Is he interested or not?

[glows]

6 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I'm "wasting" so much time on Guy A because almost all guys I come across are like this in the dating world. If I ruled out every man that behaved like this, I'd never go on a date. I'm just a number. I'm sure they have plenty of other matches on Tinder who they are messaging and making dates with. That's modern dating I guess.

On one hand you're saying that these guys are strangers and I shouldn't be worried about meeting both at the same time, but on the other you're saying that I should be a priority in their lives. It seems like a contradiction.

That’s a good observation as I do agree with you as a lot of people tend to use online dating as an escape. It has never before become so easy for someone going through a myriad of issues and problems, just been through a break up and so on to get online any time/anywhere and mess around with others. I hope you’re not using Tinder exclusively for dates as it’s a hook up app with the potential for more but the individuals there are not looking to stick around. I’d venture to say a good deal aren’t even in the mind frame for anything but window shopping and messing around, may even be attached or in relationships and there just for an adrenaline rush.

There are a plenty who don’t know how to date/not in the right headspace and some who do. The point is not getting caught up spending time on the ones that don’t, have multiple issues, cancel, etc. 

Try a different app, possibly a paid one (not the paid version of Tinder) and see whether you have different luck. When I was dating online I went through many, many profiles (hundreds possibly) and agreed to meet up with only three men. None were flaky, strange, weird. All were employed or self-employed, established, single and decent people. You don’t have to go on dates often to have a good time. Was it a tremendous amount of time going through those profiles? Yes. Not something I enjoy at all but I do empathize with you.

[NuevoYorko]

9 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I'm "wasting" so much time on Guy A because almost all guys I come across are like this in the dating world. If I ruled out every man that behaved like this, I'd never go on a date. I'm just a number. I'm sure they have plenty of other matches on Tinder who they are messaging and making dates with. That's modern dating I guess.

On one hand you're saying that these guys are strangers and I shouldn't be worried about meeting both at the same time, but on the other you're saying that I should be a priority in their lives. It seems like a contradiction.

You evidently did not read what I wrote.  You also don't "read" what guys are showing and telling you.  

Guy A  has made it completely clear to you that he doesn't really care if he ever sees you again, ever.     He doesn't need to to prioritize you in his life beyond making meets / dates happen without the whole texting charade.  You're seriously considering being exclusive with this person, under these circumstances.  That is extremely self-defeating.   

At least do yourself the favor and step back from the flakey guy until / unless he steps up and makes a solid plan to see you.  If / when that happens, do NOT suggest another date, leave it to him.  And quit texting with him.   

Edited December 12, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[lovesfool]

On 12/12/2022 at 9:14 PM, Alpacalia said:

Guy A is someone you have exchanged a few messages with for what, a month now?

In that time he's flaked on you twice and you've had one date.

Plus, he's not just flaky, he is weird.

Are you sure you want to go out with this guy? At this point he has flaked more times than he's kept plans.

His anxious personality will cause you to become anxious. No one should make you so involved in how they’re thinking and feeling that you take on their stress and negative energy. It's wrong and you don't need it.

I've been flaky before, many times. I don't mean anything bad by it, I just find it hard to commit to a date sometimes.

As I say, he doesn't come across as anxious at all. He just said he was nervous, but I felt it was more of a compliment than some kind of issue he has.

On 12/13/2022 at 4:38 AM, NuevoYorko said:

You evidently did not read what I wrote.  You also don't "read" what guys are showing and telling you.  

Guy A  has made it completely clear to you that he doesn't really care if he ever sees you again, ever.     He doesn't need to to prioritize you in his life beyond making meets / dates happen without the whole texting charade.  You're seriously considering being exclusive with this person, under these circumstances.  That is extremely self-defeating.   

At least do yourself the favor and step back from the flakey guy until / unless he steps up and makes a solid plan to see you.  If / when that happens, do NOT suggest another date, leave it to him.  And quit texting with him.   

What you said was "Why are you wasting your time with Guy A.  It seems clear that you are intent on setting yourself up for failure, because this guy is not very interested in you and he is so clearly wasting your time with all the texting.   But you're eating it up with a spoon ... like it really means anything.  It doesn't.  "

I don't see how you could construe that I didn't read it.

[ ] 

Also, the notion of not texting him is impossible. He messages me so I have to message back. I'm not someone that's rude or plays games and ignores him. I even ended a conversation with him yesterday saying that I'll talk to him later in the week as I thought he'd message me all day and wanted to leave a bit of excitement if we meet again, but he messages me again today! It's not me instigating it.

