My story as a mistress

[LemonPie]

Hey y'all,

I am not looking for pity, but I could absolutely use some insights from people with a more neutral perspective towards this than I have.

Quick bg-story on me (maybe it clears up things later in the story,?): I am a 27 yo woman. My childhood was quite rough: first my father abandoned us. My mother couldn't cope with it and reached to drugs. Later, she abandoned us as well and left me. From the age of 17, I have been taking care of myself. However, I have a chronic depression and CPTSD. My first boyfriend was (s-)abusive, but we seperated 8 years ago and I moved to another city after that. After that, I had one other boyfriend for 3 years, but he broke up with me, because he fell in love with someone else. I work fulltime and I absolutely the my job. I think I could be quite attractive, since I always get attention from men, but I don't enjoy sleeping around or kissing strangers, so I am quite inexperienced with men you could say.

I got my job almost 6 years ago. On one of the first days, I already noticed a man there, who I immediately was interested in. I don't think that ever happened to me before like that. However, I was still in a relationship and he seemed a bit too old for me, so I avoided him as much as possible. When we saw each other, he would often flirt with me, but I acted oblivious to that and ignored it (I also noticed his wedding ring.) This went on for a while, and my then-boyfriend broke up with me. The situation at work didn't really change either.... but then Covid happened. Most coworkers would work at home, often this man and me were just alone at work. I had to work at the office, because I couldn''t do most things at home. He told me he worked at the office so he had some relieve from his wife (nothing strange in particular). We would talk more and more often. I realized I became infatuated by him, but I believed it would pass and I really believed I wouldn't do anything with it: I trusted both myself and him that nothing would happen, he was married after all. One day, we decided to go for a walk during the lunch break and he said he wanted to kiss me. I declined and told him that he was married. After that however, I felt like I was in a state of hypomania. In one of the next few days, we discussed it, he said I shouldn't think about it so much and we did end up kissing. It resulted in a full emotional and physical affair for almost 2 years already: not trying to put the blame on him, but every step in this affair was on his terms, I always thought: I cannot do this, because he is married, but he would always be the one opting a new idea, saying it was alright. We have been on many dates and he even took me on multiple business trips. In the beginning already, he told me that he would never leave his wife for me, but I was so infatuated that I could only think short-term and I didn't have any expectations or wishes. But it is not like he is giving me false promisses like often happen in affairs.

I am not proud of this. In fact, I feel guilty towards his wife. I understand that this may be hard to believe, but it's true. There almost hasn't been a day that I don't have nightmares about his wife. It was and is never my intention to hurt her, even though I know my actions will hurt her if she finds out. I feel like this affair makes me super unstable, I feel like I am constantly feeling extremely good or extremely bad, often based on how often we see each other or how he treats me (I am chronically depressed, so my life has always been like this, but I think this affair pushes the highs and lows a little further than usual). The worse thing is that this whole pushing and pulling makes me even more drawn to him, and I know that that is not healthy. In my worst moments, I truly feel like I want to end it all (and then I am not even talking about the affair). I talked about it with my psychologist, but I feel like she is quite judgemental towards my situation. I cannot affort another therapist and the other ones covered by the insurance have waiting lists of 50+ months. So, for now, I am stuck with this one, but she is not really offering me advice. I cannot talk about it to my friends (they would end the friendship if I told them for sure) and I don't have any contact with my family anymore.

I read Dorothy Tennovs book on limerence and I am pretty sure I am limerent too. Even though it often lasts max 3 years, I still feel super limerent after 2.5 years (or maybe even longer?). I know people often say that limerence is not love, but I believe i love him too. I have seen all sides of him even when he was at his worst and I don't think any less of him. I always support him and help him whenever I can.

He always treated me with respect. He supports me in the things I do, he is funny, we laugh a lot, we play games, he fixes my broken objects, he really does a lot for me. We never argue, if we have problems, we discuss it and talk about it. 

