Bad relationships (or lack of) and loneliness

[mortensorchid]

It took me a long time to accept certain things like this, maybe it is with others.  My shrink was telling me that loneliness is at an all time high, the suicide rates are high because people have never been more isolated and sad as they are now.  Why?  Well I really don't know, except for things that I have seen in the past leading up to this.  

I didn't know this when I was a kid, but do now : Once certain periods of your life come to an end (you leave jobs, you leave / graduate from schools, you leave projects / organizations, you move, you break up with someone, etc), so do your relationships with those that you formed around them.  If you didn't have things like social networking / the internet, then you would have no idea what those people were / are doing with themselves.  And, that's that.  What do people do to combat loneliness?  Not much.

You reach out to others from your past wanting to make a connection or form a network with someone, they reject you or don't even bother to respond to you.  You join in on alumni activities from the school(s) you attended, no one comes.  You join in on things in the community, hardly anyone shows up for or participates in that either.  You go out on internet dates, you never hear a word from that person ever again after you meet even if you felt that you really had a good time.  And people wonder how and why it is that they can't connect to others and that they aren't having a good time.  

But, I also acknowledge that people can and do change, life goes on, and things are more fast paced than they were before.  This is life and this is just how it is, and we have to accept that.  And I accept it.  Am I happy?  I'm okay with it. 

Do people not care?  I went back to my old elementary school for an all class reunion over the summer and saw someone I went to junior high school with.  SHe and I hadn't seen or talked to each other in at least 30 years, we had a catch up.  I said it just must be in my DNA to be a caring person, I care about the time we spent here but others do not.  And if one person cares, that's a success.  If no one cares, then no one cares and it's a failure.  

Just a train of thought I guess.  

[FMW]

I don't think it's that they don't care, it's just that life moves on, people move, get involved with their spouses, children and jobs.  Along the way they also make new friends that they see often and that are involved in their current situations in life.  Regularly reaching out to people from the past requires extra work and it unfortunately falls by the wayside with everything else going on.

I've lived in many different places over the years, across long distances.  I have great memories of all the friends I had along the way.  But the reality for me, and a lot of people, is that once someone isn't regularly in your current environment, keeping in close contact doesn't happen.

 

 

[basil67]

I think it depends on the person.  My husband stayed close mates with one workmate from 30 years ago and another from 25 years ago.  They are all now working together and play golf all the time.    Meanwhile, he got introduced to some old guys who were looking for a bass player and he's now in his first band at age 61

My closest friends are school mums who I met when our kids were little.  It's become more difficult now that one has moved away, but we did a road trip on the weekend to visit her...and stay in contact via text and phone. 

I joined a resident's action group in my street and now know everyone in the street and a handful from a few streets over.  We have coffees, Xmas drinks, parties.  Sometimes it's hard to walk up the street without having a conversation 

Yesterday I met two new friends.  I enjoy dressmaking but there aren't many of us around.  So and reached out on FB to ask if there were any other mums in the community who also sew and I ended up meeting two lovely ladies yesterday morning.  We all got on really well and the hours past by without us noticing.  I'm sure we'll stay in touch as friends and to help each other with advice or helping with fittings.   I'm also on the peripheral of two other rather large crafting groups who meet regularly.  I'm sure I could get more deeply involved with both, but there are time constraints on my end.  

Of course it's not always going to work.  I met a very nice woman at a party recently and we met for coffee afterwards because she wanted to pick my brain regarding some disability stuff.  I thought we got on great and that I'd made a new friend, I followed up by emailing more links and *crickets* .  Oh well...

The people are out there.  I wonder if you're doing the "James Bond" face that you've talked about before.  If your face is deadpan and they can't read you, they won't warm to you

Edited November 29, 2022 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

Possible answers to this question fall into two categories. The first is that the people you want to be friends with are open to the idea, but you could go about it better. The second is that the people you're going after aren't interested in a friendship.

I've seen a lot of good threads from you Morten.

It's not often that I see you engage back.

I'm not sure if that translates into real life. 

Human beings want to feel connected to other people.

I'm sorry you've been dealing with the same thing. It's hard to face because, at least from my perspective, it doesn't seem to happen to other people that I observe. Somehow they just make conversation, and both people listen and contribute. 

What are your interactions with people like, especially in person? Do you try to genuinely connect with them? Do you share things about yourself and do they share things about themselves? Or do you just stick to polite small talk? What sort of skill(s)/hobby(s)/talent(s) do you have? Do they relate to other people’s interests? Could they benefit others?

If you don't give people the opportunity to show you their value, they're not going to feel seen and enjoyed for who they are, which is something everyone wants. 

[mortensorchid]

I have reached the point in life where I don't need to be validated by a group and am actually quite a loner by nature.  I am private or fairly private now.  I have learned to keep people at a certain distance now because of how others have lashed out at me.  I just moved on from things in the past and that's how it is.  

