I messed up and now I'm heartbroken.

[JB96x]

Hello everyone! Hope you’re well, sorry for the long post but I’m in desperate need of advice and help so please read it all

So let’s start, I met this girl online 3.5 months ago we chatted for a month just casually and then we decided we was going to meet up so we did and wow it was amazing there was no awkwardness and there was an instant connection and attraction on both sides we even passionately kissed which for me I don’t do that as I’m usually quite shy on the first time meeting. After this we start video calling each other pretty much every night and growing closer we then met again and the same as the first time was great and at this point I’m falling real hard for this girl even tho I barely know her yet but I’m falling hard. 
So we’re growing closer and meet a further 2x baring in mind this is all in like a 5week period. So after the last time we met she tells me she really likes me of course and loves seeing me but she feels it’s moving way too fast and we maybe need to see each other less frequently and chill out a bit as we’re still getting to know each other so obviously I was a little upset ar this as I was loving how fast it was going as I’ve really fallen for her so it made me feel not too great and we spoke about things, cleared a few things up and we was fine. Now from this point I started getting a little jealous and overprotective and started saying stupid little things and accusing her of things when as she said in her own words and looking back I agree that I’m not her man yet and I have no right to try tell her these kinds of things. 
So we had a few arguments she told me she has a thing where if someone says something to her just once and it hurts her it can put her off for life and she’ll never be able to be normal again with the person as this happened with her ex. Of course I didn’t listen and I said something to her basically an accusation and that was it she changed with me and said she doesn’t think it’ll work now as she won’t be able to be normal but give her a weeks space. I did that and it was still the same response she said she wants to carry on and doesn’t wanna let go as she really likes me but she knows her mind won’t let her be the same with me. So we left it on good terms. 
A few days had passed and I caved in and messaged her telling her I missed her (typical) she of course ignored it so the day after I got upset and messaged her again been a bit brash asking why she ignored me etc sand we started arguing and I was been a total tw@t and way out of order so she blocked my number. I then proceeded to message her on my work phone anyway me not leaving her alone, digging a deeper hole and acting like an absolute crazy maniac lasted most of that week I just couldn’t let go. I finally knew enough was enough and I left her be until the other day when I apologised to her for everything as I was out of order and she told me it was fine don’t worry and she started making convo with me as I said she left her lipstick in my car and we had a laugh kind of until she all of a sudden abruptly told me to go away and leave her be which was a bit weird it’s as if she wanted to talk but then remembered why she can’t. 
So here I am now and I literally can’t cope I’ve acted in a way that is so out of character for me but something has come over me I really have drop dead fallen for this girl even tho I’ve only known her 3/4months it’s absolutely crazy and I can’t explain wtf is going on but I can’t get over her, I think about her all day everyday, I miss her, I constantly go over what if I didn’t do this abs didn’t do that. I am literally so depressed and I just want her back I miss her calls every night I just miss her but it’s crazy as I’ve only known her 3/4month I do not understand how I can be so emotionally attached to someone after 3/4m like I’ve never been like this before in such a short space of time. I just don’t feel I can get over her but I know I got over my ex of 4yrs which destroyed me so surely I can get over her. 
Im really struggling but does anyone know what the hell is going on as I’m literally in love with this girl and can not let her go I just want her back! I know I sound like an absolute psychopath in some of that but honestly I’m not I’ve never ever been this way before I’m just so in love it’s crazy.

 

Thanks guys 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, JB96x said:

she blocked my number. I then proceeded to message her on my work phone anyway me not leaving her alone, digging a deeper hole and acting like an absolute crazy maniac lasted most of that week I just couldn’t let go.

Sorry this happened. It's best to leave her alone before she gets a restraining order or the police come to your door to have a chat about harassment and stalking. 

Take this time to regroup and reflect.  You seem to have insight into this this. Perhaps  consider therapy  to get a handle on  obsessional, possessive behavior and feeling out of control. 

[JB96x]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It's best to leave her alone before she gets a restraining order or the police come to your door to have a chat about harassment and stalking. 

Take this time to regroup and reflect.  You seem to have insight into this this. Perhaps  consider therapy  to get a handle on  obsessional, possessive behavior and feeling out of control. 

