercourse. Of course, due to the genders being flipped, the way I worded it was a bit different: "I'm going to have an abortion if I get pregnant, is that something you would have an issue with?" We were using both the pill and the condom, but I still needed to know his thoughts on the matter. If it would be a big issue for him if I got one, then I would have needed to rethink many things. And that is with me being the person who ultimately has veto power over that decision (the person with the uterus). If I was the person with the penis, I would probably be even more concerned about my partner's opinion.

All that being said, it sounds to me like you're not compatible in fundamental ways. And truthfully, if you want a marriage and family soon, a 48-yo man who has never been married is very unlikely to be a good match for you.

[Tinytears1]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

While the way he worded it was not the best, he's right that it's an important discussion to have. The fact that you are on contraception doesn't diminish the importance of this conversation - for most life-changing events like marriage, death, and having kids, it's basically a case of try for the best outcome but prepare for the worst. It's important for both of you to be on the same page here - and it actually seems to me that you aren't. You were so offended at the thought of him wanting you to have an abortion that you wanted to throw him out... and I suspect he picked up on that and this is affecting his feelings towards your relationship at the moment.

FWIW, I'm a woman and I initiated this conversation with my partner before we started having intercourse. Of course, due to the genders being flipped, the way I worded it was a bit different: "I'm going to have an abortion if I get pregnant, is that something you would have an issue with?" We were using both the pill and the condom, but I still needed to know his thoughts on the matter. If it would be a big issue for him if I got one, then I would have needed to rethink many things. And that is with me being the person who ultimately has veto power over that decision (the person with the uterus). If I was the person with the penis, I would probably be even more concerned about my partner's opinion.

All that being said, it sounds to me like you're not compatible in fundamental ways. And truthfully, if you want a marriage and family soon, a 48-yo man who has never been married is very unlikely to be a good match for you.

I agree

I think it was more to do with the other things I mentioned and this on top which made me more reactive. It was also taken out of context by being in the car driving to an event rather than at home just chatting

[mark clemson]

The turnaround is weird. Just a hunch, but perhaps he is a "game player" and is either messing with your emotions or perhaps trying to keep you around but also "at arm's length". Dunno, just a theory.

He may be the type who just expresses whatever's on his mind right at the moment (to people he considers "intimate partners") but it actually doesn't mean much. IF he's like that, neither the "babies ok" nor the "abort" comment have much bearing on what he actually intends (or doesn't intend) to do.

Per his age, IMO it's unlikely he'd ACTUALLY be up for a new kid, although I suppose one never knows.

[Calmandfocused]

Op I understand you feeling hurt and offended. I would too in your position. 

If I were a 35 year old woman who really really wanted children, and accidentally fell pregnant, there is no way I’d abort. Whether I’d know the guy 5 years, 5 months or 5 minutes. Sorry but that is the truth. 
 

The mere suggestion that I would abort something I really wanted (and have expressed as much) I would see as a major sign of disrespect. That and the fact that he would expect me to conform to his wishes just because that’s his choice and what he wants. 
 

Add to the fact that I’m the one who’s taking all the precautions to ensure pregnancy doesn’t happen. 
 

Cheeky devil! 
 

Anyway, I’ve wondered the same thing; 48, wants kids but never had them. Why is that Op? 

Edited December 6, 2022 by Calmandfocused

[Tinytears1]

2 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op I understand you feeling hurt and offended. I would too in your position. 

If I were a 35 year old woman who really really wanted children, and accidentally fell pregnant, there is no way I’d abort. Whether I’d know the guy 5 years, 5 months or 5 minutes. Sorry but that is the truth. 
 

The mere suggestion that I would abort something I really wanted (and have expressed as much) I would see as a major sign of disrespect. That and the fact that he would expect me to conform to his wishes just because that’s his choice and what he wants. 
 

Add to the fact that I’m the one who’s taking all the precautions to ensure pregnancy doesn’t happen. 
 

Cheeky devil! 
 

Anyway, I’ve wondered the same thing; 48, wants kids but never had them. Why is that Op? 