Happy?  Yes I am.  I am practical and work a lot to make money.  But I am continually blown away by how lonely some people are.  I was in the past but I am not now.  Observations...

[basil67]

1 hour ago, mortensorchid said:

I have reached the point in life where I don't need to be validated by a group

Why do you use the term "validation"?   Sure, when someone leans on a friend for support, that friend may validate the person's feelings....but friendship isn't about validation as a whole. 

With regards to friends lashing out, quite often (but not always) it is a direct result of our own behaviour. It's really important to examine what went wrong and be really honest with ourselves in regards to what provoked them.  I'll be honest and say that on the odd time someone has lashed out at me, I could see their point and rather than avoiding having more friends, I've worked to address that issue so that I become a better person.  Growing and learning is such an important part of life

 

Edited November 29, 2022 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Happy?  Yes I am.  I am practical and work a lot to make money.  But I am continually blown away by how lonely some people are.  I was in the past but I am not now.  Observations...

That's great OP. You do have to enjoy your own company. Just try to tune out the negativity. 

Edited November 29, 2022 by Alpacalia

[glows]

Your first post was about lukewarm or lack of response type of one and done interactions. Your last post was alluding to people lashing out. That’s quite a huge gap. 

I agree that most people are busy with their lives and there are plenty of fairweather friends/people who drop in when they need something or need an ear.

I’m sorry to hear that the meet ups have been disappointing but it’s also not the be all and end all. Being comfortable on your own is just as important and if you’re getting fulfillment out of your days in what you do, stay motivated and make the most out of it. 

It is never ok for someone to lash out or throw a temper or be hostile towards you. That speaks volumes about lack of control and it has less to do with you than it does with them. Be mindful of your own thoughts and actions but avoid individuals like this. I have no respect for anyone who lashes out.

Edited November 29, 2022 by glows

[Els]

18 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Do people not care?  I went back to my old elementary school for an all class reunion over the summer and saw someone I went to junior high school with.  SHe and I hadn't seen or talked to each other in at least 30 years, we had a catch up.  I said it just must be in my DNA to be a caring person, I care about the time we spent here but others do not. 

If you care that much about these people, then why have you not seen or talked to this person in 30 years?

Friendships and relationships need to be fostered. You can't just expect people to "care" because you shared a high school, if you haven't talked to them for 30 years. You need to nurture these things if you want to form long-lasting connections. If you choose to live an introverted life and to keep your distance from people, that's a totally valid choice, but of course you will be lonely. It is a choice that you make.

A good (happy and healthy) LTR does help, but it is not the end-all-be-all. I have single friends who are happy, connected, and not lonely. Similarly, I know some (not all) married people who are extremely lonely, because they aren't compatible with their spouse and made no effort to nurture friendships.

[Alpacalia]

Sometimes people lash out from time-to-time due to past trauma or they feel hurt.

We can't expect everyone to be perfect.

I’m sure you can recall a time when you got frustrated with someone. Remember what it feels like to be in that situation yourself. Have a little empathy. That self-awareness and understanding is what will stop the situation from escalating.

 

[mark clemson]

Nostalgia can be nice/fun, but in a world of competing priorities (such as kids, spouse, NEW friends, finances, work, etc, etc) I think it tends to take a back seat.

As an adult I suspect it's fairly rare that nostalgia alone is the basis for a strong friendship. There are probably exceptions AND people who have remained friends (which isn't the exact same thing). I think shared interests (sometimes simply including an interest in "socializing") are what tends to drive new friendships among adults.

And of course some folks make new friends more easily than others, and some are quicker to "discard" friends than others as well.

I've contacted some old friends over the years. The ones who responded were friendly and interested in "how I turned out" + willing to share their info. But it wasn't more than "catching up" and essentially fizzled out after that. (And I didn't really have strong expectations beyond that TBH.)

Edited November 29, 2022 by mark clemson

[mortensorchid]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Nostalgia can be nice/fun, but in a world of competing priorities (such as kids, spouse, NEW friends, finances, work, etc, etc) I think it tends to take a back seat.

As an adult I suspect it's fairly rare that nostalgia alone is the basis for a strong friendship. There are probably exceptions AND people who have remained friends (which isn't the exact same thing). I think shared interests (sometimes simply including an interest in "socializing") are what tends to drive new friendships among adults.

And of course some folks make new friends more easily than others, and some are quicker to "discard" friends than others as well.

I've contacted some old friends over the years. The ones who responded were friendly and interested in "how I turned out" + willing to share their info. But it wasn't more than "catching up" and essentially fizzled out after that. (And I didn't really have strong expectations beyond that TBH.)

This is what it was/is for me.  I let nostalgia get in the way of reality in many ways with relationships with people in the past.  But, I am now happier and in a good place now that I let go of this.  There is a part of me that is rather sentimental, I fell out with two childhood friends over the fact that I was holding onto our relationship for the sake of nostalgia, they were not good people.  But I moved on and am better adjusted now.