Nevertheless, I am unsure of what he exactly thinks of me. I know he loves his wife. If anything, while he sometimes would complain about his wife before the affair, he now keeps talking about her all the time. She seems quite possessive (for everything he needs her permission) and calls him multiple times a day, especially when he is on a business trip (sometimes I wonder if she just doesn't trust him, but I guess there is a valid reason for that, and she doesn't even know, so yeah it alwas makes me feel bad when she calls and I am just waiting as quiet as I can be till the call is over). Often I can hear their conversations (in the car etc), so I know things are fine between them. He always tells her he loves her. He never told me. Once he said that love doesn't come from an finite source, but I am still not sure if he just doesn't love me or doesn't want to admit it. Often I think that he just uses me and I just enable him. But on the other hand, I use him too I guess, I would do anything for his affection.

Soon, he might move abroad, because his wife wants to live closer to her family. I don't expect him to divorce, but it absolutely breaks my heart thinking about it. I know this situation won't last forever, I probably won't be his sidechick for the rest of my life, because this situation is just unsustainable. I have tried to end it before, but then as soon as I see him, it's like I forget how much I am hurt by the situation and then I can't. Everytime I see him, it's like the pain is worth all the good moments. I just don't know what to do when he will also leave me.

I tried dating apps and try to meet new men, just in the hope that I realize that he is not the only fish in the sea and that there are other good or even better men too. I am not trying to replace my affair partner by another man immediatly (it's probably not good to hop into another relationship right after this), but I figured it would be best not to close myself off to other men. However, it just seems like no one comes even close to him. And no, I am not using these men or giving them false hopes, or trying to get free dinners or anything. I don't have any bad intentions with this.

I just don't know what to do. I love my job and it gives me security, so I don't want to go somehwere else just to avoid him. No contact often works best right? On the one hand, I think it might all just end when he moves abroad, but even that is unsure, so what if he doesn't? I really shouldnt have let it come to this point, but I did, because I made very wrong decisions.

Edited November 28, 2022 by LemonPie

[BaileyB]

Welcome.

I’m curious to know if you’ve ever seen a counsellor. Because it seems to me that from your family of origin to this affair, you’ve been in a series of abusive and unhealthy relationships. Sure - he is kind and affectionate with you. But, this is still a very unhealthy and I would suggest kindly, emotionally abusive relationship, you have chosen for yourself. If I was you, I would be really invested in understanding why and trying to heal that…

[LemonPie]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Welcome.

I’m curious to know if you’ve ever seen a counsellor. Because it seems to me that from your family of origin to this affair, you’ve been in a series of abusive and unhealthy relationships. Sure - he is kind and affectionate with you. But, this is still a very unhealthy and I would suggest kindly, emotionally abusive relationship, you have chosen for yourself. If I was you, I would be really invested in understanding why and trying to heal that…

Hi, thanks for the reply, I go to a psychologist, but she seems rather judgemental towards this. I don't think I would be able to afford extra  counselling

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, LemonPie said:

but every step in this affair was on his terms. I am chronically depressed, so my life has always been like this I truly feel like I want to end it all (and then I am not even talking about the affair). I talked about it with my psychologist, but I feel like she is quite judgemental towards my situation. I have seen all sides of him 

Sorry this is happening. It sounds more like sexual harassment than limerence.  He seems quite predatory. Unfortunately you do not know "all sides of him". He has an entire life without you.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. If you feel suicidal, call a mental health hotline to talk so someone who will listen , help and steer you in the right direction.

[glows]

The affair isn’t going to stop miraculously on its own. Relationships end because one person usually puts an end to sex, conversations and talks of the future.

Considering the way he speaks to you and dismisses your concerns, he’s not likely the one to care at all that you feel terrible. For the amount of time you spend together I’m sure he knows how conflicted you are and yet he continues on. It’s strange that you think highly of him.

You don’t seem to have much self-control and that might have to change if you want things to change. 

