I messed up and now I'm heartbroken.

[JB96x]

But I am in no way using my religion or culture as a cop out. I know I messed up and it was my overbearing, overprotective and fast paced approach that ultimately made her leave I hold my hands up I did wrong, I messed up and if I just chilled the hell out, took it slow and didn’t get too attached we’d be still talking and getting closer.
But I only mentioned the religion thing as that’s the only thing I can think of that gave me the insecure thoughts as I didn’t agree with her driving about with some let’s say misguided women (her best friend) who’s on the prowl for male attention and high and I kind of thought if you’re not that type or girl like you say then why are you best friends with someone like that and interact in this if it’s not you and I thought she may be lying about who she really is as I thought it’s like me ( I absolutely hate smoking) sitting in s car all night with someone who’s smoking like a chimney, I just wouldn’t put myself in that position because it’s not me and I think that’s how it stemmed I was also scared maybe she’s not this modest, good Muslim girl she made out she was.

Edited December 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed content which was cleaned up

[glows]

5 minutes ago, JB96x said:

Please don’t argue guys I appreciate all your advice it means a lot to me and I’m taking it all on board. 

But I am in no way using my religion or culture as a cop out. I know I messed up and it was my overbearing, overprotective and fast paced approach that ultimately made her leave I hold my hands up I did wrong, I messed up and if I just chilled the hell out, took it slow and didn’t get too attached we’d be still talking and getting closer.
But I only mentioned the religion thing as that’s the only thing I can think of that gave me the insecure thoughts as I didn’t agree with her driving about with some let’s say misguided women (her best friend) who’s on the prowl for male attention and high and I kind of thought if you’re not that type or girl like you say then why are you best friends with someone like that and interact in this if it’s not you and I thought she may be lying about who she really is as I thought it’s like me ( I absolutely hate smoking) sitting in s car all night with someone who’s smoking like a chimney, I just wouldn’t put myself in that position because it’s not me and I think that’s how it stemmed I was also scared maybe she’s not this modest, good Muslim girl she made out she was.

I don’t see anyone arguing here. Everyone does have a say and right to an opinion not just the ones that agree with a certain perspective (ie yours).

I’d say if she was contradictory so are you. You had said earlier that people messaging the way you both did or meeting is not what good people do according to this specific religion. It’s a fairly tall order to be holding her to an idea that she should be behaving a certain way when you weren’t either according to your culture or religion. 

The bottomline is you weren’t compatible and I think you may have a better idea how to approach these situations in future.

When someone shows you they’re contradictory, simply avoid. Your ego might be bruised because she chose not to continue seeing you and stopped communicating. She may have sensed early on that you’re not a guy she wants to date and have to explain her choices to. That should also be respected.

 

[Calmandfocused]

Op I would strongly suggest that you do some introspection and reflection and get an insight regarding your attitudes, values and perceptions of women. 
 

I note that you like every one on Jontu’s posts and frankly: some of the attitudes portrayed there are disturbing, at least from my own perception. 
 

I think what’s happened is this; 

You believe that the woman you are interested in should adore, worship and prioritise you. You believe that she should abide by what you believe to be a a “good Muslim woman’s behaviour”. You believe that she should have abided by your rules, done exactly what you wanted her to do, and the fact that she didn’t clearly enraged you. 
 

You have taken this badly because the opposite happened to what you expected. 
 

You are not in love with her. Your ego is badly damaged and you are in a state of disbelief. Your internal conflict comes from it all not making sense. 
 

As I said, introspection, reflection, work on your attitudes and leave this poor woman alone. 
 

Don’t continue this cycle. You will fail. 
 

 

[poppyfields]

OP, just finished reading the entire thread. 

What I think might have happened is NOT that it was moving too fast, I mean 4 dates in a 5-week period is NOT fast.

It was the intensity of your feelings within a very short time that overwhelmed her and that is why she pulled back, imo.

Also, I think your use of the word "overprotective" was an incorrect use of the word. 

Being protective is fine and in the instances @Jonttudescribed, many women would welcome such protectiveness.  Coming to her rescue so to speak when men are hitting on her, giving her unwanted attention etc..  I certainly do.

That's not what you were doing however, you became insecure and jealous and proceeded to unjustly accuse her of cheating and basically insulted her character and integrity.

That is quite different from being "over-protective."

You are aware of this now which is good.  That's the first step towards change. 

I think insecurity and jealousy are valid emotions especially during early stages so I would never judge you for having them.

