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Odd comment regarding abortion

Tinytears1

By Tinytears1
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Tinytears1 Member

Tinytears1

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TW

 

I have been dating a 48/M 2/3 months - he is never married and no children.

I am 35/F professional female; made it clear I am looking to settle down and start a family. We have been having intercourse since week 4/5.

at the weekend we had a date night and on the ride there he brought up my contraception (coil and I also use pill for my skin and insist on condom use as he is a new partner - I am making a point that the chances of an unplanned pregnancy are low). He said if I was to fall pregnant at the moment anyway he would expect we would be in the same page with abortion.

 

I was so shocked by this conversation as it was so out of context and emotional that I almost burst into tears in the car. He recognised this and apologised quickly. The date night went as per previous but now this week I am finding it quite hard to shake his comments. It really upset me at the time and I wish now I had acted differently - I was just caught off guard given the context of the date. I now wished I had threw him out my car and drove off. 
 

any thoughts on this? Am I over reacting?

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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What upset you about it, exactly?

Are you anti-abortion, or are you upset that he wouldn’t want to have a child together at the point?

Keep in mind that you’ve been dating a very short time, so i don’t think it’s unreasonable that he wouldn’t be keen to have a family yet. He’s also already 48 years old. Does he even want kids? He may be past that point and not wanting to have a baby when he’s already near 50. You two need to have an honest talk about your respective future goals. If you want children and he does not, it’s better that you know this now so you can respectfully part ways.

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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53 minutes ago, Tinytears1 said:

 He said if I was to fall pregnant at the moment anyway he would expect we would be in the same page with abortion.

Sorry this happened. Discussing contraception and protection is appropriate once you two are sexual.

You've only been dating 10 weeks or so. You two were discussing contraception and with the brief time you know each other his comment was not unusual.

Why did the comment upset you? That he thought you would entrap him?  It may have come from his past, meaning he's been in an unplanned pregnancy situation and there was an issue.

10 weeks is not the time to discuss starting a family. Especially when there seems to be some incompatibilities to observe as far as communication and values.

Particularly if bringing up contraception and family planning was enough to make you want to "throw him out of your car and drive off". 

Why were you so upset about the comment? Do you two have different views on the topic?  People do need to have honest communication, even if just to find out where the other stands on situations that may affect both.

 

Acacia98 Established Member

Acacia98

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The way he worded it was definitely callous. He could have asked you what you would do if you fell pregnant in the near future and listened to your response. It's a sensitive subject. You don't know what his experience has been and he doesn't know what yours has been. So some care needs to be put into how it's discussed. 

Anyway, considering how strongly you reacted to his comment, I would say your views on the subject are likely to be incompatible or something about his callousness really got to you. Don't second-guess yourself now and say you should have thrown him out of the car. It is enough to simply stop seeing him going forward.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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His words were poorly chosen, but the conversation is an important one.   Are the two of you on the same page?

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Tinytears1 Member

Tinytears1

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He told me he really wanted to have children on the fourth date - without me bringing it up. He said he really wanted to have children. I said I do too and he looked happy. 
 

then this conversation happened so I feel very unsettled by it. I felt we were both on the same page but it feels like we are obviously not.

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Tinytears1 Member

Tinytears1

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1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What upset you about it, exactly?

Are you anti-abortion, or are you upset that he wouldn’t want to have a child together at the point?

Keep in mind that you’ve been dating a very short time, so i don’t think it’s unreasonable that he wouldn’t be keen to have a family yet. He’s also already 48 years old. Does he even want kids? He may be past that point and not wanting to have a baby when he’s already near 50. You two need to have an honest talk about your respective future goals. If you want children and he does not, it’s better that you know this now so you can respectfully part ways.

What upset me is that he had initially asked me several times if I wanted children and said he really wanted them. This felt like he had totally changed his mind.

 

He noticed how upset I was immediately and apologised. 

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Tinytears1 Member

Tinytears1

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Discussing contraception and protection is appropriate once you two are sexual.

You've only been dating 10 weeks or so. You two were discussing contraception and with the brief time you know each other his comment was not unusual.

Why did the comment upset you? That he thought you would entrap him?  It may have come from his past, meaning he's been in an unplanned pregnancy situation and there was an issue.

