Haven't dated in years, am I over thinking?

[JB2022]

To keep the story brief and to the point, I haven't dated in 6 years, I didn't have much experience in it before, not on a mature thoughtful level anyway.

I met a lady we are both in our 40s, she's been previously married with no children, I have never been married but have one child, we met on a dating app, and instantly hit it off straight away, lots of sexual chemistry, flirting etc

Anyway, within days we organised our first date, it was short and sweet and the chatting was flowy, we had plenty of topics to discuss.

During the date some topics she said that we will discuss in the future in detail and we'll have plenty of time for it.

So as the date came to an end, I was thinking, " do I ask her for another date now, do I ask did she like her time etc " and before I could decide she asked me would I like to see her again, which I replied "absolutely"

So we went for the hug and kiss on the cheek, I had no other intention as I was thinking maybe it's to much on a first quick date.

And as we embraced and I went to kiss her cheek she turned and kissed me on the lips, just a peck, but it felt great , I'm over the moon about it tbh.

So I messaged her to tell her I enjoyed my time and look forward to seeing her again which she replied along the same lines with the xxx's 

Anyway I know she had a busy day after that so in the night I messaged her " I hope you had a good evening" which she replied and said she did and she was shattered, so I sent a good night basic message and left it at that and went to bed myself .

The reason I'm posting is because in the morning she seen the msg and blue ticks came up on wats app. Now I'm wandering isn't that the time to say good morning? I just found it a bit strange there was no repsonce.

I haven't sent another message, and I'm keeping in mind she is a very successful woman with a very good career. She is always in business meetings and commuting to different cities, she also volunteers as a mentor and helps people who are going through a situation she has been through in life and overcome.

Now me... I've been unsuccessful in my main career and hit rock bottom, I basically own nothing, I don't even drive at the moment. Most of this is not because of lack of effort, but the career I was in and obstacles that have kept popping up, I haven't just given up though, I'm retraining in a high paid big demand growing sector that is future proof, so it's not like I'm some bum who's given up with no hope, I have a great future ahead.

Im not interested in her money, I genuinely want to see where this goes with her, as I want to make my own security and not rely on anyone else. I'm genuinely attracted to her physically and mentally, but I can't help feel maybe she's not messaged me back because she's contemplated my situation, financially, lack of success wise and changed her mind, she did not seem judgemental at all and had to start from nothing herself, so she does understand that. 

Am I over thinking this, is it common place for long delays between messages, blue ticks etc. ( I think these blue ticks are a curse personally)

Do I need to relax and just be patient, or should I send her a good morning text tomorrow to let her know I'm thinking of her, I absolutely do not want to come across needy or desperate, which I am not. Or do I wait until she texts me, maybe she just doesn't have time being a high achiever?

I walked away from a very attractive younger 25 year old last week who was offering it on a plate, however because she didn't value me, was rude, has some abusive traits and a few other red flags I walked away. So I'm not coming from a place of neediness, it's more a lack of belief in myself and negative thought pattern.

Even during the date she offered to help me move forward with my new career path, CVS, connections, advice etc, I didn't speak in a depressive way about it, she was asking about me and I didn't want to lie so I was honest with her.

Now surely, her offering this help, telling me she enjoyed the date, bringing about the kiss on the lips initiated by her. And a message after saying she enjoyed her time with me, this wouldn't happen for no reason unless she was interested would it.... I'm over thinking aren't I? 

I really want to make a go of this to see where it leads so I don't want to put my foot in the wrong place.

I maybe just need someone to ground my thoughts, as my logical brain is saying she's very busy, some people don't text constantly or reply instantly and I need to just be patient.... I still want to send a good morning text and let her know I'm thinking of her though, or should I wait till she messages me? I don't want to play any text games, but if I really should wait I will.

Edited December 6, 2022 by JB2022
Grammar

[basil67]

Yep, you're really rushing things and sounding terribly anxious.  

My read is that she's likely interested in seeing you again, but making it clear that she doesn't want to be text tethered to you.  Again guessing, but her reply that she was 'looking forward to seeing you again xxx' would have been the end of a conversation.  The next conversation with her would have involved lining up the next date.   