Have you grown in your career with your company or are you not quite growing at all and comfortable there? I don’t usually recommend leaving work due to a mere break up (career has always come first personally) but if you do find it may be useful to leave and explore other options why not?

[LemonPie]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It sounds more like sexual harassment than limerence.  He seems quite predatory. Unfortunately you do not know "all sides of him". He has an entire life without you.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. If you feel suicidal, call a mental health hotline to talk so someone who will listen , help and steer you in the right direction.

HI, thank you for your response. I do go to a psychologist for depression and CPTD treatment
We have talked about the affair, but they do not seem to take it so seriously and seem quite judgemental. I cannot afford another therapist and the waiting lists for the ones covered by my insurence are longer than 50 weeks.
But I think he does care about me, he always makes me feel better and helps me when needed. I think he used to be conflicted about the situation as well, since he said so, but I think for him now, this is just the new reality now. He doesnt really seem to feel quilty or worried or anything about it.

[stillafool]

One thing is for sure.  If you don't make a move to end this it will continue until he's done with you.  He isn't going to leave his wife and as you can see he's willing to move to another place if it makes her happy.  Sorry about your childhood.  Maybe you need to address your chronic depression and CPTSD with your psychologist instead of your affair.  Get to the route of why you make poor decisions regarding men.

[LemonPie]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

The affair isn’t going to stop miraculously on its own. Relationships end because one person usually puts an end to sex, conversations and talks of the future.

Considering the way he speaks to you and dismisses your concerns, he’s not likely the one to care at all that you feel terrible. For the amount of time you spend together I’m sure he knows how conflicted you are and yet he continues on. It’s strange that you think highly of him.

You don’t seem to have much self-control and that might have to change if you want things to change. 

Have you grown in your career with your company or are you not quite growing at all and comfortable there? I don’t usually recommend leaving work due to a mere break up (career has always come first personally) but if you do find it may be useful to leave and explore other options why not?

thank you for your reply. 
I think he does care a lot about me, he is always concerns, helps me and tries to make me feel better. I know I describe it all in quite a negative way, but that's me trying to describe it more in a neutral way than I perceive it in reality. In  real life, he always cheers me up, is super kind and helpful. I think he knows that I am conflicted about it, but I know he was too. He often said he was, but now I think he is not so conflicted anymore. I think for him, this is just the new reality: a wife at home and a gf at other places he goes and takes me wth him. I think to him, this happily goes hand in hand together, next to each other.

I don't know why, I always have a lot of self-control and I always lived upto my own values, but it seems like I throw them all overboard for him... I am also so conflicted about what I want. I don't want to live like this, but I also don't want to lose him. Crumbs just feel better than nothing at all... but on the other hand, I am just wasting my time on him, while I could also really work on my future.

I am growing in my career with the company, and I have a permanent contract for a fulltime job and that is quite hard to find in my field. They would like me to follow an extra trainee ship next year, so that will even provide me with more opportunities. It's not that I would like to quit my job for him, but I just dont see how else I can end this affair?

 

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, LemonPie said:

We have talked about the affair, but they do not seem to take it so seriously and seem quite judgemental.

What do you mean they don't take it seriously and are judgemental?  Most people are not supportive of affairs but I have a hard time believing that a trained doctor would judge someone.

[LemonPie]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

One thing is for sure.  If you don't make a move to end this it will continue until he's done with you.  He isn't going to leave his wife and as you can see he's willing to move to another place if it makes her happy.  Sorry about your childhood.  Maybe you need to address your chronic depression and CPTSD with your psychologist instead of your affair.  Get to the route of why you make poor decisions regarding men.

Thank you
I know, it makes me so sad  
Yes, I am treated for both depression and CPTSD, but they don't seem to think relationships are related to this and they seem very judgemental

[LemonPie]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What do you mean they don't take it seriously and are judgemental?  Most people are not supportive of affairs but I have a hard time believing that a trained doctor would judge someone.

