Feeling in limbo after 'the two month talk'

[always_hopeful]

Hello all, please excuse the long post. This is a rather controversial relationship (casual dating, large age gap) so I would appreciate if you could spare negative judgements and be kind.

I am in my early 40s, recently divorced and have children. I wasn't looking for a serious relationship, just casual dating at the moment. Two months ago, I met a man in his late 20s through a dating app. We seemed to have a lot in common despite the age difference and at our very first meeting, he had no reservations in telling me how much he liked me. I was a bit more guarded, as I had been "loved-bombed" in the past and I know that young men will say all kinds of lovely things that they may feel in the moment, but change their mind the next day.

The third time I met him he told me that I was very different to the women his age he's met. He said that if I was his age, he would want to make me his girlfriend. He also said that meeting me, he understood why people get married . He seemed honest but I still didn't believe him. For me it was just meant to be casual and fun. He also said he was dating casually and the understanding is that we were both seeing other people.

We started meeting regularly for sex and some dates for two months. He would initiate contact every time and ask to see me, as much as 4 times a week at first, then 2-3 times a week. We would also text a bit on most of the days when we didn't meet, except for a week when I was travelling and we didn't have any contact. During these months he has always been very complimentary and there were occasional signs that he may have some feelings for me, but I chose to ignore it and continued to treat it as a casual, no feelings type of relationship. For example, one time he told me he'd made an excuse not to go to work, because he wanted to see me. I replied "I hope that's not true".

Around the two month mark, 2-3 weeks ago, I noticed he was pulling back a bit. He didn't ask to see me but would agree to meet when I asked him.

I pointed out to him that we had been seeing each other for two months, and he confessed that this was the longest relationship of any kind he'd ever been in. I was surprised it had lasted that long too (long story but he's on a dating podcast and acts as a "player" on there). That day he also "announced" that he was going on a long weekend trip with his friends and that he was planning to travel more and do lots of trips. 

Around that time, I had started to feel more anxious about the relationship. There were too many things left unsaid, and we hadn't established clear rules. We kept talking about us as causal but in person he would often behave like he had feelings. I was starting to have feelings too but was fighting them back because of the age gap and the point in my life I'm at. And I could feel him pulling back. 

So I decided that we needed to talk about things, and see if we could come to a common agreement of what we wanted the relationship to be. For me, I just wanted it to be less "ad hoc" and just have some regularity to our dates and consistent communication. It would still be casual and we could see other people. But without some form of regularity and common understanding, I would start feeling anxious and it would take up too much of my emotional energy and in that case, I would rather stop seeing him.

I sent him a text saying "I have to warn you that I may not be able to keep seeing you much longer. You have done nothing wrong, it's just that I am struggling in some ways. I don't know, I may be able to fix it with your help". What I was struggling with was that I was having trouble keeping my feelings in check, with the whole uncertainty of the situation.

He replied "I think I know what you mean and I feel the same way". However, when we met to talk the next day, he said he wanted a break!  He talked about how busy he was, and that he had been feeling tired, and wasn't feeling as horny, etc. I was completely blindsided, so much so that I didn't follow the "script" that I had prepared, and didn't bother telling him that I was having feelings for him and that's what I was struggling with. I left that meeting more confused than ever. Just two days before that we had met and everything had been great! Why the sudden change? Everywhere online I read that when a guy asks for a break, he most often means it's over, but he doesn't want to say it or he wants to keep you as an option for later. So I was quite sad and trying to process this and I imagined that he didn't really have feelings after all.

The next morning, as I woke up, my brain must have been processing everything because a light bulb went on and I realized that he had most likely asked for a break as a knee-jerk reaction to my text. He probably thought my text meant I was going to break up with him because I wasn't satisfied with his "performance in bed" (he had often said things after sex like "you should see me when  I have rested enough" etc, but the truth is that I was more than satisfied with the sex!) so he must have thought to himself "before she tells me this, he will just ask for a break".