May I ask how you'll go about dating her if you have nothing to your name?   Not that I am a proponent of men paying for all the dates, but you'd want to be able to pay for at least half without going into debt.  Do you have good public transport where you are so that you could get to venues or her home?

[JB2022]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yep, you're really rushing things and sounding terribly anxious.  

My read is that she's likely interested in seeing you again, but making it clear that she doesn't want to be text tethered to you.  Again guessing, but her reply that she was 'looking forward to seeing you again xxx' would have been the end of a conversation.  The next conversation with her would have involved lining up the next date.   

May I ask how you'll go about dating her if you have nothing to your name?   Not that I am a proponent of men paying for all the dates, but you'd want to be able to pay for at least half without going into debt.  Do you have good public transport where you are so that you could get to venues or her home?

Yes i am anxious you could say.Ive not done this in a while and want to read things right

I work part time and can afford to go on dates, i sold the car to commute on a high powered ebike to save money and for traffic reasons to get to study. She knows this and is how i met her,  i can keep up with cars on it, so commuting isnt an issue

When i say nothing to my name i mean as in she is successful and I am not.And maybe this could be a factor.

Well I went ahead and sent a simple morning have a great day text... i don't want to have massive long drawn out texts, id prefer to talk and better meet so we dont burn out things . Anyway im leaving it at that now. If texting morning was a bad thing, i dont know. I wanted to see what peoples thoughts on it were before i done so, but the morning is here so I done it. 

If i get no response after this one, ill delete and move on.

[ZA Dater]

I think what you describe here is a fundamental issue of dating and that being communication coupled with interpretation. Reading your post the nervousness was tangible, its very difficult to be in your position because I can relate, you think you have found someone really great but also do no want to mess things up.

My advice is reduce texting a bit and see what happens, arrange the second date and see how that goes, my experience is the second date is probably where you get more an idea as to whether you want to actually date the person. Chances are she sped things up with the kiss but is now slowing things down again, roll with this.

I think its difficult to interpret people on date 1 because you have no real reference, the red carpet normally gets rolled out and the best foot put forward but ask yourself what a normal day is like.

As hard as it is...try not to overthink!

[basil67]

I don’t know....some will say that if she’s keen, some goodnight and good morning texts wouldn’t scare her off.  But I thInk it could also be argued that she may see you as being clingy sending them after only one date. Especially sending the second one after she didn’t answer the first.

Only time will tell the outcome, but don’t rush into deleting her.  If you can cool your heels a little, something good may still come of it

[FMW]

She asked you on the date if you wanted to see her again.  She kissed you on the lips.  You're not teenagers, so my guess is she probably didn't respond because she had already responded to your previous text and now is waiting for you to ask her out, not just exchange another text. A busy career woman is probably not going to be interested in text conversations that aren't going anywhere. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, JB2022 said:

If i get no response after this one, ill delete and move on.

One and done dates and more common than not. You two seem mismatched and at this stage of course you are still talking to and meeting others.

If you don't hear back from her, just let it go and move forward.

Edited December 6, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

Have you asked her out on a second date? If you haven’t now would be the time. 

Please don’t focus on good morning and good evening texts. Unless I know the person very well, in a relationship, a friend or family relative those types of messages always feel forced and completely fake. You both have only met once. Try not to make this more than what it is. Ask her out on a second date. 

In regards to your career, it’s too soon to tell whether she is fazed or not or has any opinion. She may not have any opinion about you except that she doesn’t know you enough and you did say you’d like to see her again. Don’t overthink this. Ask her out and see where it leads.

[introverted1]

7 hours ago, JB2022 said:

Well I went ahead and sent a simple morning have a great day text.

As a woman, I really dislike these texts. What can I say other than "You, too"?  And how boring is that?  It's a way to kill the great connection you experienced on the date...  or at least to throw water on it.

You've had one date and she made it clear she would like there to be a second date.  So get to arranging that second date, assuming you also want one. 

[JB2022]

Thank you all for your input. It's appreciated and much needed.

So being that she hasn't responded which possibly could be being busy, should I still send her a msg or call her tonight to arrange a second date? Or has this opportunity passed now she hasn't responded, surely another text now without her responding to the others would make me look needy? 