I understand most people wouldn't be supportive of affairs, I wouldn't be either to be honest.

For example. She asked me why I chose to have an affair with his man. I told her that it never really was a planned decision, but that it was a longer process with multiple steps and that he sort of asserted that it was all alright each time. For me, it felt like it just happened, without realizing the consequences too much. She said that that probably wasn't true, because according to her, I actively made the decision. And she told me that I shouldn't put all the blame on him, which I wasn't trying to do, I was just describing my own experience to her. She asked me what I would get out of it, I told her that I just really like him, that he treats me really well, that we have fun, that we can laugh together, that I enjoy his company etc. She said that my feelings for him weren't real. And she asked questions, that didn't really seem relevant or professional in my opinion: how often do you two do it? where do you do it? why do you do it there? do you enjoy that? is it good?

And I know I made bad decisions, I know I cannot just blame this man for it, but that is not what I am doing or trying to do. Of course, I would like to talk with her about it and reflect on my choices and maybe why I made them and what I should do in the future or where these feelings are coming from. But all she does every time is just telling me that I am wrong and that my feelings for him are not real. And if I made an active decision, like she believes, I would like some explaination, with how or what. But she just seems annoyed everytime this affair is brought up, in the rest of my therapy sessions, she seems much more professional.

Edit: I mean, why ask for my experience, if you don't want to hear it from my experience. At therapy, I describe things just as clear facts, unless I clrearly state ''in my experience, this or that happened'' or ''to me it felt like'', so maybe my experience doesn't align with reality, but you cannot say my experience isnt real

Edited November 28, 2022 by LemonPie

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, LemonPie said:

We have talked about the affair, but they do not seem to take it so seriously and seem quite judgemental. 

See a physician. Get some tests done. No one suggested switching therapists. A therapist may not agree with you, however they may try to help you replace self-defeating and self-destructive thoughts and behaviors with more productive healthful ones. For example jumping from one abusive situation into another bad  situation like this one, is something a therapist may try to help you with.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, LemonPie said:

One day, we decided to go for a walk during the lunch break and he said he wanted to kiss me. I declined and told him that he was married. After that however, I felt like I was in a state of hypomania. In one of the next few days, we discussed it, he said I shouldn't think about it so much and we did end up kissing. It resulted in a full emotional and physical affair for almost 2 years already: not trying to put the blame on him, but every step in this affair was on his terms, I always thought: I cannot do this, because he is married, but he would always be the one opting a new idea, saying it was alright.

^^^It's this that would make your psychologist think you put all the blame of the affair on him but not take any responsibility for the part you played in starting the affair.  You are a grown woman and if you know it's inappropriate to kiss a MM then kiss him anyway that was your decision and he is not to blame.  He's also not to blame because you decided to be in an affair with him for 2 years or that you let him have everything on his terms in order to hold onto him.  At some point you should have put your big girl panties on and said no.

 

 

Edited November 28, 2022 by stillafool

[stillafool]

30 minutes ago, LemonPie said:

But all she does every time is just telling me that I am wrong and that my feelings for him are not real.

What are your feelings for him?  Are you in love with him?

 

1 hour ago, LemonPie said:

He always treated me with respect. He supports me in the things I do, he is funny, we laugh a lot, we play games, he fixes my broken objects, he really does a lot for me. We never argue, if we have problems, we discuss it and talk about it. 

When you give reasons like above why you are into him it sounds like you're describing a basic friend not a guy you're in love with.  Maybe that's why your psychologist says you aren't in love with him.  To me it doesn't sound like it's enough to be involved with someone else's husband for 2 years.

Edited November 28, 2022 by stillafool

[LemonPie]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

^^^It's this that would make your psychologist think you put all the blame of the affair on him but not take any responsibility for the part you played in starting the affair.  You are a grown woman and if you know it's inappropriate to kiss a MM then kiss him anyway that was your decision and he is not to blame.  He's also not to blame because you decided to be in an affair with him for 2 years or that you let him have everything on his terms in order to hold onto him.  At some point you should have put your big girl panties on and said no.

