Ex still has photo of me on his socials.

[basil67]

19 hours ago, truelovewinsall23 said:

I was showing him my friends engagement video that she sent to me and I was like awww isn’t that so beautiful. You better do something like that but I’m a joking way and maybe he picked it up wrong? 

That’s why I was willing to meet and talk because if it was something as silly as him getting freaked out I could have discussed it with him. I know it wasn’t but that’s why I wanted to meet but ended doing no contact to try break the pain 

I missed this.  

Did he ever talk about his views on marriage?  Did he ever talk about marrying you one day?  

 

[truelovewinsall23]

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

When he said "incompatible", he clarified with the fact that you were talking about marriage, showing him proposal and engagement videos, etc and he did not feel on the same page with that. Everyone knows these are not so subtle hints.

Either way, you dodged a bullet. You two were completely incompatible in your goals.

You were pushing for commitment and proposals and he was talking about wanting to be free.

Sadly he got nasty to push you away because you kept wanting answers, even though your questions were asked and answered several times.

 

I never pushed for answers, I asked him if he would like to talk about it, and see if we could resolve it and he said those nasty things even though I wasn’t begging or pleading. I was just trying to understand where his head was at. 
 

I said it to him; I’m mature enough to understand that people can fall out of love or decide that they don’t want to be together and I’d like to talk it out to see where we went wrong if not even for us but for future relationships. 
 

He once planned the big night for the two of us, I honestly thought he was going to propose I told him that after and that if he ever wanted to I wasn’t ready to do it yet. Maybe that sent alarm bells in his head but I told him I wasn’t ready if he ever thought about doing it soon. 

[truelovewinsall23]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I missed this.  

Did he ever talk about his views on marriage?  Did he ever talk about marrying you one day?  

 

Yes he talked about marrying, said he had an idea of how and where he would propose, I was helping plan a friends wedding and he said oh I can’t wait to see what ours would be like. 

He also mentioned buying a house together and so on.

Now I don’t know if this is of any importance but I helped plan 3 wedding for my friends one in August, September and October. So I in wedding planning mode, I did say all this wedding planning and organising put me off getting married jokingly and that if we where to ever do it I’d just elope. 

Maybe and just a maybe but because he saw me planning these weddings and I would discuss things about the wedding to him, choices of flowers etc. I never discussed like I was alluding to ours just more asking his opinion sharing thoughts on the bride and grooms choices etc 

[glows]

A lot of this would have been harmless if he was was onboard with you in marriage. He decided it wasn’t for him in the end.

From the way things ended it doesn’t sound like he respected you at all and things got worse when you wanted more of a discussion. He didn’t want to discuss it with you and that needs to be respected too.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, truelovewinsall23 said:

I was just trying to understand where his head was at. I’d like to talk it out to see where we went wrong if not even for us but for future relationships. 
Maybe that sent alarm bells in his head but I told him I wasn’t ready if he ever thought about doing it soon. 

Agree. Your emphasis on weddings and proposals set off alarm bells. He does not owe you a postmortem relationship discussion so you can use that info in future relationships. 

Hopefully you have deleted and blocked him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps, so you are not drawn into all that background noise.

Keep in mind, this is him. It won't be your next man or relationship so what he thinks it essentially irrelevant. Sadly,  begging for answers and analyses comes across as the barging stage of grief.  Focus on letting go, not holding on.

Edited November 30, 2022 by Wiseman2

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, truelovewinsall23 said:

 

He once planned the big night for the two of us, I honestly thought he was going to propose I told him that after and that if he ever wanted to I wasn’t ready to do it yet. Maybe that sent alarm bells in his head but I told him I wasn’t ready if he ever thought about doing it soon. 

If you want to bring up engagement or marriage scenarios with a man you are dating,  right then and there you've pushed the relationship to a place where he is either going to acknowledge (even to himself only) that he is thinking of marrying you - or that he's definitely not.  

It's not wrong to do that, even if it brings about a breakup.   If you hope a relationship has potential to lead to marriage, you are correct to learn whether the guy is on the same page.  That's taking care of yourself.   Unfortunately, when you do this, your relationship will probably end if the man is not seeing it leading to  marriage.   He SHOULD end it then, rather than going forward knowing that he is not ever marrying you.  

It's a fine line, really.   I cringe when I read about women talking to men they are dating about engagement rings, possible proposals. etc. because I feel like it is often wildly inappropriate given the real life parameters of the relationship.   On the other hand, it's wrong for a person who is goal-oriented to marriage to pretend that they aren't.  That's being untrue to oneself.  