I can't help feel that if someone is interested in someone they will at least reply, everyone has a few seconds spare. Im not after a big long text session, the basis of me texting was to initiate another date, but I didn't think that would have to be done without a warm up and quick text to bring it up. I didn't get the opportunity.

Something doesn't feel right. I'll either try to arrange another date or I will delete her number and won't contact her again unless she contacts me. 

The later is more what I'm feeling now. She could just tell me she's changed her mind, were not compatible etc and I would leave it at that with no bad feeling, but I feel left in limbo atm, going from her initiating everything to silence for two days... Me personally when Im interested in someone I will always have a spare moment at some point to reply. Yes it's only one date, but I've got some contrasting mixed signals here that are confusing me.

Should I initiate another date... Or just leave it to see if she messages me at all. 

I feel another text or a call without her acknowledging my previous texts is not a good move. This is way more awkward than it need so be.

All I'm after is clear communication. I can only take this now as she has got cold feet, something happened to change her mind about me over night.

 

[introverted1]

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

[JB2022]

35 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Yes you are right, if I don't try I'll never know, I think I will wait till after 6, them that way it gives her time to reply in case she is busy... No one's that busy though.

I'm just going to keep it simple, ask her how she is and ask when is she free again, and that I'd like to continue getting to know her. 

I feel so at unease now I've been ignored. Maybe another text would be the nail in the coffin, but I guess I got to be in it to win it. 

Surely she's conscious that leaving me in blue ticks is going to make me wonder after how the date went and what was said etc I wish she'd just tell me she's busy or not interested, it's not that hard. I feel like this is being made more awkward than it needs to be.

 

Edit:

I done it. I just said hi, let me know when you are free so I can give you a quick call and arrange another date if you would still like to.

That's it.... If she says yes all is good , if she says no or ignores me again I move on and pursue someone else.

Edited December 6, 2022 by JB2022
Added an update

[JB2022]

Blue ticks again... Yep, something clicked in her mind that night after the date, I can only take this as not interested, there is always time for a quick reply.

Thanks for your help guys. But I know where I stand now. I just wish she said she's not interested or blocked me instead of being left on ticks, I wouldn't have said anything bad if she said she's not feeling it, I would have wished her well and appreciated her clarity.

I wish her the best.

Gonna give dating a break for a while until I finish training in my new career, moments like this are not good for my self esteem after what I've already come through, this just tells me I have a long way to work on myself.

[glows]

You asked and realized you wish to pursue work on yourself. I agree with you it’s best to focus on your career. I don’t think this is a terrible loss and you’re free to move forwards and pursue what you want instead of playing any guessing games or thinking what if if you hadn’t asked her out a second time.

When you look back on this moment with your future self I hope you also look on with some compassion for yourself. We take chances and if things don’t work out, we try something else. Wishing you all the best with your pursuits.
 

[Lotsgoingon]

Let''s get you educated here. There is no such thing as being too busy to respond to a romantic interest. No. Such. Thing.

In the era of texting, replying takes 30 secs. 

Took me a while to learn what I'm telling you here. But think about it: have you ever "forgotten" to contact a woman you were interested in? Ever? No!

So the only way to interpret lack of response is lack of interest. Period. Or a chaotic life--in which case you don't want to date them anyway. A crack addict (and I know people who were addicted to crack at one point) may not respond to you. 

If you encounter someone who is really working 30 hours on an emergency project, even then a person worth dating will tell you "I'm working 30 hours straight. Can't talk. Will contact you after this is over and I recover." 

This truth simplifies things. Because you do not have to ever reach out again if you don't hear back.  If they don't respond, you relax. Move on to next possible interest. People are obsessed with romance. Obsessed. People have been dreaming of romance since teenage years. She knows you exist. Any lack of contact is deliberate. Which does not mean you have failed in any way. Just move on. 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, JB2022 said:

Gonna give dating a break for a while until I finish training in my new career.

That's ok. You weren't compatible and the dates sounded more like meetings with a social worker and getting help with finances and employment and cvs, etc.

Actually social services could help you with career training, financial assistance, food assistance and mental and physical healthcare. That may be a better place to investigate now than dating apps.