10 weeks is not the time to discuss starting a family. Especially when there seems to be some incompatibilities to observe as far as communication and values.

Particularly if bringing up contraception and family planning was enough to make you want to "throw him out of your car and drive off". 

Why were you so upset about the comment? Do you two have different views on the topic?  People do need to have honest communication, even if just to find out where the other stands on situations that may affect both.

 

He brought up initially having a family. I did not not. He said he really wanted to have children and a family. It appears he does but probably not with me.

IrinaM Established Member

IrinaM

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i would be furious if a man i was having sexual intercourse with announced to me that he thought i'd be cool with having an abortion. 

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Tinytears1 Member

Tinytears1

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Just now, IrinaM said:

i would be furious if a man i was having sexual intercourse with announced to me that he thought i'd be cool with having an abortion. 

Yep. I am. The more I think about it the worse it gets. Particularly as I do take huge steps to prevent this.

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FMW Established Member

FMW

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15 minutes ago, Tinytears1 said:

He brought up initially having a family. I did not not. He said he really wanted to have children and a family. It appears he does but probably not with me.

Or at least not right now when you're just getting to know each other.  If you've lost all interest in him, then stop seeing him.  Otherwise, ask him to clarify his position.  

 

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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29 minutes ago, Tinytears1 said:

 He said he really wanted to have children and a family. It appears he does but probably not with me.

He may have meant one day, not at 10 weeks dating. It's prudent to discuss contraception and alternatives. 

Personally if you can't have serious discussions without wanting to throw people out of your car and drive off, it seems that what was a logical conversation at this point in dating, hit a raw nerve. Perhaps reflect on that.

It's not appropriate to start a family with someone you know maybe 100 days.

Keep in mind that you're just dating so if someone says they want marriage/family one day is a general statement and of course not targeted to someone they barely know.

Reflect on why this conversation hit a raw nerve, especially since many women would in fact not keep an unplanned pregnancy that occurred with someone they know a few weeks. 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Tinytears1 Member

Tinytears1

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4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He may have meant one day, not at 10 weeks dating. It's prudent to discuss contraception and alternatives. 

Personally if you can't have serious discussions without wanting to throw people out of your car and drive off, it seems that what was a logical conversation at this point in dating, hit a raw nerve. Perhaps reflect on that.

It's not appropriate to start a family with someone you know maybe 100 days.

Keep in mind that you're just dating so if someone says they want marriage/family one day is a general statement and of course not targeted to someone they barely know.

Reflect on why this conversation hit a raw nerve, especially since many women would in fact not keep an unplanned pregnancy that occurred with someone they know a few weeks. 

I know it is not appropriate to have a baby with someone I have only met and I have told him the same.

 

it was the assumption that if contraceptive failure occurred I was breezily have an abortion - considering I am already on three forms of contraception it seemed to be blaze and insensitive.

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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12 minutes ago, Tinytears1 said:

it was the assumption that if contraceptive failure occurred I was breezily have an abortion - 

Well there's only two alternatives if there were contraception failure. Neither of which is "breezy". That would be being a single parent to a child from a stranger or using emergency contraception/termination.

But something else is at play that made you so furious you were willing to eject him from your car in the middle of nowhere and drive off. This intense anger may be more important to reflect on than whether you want a child with a stranger or not.

If you feel he's insensitive in general, end it. Also try not to jump in emotionally, physically or otherwise so soon and get this overinvested.

You seem hurt and angry a bit beyond a "just in case.. are we on the same page?"  conversation.

Perhaps you two are incompatible and this was the last straw?

Edited by Wiseman2
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Tinytears1 Member

Tinytears1

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8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well there's only two alternatives if there were contraception failure. Neither of which is "breezy". That would be being a single parent to a child from a stranger or using emergency contraception/termination.

But something else is at play that made you so furious you were willing to eject him from your car in the middle of nowhere. This intense anger may be more important to reflect on than whether you want a child with a stranger or not.

If you feel he's insensitive in general, end it. Also try not to jump in emotionally, physically or otherwise so soon and get this overinvested.

Yes - the fact he went on and on about wanting a child in early dating and now he appears to have changed his mind and ‘does not think he will ever get married’.

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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1 minute ago, Tinytears1 said:

Yes - the fact he went on and on about wanting a child in early dating and now he appears to have changed his mind and ‘does not think he will ever get married’.