[truelovewinsall23]

3 hours ago, glows said:

A lot of this would have been harmless if he was was onboard with you in marriage. He decided it wasn’t for him in the end.

From the way things ended it doesn’t sound like he respected you at all and things got worse when you wanted more of a discussion. He didn’t want to discuss it with you and that needs to be respected too.

 

 

I agree, that's why I didn't beg or cry or do any of that sad stuff. I told him I will be mature enough to except his decision to end the relationship and I did. I might have been over reading into things on the other bits, social media etc but I never spoke to him or texted or reacted to his socials.  

[truelovewinsall23]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. Your emphasis on weddings and proposals set off alarm bells. He does not owe you a postmortem relationship discussion so you can use that info in future relationships. 

Hopefully you have deleted and blocked him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps, so you are not drawn into all that background noise.

Keep in mind, this is him. It won't be your next man or relationship so what he thinks it essentially irrelevant. Sadly,  begging for answers and analyses comes across as the barging stage of grief.  Focus on letting go, not holding on.

I agree, I was trying so hard reading into things that didn't matter but that was because I was so willing for it to work out. 

[Acacia98]

On 11/28/2022 at 6:50 PM, truelovewinsall23 said:

I just find it so odd why he hasn't removed it as it is a couple photo. Like I get not deleting your photos but my ex rarely ever posted and his most recent one is one of the two of us cuddled together at a friends wedding. Especially given he said how much he didn't like the photo but liked how happy we where in it. 

(...)

Like even yesterday I saw his stories and he was posting about loosing an earphone. Stupid but it was our inside joke I always teased him about it. It was like it was posted for me to see. 

Due to what I've observed over the years, I tend to be skeptical about people who act this way. If I had to guess, I'd say he wanted to keep you around, not as a relationship partner, but as someone to give him an ego boost and maybe have casual sex with occasionally. 

Don't make the mistake of convincing yourself he wants to be with you. Someone who wants to be with you does not break up with you in the first place, or if he makes the mistake of breaking up with you, he tries to fix it by unambiguously expressing a desire to reconcile. Someone who sends you cryptic messages by leaving a picture up and posting an inside joke is basically just manipulating you because he knows you're sentimental.

Do yourself the kindness of unfollowing or unfriending or blocking or staying off social media (whichever is best for your emotional health) so that you don't notice these things and don't waste your emotional energy wondering what they could mean.

Edited November 30, 2022 by Acacia98

[truelovewinsall23]

19 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

If you want to bring up engagement or marriage scenarios with a man you are dating,  right then and there you've pushed the relationship to a place where he is either going to acknowledge (even to himself only) that he is thinking of marrying you - or that he's definitely not.  

It's not wrong to do that, even if it brings about a breakup.   If you hope a relationship has potential to lead to marriage, you are correct to learn whether the guy is on the same page.  That's taking care of yourself.   Unfortunately, when you do this, your relationship will probably end if the man is not seeing it leading to  marriage.   He SHOULD end it then, rather than going forward knowing that he is not ever marrying you.  

It's a fine line, really.   I cringe when I read about women talking to men they are dating about engagement rings, possible proposals. etc. because I feel like it is often wildly inappropriate given the real life parameters of the relationship.   On the other hand, it's wrong for a person who is goal-oriented to marriage to pretend that they aren't.  That's being untrue to oneself.  

I get that, however he joked about it too.  It wasn't just me I feel like I need to reiterate that. He was the one who showed me photos of wedding rings he thought I would like, he was also the one who wanted to know my ring size. He actually told me he had a note of my ring size - He also told me he knew where he was going to propose. We where discussing engagements, it was not a are you going to propose to me talk just more general and he said he knew exactly where he wanted to propose to me, he said it would just be us too and he didn't know when he was going to do it.  - I did not force him to say that he done that himself. - He could have said I haven't thought much about it etc and I would be been fine about it.

It annoys me that I am being blamed for mentioning wedding and engagements when I was just feeding off what he was doing as well. 

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, truelovewinsall23 said:

It annoys me that I am being blamed for mentioning wedding and engagements when I was just feeding off what he was doing as well. 

NuevoYorko wasn't blaming you for mentioning wedding and engagements he was trying to school you about men's thoughts on that conversation so you'll know going forward.

[NuevoYorko]

Men rarely get excited about wedding planning ... I can't even imagine fantasizing about what a wedding ceremony would be like.  I know not every guy is like me but that actually made me laugh. 