What's important is that you learn how to control and manage those emotions so as to not overwhelm and possibly turn off your partner. 

It's mind over matter.  Think before you speak or act. 

Before lashing out, accusing and insulting, think of how your comments will be received.

Will they be welcomed?  Will making such comments draw her closer to you?  Create or build intimacy? 

Most likely NO, they will push her away just like they did here. 

Thats the take away from this. 

Feeling uncertain, insecure, jealous is OK.  They are human emotions and we all experience them from time to time. 

Again what's important is containing those emotions and managing them to avoid overwhelming your partner, turning them off and pushing them away. 

I'm sorry things didn't work out but huge lesson learned for next time. 

When feeling uncertain, insecure, jealous --  contain, contain, contain. 

Just my take FWIW and all the best moving forward! 

 

Edited November 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[emotionallybroken9]

Hey OP, im guessing you’re now on this forum to reflect on your actions and what has lead you to be the way you are, yes?

one answer: your environment. 
 

You see, as a Muslim, you are growing with such strong teachings that other religions truly can’t fathom the depth of. 
 

Now, I don’t know how long you’ve been Muslim, or how strong of a Muslim upbringing you’ve had, but since you’re meeting in secret, it sounds like you’re Muslim enough for this to be a pain in the butt for you lol. 
 

Part of being in a muslim family is that the parents and older siblings will always have the higher level of control and respect. 
 

I would loooove to be right that you’re a 20 something Muslim that has older siblings. Maybe you’re a person that’s starting to step out of his religion and found another person that reciprocated. Maybe because you were raised to see that control = happiness, you decided subconsciously to be controlling in your world. 
 

islam is all about control, but for the betterment. 
 

in your case, you have bigger fish to fry. You shouldn’t be dating as a Muslim. She shouldn’t be either. Your story has a lot of “she shouldn’t be doing this as a Muslim”, but the same is said about you, no? 
 

Questions to help:

1)How many girls did you date before this one?

2) How Muslim are you? (Pray 5 times? No alcohol? Etc)

3) Have you had sex yet?

4) How accepting of dating is your family and friends? 
 

Hope this helps. You’re a “Muslim” so you’re about to go through a lot more than just your control issues lol. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Religion has nothing to do with your highly inappropriate behaviour when she distanced herself from you. 

Messaging and calling and relentlessly badgering someone who has told you to stop has zero to do with religious beliefs. I don't think you have a leg to stand on in guiding her when your own behaviour left a lot to be desired. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, JB96x said:

 I didn’t agree with her driving about with some let’s say misguided women (her best friend) who’s on the prowl for male attention 

You have insight into your inappropriate behavior and lack of boundaries with women in general. 

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, JB96x said:

A Muslim women should not be driving about early hours in the morning

She absolutely can.

This isn't former Saudi Arabia.

Edited November 30, 2022 by Alpacalia

[JB96x]

3 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op I would strongly suggest that you do some introspection and reflection and get an insight regarding your attitudes, values and perceptions of women. 
 

I note that you like every one on Jontu’s posts and frankly: some of the attitudes portrayed there are disturbing, at least from my own perception. 
 

I think what’s happened is this; 

You believe that the woman you are interested in should adore, worship and prioritise you. You believe that she should abide by what you believe to be a a “good Muslim woman’s behaviour”. You believe that she should have abided by your rules, done exactly what you wanted her to do, and the fact that she didn’t clearly enraged you. 
 

You have taken this badly because the opposite happened to what you expected. 
 

You are not in love with her. Your ego is badly damaged and you are in a state of disbelief. Your internal conflict comes from it all not making sense. 
 

As I said, introspection, reflection, work on your attitudes and leave this poor woman alone. 
 

Don’t continue this cycle. You will fail. 
 

 

I agree with some of what you say about reflection etc but disagree with a lot as you have completely misinterpreted what I’ve said.

1. I never ever set any rules or ever even once tried telling her what to do the whole good Muslim thing was thoughts I had and kept to myself I never actually told her what I thought properly all I ever said was “do you really think it’s good as a Muslim to be around them types of people and activities”I just tried guiding her I NEVER gave her rules or tried even telling her plus she was a strong women she’d of told me I’m not her husband and to pi$$ off

2. No I don’t think she should of worshipped me or anything of the sort as that’s actually really haram as we should only worship Allah and I’m not like that at all I’m not and like I said I never tried even been that way with her. 
3. I agree I probably didn’t love her like I think it’s probably more infatuation but it’s nothing to do with my ego been damaged as I don’t feel like “ who is she to do this to me” “ how dare she”  it’s nothing to do with my ego I am generally just so upset and sad that she’s gone I know I caused it but yeah I just have genuine feelings of missing her I miss her so much it’s nothing to do with my ego I can assure you. 