Edited December 13, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[basil67]

48 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I've been flaky before, many times. I don't mean anything bad by it, I just find it hard to commit to a date sometimes.

 

And of these times when you've been flaky, were you really super keen to see them?   I'd be very surprised if you were.

At any rate, whether it's you or them, the fact remains that a person who's flaky doesn't deserve more chances to book a date.  

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

I just find it hard to commit to a date sometimes.

Why? 

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I've been flaky before, many times. I don't mean anything bad by it, I just find it hard to commit to a date sometimes.

Hm.  Well, in this case, you keep suggesting getting together and engaging in the nonstop texting charades, so you don't seem to be having your "flaking" problem with Guy A.  You made it clear in a prior post that you are fine with pursuing guys who show you that they're not interested ... so I'm not sure what kind of help you're wanting here.  The question was: "Is he interested or not."  So far, there has been no sign of interest in anything further than pen pal activities when there's no one he finds more compelling on his radar for the moment.

Clearly, though, you are single and on OLD,  and prepared to make a long term commitment with a guy without taking any time to get to know him.  You're contradicting yourself.  So you appear from my vantage point to be exceptionally keen and overly invested.

Quote

 

Also, the notion of not texting him is impossible. He messages me so I have to message back. I'm not someone that's rude or plays games and ignores him. I even ended a conversation with him yesterday saying that I'll talk to him later in the week as I thought he'd message me all day and wanted to leave a bit of excitement if we meet again, but he messages me again today! It's not me instigating it.

Oh, please.  It's not "impossible" to shut down BS texting.  Most of us have to do it in our lives even with friends.   

Again I will refer you to the title of this thread.  If you were looking for signs of real interest, they are not there.   You seem to be enjoying the penpal thing though, so I guess you'll keep participating in that until he disappears.  I can't relate to this at all,  but since it seems to be fulfilling for you - I guess I'm happy for you. 

 

Edited December 13, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I can't relate to this at all,  but since it seems to be fulfilling for you

It means some people would rather have meaningless messages from someone than none at all.

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I've been flaky before, many times. I don't mean anything bad by it, I just find it hard to commit to a date sometimes.

Okay.

Then it may be the case that his style suits you because it doesn't involve any added pressure on your part because you don't have to feel the need to "commit to a date."

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I've been flaky before, many times. I don't mean anything bad by it, I just find it hard to commit to a date sometimes.

Why not put these two in the "maybe" pile and pursue more mature, reliable and interested men. That way you can free your mind of thinking you have to choose between the lesser of two evils, so to speak.

[lovesfool]

On 12/13/2022 at 8:14 PM, basil67 said:

And of these times when you've been flaky, were you really super keen to see them?   I'd be very surprised if you were.

At any rate, whether it's you or them, the fact remains that a person who's flaky doesn't deserve more chances to book a date.  

I'm rarely super keen to see anyone.

On 12/13/2022 at 8:37 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Why? 

I find it hard to commit to a date because I very rarely feel a strong desire to meet someone. Conversation can be fine, but to decide to actually meet someone seems like a big ask for some reason. Maybe for the fear that it would be a waste of time when I'm not instantly into them.

On 12/13/2022 at 9:54 PM, NuevoYorko said:

Hm.  Well, in this case, you keep suggesting getting together and engaging in the nonstop texting charades, so you don't seem to be having your "flaking" problem with Guy A.  You made it clear in a prior post that you are fine with pursuing guys who show you that they're not interested ... so I'm not sure what kind of help you're wanting here.  The question was: "Is he interested or not."  So far, there has been no sign of interest in anything further than pen pal activities when there's no one he finds more compelling on his radar for the moment.

Clearly, though, you are single and on OLD,  and prepared to make a long term commitment with a guy without taking any time to get to know him.  You're contradicting yourself.  So you appear from my vantage point to be exceptionally keen and overly invested.

Oh, please.  It's not "impossible" to shut down BS texting.  Most of us have to do it in our lives even with friends.   

Again I will refer you to the title of this thread.  If you were looking for signs of real interest, they are not there.   You seem to be enjoying the penpal thing though, so I guess you'll keep participating in that until he disappears.  I can't relate to this at all,  but since it seems to be fulfilling for you - I guess I'm happy for you. 

 

When did I make it clear that I want to pursue guys who are not interested?

Also to say that there are no signs of interest seems very disingenuous. He certainly seems interested in talking. I know I wouldn't waste time messaging someone if I didn't at least enjoy chatting to them.

And where did I say I was prepared to make a long term commitment with this guy?! We went on one date! You're talking as though I've committed to marriage.