 

[Acacia98]

16 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

This truth simplifies things. Because you do not have to ever reach out again if you don't hear back.  If they don't respond, you relax. Move on to next possible interest. People are obsessed with romance. Obsessed. People have been dreaming of romance since teenage years. She knows you exist. Any lack of contact is deliberate. Which does not mean you have failed in any way. Just move on. 

I agree with you.

I would have stopped at the first instance of blue ticks. I recognize some people find small talk ("Good morning") irritating at such an early stage and would not respond. But that's okay because we definitely would not be compatible. Communication and basic good manners matter to me. So I'd be quite happy to let them go.

@OP, it's okay to decide you're not ready for this dating thing. Take the time to focus on your life. And when you're ready to date, consider dating women who are at more or less the same place in life as you. I got the impression that you felt out of your depth with this particular woman. And that probably triggered your anxiety and worst insecurities.

[Mrin]

OP: this is what is known as ghosting. It is rude and awful. I'm sorry you're going through it.

If it is any consolation - I suspect you were committeed. Meaning she was into you during the date but later, when talking to friends about you, she had a change of heart. It sucks but then again, you probably dodged a bullet. 

Best of luck!

Mrin

Edited December 9, 2022 by Mrin

[JB2022]

On 12/7/2022 at 10:11 AM, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. You weren't compatible and the dates sounded more like meetings with a social worker and getting help with finances and employment and cvs, etc.

Actually social services could help you with career training, financial assistance, food assistance and mental and physical healthcare. That may be a better place to investigate now than dating apps.

 

All Is good... Second date planned. She doesn't like texting.... Social worker, cus I briefly mentioned my position so I don't lie? 

Not interested in snarky replies

[JB2022]

6 hours ago, Mrin said:

OP: this is what is known as ghosting. It is rude and awful. I'm sorry you're going through it.

If it is any consolation - I suspect you were committeed. Meaning she was into you during the date but later, when talking to friends about you, she had a change of heart. It sucks but then again, you probably dodged a bullet. 

Best of luck!

Mrin

Hi, yes it did feel bad, she apologized and said she doesn't like to text, she was away working . We've arranged the second date this weekend, she said she does want to know me more. 

But I'm gonna slow it down and not let myself think to far ahead, I think because I have been single a while I'm getting too anxious, thankyou for your kind words !

[JB2022]

On 12/7/2022 at 1:42 AM, glows said:

You asked and realized you wish to pursue work on yourself. I agree with you it’s best to focus on your career. I don’t think this is a terrible loss and you’re free to move forwards and pursue what you want instead of playing any guessing games or thinking what if if you hadn’t asked her out a second time.

When you look back on this moment with your future self I hope you also look on with some compassion for yourself. We take chances and if things don’t work out, we try something else. Wishing you all the best with your pursuits.
 

Things have took a turn in a good direction, but I'm not going to get worked up about it anymore, you're right, I should be focussing more on me, I let this get to my head to much and to soon, I think my issue is more how I see myself than how she sees me, as I have no actual feelings for her. It does show I need more work though, as I shouldn't be getting worked up over something so small.

[BreakOnThrough]

I'm surprised she reached out, so that is positive.  Just go with the flow and don't try and analyze everything, you can't control anyone except yourself so spend your energy on that.

[Mrin]

4 hours ago, JB2022 said:

Things have took a turn in a good direction, but I'm not going to get worked up about it anymore, you're right, I should be focussing more on me, I let this get to my head to much and to soon, I think my issue is more how I see myself than how she sees me, as I have no actual feelings for her. It does show I need more work though, as I shouldn't be getting worked up over something so small.

That's good to hear. Idea to try on: early on when I am dating a woman with whom I'm vibing, I will schedule the next date before the end of the current date. Granted it is a gut call as to whether or not it's appropriate to do but I've been told by several women that I've dated that they found this to be novel and extremely welcome. They gave two reasons: 1) It took the uncertainty out of the equation and 2) It allowed them to schedule their time confidently rather than trying to keep "prime dating days/hours" open In the hopes that I would ask them out again. 

Best of luck!

Mrin