Yes don’t worry I have left it now and won’t contact her. It’s just so hard like I just want to message her so bad and tbh I just wish everything could be okay and she’d give me another chance.

Its just really hit me hard and I don’t know why as I’ve only known her 3/4months.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, JB96x said:

Its just really hit me hard and I don’t know why as I’ve only known her 3/4months.

This is more than likely a reflection of deeper emotional instability inside you. 

Your inappropriate reaction to her backing away (essentially harrassing her to get a response) suggests underlying issues that are unrelated to her. The same goes for the accusations you were lobbing at her. You've got some serious inner work to do before you will be ready to date again. 

Take this time to take a break from dating. Work on whatever is behind this behaviour. And don't contact her anymore. That one is done and over, but you can learn from this if you reflect deeply and do the emotional heavy-lifting needed to resolve your issues. 

Edited November 29, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[glows]

It didn’t just start with the out of control attempts to call her. It was telling her what to do and behaving in a possessive and controlling way. Some part of you felt that you were entitled to telling someone else what to do and make unfounded accusations, making someone else feel extremely uncomfortable to the point where they do not want to be around you or speak to you. 

Unfortunately none of this is “love”. It’s infatuation, obsession and possessive behaviour. Take the time to recoup and distance yourself. Seek help if necessary. People avoid you like this as no one wants to feel controlled and uncomfortable.

[JB96x]

49 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is more than likely a reflection of deeper emotional instability inside you. 

Your inappropriate reaction to her backing away (essentially harrassing her to get a response) suggests underlying issues that are unrelated to her. The same goes for the accusations you were lobbing at her. You've got some serious inner work to do before you will be ready to date again. 

Take this time to take a break from dating. Work on whatever is behind this behaviour. And don't contact her anymore. That one is done and over, but you can learn from this if you reflect deeply and do the emotional heavy-lifting needed to resolve your issues. 

 

10 minutes ago, glows said:

It didn’t just start with the out of control attempts to call her. It was telling her what to do and behaving in a possessive and controlling way. Some part of you felt that you were entitled to telling someone else what to do and make unfounded accusations, making someone else feel extremely uncomfortable to the point where they do not want to be around you or speak to you. 

Unfortunately none of this is “love”. It’s infatuation, obsession and possessive behaviour. Take the time to recoup and distance yourself. Seek help if necessary. People avoid you like this as no one wants to feel controlled and uncomfortable.

 

49 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is more than likely a reflection of deeper emotional instability inside you. 

Your inappropriate reaction to her backing away (essentially harrassing her to get a response) suggests underlying issues that are unrelated to her. The same goes for the accusations you were lobbing at her. You've got some serious inner work to do before you will be ready to date again. 

Take this time to take a break from dating. Work on whatever is behind this behaviour. And don't contact her anymore. That one is done and over, but you can learn from this if you reflect deeply and do the emotional heavy-lifting needed to resolve your issues. 

Thanks for the replies guys.I agree I need to work on these issues I have researched and it seems I have a anxious preoccupied attachment style and I know I need to work on this and learn from my mistakes. 
 

But that a side which I do recognise, It’s just so hard to get over her I literally can’t stop thinking about her like I get in from work and I think “I’d of been calling her right now if I didn’t mess up” and just wishing I could go back and not make the mistakes I made it’s literally eating me up. I just miss her so bad. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, JB96x said:

So we had a few arguments she told me she has a thing where if someone says something to her just once and it hurts her it can put her off for life and she’ll never be able to be normal again with the person as this happened with her ex.

I am this way too.

What did you say to her?

Edited November 29, 2022 by Alpacalia

[JB96x]

14 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I am this way too.

What did you say to her?

I’m not sure if I’m correct but are you Pakistani or Asian? you look it in your profile pic lol as she was also and I never added but I’m Muslim and so is she so it wasn’t like a typical dating scenario as things are much different to a typical say English dating scene.