 

 

That's not my point. I know I am to blame, I am not denying that at all. I am not even blaming him.

But if you (therapist in this case) ask me to describe how it progressed into a full a fair, then it was him: flirting with me, saying he wanted to kiss me, putting his hands in my pants, going down on my while i said that i dont think this is a good idea, asking for a bj, saying we should try real sex etc. 

That is not blaming him, that is just how it went. I know I am wrong for going along with it and wanting it, because yes you need to people for all of that and I didn't decline him. So yes, I do feel bad about it, i do know i am wrong for doing this all, but I am not trying to blame him, I am just describing how this went.

[LemonPie]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What are your feelings for him?  Are you in love with him?

 

When you give reasons like above why you are into him it sounds like you're describing a basic friend not a guy you're in love with.  Maybe that's why your psychologist says you aren't in love with him.

No, I am very much in love with him. Maybe it's also because English is not my first language? But we still literally flirt every day we see each other, we go for dates and dinners, we cuddle, we have fun together and everything. I dont know how else I could describe it, but he is also my buddy, we share secrets, play games and he cheers me up 

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, LemonPie said:

I know I am wrong for going along with it and wanting it, because yes you need to people for all of that and I didn't decline him.

I guess he/she wanted you to say that you guys started flirting and then kissed each other and got sexual which was what led to the affair.  They want to know why you chose to get involved with a MM.

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, LemonPie said:

No, I am very much in love with him. Maybe it's also because English is not my first language? But we still literally flirt every day we see each other, we go for dates and dinners, we cuddle, we have fun together and everything. I dont know how else I could describe it, but he is also my buddy, we share secrets, play games and he cheers me up 

A single man can do all of those things and more with you.  That is no reason to try to hold onto him  You're 27 do you want to give the rest of your 20s to someone else's husband.  He's never going to leave her for you.  He doesn't love you if he did he wouldn't tell his wife he loves her in front of you knowing that hurts you because he's never said it to you.  

[glows]

I still don’t see the connect in how you interpret this as a caring person. He is cheating on his wife and is aware you’re conflicted. He continues living a double life and in deceit and for some reason you’re still under the impression that he’s caring… There is literally zero connect here for me although I am sorry you’re suffering.

It’s unfortunate that your psychologist told you that your feelings aren’t real as it completely invalidates the conflict you’re feeling.

Unfortunately if you’re looking for change the only person to make that change is you. None of this will change if you’re going along with status quo at the moment. 

[Stret]

Please read Instagram page by Dr Nicole LePera (she is The Holistic Psychologist on Instagram). It will address in a simple and effective way the childhood trauma from family, how it influences your life and your relationships, and how to change it. It helped me a lot with some things.

In essence, your nervous system does not get activated (butterflies in stomach that you confuse for feelings of love) by nice guys because that is not the love that you learned as a child, so you don't recognise it as love. You are looking for the kind of love you had in your family (subconsciously). Thing is, what you think are the feelings of love, is actually your body's stress response to a familiar situation - but we interpret it differently.

As far as he goes - he is not a good person. He might be a bit polished, but he is lying to his wife and using you for his ends. He feels great because he has a younger chick on the side for a bit of an attention when he needs it. You need a completely different person and should see yourself as someone who deserves much better. 

You sound intelligent and nice - the fact that you can see something good in him tells something about you. Ask from life and from relationships more for yourself because you deserve it. You were dealt a bad hand of cards, and with them, you made something of yourself. Do not let anyone not treat you like anything else but a princess (for the lack of better expression).  

[Stret]

2 hours ago, LemonPie said:

But if you (therapist in this case) ask me to describe how it progressed into a full a fair, then it was him: flirting with me, saying he wanted to kiss me, putting his hands in my pants, going down on my while i said that i dont think this is a good idea, asking for a bj, saying we should try real sex etc. 