I realized that, even if he acted so confident, he was actually insecure, so much so that he couldn't imagine that I actually liked him and believed that I was unhappy with him, sexually speaking! So I decided to "go for broke". He deserved to hear what an amazing man I think he is, that I never met anyone that was so much like me and that I was plenty satisfied with him in bed. I was so scared going in to tell him all this, but his reaction was great. He was so happy to hear this. He told me that I should know how he felt about me because he had told me from the beginning. So far, sounds like a nice ending, right?

The problem is that after me opening up my heart, he still wants to take a break, kind of, maybe, depending on how he feels, etc.... He confessed that he feels ready for a girlfriend (I knew that...) and because of the age gap, he doesn't want to get too attached to me so he doesn't want to see me too often. But the still wants to keep me in his life. 

I am also quite confused. I like him a lot and care about him, but I don't see myself in a serious relationship just yet, let alone with someone so much younger. And I completely understand that he'd rather have a traditional family with a wife around his age, etc. But I also don't see why we could not keep things going for a while longer, keeping things in perspective, as an open relationship with consistent communication, while we both find our path. Plenty of people have relationships even if they don't see a long term future together, don't they?

What do you advise that I do? Right now, I am in limbo. I asked him that, if he wants a break, he should tell me a date when the break will end. It's been three days. We have been chatting throughout the day (every morning he initiates contact) but he hasn't asked to see me nor given me a decision on the supposed break we are on.

Edited November 29, 2022 by always_hopeful

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, always_hopeful said:

He confessed that he feels ready for a girlfriend  and because of the age gap, he doesn't want to get too attached to me so he doesn't want to see me too often. But the still wants to keep me in his life. 

Sorry this happened. Often "break' is a euphemism for breakup but keeping you on the backburner. Although you stated you are ok with casual, you actually seem to want a regular dating situation. Stop and reflect if this fling is  doing more harm a than good in the long run.

[always_hopeful]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Often "break' is a euphemism for breakup but keeping you on the backburner. Although you stated you are ok with casual, you actually seem to want a regular dating situation. Stop and reflect if this fling is  doing more harm a than good in the long run.

Thanks wiseman. That was my first impression, when we talked on Friday, But after the talk on Saturday, he said in no uncertain terms that he wants me in his future, he just doesn't want to get too attached. He also repeated that he's physically tired and mentioned that he would see how he feels in two weeks, also mentioned that we could watch TV (as opposed to going dancing or something more tiring) instead of taking a break... So basically, my take is he is confused. Keep in mind he has ZERO relationship experience.

As for me, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I want. I do worry that it could be more heartache in the long run, but I would rather take that chance and enjoy it while it lasts, always keeping it in perspective. Besides, neither of us believe in monogamy so we could still be friends and keep in touch occasionally for years to come after it ends.

However, I don't want to accept being someone that he can put on the backburner and pick up later when he feels like it, so if he doesn't want to have a minimum of consistency and regular communication, then I would rather stop. It would not be completely casual anymore, but we would still see other people and have plenty of freedom.

Edited November 29, 2022 by always_hopeful

[glows]

The kind thing to do is cut him loose as he has little to no experience and what he wants and what you want are different. Having been in his shoes, previously married having walked down the aisle presumably with a man of your choice and had your family, I’m puzzled why you wouldn’t want him to move along and live out his life. 

Keeping you around is taking time and energy away especially if both of you have feelings or tenderness/affection for one another. 

This was good while it lasted but it wasn’t meant to last long. If I cared about someone there is no way I’d keep them with me under these circumstances. I’d want them to hurry up and stop dallying around like this.

[stillafool]

48 minutes ago, always_hopeful said:

I like him a lot and care about him, but I don't see myself in a serious relationship just yet, let alone with someone so much younger. And I completely understand that he'd rather have a traditional family with a wife around his age, etc. But I also don't see why we could not keep things going for a while longer, keeping things in perspective, as an open relationship with consistent communication, while we both find our path. Plenty of people have relationships even if they don't see a long term future together, don't they?

 

24 minutes ago, always_hopeful said:

when we talked on Friday, But after the talk on Saturday, he said in no uncertain terms that he wants me in his future, he just doesn't want to get too attached.