I'm clearly not like you in my texting style. I don't end a conversation unless there's a genuine reason to e.g. I'm going to sleep, going to some event where I can't chat etc. There's no way to naturally stop a conversation unless you're interrupted by something.

And I really don't think you're happy for me. Your posts are riddled with negativity towards me and I don't know why. It's like I've rubbed you up the wrong way somehow.

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not put these two in the "maybe" pile and pursue more mature, reliable and interested men. That way you can free your mind of thinking you have to choose between the lesser of two evils, so to speak.

The best I've ever been able to do is "maybes"! Guy B is definitely a write off now though based on what I've since learned about him. I get the impression he's had a troubled upbringing and has a negative attitude to the world in general. This combined with the fact that he seems desperately lonely doesn't bode well. He does have a sweet side, and unfortunately he seems to be falling for me. I feel like I'll have to pull the plug sooner rather than later when I know it's not gong to go anywhere serious.

[glows]

15 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Guy B is definitely a write off now though based on what I've since learned about him. I get the impression he's had a troubled upbringing and has a negative attitude to the world in general. This combined with the fact that he seems desperately lonely doesn't bode well.

It’s good you recognize this but you seem to like the attention. 

Don’t prolong it as it creates worse drama and you may be conflicted the longer you keep him around. Negative attitude is an absolute no. Steer clear of rude, angry, negative people like this. He has to work out his issues on his own and depend less on someone else/dating.

[lovesfool]

1 hour ago, glows said:

It’s good you recognize this but you seem to like the attention. 

Don’t prolong it as it creates worse drama and you may be conflicted the longer you keep him around. Negative attitude is an absolute no. Steer clear of rude, angry, negative people like this. He has to work out his issues on his own and depend less on someone else/dating.

I fully agree with you. I think it's nice to have someone to talk to, but if they're expecting something more then it would be cruel to keep things going. I didn't intend on leading him on, I just gave him a chance with two dates.

I feel bad because I know it will really hurt him. He's told me how lonely he is and that it was nice to have someone to talk to.

[glows]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I feel bad because I know it will really hurt him. He's told me how lonely he is and that it was nice to have someone to talk to.

I wouldn’t read too much into his feelings. Remember it’s everyone’s due diligence being cautious before leaping with both feet in. If he doesn’t have the forethought for that or needs more work on himself that’s on him. 

[NuevoYorko]

8 hours ago, lovesfool said:

 where did I say I was prepared to make a long term commitment with this guy?!

When you were talking about how you are only going to date one person at a time (choosing between these 2 men who you don't know yet) I assumed you were talking about having a committed relationship.  A "face to face" style relationship.

I now think that you aren't even looking for a relationship where two people interact in person, in daily life, though.   You seem quite satisfied to have a texting buddy.

8 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I'm clearly not like you in my texting style. I don't end a conversation unless there's a genuine reason to e.g. I'm going to sleep, going to some event where I can't chat etc. There's no way to naturally stop a conversation unless you're interrupted by something.

Ok.  You are not the "norm" though.   Most people looking for a relationship (in real life, not a "virtual" one) truly don't text all day every day with people they don't know, especially when the person has been clear about lack of interest in anything beyond the penpal thing.   That would be considered a waste of time.

8 hours ago, lovesfool said:

When did I make it clear that I want to pursue guys who are not interested?

Isn't that what you are saying below?  Guy shows low interest, but you're still going to pursue some kind of relationship:

8 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I'm "wasting" so much time on Guy A because almost all guys I come across are like this in the dating world. If I ruled out every man that behaved like this, I'd never go on a date.

 

8 hours ago, lovesfool said:

And I really don't think you're happy for me. Your posts are riddled with negativity towards me and I don't know why. It's like I've rubbed you up the wrong way somehow.

That's fair.  To be honest, I'm not "happy" to see anyone self sabotaging and it's frustrating when someone asks a question:  "Is he interested or not?" and several people give you the same answer with precise examples from your own posts to back it up - but the OP refutes it out of hand  it with, basically, "yes he is."

Why post a question when you truly are not open to anything besides the narrative you are telling yourself?  

It appears to be something along the lines that as long as he's willing to be your texting buddy all day every day, your needs are met and you're happy.  If that's the case, I really am happy for you, and won't keep badgering you as if you were a person who would like to go on dates and maybe move towards marriage or something along those lines, since you aren't.   

 

[lovesfool]

I'm starting to feel foolish now. He cancelled our date AGAIN. I sent him a message saying "are you still okay for our date tomorrow" and he said it completely slipped his mind and he had agreed to work for the day. For me, I always had it in my mind that we were going on a date and was looking forward to it, but it seems like he wasn't thinking about it at all. 