He said he ‘never met the right woman’ - but I an starting to wonder if he was the problem. You have summarised excatly how I feel/felt. When I am taking two forms of contraception and encouraging him to use condoms during intercourse it was a cheek. 

[Tinytears1]

59 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

The turnaround is weird. Just a hunch, but perhaps he is a "game player" and is either messing with your emotions or perhaps trying to keep you around but also "at arm's length". Dunno, just a theory.

He may be the type who just expresses whatever's on his mind right at the moment (to people he considers "intimate partners") but it actually doesn't mean much. IF he's like that, neither the "babies ok" nor the "abort" comment have much bearing on what he actually intends (or doesn't intend) to do.

Per his age, IMO it's unlikely he'd ACTUALLY be up for a new kid, although I suppose one never knows.

He asked on each and every date including thr first if I wanted children - it wasnt until the fourth where I explained I did but would not want them with a brand new partner did he stop asking. He said he really wanted children and seemed excited he had met someone ‘without any baggage’. (His words - he had dated woman with kids in the past).

 

we had not spoken about it since and I believed we were both on the same page - he knew I always asked him to wear condoms and that I had contraception. We have never had unprotected sex. Driving to the date he said ‘I am just trusting you you have a coil in’ - I said Ok, and the conversation went from there. Totally out of context and in no way in keeping with the conversation we had before. It was so bizarre. He could tell I was very upset by this weird conversation and he said I looked very tearful. He apologised right away with how odd a conversation it was and I said I had not planned a pregnancy but any time soon. I said it was a very odd and intense conversation pre Saturday night date and he agreed - I said I had not changed my mind about anything and I was on the same page. 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's almost the age for grandchildren, so it's unclear why you would date someone13 years older. 

I was thinking the same thing.  Why not date younger men since you want children.

I wonder if this guy was testing you by asking about what would happen in the event of a pregnancy.  Sounds like he's dealt with that before and one of his exes or several got pregnant and he fears being put on child support.  At his age he probably doesn't want to pay child support for the next 18-22 years.  Saying women with kids come with baggage tells me he again is protecting his money and doesn't want to help a woman financially if she needs it.

[Els]

23 minutes ago, Tinytears1 said:

we had not spoken about it since and I believed we were both on the same page - he knew I always asked him to wear condoms and that I had contraception. We have never had unprotected sex. Driving to the date he said ‘I am just trusting you you have a coil in’ - I said Ok, and the conversation went from there. Totally out of context and in no way in keeping with the conversation we had before. It was so bizarre.

__

pre Saturday night date

I agree that this was really quite a strange way and time of bringing it up. Is he generally that socially awkward in other conversations, or is it just this one?

35 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

If I were a 35 year old woman who really really wanted children, and accidentally fell pregnant, there is no way I’d abort. Whether I’d know the guy 5 years, 5 months or 5 minutes. Sorry but that is the truth. 

It's fine if this is what you (or the OP) would do, but that's the whole point of having a conversation about it - so that the other person knows and can make an informed decision.

[Tinytears1]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I was thinking the same thing.  Why not date younger men since you want children.

I wonder if this guy was testing you by asking about what would happen in the event of a pregnancy.  Sounds like he's dealt with that before and one of his exes or several got pregnant and he fears being put on child support.  At his age he probably doesn't want to pay child support for the next 18-22 years.  Saying women with kids come with baggage tells me he again is protecting his money and doesn't want to help a woman financially if she needs it.

I earn twice as much as him and I have more in my pension than him - despite him being a man who is 13 years older. He knows I do not need him for money.

[stillafool]

Just now, Tinytears1 said:

I earn twice as much as him and I have more in my pension than him - despite him being a man who is 13 years older. He knows I do not need him for money.

It's not about what you need.  If he has a child by you whether married to you or not the child deserves support from him.  Are you saying if you get pregnant he's free to walk away and not have to support the child?

[Tinytears1]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It's not about what you need.  If he has a child by you whether married to you or not the child deserves support from him.  Are you saying if you get pregnant he's free to walk away and not have to support the child?

