Ex doesn't want to get back together

[Roleswitched]

Hey guys, I am looking for some input and expertise on my situation and what my ex meant when I talked to her about getting back together. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. We've been broken up for over a year and likely she has just moved on but there's a few things here that make me a bit confused. I really apologize for how long this is. Will have a tl;dr at the bottom. 

Ex (31) and I (28M) dated for 3 years. We had a lot of communication issues that led to some toxic dynamics. I felt defeated and didn't know what to do so I eventually called it quits. My ex wanted to keep working on the relationship but i simply couldn't see a way forward. We ended up parting ways. Then we didn't really talk for a few months. In that time I tried to process the break up but i kept thinking of getting back together. Then I saw my ex started dating again. I felt that it was truly over. But a month later, all of a sudden she reached out to me. turns out it was a rebound. We kept in touch in a friendly way, 

I spent the last year doing a lot of self-work. I went to therapy, I read a lot of self help books on being a better communicator, being more masculine, and all that. I dated around and met several different women who all gave me more perspective on my needs and what I want. I had some major epiphanies that helped me see I was a big part of the problems and was now much better equipped to handle the situation. I also learned my childhood traumas have influenced me to act in certain unhealthy ways as well as have a ton of anxiety whenever it came to commitments or intimacy. I finally felt ready to tackle everything I saw as the problem. I let go of my ex's past transgressions, I recognized my flaws and I can now talk to through the pain that would occur whenever my ex had reached out to see if I wanted to get back together. I also was ready to take this to the end (I was ready for full commitment). 

Problem is it seems my ex has completely moved on. Since about 5 months ago I noticed she became more distant. I ended up reaching out and I found she was dating someone. I eventually ended up telling her everything I learned. She was taken aback and said she really didn't know what to say. She wanted some time to think. I gave her her space. Eventually, she reached out to me after 2 weeks to meet up. I was excited to finally hear from her. But then all of a sudden changes her plans and asks to meet the following Wednesday because she is receiving a package from her family, and they wanted me to have something. I asked why we couldn't do both and she said she has just been feeling very tired and wants to take a rest. This was the beginning of the end for me. I told her to figure out her schedule and we can do another day. 

Since she did try to set a specific alternative date, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and reached out at the end of the week. told her I'd be in her area running errands and can drop by to pick up the package and we can talk which she agreed to. 

I came and we talked. She told me basically that she has done a lot of thinking and thinks she doesn't see us growing together anymore. I asked her to tell me more and she basically feels like she has done as much she could for me to help me grow and that I need to find someone else who can continue to help me grow. She said feeling like she is helping her partner grow is an important need for her. 

being the way I am now, I didn't argue. I first wanted her to know that I respect her decision, I tried to throw a few ideas out there to get her to talk more about why she thinks we cant grow together and she said its hard to describe. I then just assumed this is her way of saying she's lost feelings and doesn't want to be with me. I asked if I got the jist of it and she corrected me saying she still loves me very much but just doesn't see the future because she doesnt know how she can continue to help me improve in life. 
 

I then thought she meant like marriage or the long term, but she said no that's not it. She kept trying to say that she just doesn't feel equipped to help me any further in life. on the surface it sounds like I'm too healthy and competent for her now which is kind of silly so I went back to feelings are gone. I then told her I respect her decision and that I'd like to sing her a song. I used to serenade her every night because I loved singing. She basically coached me from being an awful singer to a somewhat good one so it was something we shared and a great way for me to express myself and cap things off. 

I sang her a really sad song about love and started tearing up. Then she just went full on bawling and hugged me. I was shocked. She held on to me and told me she loves me so much. I then finally heard her say something else. she said she was afraid of getting hurt again. As she kissed me on the cheek, she said she truly still loves me so much (then why can't we be back together?). She also mentioned that she felt she lost her connection to me about 6 months ago when her house was flooded and she stayed with me. We got into an argument and I took it as a sign she didnt change and we will never work out. Turns out I had overreacted and it was much better than it used to be. I shouldn't have said what I said cuz the rest of those 2 weeks were absolute heaven. 

We relaxed and just hung out for a couple more hours. I gave her a hug and put my head on her chest and she let me put my head between her boobs. this caught me by quite the surprise cuz I thought she didnt have feelings for me anymore. I then left her house and basically reiterated that I respect her decision, I still love her and would love to work on things so if she changes her mind, she knows where to find me. I asked if we can have a kiss goodbye and she seemingly happily obliged right on the lips. 

that was yesterday. i am now deep in despair and am really hurting. I am going to give her space and let her come to me for now as most experts tend to recommend (no contact). But i want to know, would anyone be able to help me understand what happened? What does she mean? did she just lose her feelings and shes done? or does she still love me and is just afraid of trying again? do I do anything here? 

tl'dr: 3 year relationship, broke up 1 year ago, i tried to talk to her about getting back together and she said no because she doesnt see her being able to aid in my growth which I dont understand. Also mentioned fear of getting hurt and losing the connection.But she is physically affectionate and seems to still have feelings for me.  What do I do? 