He did seem genuinely apologetic though, and tried to arrange for the evening after work instead. He even admitted to be giving mixed messages by being very chatty over texts but not meeting me. 

He said he'd understand if I'd want to end things now because of how flaky he's been, but he would still really want to meet. 

I'm so confused. I see real potential in this guy, but he just seems to be very casual on meeting for dates. Would it be silly to give him an ultimatum that if he ever cancels a date again then that's it? I'd phrase it better obviously. 

I know objectively I should walk away, but I'm finding it hard when we get on so well and had great chemistry when we met. 

I know I came here asking whether he was interested, but now it seems like I'm asking if I'm a fool for giving him a chance. 

[Weezy1973]

22 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

 

I know I came here asking whether he was interested, but now it seems like I'm asking if I'm a fool for giving him a chance. 

Is he interested? Not very. Are you a fool for giving him a chance? Meh. Not a fool, but I wouldn’t get your hopes up. Do not do the ultimatum thing though. That reeks of desperation. 

[lovesfool]

9 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Is he interested? Not very. Are you a fool for giving him a chance? Meh. Not a fool, but I wouldn’t get your hopes up. Do not do the ultimatum thing though. That reeks of desperation. 

I get what you're saying. I know he was in a long term relationship up until recently so maybe he's not jumping right into dating. But I'm only speculating. 

The ultimatum idea came from googling what to do when someone flakes! There's so much conflicting advice out there that it's hard to know what to do! 

[Weezy1973]

8 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

The ultimatum idea came from googling what to do when someone flakes! There's so much conflicting advice out there that it's hard to know what to do! 

You said you’ve flaked before. Did anything work with you? 

[lovesfool]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

You said you’ve flaked before. Did anything work with you? 

Technically no because I'm still single lol. I've been told that I should put more effort into meeting men even if I'm not 100% interested from messaging on the apps. 

[Weezy1973]

1 minute ago, lovesfool said:

Technically no because I'm still single lol. I've been told that I should put more effort into meeting men even if I'm not 100% interested from messaging on the apps. 

So I’d guess it’s the same here. He’s not 100% interested from messaging. Not putting in much effort. Like I said, don’t get your hopes up. If he sets a date and follows through cool, but mentally I’d start moving on. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

he said it completely slipped his mind

If he were really interesting in seeing you, this wouldn't have "slipped his mind." He'd have been looking forward to it. 

He's not that interested. Don't bother issuing any sort of ultimatum. Just read the writing on the wall that his interest level is too low and stop communication altogether. You're wasting your time with a guy who is so indifferent he forgets about a date he'd lined up. 

Next. 

[lovesfool]

48 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If he were really interesting in seeing you, this wouldn't have "slipped his mind." He'd have been looking forward to it. 

He's not that interested. Don't bother issuing any sort of ultimatum. Just read the writing on the wall that his interest level is too low and stop communication altogether. You're wasting your time with a guy who is so indifferent he forgets about a date he'd lined up. 

Next. 

That's what I'm trying to tell myself, that he's not interested. But then why would he bother to try and rearrange it, even for later on the same day? I try to give people the benefit of the doubt as I can't expect them to behave the same way I do. He could genuinely be a forgetful person. 

The only defence I could give him was that it wasn't a defined date. This time last week we said Sunday, but didn't pick a time or a place. Maybe it was a bit loose of an arrangement. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt

Be careful not to confuse hearing excuses with giving the benefit of the doubt. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

That's what I'm trying to tell myself, that he's not interested.

There’s a lot of space between really interested and not interested. Maybe he’s not that interested but he’s bored and you’ll do for now until he finds someone he is interested in. Or maybe he’s only interested enough to see if he can get sex. Or maybe you’re just one of many he has on the string. Who knows really? But we can say for certain he’s not super interested or else he’d make sure a date happens. He wouldn’t forget.

[lovesfool]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

There’s a lot of space between really interested and not interested. Maybe he’s not that interested but he’s bored and you’ll do for now until he finds someone he is interested in. Or maybe he’s only interested enough to see if he can get sex. Or maybe you’re just one of many he has on the string. Who knows really? But we can say for certain he’s not super interested or else he’d make sure a date happens. He wouldn’t forget.

I guess the question is whether his lower interest could turn into being very interested. I know I shouldn't be holding out for someone that's not that keen, but I have limited other options. I've decided to take a break from the dating apps regardless of how this plays out. 

I did message him to say that I was disappointed that he didn't remember and that I was busy on the days he suggested for rescheduling. I could easily move my week around, but I'm not going out of my way to accommodate him if he's not doing the same.