No but basically I’ll explain fully what it was basically on a weekend she drives about with her best friend who happens to be 12yrs older than her and divorced etc but anyway her best friend is not the best role model she gets high and drives about trying to get male attention while her freaking 9yr old son is in the back which as a Muslim that is totally not acceptable in fact in any culture it’s not acceptable. The girl I was “dating” wasn’t like that so I asked why do you associate with her then and she said she felt bad for her so anyway I knew on a weekend they’d be driving about interacting with men even tho “my girl” said she doesn’t do anything and she just sits there awkward which I didn’t fully believe I’m obviously not going to like it so I think this gave me trust issues right away. So I basically accused her of meeting random men on weekends and told her I think she lies about who she is and what she does as she made out ti me she was a good modest Muslim girl. 
So that was the final straw for her and what really did it. But she herself told me what her friend was like and what she does so maybe if she was the same she wouldn’t of even told me I don’t know lol but that’s what it is 

[Alpacalia]

25 minutes ago, JB96x said:

I’m not sure if I’m correct but are you Pakistani or Asian? you look it in your profile pic lol as she was also and I never added but I’m Muslim and so is she so it wasn’t like a typical dating scenario as things are much different to a typical say English dating scene.

No but basically I’ll explain fully what it was basically on a weekend she drives about with her best friend who happens to be 12yrs older than her and divorced etc but anyway her best friend is not the best role model she gets high and drives about trying to get male attention while her freaking 9yr old son is in the back which as a Muslim that is totally not acceptable in fact in any culture it’s not acceptable. The girl I was “dating” wasn’t like that so I asked why do you associate with her then and she said she felt bad for her so anyway I knew on a weekend they’d be driving about interacting with men even tho “my girl” said she doesn’t do anything and she just sits there awkward which I didn’t fully believe I’m obviously not going to like it so I think this gave me trust issues right away. So I basically accused her of meeting random men on weekends and told her I think she lies about who she is and what she does as she made out ti me she was a good modest Muslim girl. 
So that was the final straw for her and what really did it. But she herself told me what her friend was like and what she does so maybe if she was the same she wouldn’t of even told me I don’t know lol but that’s what it is 

I'm Irish, German and Persian. I have a parent who is from Bahrain.

Yes, the culture is quite different.

Well, since you accuse her of cheating, I would say it is fair to assume that you are accusing her of lying to you. It's like accusing someone of being dishonest on the most primitive foundation of your relationship.

Try getting the whole story first before making such hasty judgements.

It's a nasty feeling knowing you have certain values and having them questioned because of the insecurity of your partner.

The best friend driving around under the influence with a child and her is much more concerning.

 

 

 

Edited November 29, 2022 by Alpacalia

[JB96x]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

I'm Irish, German and Persian. I have a parent who is from Bahrain.

Yes, the culture is quite different.

Well, you accused her of cheating – so you are accusing her of lying to you. It's like accusing someone of being dishonest on the most primitive foundation of your relationship.

Try getting the whole story first before making such hasty judgements.

It's a nasty feeling knowing you have certain values and having them questioned because of the insecurity of your partner.

The best friend driving around under the influence with a child and her is much more concerning.

 

 

 

Yes I agree! And yes I think she said that’s what hurt her because I was accusing her of been with men when she said that’s totally not her or her morals and it hurt that I think so low of her. 
She was a lovely girl and I miss her dearly. I just can’t believe how bad I’ve messed up.

[Jonttu]

33 minutes ago, JB96x said:

Yes I agree! And yes I think she said that’s what hurt her because I was accusing her of been with men when she said that’s totally not her or her morals and it hurt that I think so low of her. 
She was a lovely girl and I miss her dearly. I just can’t believe how bad I’ve messed up.

Sweetheart, you did NOT mess up anything. Having been there myself, this usually happens:

- Everything is super douper dandy and rosy

- Out of the blue he starts with the push-pull, driving me insane.

- I'm constantly thinking 'what did I do wrong, how did I mess this up???'

- Then the salvation comes; I understand that there is an ongoing monologue in my head, with me talking to him and him of course not answering back.

- It was all a mental mindgame, making me think that it was something 'special', but once I caught myself 'talking' to the guy in my head, that is when I knew to RUN and FAST.