So even though you barely know each other you feel it's a rejection or a bait and switch? He never promised to marry or have a family with you specifically.  Reflect if your age may be influencing the need to secure someone who is onboard with having children asap. Perhaps you feel he's wasting your time?

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Tinytears1 Member

Tinytears1

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12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So even though you barely know each other you feel it's a rejection or a bait and switch? He never promised to marry or have a family with you specifically.  Reflect if your age may be influencing the need to secure someone who is onboard with having children asap. Perhaps you feel he's wasting your time?

Yep I feel like he is wasting my time. He was the one who brought up wanting children several times before I laid my cards out - I then said I would not consider having a child without knowing someone for a longer time. He then randomly brings this up driving to dinner on Saturday night.

 

past couple of weeks he cancelled plans with me also, then last night said he was ‘too tired to chat’. He has also not wanted to have sex past couple of weekends. All in all I feel he is loosing interest. He keeps constantly texting me. So it does not add up. He said on Saturday he sees me ‘as his long term’.

 

I am a bit confused now and feel insecure. 

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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10 minutes ago, Tinytears1 said:

Yep I feel like he is wasting my time. All in all I feel he is loosing interest. 

Perhaps it's best to cut your losses. He seems to be confusing you and causing headaches you don't need.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I don’t think he ever indicated he wanted kids right away though, did he?

I don’t get the impression he’s changed his mind, necessarily. There’s a big difference between starting a family together after you’ve established a solid  relationship, and getting pregnant in the very early stages of dating. I’m a woman too and I get where he’s coming from,  even if he could have approached this subject more delicately. 

However, it also seems there is a lot more to your current upset and hurt than just this one conversation. You’ve noticed him pulling back and it’s worth having a talk about whether you’re both still wanting the same things out of this. 

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glows Established Member

glows

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1 hour ago, Tinytears1 said:

past couple of weeks he cancelled plans with me also, then last night said he was ‘too tired to chat’. He has also not wanted to have sex past couple of weekends. All in all I feel he is loosing interest. He keeps constantly texting me. So it does not add up. He said on Saturday he sees me ‘as his long term’.

I am a bit confused now and feel insecure. 

Someone who is interested in you and wants to be with you for the long term will be very in tune with your emotions and the way you feel. None of this would be happening. He’d be more aware of your discomfort than ever and have apologized lightyears ago instead of cancelling plans with you and citing he’s too tired to chat. Guess what if he’s a dad? Do you think tired is ever an excuse? No. 

You’re not on the same page and it’s more likely he’s plain emotionally immature and not the one you’re looking for. 

The plus now is that you’re more aware of where you stand in terms of your dates, what you prefer or look for in a partner. Don’t be discouraged.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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 I'm a woman and his comment wouldn't have upset me but given us both a chance to discuss what we both expected if I were to get pregnant during our short period of dating.  Most people want to be in love and married before starting a family.  Or at least in love and in a serious relationship with a partner they plan to be with for life.  I don't think after just daing someone for a couple of months is enough time to know if that is your person or not.  Yes some people do fall in love immediately and it happens but that's rare.   Still, I don't see anything wrong with him stating that he wants children one day; but he didn't say he wanted them with you.  He just want kids one day.

introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

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2 hours ago, Tinytears1 said:

Yes - the fact he went on and on about wanting a child in early dating and now he appears to have changed his mind and ‘does not think he will ever get married’.

It sounds like he was/is open to the idea of marriage and children at some point but has decided, after dating you for a while, that he does not want this future with you specifically. I am sure that stings, but it is better to know. 

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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5 hours ago, Tinytears1 said:

TW

I have been dating a 48/M - he is never married and no children.

He doesn't seem like the marriage and family type if he's middle aged and never done that. He's almost the age for grandchildren, so it's unclear why you would date someone13 years older. 

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's almost the age for grandchildren, so it's unclear why you would date someone13 years older. 

I was thinking the same thing.  Why not date younger men since you want children.

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Tinytears1 Member

Tinytears1

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1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

 

It sounds like he was/is open to the idea of marriage and children at some point but has decided, after dating you for a while, that he does not want this future with you specifically. I am sure that stings, but it is better to know. 

Thanks this is how i feel about it

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