Edited December 5, 2022 by Roleswitched

[glows]

“Aid your growth” in the literal sense holds several red flags, one primarily indicating she’s co-dependent. Not good. Reading between the lines NOT her literal meaning, I think she just doesn’t feel the same way about you.

Note a person can still care for someone very much but see totally no future with that person because the other person is such a poor match. My guess is after all the words, is she doesn’t feel she can grow with you.

It’s a mismatch and she’s not interested. You’re best moving forwards and blocking her contact so you can heal and be with someone else in the future. This one is finished and it’s time to move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

She got caught up in a sad and emotional moment, but it's over. 

It's time to let go, OP. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Roleswitched said:

   3 year relationship, broke up 1 year ago, i tried to talk to her about getting back together and she said no 

Sorry this is happening.  Whatever the reasons you two broke up for are still there. On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with unhealthy attachments and lack of other opportunities.

It seems like you've read some get-your-ex-back material which typically reads like a self-improvement resume.

It's important to be yourself, not what you think she wants. It's also important not to place yourself in the friendzone or beg and plead. Keep in mind that this self-improvement resume is a form of begging.

Use your new found freedom and insight to find someone more compatible.

Exes may seem comfortable like old slippers, but you need the courage to realize this situation is completely worn out.

[Alpacalia]

It's toast. Her attraction to you is lost.

She is becoming a woman and she needs a man, not a boy. In general women want to follow a man and make no decisions at all but they will never admit it or realise it. Tell her that you now understand what needs to be done. Be absolute about what you say, draw your line in life and don't go where trends move you. Don't ask her how to handle your relationship. Move forward.

There is no crime in trying to make things work, or in not being the right person for someone. Yes, it takes work to keep it going, but it won't feel that way. It certainly won’t feel one-sided.

[Calmandfocused]

Op, after all the “growth” you’ve done, you thought the best way forward was to resurrect the past? 
 

That’s not growth, that’s looking in the rear view mirror. In other words; looking backwards. 

Your clue that this wasn’t going to work is when she cancelled on you. This clearly demonstrated her lack of interest to see you. Why did you push it? 
 

Not only that, after she rejects you you start singing to her? What?! Why would you do such a thing? It shows lack of self respect.  Her last memory will be you acting a little desperate (and a bit corny IMO) 

Save your singing for someone you are in a relationship with, and someone who deserves it. Not an ex from a year ago.
 

Let sleeping dogs lie, stop trying to wake the dead and start living. Meet other women. Have a fresh start. 
 

And stop communicating with your ex. 
 

 

[smackie9]

A little too late...in those 3 years you had every opportunity to self improve, and her to evolve herself. But being together never worked. It took a year or so of separation to come ahead....but not to reunite. You live learn and grow. Take all the lessons learned and go forward with someone new. 

[Acacia98]

14 hours ago, Roleswitched said:

I came and we talked. She told me basically that she has done a lot of thinking and thinks she doesn't see us growing together anymore. I asked her to tell me more and she basically feels like she has done as much she could for me to help me grow and that I need to find someone else who can continue to help me grow. She said feeling like she is helping her partner grow is an important need for her. 

being the way I am now, I didn't argue. I first wanted her to know that I respect her decision, I tried to throw a few ideas out there to get her to talk more about why she thinks we cant grow together and she said its hard to describe. I then just assumed this is her way of saying she's lost feelings and doesn't want to be with me. I asked if I got the jist of it and she corrected me saying she still loves me very much but just doesn't see the future because she doesnt know how she can continue to help me improve in life. 
 

I then thought she meant like marriage or the long term, but she said no that's not it. She kept trying to say that she just doesn't feel equipped to help me any further in life. on the surface it sounds like I'm too healthy and competent for her now which is kind of silly so I went back to feelings are gone.

Granted, I don't know you or her personally. But I have no problem taking her explanation at face value.

It is conceivable that the work you did on yourself put you on a different path and that you are now mismatched. She has her own growing to do, and it will probably take her in a different direction. You would do well to stop holding on to the past and to try and use the lessons you learned to do better in future relationships with other people.

Edited December 5, 2022 by Acacia98

[ShyViolet]

She was clear with you that the relationship is over and she isn't getting back together with you.  Over-analyzing it and asking the same questions over and over isn't going to change that.  There is nothing left for you to do but accept this, respect her decision and begin the process of moving on.