Do you talk to her in your head? They say mind over matter, which explains the painful experience and the neverending monologue also. It has nothing to do with love, absolutely nothing.

You blaming yourself is also a classic act. "I must have done or said something wrong etc." WRONG! You acted upon your feelings and nobody can blame you for that. The self-blame comes with the push-pull Modus Operandi.

Simply refuse to have any discussions with her in your head, always stop them the second you catch yourself 'talking' to her - put an immediate stop to it A.S.A.P.

When she can't push or pull you mentally, that is when you are slowly liberated of her chains and that is when she goes insane. She can't stop thinking about you in her head and you start to see her for who she is, from a distance and from afar.

Turn her into an object of observation. Because she treats you like an object, you are free to treat her the same way.

Keep in mind that it was only a physical/mental fling. If you are in love, then you do not have any conversations with your loved one inside your head 24/7.

Seriously, I just got out of a relationship like that. In the end I didn't reply to his same old emails, where he had this subtle accusing tone and where every sentence had a hook.

Think of the girl as a stepping stone to a real girl with real feelings, someone who is intelligent enough not to play any mental games with you.

Please stop the discussions with her in your head. That is of utmost importance.

Take care and good luck XXX

Edited November 30, 2022 by Jonttu

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, JB96x said:

Yes I agree! And yes I think she said that’s what hurt her because I was accusing her of been with men when she said that’s totally not her or her morals and it hurt that I think so low of her. 
She was a lovely girl and I miss her dearly. I just can’t believe how bad I’ve messed up.

I think it is okay to feel nervous about her decision to drive with a friend under the influence. It's just a matter of trying to communicate your concerns and thoughts differently to someone you care about. The people she’s associating with aren’t looking out for her best interests. That also means at some point choosing to quit trying to make her see her friendships and behavior from your perspective, and instead just stop trying and walk away.

Edited November 30, 2022 by Alpacalia

[glows]

3 hours ago, JB96x said:

So I basically accused her of meeting random men on weekends and told her I think she lies about who she is and what she does as she made out ti me she was a good modest Muslim girl. 
So that was the final straw for her and what really did it. But she herself told me what her friend was like and what she does so maybe if she was the same she wouldn’t of even told me I don’t know lol but that’s what it is 

This is character slaying, questioning someone’s integrity and accusing someone you just met. It’s not ok bringing culture or religion into it and in no way should women(or men for that matter) be treated. I suggest looking closely at your patterns of treating people, women in particular. 

In future you are much better off taking it slow and getting to know someone. Don’t insult a person’s friends or loved ones and avoid trying to change someone when dating. You’re observing only and checking for compatibility. Not compatible? End it. Move on. 

If you have the urge to contact her, do something else. Keep occupying yourself where you’re not hurting others or yourself making the same mistakes or repeating the same offensive behaviours that others might recoil from. You can learn from this and move forwards.

Edited November 30, 2022 by glows

[JB96x]

8 hours ago, Jonttu said:

Sweetheart, you did NOT mess up anything. Having been there myself, this usually happens:

- Everything is super douper dandy and rosy

- Out of the blue he starts with the push-pull, driving me insane.

- I'm constantly thinking 'what did I do wrong, how did I mess this up???'

- Then the salvation comes; I understand that there is an ongoing monologue in my head, with me talking to him and him of course not answering back.

- It was all a mental mindgame, making me think that it was something 'special', but once I caught myself 'talking' to the guy in my head, that is when I knew to RUN and FAST.

Do you talk to her in your head? They say mind over matter, which explains the painful experience and the neverending monologue also. It has nothing to do with love, absolutely nothing.

You blaming yourself is also a classic act. "I must have done or said something wrong etc." WRONG! You acted upon your feelings and nobody can blame you for that. The self-blame comes with the push-pull Modus Operandi.

Simply refuse to have any discussions with her in your head, always stop them the second you catch yourself 'talking' to her - put an immediate stop to it A.S.A.P.

When she can't push or pull you mentally, that is when you are slowly liberated of her chains and that is when she goes insane. She can't stop thinking about you in her head and you start to see her for who she is, from a distance and from afar.

Turn her into an object of observation. Because she treats you like an object, you are free to treat her the same way.