Regardless, this guy told you in his breakup text that he was not ready to be serious and that's the final word.

I am baffled by this raging trend here on LS of people trying desperately to find "secret hidden meanings"  concealed within inconsequential things.

This guy was very clear with you about his reason for ending your relationship.  Yet you will not hear that; instead, you choose to fixate on a picture that remains on his SM,  on some hearsay from a person who is not him,  his evident proximity on a dating app ... 

And not only was he clear about why he broke it off,  he then behaved like a complete bottom feeder by attacking your physical appearance.  

Bottom line:  You just need to LISTEN to what people tell you and ATTEND to how people treat you.   A picture on FB or wherever would not supersede a clear breakup OR a person outing themselves as an absolute creep by trashing you like he did.   

I hope you stop stalking and trying to rewrite what happened into something that has a fairytale ending.  You need to do everything you can to purge him from your mind.  What is on his social media should not be on your radar.  Better times are ahead.  Not with him.  

[truelovewinsall23]

6 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Men rarely get excited about wedding planning ... I can't even imagine fantasizing about what a wedding ceremony would be like.  I know not every guy is like me but that actually made me laugh. 

Regardless, this guy told you in his breakup text that he was not ready to be serious and that's the final word.

I am baffled by this raging trend here on LS of people trying desperately to find "secret hidden meanings"  concealed within inconsequential things.

This guy was very clear with you about his reason for ending your relationship.  Yet you will not hear that; instead, you choose to fixate on a picture that remains on his SM,  on some hearsay from a person who is not him,  his evident proximity on a dating app ... 

And not only was he clear about why he broke it off,  he then behaved like a complete bottom feeder by attacking your physical appearance.  

Bottom line:  You just need to LISTEN to what people tell you and ATTEND to how people treat you.   A picture on FB or wherever would not supersede a clear breakup OR a person outing themselves as an absolute creep by trashing you like he did.   

I hope you stop stalking and trying to rewrite what happened into something that has a fairytale ending.  You need to do everything you can to purge him from your mind.  What is on his social media should not be on your radar.  Better times are ahead.  Not with him.  

 

I should mention I have blocked him - I'm not waiting around or anything like that. The reason I mentioned the wedding stuff and things is just to highlight that I wasn't the only one discussing it as it makes me sound like a crazy person. 

From a mans perspective and it might help me with future relationships down the line why would a man keep note of your ring size, or have a proposal somewhat planned and even asking for rings id like. Is this a case of keeping someone sweet? This isnt aimed at looking into what my ex said with hope hes blocked and was an ass at end I dont plan on going back there.

I am just curious about that question

[glows]

I’m guessing he thought about it (marrying you or being married) at some point but ultimately decided against it. I’ve only ever been with partners who wanted to marry (they were men) and I have never felt a desire for it (I’m female). My ex husband was quite involved in the planning. I had joked about leaving an appointment for something mid-way and he convinced me to stay for it. There’s some other perspective for you.

Based on what you know now and considering the fall out it’s best that you do have him blocked and the question about marriage was answered by him quite thoroughly.

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, truelovewinsall23 said:

He was the one who showed me photos of wedding rings he thought I would like, he was also the one who wanted to know my ring size. He actually told me he had a note of my ring size - He also told me he knew where he was going to propose.

You dodged a bullet. A lot of this is string-along talk. A size, a pic of a ring is not a proposal. Talking about things is not doing things.

[NuevoYorko]

8 minutes ago, truelovewinsall23 said:

 

From a mans perspective and it might help me with future relationships down the line why would a man keep note of your ring size, or have a proposal somewhat planned and even asking for rings id like. Is this a case of keeping someone sweet?

Now your narrative has changed and you're saying that you two were close to being engaged.  Below is your first mention of marriage talk, in response to being asked whether you were pushing for it:

 

On 11/29/2022 at 6:50 AM, truelovewinsall23 said:

No not at all, I joked about marriage with him and I said if that freaked you out that I won’t do it again and he said he didn’t mind it. He even went as far as saying he has thought about our proposal so I didn’t see an issue or see him as freaked out by it. 
 

You initiated by "joking" but for some reason felt that maybe you were freaking him out.    Obviously you had a reason for that.  

From a man's perspective ... I would like to hear this from his point of view.  I can't help but think that you were asking leading questions  and "joking" about engagements, rings, venues,  and all that stuff, throughout your relationship.  He was just kind of going along with you because he wasn't ready to get engaged with you or to break it off.  That's what I would expect to hear from your ex.  It's SUPER common for men to have this experience with girlfriends or even women they are dating.  