If I had with a child with anyone and they had the audacity to walk away I would not want a penny from them

[poppyfields]

OP, I think it's possible that through your behavior and  communications, he sensed that despite your claim that you were using proper contraception, you were nevertheless keen on getting pregnant, which from reading your posts and your sensitivity about it, may not be too far from the truth.

I say that because speaking for myself (when single and NOT wanting to get pregnant) and other women I know, him broaching the subject of abortion and confirming that you are effectively protected again pregnancy (i.e. asking you about the coil) would not trouble me at all.

It's the responsible thing to do, especially if he got the vibe that you would have welcomed a pregnancy, which you have admitted you would.

It does NOT mean he doesn't want kids in the future, he may very well want kids in the future with the "right" woman, but heck it's only been 10 weeks. 

Most responsible mature people would feel the same way.

Looking at it from HIS perspective, he was being self-protective and responsible based on the vibe you were projecting to him that you would welcome a pregnancy, which again based on your posts on this thread, doesn't seem that far from the truth.  He didn't want to risk it.  

He still wants to date you but clearly he's dialing things back.  He may feel you are too intense and he doesn't fully trust you yet.

Something to consider anyway, good luck.

 

 

 

 

Edited December 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[Tinytears1]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

OP, I think it's possible that through your behavior and  communications, he sensed that despite your claim that you were using proper contraception, you were nevertheless keen on getting pregnant, which from reading your posts and your sensitivity about it, may not be too far from the truth.

I say that because speaking for myself (when single and NOT wanting to get pregnant) and other women I know, him broaching the subject of abortion and confirming that you are effectively protected again pregnancy (i.e. asking about the coil) would not trouble me at all.

It's the responsible thing to do, especially if he got the vibe that you would have welcomed a pregnancy, which you have admitted you do.

It does not mean he doesn't want kids in the future, he may very well want kids in the future with the "right" woman, but heck it's only been 10 weeks. 

Most responsible mature people would feel the same way.

Looking at it from HIS perspective, he was being self-protective and responsible based on the vibe you were projecting to him that you would welcome a pregnancy, which again based on your posts on this thread, doesn't seem that far from the truth.  He didn't want to risk it.

He still wants to date you but clearly he's dialing everything back.  He may feel you are too intense and he doesn't fully trust you yet.

Something to consider anyway, good luck.

 

 

 

 

Trust is earned over time - I do get it

[stillafool]

Just now, Tinytears1 said:

If I had with a child with anyone and they had the audacity to walk away I would not want a penny from them

I can understand that; but the child may feel different, they may want a father in their life.

[Tinytears1]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

OP, I think it's possible that through your behavior and  communications, he sensed that despite your claim that you were using proper contraception, you were nevertheless keen on getting pregnant, which from reading your posts and your sensitivity about it, may not be too far from the truth.

I say that because speaking for myself (when single and NOT wanting to get pregnant) and other women I know, him broaching the subject of abortion and confirming that you are effectively protected again pregnancy (i.e. asking about the coil) would not trouble me at all.

It's the responsible thing to do, especially if he got the vibe that you would have welcomed a pregnancy, which you have admitted you do.

It does not mean he doesn't want kids in the future, he may very well want kids in the future with the "right" woman, but heck it's only been 10 weeks. 

Most responsible mature people would feel the same way.

Looking at it from HIS perspective, he was being self-protective and responsible based on the vibe you were projecting to him that you would welcome a pregnancy, which again based on your posts on this thread, doesn't seem that far from the truth.  He didn't want to risk it.

He still wants to date you but clearly he's dialing everything back.  He may feel you are too intense and he doesn't fully trust you yet.

Something to consider anyway, good luck.

 

 

 

 

I was asking HIM to put a condom on during each episode of intercourse. So not sure where he got the idea I could fall pregnant - unless he thinks I am Mary.

[Tinytears1]

Just now, stillafool said:

I can understand that; but the child may feel different, they may want a father in their life.

He could be a father but I would not take any money from him.