Keep in mind that it was only a physical/mental fling. If you are in love, then you do not have any conversations with your loved one inside your head 24/7.

Seriously, I just got out of a relationship like that. In the end I didn't reply to his same old emails, where he had this subtle accusing tone and where every sentence had a hook.

Think of the girl as a stepping stone to a real girl with real feelings, someone who is intelligent enough not to play any mental games with you.

Please stop the discussions with her in your head. That is of utmost importance.

Take care and good luck XXX

Yes, thank you. This puts another perspective on things. 

[JB96x]

6 hours ago, glows said:

This is character slaying, questioning someone’s integrity and accusing someone you just met. It’s not ok bringing culture or religion into it and in no way should women(or men for that matter) be treated. I suggest looking closely at your patterns of treating people, women in particular. 

In future you are much better off taking it slow and getting to know someone. Don’t insult a person’s friends or loved ones and avoid trying to change someone when dating. You’re observing only and checking for compatibility. Not compatible? End it. Move on. 

If you have the urge to contact her, do something else. Keep occupying yourself where you’re not hurting others or yourself making the same mistakes or repeating the same offensive behaviours that others might recoil from. You can learn from this and move forwards.

Yes I understand what you’re saying. Some good points and no obviously I don’t like bringing religion or culture into things hence why I never mentioned it in my original post but it’s just the truth been a Muslim girl is totally different to been a non Muslim girl. 

[JTSW]

Seems like you have tendencies to highly overreact.

She only wanted to slow things down a little and your reaction was out of order.

She confided in you about her best friends issues and clearly goes with her to ensure her and her son don't get into any danger.

Your reaction to this was accuse her of cheating and meeting other men.

You then acted like a complete psycho stalker after she asked for space.  

I'm sorry OP, but you have broken it, and you're not even exclusive.

I think you now need to be super strong and leave her be. 

She will never be with you the way you want after that.

Edited November 30, 2022 by JTSW

[JB96x]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

Seems like you have tendencies to highly overreact.

She only wanted to slow things down a little and your reaction was out of order.

She confided in you about her best friends issues and clearly goes with her to ensure her and her son don't get into any danger.

Your reaction to this was accuse her of cheating and meeting other men.

You then acted like a complete psycho stalker after she asked for space.  

I'm sorry OP, but you have broken it, and you're not even exclusive.

I think you now need to be super strong and leave her be. 

She will never be with you the way you want after that.

You’re absolutely right! I can’t even deny it I absolutely did over react and do tend to over react. 

Yes like when I look back when she confided me she did say to me “ I don’t have to tell you but I am” so obviously if she was doing anything wrong she’d keep it a secret surely. I was foolish and reacted wrongly. But I must say she did also say like men do come up to the car and try talk to her etc so obviously I’m going to have worry there. 
 

 

[JTSW]

29 minutes ago, JB96x said:

But I must say she did also say like men do come up to the car and try talk to her etc so obviously I’m going to have worry there. 

So if any male tried to talk to her you would worry?

That's very controlling. 

She also can't control who tries to talk to her.

If she doesn't do anything then what is there to worry about?

[Alpacalia]

It seems like your reactions toward her are somewhat impulsive in nature, OP, and you have a tendency to act fast.

A bit of impetuosity can also be seen in jumping to huge leaps. 

Could it be you who's up to no good?

One thing is if there is a legitimate concern and a discussion about it, and another is to just be accused of cheating. That must have come from somewhere...

Edited November 30, 2022 by Alpacalia

[glows]

5 hours ago, JB96x said:

Yes I understand what you’re saying. Some good points and no obviously I don’t like bringing religion or culture into things hence why I never mentioned it in my original post but it’s just the truth been a Muslim girl is totally different to been a non Muslim girl. 

If you were in a long standing relationship and for many years it would make sense why you’re as upset and seeking answers. You only just met a handful of dates earlier which makes no sense why you overreacted and accused her or spoke out about her friends. 