 Conversations of all kinds can be very easy to lead.     But, when he realized that for sure he was never going to marry you, he needed to move on.

The fact is that men do not really tend to fantasize about glorious weddings, romantic proposals and rings with their girlfriends.  If people are going to get married,  and it's decided between the two of them,  that's when the guy usually might get interested.   

This is a generalization.   There are exceptions.

If he wanted to propose and buy you a ring ... that is what he would have done, unless he was on that track at one point and then decided that it was not where he wanted to go with you.  That happens.  People thing that they are with their future spouse and as time goes on they learn that it's not the right fit.

'

[truelovewinsall23]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You dodged a bullet. A lot of this is string-along talk. A size, a pic of a ring is not a proposal. Talking about things is not doing things.

I think so, I think he might've cared a bit but wanted to string me along until he got bored or someone caught his eyes more. But I do think maybe I did dodge a bullet. His friends where once making racist comment and he was laughing along, when we where in private I told him I didn't apricate the racial slurs, these weren't aimed at me or anything but I thought it was very immature to be making comments like they where in this day and age. And left it at that.... a few weeks later and it was thrown back in my face because I pulled him up on it. 

Its so funny how clearly you can see once the haze has disappeared. 

[truelovewinsall23]

5 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Now your narrative has changed and you're saying that you two were close to being engaged.  Below is your first mention of marriage talk, in response to being asked whether you were pushing for it:

 

You initiated by "joking" but for some reason felt that maybe you were freaking him out.    Obviously you had a reason for that.  

From a man's perspective ... I would like to hear this from his point of view.  I can't help but think that you were asking leading questions  and "joking" about engagements, rings, venues,  and all that stuff, throughout your relationship.  He was just kind of going along with you because he wasn't ready to get engaged with you or to break it off.  That's what I would expect to hear from your ex.  It's SUPER common for men to have this experience with girlfriends or even women they are dating.  

 Conversations of all kinds can be very easy to lead.     But, when he realized that for sure he was never going to marry you, he needed to move on.

The fact is that men do not really tend to fantasize about glorious weddings, romantic proposals and rings with their girlfriends.  If people are going to get married,  and it's decided between the two of them,  that's when the guy usually might get interested.   

This is a generalization.   There are exceptions.

If he wanted to propose and buy you a ring ... that is what he would have done, unless he was on that track at one point and then decided that it was not where he wanted to go with you.  That happens.  People thing that they are with their future spouse and as time goes on they learn that it's not the right fit.

'

Never close to engagement - I am explaining that he mentioned the ring and proposal and so. 

I initiated if you propose to me you better do it like that. 

I should also mention I was no where near ready to get engaged either. We also discussed buying a house his idea... doesn't mean we where going to do that. 

I am going back to wisemans quote and I do think he was stringing me along to point. Maybe he did want to marry me and something happened, maybe I done something that I am unware of or someone else caught his eye who knows but i think if someone wants to know your ring size maybe, then maybe they where just as interested in the idea of marriage as I was. 

I am not going back fyi lol 

[glows]

10 minutes ago, truelovewinsall23 said:

I am not going back fyi lol 

Good idea.

I doubt he was stringing you along and not sure if that’s what anyone else meant.

You’re in the process of letting go so don’t hold any resentment there. He hurt you with his comments. No matter how frustrated a person is resorting to those comments about your looks is just plain juvenile. 

I do think you’ve dodged a bullet.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, truelovewinsall23 said:

I get that, however he joked about it too.  It wasn't just me I feel like I need to reiterate that. He was the one who showed me photos of wedding rings he thought I would like, he was also the one who wanted to know my ring size. He actually told me he had a note of my ring size - He also told me he knew where he was going to propose. We where discussing engagements, it was not a are you going to propose to me talk just more general and he said he knew exactly where he wanted to propose to me, he said it would just be us too and he didn't know when he was going to do it.  - I did not force him to say that he done that himself. - He could have said I haven't thought much about it etc and I would be been fine about it.

So HE is the one who further discussed marriage (after your joke that he participated in), showing you rings, telling you where he will propose, etc. etc?

Then turns around and breaks up with you because he's not ready for marriage?  Referring to what he said in his break up text. 

Sounds like HE freaked himself out. 

Let it go.  Like I said, one (in this case you) could drive themselves bonkers trying to make sense of it all. 