It sounds like you both want the same thing.  To see each other casually (FWB).  You both don't want to get move to a relationship because of your age differences but want to continue to have sex until it ends.  He's told you he does want a relationship but not with you due to your age.  So just know you will be having sex and seeing him but he's on the look out for a girlfriend.  When he finds her more than likely he will end it with you.  He said on his podcast he's going to be traveling a lot with his friends so he's not going to be as available to you as much as before. 

[always_hopeful]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

The kind thing to do is cut him loose as he has little to no experience and what he wants and what you want are different. Having been in his shoes, previously married having walked down the aisle presumably with a man of your choice and had your family, I’m puzzled why you wouldn’t want him to move along and live out his life. 

Keeping you around is taking time and energy away especially if both of you have feelings or tenderness/affection for one another. 

This was good while it lasted but it wasn’t meant to last long. If I cared about someone there is no way I’d keep them with me under these circumstances. I’d want them to hurry up and stop dallying around like this.

Thanks for your opinion glows. I do want him to find a girlfriend, but this may take years. He is still very immature and having a slightly less casual relationship (again, it would be minimal, and he'd still be free to keep searching for the girlfriend) could actually be very good practice for him when he does find the right one. So I don't necessarily think it's selfish of me to want to keep things going, as long as it's not hurting him.

If he tells me that he would rather not see me anymore, I would not argue with him, though.

What I am asking for help with is what to do right now, regarding the fact that he hasn't made up his mind yet. Should I give him an ultimatum? Either we stop or we hash out the "rules" of the relationship?

[always_hopeful]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

It sounds like you both want the same thing.  To see each other casually (FWB).  You both don't want to get move to a relationship because of your age differences but want to continue to have sex until it ends.  He's told you he does want a relationship but not with you due to your age.  So just know you will be having sex and seeing him but he's on the look out for a girlfriend.  When he finds her more than likely he will end it with you.  He said on his podcast he's going to be traveling a lot with his friends so he's not going to be as available to you as much as before. 

Yes, we kind of want the same thing except I need it to be relatively steady, and he at the moment doesn't know if he wants it to be "on and off", or what. All he seems to be clear on is that he doesn't want to let me go.

[glows]

9 minutes ago, always_hopeful said:

Thanks for your opinion glows. I do want him to find a girlfriend, but this may take years. He is still very immature and having a slightly less casual relationship (again, it would be minimal, and he'd still be free to keep searching for the girlfriend) could actually be very good practice for him when he does find the right one. So I don't necessarily think it's selfish of me to want to keep things going, as long as it's not hurting him.

If he tells me that he would rather not see me anymore, I would not argue with him, though.

What I am asking for help with is what to do right now, regarding the fact that he hasn't made up his mind yet. Should I give him an ultimatum? Either we stop or we hash out the "rules" of the relationship?

With much respect you’re limiting him in his maturity here and he may benefit from seeing other people. Even clumsily entering a relationship with someone more on his wavelength, younger, more compatible, would give him more of a chance at what he hopes to find much more than you can ever offer. 

I don’t think it’s possible to rush this along and that he finds himself hesitant and unwilling to progress this any further is answer enough, imo. You seem to want to create more direction in a go nowhere situation. 

I’d also consider that this is holding you back from finding a more fulfilling fwb or sexual or casual companionship that isn’t in limbo and without all this inertia and awkwardness. I respect that you’re not looking for a relationship and there are plenty of people who don’t and are satisfied, living fully on their own terms. 

Edited November 29, 2022 by glows

[always_hopeful]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

With much respect you’re limiting him in his maturity here and he may benefit from seeing other people. Even clumsily entering a relationship with someone more on his wavelength, younger, more compatible, would give him more of a chance at what he hopes to find much more than you can ever offer. 

I don’t think it’s possible to rush this along and that he finds himself hesitant and unwilling to progress this any further with is answer enough, imo. You seem to want to create more direction in a go nowhere situation. 