 

This is not a man that respects you. He is using you. You can do better. 

[Allupinnit]

This is unfortunately a pretty common story on this board.

Single girl meets married man at work.  "Falls in love" with him as she is probably lonely.  MM enjoys the NRE, the sex and attention from the OW and most likely his marriage is being propped up by the OW unbeknownst to her, because marriage and kids get boring and he's loving having the family life AND a sexy younger coworker (I REALLY HOPE HE IS NOT YOUR BOSS!).

Then, because human beings were not wired to separate our feelings from sex (esp women), OW finds that it's not long before she's craving more and the unavailability of the man is what keeps it exciting and fresh.  Of course you guys never fight, what in the world would there be to fight about?  You're not trying to save for retirement or discipline your kids or spice things up in the bedroom.  That's what an affair IS - supposed to be the fun on the side, you are not allowed to have needs that a wife is entitled to. 

This is why it is so isolating to be the OW - you're miserable but can't talk about your feelings because you know you'll be harshly judged.  So you tend to hole up and wait for the next time he texts you or you can see him - you're living a lie and the misery is all-consuming.  

Then, inevitably, the OW will say why she can't quit her job where she met MM, thus just keeping the whole thing going because she won't quit and go NC.  I think deep down they just don't want to quit the one place she's guaranteed to see her MM, if they're being honest with themselves.  

It will be very bad for your professional and personal reputation if your colleagues find out if they don't already know (MM love to brag to their buddies esp at work because it makes them feel superior).  It won't matter that he is the married one, the OW always gets the sh*t end of the stick in these situations.  How embarrassing for you!  The girl who slept with the married man at work!  

So what's left for you, since he's not leaving his wife?  A broken heart.  Shame.  Humiliation.  Perhaps trouble at work, a hit to your career.  And you say your mental health is critical, but don't want to seem to blame HIM for it...?  

 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, LemonPie said:

He doesnt really seem to feel quilty or worried or anything about it.

Isn’t that a huge red flag though? Would you chose for yourself a man who could carry on two different intimate relationships and NOT feel worried or anything about it? 

2 hours ago, LemonPie said:

But we still literally flirt every day we see each other, we go for dates and dinners, we cuddle, we have fun together and everything. I dont know how else I could describe it, but he is also my buddy, we share secrets, play games and he cheers me up 

You are confusing companionship and affection for love and commitment. It’s all smoke and mirrors though - 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, LemonPie said:

him: flirting with me, saying he wanted to kiss me, putting his hands in my pants, going down on my while i said that i dont think this is a good idea, asking for a bj, saying we should try real sex etc. 

This sounds like sexual harassment.

[Luna66star]

MM is using you.  [ ] Right from the start, the best response to his requests for walks and becoming chummy are NO.

There is a reason these men are so friendly.Think about it.  Do you see other MM in the office striking up friendships with other females?  There's a reason they don't.  Because they love and are committed to their wife.  She is their best friend.

Be very suspicious of attached men at work who seem overly friendly. They have a plan and specific targets in mind.

You likely felt wanted, desired and flattered.  It happened to me.  

The push and pull is abuse.  You're drawn more to him because of this.  It keeps you obsessed and trying to figure things out.  This is NOT love.  It's a game he plays.

I sense all of this advice is not making an impact as you are relying on how nice he is to you.  

I experienced trauma as a child and believed this kind of behavior was normal and was all I deserved.  

I still work in same office as MM and still think of him at times. BUT I cut off all contact last year, even though I wanted so bad to text or call.

Get this ... he's doing the same thing to other single females in our office.  He carefully chooses the "really really nice empathetic ones", so they won't get him in trouble with HR.

Please find another counselor who will help you work through your trauna and drop this cruel man!

Edited November 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
group berating