She specifically told you she no longer sees you the same way/doesn’t feel the same about you and she’s not speaking to you. Being of a certain religion or culture does not give a person license to act possessive and accuse someone of meeting other men when you’ve just met. She can do as she pleases and she has while no longer having anything to do with you. It’s better to acknowledge your actions and that it was wildly inappropriate rather than excusing them because women of a certain culture are “different”.

You’re both incompatible so it’s best leaving her alone. 

Edited November 30, 2022 by glows

[JB96x]

10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

There is a bit of impulsiveness in your reactions towards her, OP.

A bit of impetuosity can also be seen in jumping to huge leaps. 

Could it be you who's up to no good?

One thing is if there is a legitimate concern and a discussion about it, and another is to just be accused of cheating. That must have come from somewhere...

I didn’t bluntly accuse her of cheating as we wasn’t together so I couldn’t anyway lol but I just made a few remarks.
The first instance was when we was on call together and things weren’t going the best as I felt she was been a bit off anyway she kept cutting the call off because someone was calling her. Like an absolute fool I lost my head and accused her of basically calling another boy when it wasn’t the case. 

But this isn’t because I’m controlling or possessive I was just so scared of her leaving and going for someone else and by this I did it all myself by pushing her away 
 

 

[JB96x]

27 minutes ago, glows said:

If you were in a long standing relationship and for many years it would make sense why you’re as upset and seeking answers. You only just met a handful of dates earlier which makes no sense why you overreacted and accused her or spoke out about her friends. 

She specifically told you she no longer sees you the same way/doesn’t feel the same about you and she’s not speaking to you. Being of a certain religion or culture does not give a person license to act possessive and accuse someone of meeting other men when you’ve just met. She can do as she pleases and she has while no longer having anything to do with you. It’s better to acknowledge your actions and that it was wildly inappropriate rather than excusing them because women of a certain culture are “different”.

You’re both incompatible so it’s best leaving her alone. 

No I totally understand that and it sounds bad and you won’t understand unless you’re a Muslim. 
A Muslim women should not be driving about early hours in the morning let alone doing that and interacting with men. Me and her shouldn’t even of been texting or meeting as it’s really bad and not permissible in Islam unless you’re married but we really liked each other, a women is not supposed to even show any flesh or take pictures and put it online in Islam I never said anything about that btw but I’m just saying it’s a strict religion and not a joke. I just tried guiding her as her actions were not acceptable at all in Islam but I never meant to come across as controlling or anything. 
I wanted us to grow together and become better Muslims together but it all went to sh*t and here I am heart broken

Edited November 30, 2022 by JB96x

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, JB96x said:

But this isn’t because I’m controlling or possessive I was just so scared of her leaving and going for someone else and by this I did it all myself by pushing her away 

She blocked you? You need to let go. You have insight into your possessive controlling behaviors so focus on addressing that so you don't mess up future relationships.

[glows]

5 minutes ago, JB96x said:

I wanted us to grow together and become better Muslims together but it all went to sh*t and here I am heart broken

She may disagree with you still regardless of her religion. I understand very clearly what you’re saying but she doesn’t agree with you.

Her thoughts and values do not agree with yours and neither do her priorities. Unfortunately you’ve made this about Islam and assumed you were doing both of you a favour. It isn’t about Islam. This is about her expressing herself and showing you how incompatible you are. Instead of accepting that she is not like you you had insisted she behave another way that “good” people of that group behave. 

It’s better to end it politely and walk away instead of forcing someone to be what you think they should be.

[Alpacalia]

17 minutes ago, JB96x said:

The first instance was when we was on call together and things weren’t going the best as I felt she was been a bit off anyway she kept cutting the call off because someone was calling her. Like an absolute fool I lost my head and accused her of basically calling another boy when it wasn’t the case. 

Eerie. Sounds so much like someone I dated.

Even if it was a male. How about a male friend? Would you restrict her male friends?

18 minutes ago, JB96x said:

But this isn’t because I’m controlling or possessive I was just so scared of her leaving and going for someone else and by this I did it all myself by pushing her away 

Yes, it is controlling. In your own words, "I was afraid she would leave."

You're going to have to own that.

Where does that fear come from?

These fear responses are still with you, and the fear is completely dependent on them. 

Try to see those events from a different perspective, see who or what you are blaming for the past.