I’d also consider that this is holding you back from finding a more fulfilling fwb or sexual or casual companionship that isn’t in limbo and without all this inertia and awkwardness. I respect that you’re not looking for a relationship and there are plenty of people who don’t and are satisfied, living fully on their own terms. 

He will still be seeing other people. As I said, I do not expect him to be in a real relationship with me, just a slightly more structured FWB type relationship. If he meets someone that he wants a relationship with, that's when we would stop.

I do not want to create more direction necessarily, I am just stating my needs. Either we have a minimum of contact and certainty or we stop. I'm ok with both options, the first one will hurt later and the second one will hurt now.

Regarding finding a FWB, I do have another one actually, but in any case, FWBs don't typically last long so I'd rather keep the ones I'm happy with for as long as they are fun and are not hurting.

[stillafool]

You saying you want a more steady and structured relationship until he finds someone he's serious about is not realistic or reasonable.  How can he give you a steady and structured relationship while looking for and trying meet, date and cultivate a relationship with another woman?  The most I see you ending up with from him is a "sex buddy" relationship until it ends.  I think that is why he really was going to break it off because perhaps he feels at this point in his life he's wasting his time having just sex with someone he knows he's not going to make his gf.  I feel you being the elder here that the best move is to let him go so he can find that younger woman he wants a relationship with.  It's best to do this now before you're put in a position to get hurt.  You still have your other FWBs.

Edited November 29, 2022 by stillafool

[stillafool]

56 minutes ago, always_hopeful said:

I do want him to find a girlfriend, but this may take years.

Why do you think that?  There are a lot of women looking for boyfriends and future husbands.  If you found him attractive others will too.  Maybe he hasn't wanted a real gf before now and he is entering his late 20s and perhaps would like a wife and kids and a home like most other men.  I hope you weren't expecting what you're doing with him to go on for years, were you?

[always_hopeful]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Why do you think that?  There are a lot of women looking for boyfriends and future husbands.  If you found him attractive others will too.  Maybe he hasn't wanted a real gf before now and he is entering his late 20s and perhaps would like a wife and kids and a home like most other men.  I hope you weren't expecting what you're doing with him to go on for years, were you?

Hahaha no, not for years, but definitely a few more months. Regarding finding a girlfriend, who knows, now that he's ready for a it he may go with the first girl that comes along, but he has told me his pretty selective list or requirements that he wants his future wife to have, so it could take him a while to meet the right one XD

He's not in a hurry to get married and have kids either. He's figuring out his career.

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, always_hopeful said:

He's not in a hurry to get married and have kids either. He's figuring out his career.

Maybe not but he did tell you he wants a relationship so he's definitely looking.  Marriage usually starts off with meeting, dating, falling in love, spending time together ,meeting the friends and family, traveling, getting engaged and then marriage.  All of that can take time.  So he's at the age and stage in his life.

[always_hopeful]

37 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You saying you want a more steady and structured relationship until he finds someone he's serious about is not realistic or reasonable.  How can he give you a steady and structured relationship while looking for and trying meet, date and cultivate a relationship with another woman?  The most I see you ending up with from him is a "sex buddy" relationship until it ends.  I think that is why he really was going to break it off because perhaps he feels at this point in his life he's wasting his time having just sex with someone he knows he's not going to make his gf.  I feel you being the elder here that the best move is to let him go so he can find that younger woman he wants a relationship with.  It's best to do this now before you're put in a position to get hurt.  You still have your other FWBs.

Thanks for your perspective. I would only be in a position to get hurt if I allow myself to be in that position. I think I can keep things in perspective and take them for what they are. I have gotten over other guys before so I know what to expect when it ends, and the right structure and communication would minimise the pain.

Regarding wanting a steady and structured relationship, I have repeated that it would be very minimal. Up until now it was most often booty calls, except the dates we had that we scheduled in advance. I just want to end the booty calls and say e.g. we meet once a week, or once every two weeks, or whatever we are both happy with, and just not have as much uncertainty.

[Lisa]

Thread closed at OP's request