BaileyB Posted November 28, 2022 Posted November 28, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, LemonPie said: The worse thing is that this whole pushing and pulling makes me even more drawn to him, and I know that that is not healthy. Look up intermittent reinforcement - that’s what keeps many people in an affair. 5 hours ago, LemonPie said: I feel like this affair makes me super unstable, I feel like I am constantly feeling extremely good or extremely bad, often based on how often we see each other or how he treats me (I am chronically depressed) This affair is probably your coping strategy of choice - some may chose exercise, others alcohol, or drugs, you get your hit every time you see your affair partner… You hyperfocus on him and avoid other things. 5 hours ago, LemonPie said: He always treated me with respect. If he treated you with respect he wouldn’t have sex with you and then leave to go home to his wife. 5 hours ago, LemonPie said: She seems quite possessive (for everything he needs her permission) and calls him multiple times a day, especially when he is on a business trip (sometimes I wonder if she just doesn't trust him, but I guess there is a valid reason for that You think? This is just so typical of an affair. He tells you that his wife of mean, possessive, unloving, negligent - because if he told you that she was a good, kind, loving, and devoted wife and mother it would be hard to be carrying on the way you are… right? And the OW says - she calls him all the time, needs to know where he is and what he is doing all the time… well, maybe that’s because you aren’t the first woman to sit in his car while he has been lying to his wife. Maybe she is wise to his ways - she certainly has good reason to question him - don’t you think? Considering he is sneaking around behind her back having sex with another woman? 5 hours ago, LemonPie said: He always tells her he loves her. He never told me. Once he said that love doesn't come from an finite source What does this tell you? First of all, this is typical married man talk - “I have more than enough love to go around…” or “As I love each of my children in their own unique way, I love each of the women in my life in their own unique way…” Still, at the end of the day, she wears his ring, he sleeps in her bed, they share a home and a family and a life together… and he says that he loves her. The rest is just nonsense for your benefit… 5 hours ago, LemonPie said: Often I think that he just uses me and I just enable him. But on the other hand, I use him too Yes, he is using you to provide a little “extra” - attention, affection, excitement, sex. Marriage is boring. Affairs feel good. Until they don’t. And you are using him to meet your need for love, affection, companionship, emotional support. His presence in your life helps to manage the depression and it does not require you to really put yourself out there and find an actual relationship with the a man. There is a lot to be gained for both of you. Until there is not. Only when the pain and heartache of what you are missing becomes more than what you gain when he shines his light in your direction will you actually end this affair. Edited November 28, 2022 by BaileyB 4
mark clemson Posted November 28, 2022 Posted November 28, 2022 Some psychologists do have "agendas" so it might be a good idea to switch eventually, even if it sounds like that may take a while.
Wiseman2 Posted November 28, 2022 Posted November 28, 2022 6 hours ago, LemonPie said: I was still in a relationship and he seemed a bit too old for me. We have been on many dates and he even took me on multiple business trips. Is he your supervisor/boss? He seems predatory expecting sexual favors and company on business trips. If you feel "hypomanic" alternating with "up and downs" and suicidal thoughts, perhaps you need medical treatment in addition to psychological support. See a physician for an evaluation. 1
Bittersweetie Posted November 28, 2022 Posted November 28, 2022 Lemon, for a while I saw a psychologist in order to be on depression medication. Frankly, that doctor was a jerk. He could care less about talk therapy or addressing issues in that way. I had to go to someone else for that kind of therapy. It sounds like you have a lot going on that could lead to you to make the kind of choices that aren't in your best interests. Because being with a married man...especially one in your workplace...is that honestly a healthy decision for you? And why would you put your career in jeopardy over a man...because unfortunately if/when these kind of things come out, it is the woman that takes the brunt of blame. I would suggest a separate therapist to talk through all of the things you are dealing with even outside of the affair. The psychologist is not that person. Maybe you can find someone online that will do a sliding scale cost but I do think it is important to start talking through everything. If you cannot do that right away, here is what I would suggest: start reading books about self-esteem, relationships, affairs. If you get a nugget that makes you think from a book, then it is worth it. Read message boards like this one and others to gain perspective on the affair and the ramifications from one. Journal A LOT...ask yourself questions and keep writing and writing even if it seems silly. As my husband says, keep peeling the onion. You have a lot of onion to peel. I had an affair and these are things I did in addition to therapy. My therapist did not "judge" me. She did ask me questions like why did you think that was okay? How did you feel about that choice? Questions that made me think about and face the choices I'd made and actions I'd taken. The job of a good therapist is to push a client to look closer at their actions and choices and aim to grow and change. Good luck. 3
Jonttu Posted November 29, 2022 Posted November 29, 2022 5 hours ago, Luna66star said: MM is using you. [ ] Right from the start, the best response to his requests for walks and becoming chummy are NO. There is a reason these men are so friendly.Think about it. Do you see other MM in the office striking up friendships with other females? There's a reason they don't. Because they love and are committed to their wife. She is their best friend. Be very suspicious of attached men at work who seem overly friendly. They have a plan and specific targets in mind. You likely felt wanted, desired and flattered. It happened to me. The push and pull is abuse. You're drawn more to him because of this. It keeps you obsessed and trying to figure things out. This is NOT love. It's a game he plays. I sense all of this advice is not making an impact as you are relying on how nice he is to you. I experienced trauma as a child and believed this kind of behavior was normal and was all I deserved. I still work in same office as MM and still think of him at times. BUT I cut off all contact last year, even though I wanted so bad to text or call. Get this ... he's doing the same thing to other single females in our office. He carefully chooses the "really really nice empathetic ones", so they won't get him in trouble with HR. Please find another counselor who will help you work through your trauna and drop this cruel man! Oy, we have the same wannabe-cheaters in our company. All girls know by now, that if a man starts to complain about his wife/marriage, then the best thing is to RUN. Those wannabe-cheaters are always left alone in the company events, because not one woman would even touch them with a pole. But they use the same boring conscript, over an over again. And these men are genuinely happy and deeply in love with their wife and children. 3
Wiseman2 Posted November 29, 2022 Posted November 29, 2022 19 hours ago, LemonPie said: , I was still in a relationship and he seemed a bit too old for me, so I avoided him as much as possible. Unfortunately you went from one bad relationship directly into another. It's unclear what you mean by your therapist is "judgemental" or "unsupportive". It would be difficult to condone going from one self-destructive relationship to another. Since you can't afford another therapist, what you can do is cut this man off. If he threatens your job file a sexual harassment case. 1
JTSW Posted November 29, 2022 Posted November 29, 2022 Ok, lets check in with reality here. He doesn't love you (he's in love with another woman). He doesn't really care about you, he just knows how to work you to keep you invested. I can guarantee that you are not his first affair (even though he probably told you that you are). You are not and never will be his priority because you are not the one he really wants. You are just his dirty little secret but you are so blinded by your feelings for him to see that. Also, wives have a way of always finding out, and when she does, he will drop you in the blink of an eye and not give you another thought (and you know this). He made it clear from the start that he would never leave his wife so that really should have been your cue to not pursue it further. You went into this knowing you are the one that will be left heartbroken at the end of it while he rides off into the sunset with the woman he really loves. I'm baffled why you put yourself through this. I don't blame you, I blame him. You were free and single (and a little vulnerable from a break up) and he took advantage of you. You're not cheating on anyone. He is. You deserver better. You deserve to be loved and cherished. Not used by a married man. 2
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