Block, delete, move on, that's all you can do. 

Edited November 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, truelovewinsall23 said:

 

I should mention I have blocked him - I'm not waiting around or anything like that. The reason I mentioned the wedding stuff and things is just to highlight that I wasn't the only one discussing it as it makes me sound like a crazy person. 

From a mans perspective and it might help me with future relationships down the line why would a man keep note of your ring size, or have a proposal somewhat planned and even asking for rings id like. Is this a case of keeping someone sweet? This isnt aimed at looking into what my ex said with hope hes blocked and was an ass at end I dont plan on going back there.

I am just curious about that question

I've been engaged once, it was an unexpected proposal (on top of the Empire State Building) without any mention or discussion about it from either of us beforehand, so I was not expecting it in the least. I think perhaps your ex may have just been testing to see how receptive you are to the whole concept of marriage? Perhaps in your shoes, I would not have made the jump to marriage with the intent to ‘play house‘, but with the incentive of building the relationship towards finalizing that deeper commitment.

Not based on the assumption.

Eventually, the blinders have to come off: If someone talks about marriage but feels that marriage is not necessary, he/she probably doesn't care about the other's aspirations or unmet expectations because he/she is already getting everything they want out of the relationship. Until they're not.

What can you do about it going forward?  Sometimes, nothing.

Relationships sometimes just reach their natural endpoint. Lives change, people change.

The idea that you'll still make each other happy for the rest of your lives despite these changes is unrealistic.

Sometimes, it's just the end. It's over. And that's OK.

Edited December 1, 2022 by Alpacalia

[truelovewinsall23]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I've been engaged once, it was an unexpected proposal (on top of the Empire State Building) without any mention or discussion about it from either of us beforehand, so I was not expecting it in the least. I think perhaps your ex may have just been testing to see how receptive you are to the whole concept of marriage? Perhaps in your shoes, I would not have made the jump to marriage with the intent to ‘play house‘, but with the incentive of building the relationship towards finalizing that deeper commitment.

Not based on the assumption.

Eventually, the blinders have to come off: If someone talks about marriage but feels that marriage is not necessary, he/she probably doesn't care about the other's aspirations or unmet expectations because he/she is already getting everything they want out of the relationship. Until they're not.

What can you do about it going forward?  Sometimes, nothing.

Relationships sometimes just reach their natural endpoint. Lives change, people change.

The idea that you'll still make each other happy for the rest of your lives despite these changes is unrealistic.

Sometimes, it's just the end. It's over. And that's OK.

You explained that in a lovely way, thank you  

Maybe I gave the impression of playing house and that's something I will need to work on in the future so I don't do it in any other relationships down the line. 

It's funny I think there might have been manipulation involved. I was looking back on the relationship and it wasn't me thinking about what I could have done differently, I was to understand what I shouldn't do in the future and one thing I realised he had similarities to me previous ex. He Cheated on me but would plan and say all these amazing things and because of that I didn't suspect anything until I did and caught him cheating. 

I was going through photos and deleting them on my phone when I came across a screenshot he sent me and guess what.... There was a tinder notification in the top part of the screen. I didn't spot it at the time.  So I guess that explains it all. He was looking for my replacement while we where together. The screenshot was sent to me about 2 days before we split so it makes sense why he got nasty and mean it was because he probably wanted me to leave and not come back. 

He also used to have Facebook, he told me he deleted it a few weeks ago and he did, but yesterday I saw he reactivated it as he posted. The same with Snapchat. He deleted it a few weeks ago and guess what, he undeleted it. Its all so bizarre when I think about it. Why delete all those things and then undelete them when single. Am I mad in thinking it was probaly deleted as he didnt want me to see something?

And now A girl he follows and follows him is looking at my stories. - I have no idea why. He is still blocked but the follower looking at my account I know he follows and follows him not sure how I know it lol I think I saw her comment on a pic of his or something. 

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, truelovewinsall23 said:

And now A girl he follows and follows him is looking at my stories. - 

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.  

[truelovewinsall23]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.  

I did block my ex. This person doesn't even follow me, they where just being nosey I am guessing. That or she was checking to see if I was posting me ex. Its a little odd that after we broke up she is looking at my stories. Unless she spoke to my ex and he said we broke up so she is checking it. I don't know but it's a little odd. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, truelovewinsall23 said:

I did block my ex. This person doesn't even follow me, they where just being nosey I am guessing. 

Limit who can see your content. That way all this peripheral noise of his is not intruding on your peace and happiness.