But yeah the bottom line is I got way too attached way too intensely way too quick and by getting so intensely attached and developing feelings so quick I acted stupidly because I really didn’t want to lose her.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, JB96x said:

I never actually told her what I thought properly all I ever said was “do you really think it’s good as a Muslim to be around them types of people and activities”I just tried guiding her

I'm coming in late here.  

What you've said above is also not cool.  You are not her father or teacher, and as such, it's not your place to guide her.   I too, would have ended it with someone who said this to me.  

[balletomane]

On 11/30/2022 at 2:21 PM, JB96x said:

No I totally understand that and it sounds bad and you won’t understand unless you’re a Muslim. 
A Muslim women should not be driving about early hours in the morning let alone doing that and interacting with men. Me and her shouldn’t even of been texting or meeting as it’s really bad and not permissible in Islam unless you’re married but we really liked each other, a women is not supposed to even show any flesh or take pictures and put it online in Islam I never said anything about that btw but I’m just saying it’s a strict religion and not a joke. I just tried guiding her as her actions were not acceptable at all in Islam but I never meant to come across as controlling or anything. 
I wanted us to grow together and become better Muslims together but it all went to sh*t and here I am heart broken

This post reveals strong double standards, OP. You don't believe you should have been talking to her even online, but you're justifying your own deviation from your beliefs because you "really liked each other"...whilst simultaneously criticising her for not abiding by standards you don't live up to yourself. If I were her, the hypocrisy would have troubled me.

I lived in a Muslim-majority country for over half my life. I know there is a lot of diversity and variation in how people practise their faith, so the logical thing for you to do when you're ready to date would be to look for someone with similar religious outlook to yourself. But don't get clingy, demanding, or accusatory with women who don't share that outlook - they don't owe you anything, and it's always a bad idea to try and date people with a view to changing how they think or act. Don't date anyone unless you can accept them as they are.

[Acacia98]

On 11/30/2022 at 5:21 PM, JB96x said:

I just tried guiding her as her actions were not acceptable at all in Islam but I never meant to come across as controlling or anything. 
I wanted us to grow together and become better Muslims together but it all went to sh*t and here I am heart broken

Let's be honest. This is not how all Muslims live. This is how Muslims in your particular culture live. And if that's how you personally choose to live, as claustrophobic as it makes me feel, there's nothing I can do about it. But let me give you a bit of advice: 

1. If you want your wife to share your values, then look for a woman who already has those values. Do not look for a woman who has a more relaxed approach to your faith then try to manipulate her or coerce her into being like you. This comes down to compatibility. Compatibility is a key to ingredient for a healthy long-term relationship. I can tell you based on your first post alone that this woman you fell for is not compatible with you at all. Even if you somehow miraculously managed to reconcile and get married, you would fight all the time. And you would ultimately divorce.

2. Get some non-religious counselling. It sounds like there's a lot of stuff that's happened in your life that has hurt you deeply and you need to work through it and find some healing. You're in no condition to be dating or marrying anybody right now.

Now I'm going to be frank with you about something. If I liked a guy and he was in the habit of riding along when his buddy drove around high with a child in the car, hitting on women, I would lose interest in him very quickly. Even if the guy I liked was not participating in the flirtation or drug use, I would wonder about his sense of judgment and boundaries. So there's nothing wrong with you being concerned about your crush's passive/enabling behavior. What's wrong is you thinking it's your place to fix it. If you're concerned about the welfare of the 9-year-old (as you should be), consider reporting the situation to the children's welfare agency where you are. The adults in the situation can take care of themselves.

[JTSW]

On 12/3/2022 at 1:03 AM, balletomane said:

A Muslim women should not be driving about early hours in the morning let alone doing that and interacting with men.

And how do you know she is actually talking to men?

You said yourself that men approach her but she might just ignore them.

Muslim or not, you don't really have a right to tell her what to do.

[smackie9]

Dude you blew it. You got obsessed with her, and that freaking scared the crap out of her...you are not in love you are infatuated. Time to reflect on your mistakes, and correct them with the next girl you ask out. This girl now is long gone down the road. it's a life's lesson.